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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad at the way DH treats me

74 replies

HeySweetieSweetie · 08/10/2018 11:58

DH and I have been together our whole adult lives. We have a lovely life with two school aged DC. Over the past six months, DH has shown resentment towards me and says in arguments that it is because he works and I don't work. He has started talking about 'his money' and makes snidey comments. He will also bring up in arguments that he is unhappy and not sure that he loves me. He sometimes says he is thinking about leaving, however I'm not sure if all this is because of the resentment.

I want to work, I really do, but I am having trouble seeing how it would work. We have three DC, one of whom has special needs and cannot be left in childcare. I really only have maybe four hours a day during school hours. I do 100% of the housework/admin/everything that needs doing. I also do 100% of the childcare, getting up at 6:30am, getting ready for school, homework, anything school related, after-school clubs, bedtime routine, etc, etc.

I have thought about starting my own small business so that i can work flexibly for those few hours from home, however i am worried about suggesting this to DH as he will not see it as a 'proper job'.

I feel so stuck and feel that DH hates me. I also don't know whether, even if i got a part time job, he would say that it still wasn't enough.... :(

OP posts:
TakingtheLeap · 08/10/2018 12:48

twofingers I think OP gave Hmm at her husband's perception (which she was reporting) of his as a 'proper' job and therefore one that he couldn't go part time on

mumsastudent · 08/10/2018 12:48

my dh never asked me to work but because of similar situation to op I started childminding. But I would take a closer look at your dh - is he unwell, stressed at work, depressed - is there something going on at work that makes him concerned about his job security? by the by for pension rights when your disabled dc reaches (16? I think maybe 18??) your pension rights/work for full pension are extended ie you are entitled to pension years for full pension for when your dc are under X age but this is extended if you are a carer for a disabled child - do check current pension laws! )

Ellisandra · 08/10/2018 12:49

He does understand all that though.
They have 3 kids and yet he’s only pulling this arsehole behaviour in the last 6 months.
This is not an adjustment to first child situation.
Something else is going on - which is why I don’t think talking about the practicality of childcare / work / cleavers is the answer here.

CookPassBabtridge · 08/10/2018 12:50

It definitely requires a further chat about why he would feel like this. Ask what he wants you to do and why, and then outline what you already do, the childcare costs involved if you worked etc. Why would he be resentful when you're taking care of everything else so he doesn't have to think about it?

PlinkPlink · 08/10/2018 12:50

My ex was like this. Thank God I didn't have kids with him.

We went to uni together. My degree wasn't a proper degree apparently Hmm His was engineering, mine was music.
Everything he did was far more serious and more important than what I did.
This carried on when we got jobs. I went into teaching. We both got full time jobs but I still had to do the majority of the cleaning? He'd complain when things didn't get done like it was solely my responsibility because his job was SO much more stressful than mine Hmm

Turned out, earlier on in the relationship, he didn't want me to do well. He didn't want me to succeed in music because he didn't want me to leave him. He literally told me that.

He was a fucking prick and selfish arsehole.

Nothing you do will be good enough OP. Even if you do get a full time job, he'll find something to complain about. He'll complain about the cost of childcare, he'll complain about the house not being tidy enough. He'll continue to feel sorry for himself and think he is justified in being a selfish bastard.

Goldmandra · 08/10/2018 12:53

OP, teaandtoast made a perfectly reasonable suggestion, so not sure why you gave them a Hmm.

I think that was about her DH's use of the term 'proper' job?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2018 12:55

You need to ask him directly.

Is he stressed about work / are there redundancy risks etc?
Does he just think now the kids are in school you should shoulder the financial burden?
Is it something else and he's channelling his dickishness in this direction?

You HAVE a "job" in that you're keeping house, doing most the child care for 3 kids, plus all the extra appts and being on call being primary carer for a child with Sn requires.

Say that you'll look for work but he needs to cover X drop offs / pick ups, X housework and appts for X specialists for DC with SN.

TulipsInBloom1 · 08/10/2018 12:55

How many times has he had all three kids to himself alone?

SilverBirchTree · 08/10/2018 12:56

What was he like before 6 months ago? Is this a sudden change in attitude? If so, why do you think that is?

It seems weird that he would suddenly be resentful of an arrangement that was previously working.

Is he depressed? Did his work circumstances change? Are you in debt? Is he having an affair (or wishing he was) and trying to justify it to himself?

I think there's more to it than workloads

SilverBirchTree · 08/10/2018 12:57

Also- he's been incredibly cruel and ungrateful to you. I'm so sorry he's speaking to you like that.

'His' money, my foot. What an arse.

Passmethecrisps · 08/10/2018 12:59

I can’t really see this being about work or otherwise.

This may just be me but if my dh even once talked about not being sure if he loved me or thinking about leaving then I would find it impossible to move past that until the issue was properly discussed.

Something else is going on and it is nothing to do with op not working.

SinkGirl · 08/10/2018 12:59

Fine, he can leave. He can pay child support, and pay for his own place, do his own cooking, cleaning and life admin, look after his children 50% of the time and pay for childcare (including the extra costs for specialised care for your child with extra needs). Then you can get a job.

cestlavielife · 08/10/2018 13:01

A specialist nanny can take a SEN child to routine regular appts like physio but of cpurse they will charge professional rates. Speak to snap childcare for example and go back to dh with the likely cost! You can also cost specialist provision and speak to ss about funding.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 08/10/2018 13:01

I’m sorry but I suspect he has checked out of the relationship.
That’s why all the resentment is coming up, with the talk of not been sure he loves you etc....

I wiodnstill do what other posters have suggested.
Sit down with him and look at options. Tell him you actually really want to work too so you will need

  • childcare for all 4 dcs. You had a look around and a CM will cost £xxx
  • childcare for your dc with SN. Very very hard to find but will probably be more expensive too.
  • time to do all the HW, bath routine, homework. Is he going to do half of it? As in cleaning at the weekend (half day), doing some homework with the dcs (an hour each evening?) or cooking dinner etc etc.
Basically you need to put him in front of the reality of you working full time. I suspect he will be surprised (and will probably tell you your calculations/cost are wrong as I’m pretty sure you will end up worse off if you work)
Believeitornot · 08/10/2018 13:03

What a dick.

He sounds like someone I worked with. He would bitch about his wife who was a SAHM and was very bitter. Me and a colleague would remind him that actually because of his wife he didn’t have to worry about the children and work - whereas we did as working mothers. (He didn’t worry about rushing off for pick up etc). He couldn’t have it both ways.

The issue with my colleague was he hated his job and was very stressed.

Your dh may have worries and stress and he’s taking it out on you. He’s not appreciating your contribution at all.

In your situation I would insist on an open chat with dh and get to the bottom of this. I’d also look at working but only to protect yourself in case the marriage doesn’t work out.

Believeitornot · 08/10/2018 13:06

Also why do you need to speak to your dh about setting up a business? Why not go ahead?

sexnotgender · 08/10/2018 13:08

I’d say great!

I’ve actually seen a few jobs that I’d be great at.
Now tell me which half of the pick ups, drop off, hospital appointments and household chores you’ll be taking on?

He sounds like a dick and I agree I’d be digging around for an OW.

AngelsSins · 08/10/2018 13:10

My god he’s a selfish prick. You have 3 kids, one with SEN, and his life has barely changed, no extra work for him, he just has to cover more of the bills. Meanwhile your life has been turned upside down, you’ve lost your financial independence, your career, your pension, you get no holiday, no pay, not evenings off, and HE’S the one who feels hard done by?! Poor little didums.

user1487194234 · 08/10/2018 13:13

I think you need to talk to him and listen to what he says.
Something may well have brought this on, Is he under pressure at work,does he want a bigger house/car ,have his friends /brother got a higher standard of living

Did you originally agree to go back to work when the children reached a certain age

Of course he might just be having a moan,

Speak to him

Elephant14 · 08/10/2018 13:14

You already do so much why should you fill the few hours you have when you are not physically taking care of the children and the house with paid work, unless the family is desperate for cash? I mean if you really want to there are a few thing you can do from home in the evening but what is his actual problem, does he want to see you suffer in some way? Does he get home from work and start hoovering and cooking? Would he like to?

maddening · 08/10/2018 13:26

If you have 4 hours a day available I would recommend you get some qualications as he sounds like he is detaching from your marriage

TooYoungToBeSoTired · 08/10/2018 13:42

Sounds like he’s looking to leave you, OP, this isn’t about money or work. He is looking for an out. Before confronting him, start collecting financial info etc and start thinking about qualifications bc you’ll soon find you have no choice but to go to work or claim benefits (try and figure out how much you’d be entitled to).

cholka · 08/10/2018 13:43

Don't let him say you don't work. You are not in paid work but it sounds like you work your fingers to the bone.
Don't let him call his earnings 'his money'. You have made a choice as a couple for him to earn the money and you to do the childcare and domestic stuff. Your work at home enables his work out of the home, so his earnings are yours too.
I agree this doesn't sound like it's really about money, make sure he knows he can't just waltz off without taking his share of the responsibilities. He'll be in a bedsit with no money most likely!

Snowymountainsalways · 08/10/2018 13:44

This doesn't sound like a 'work' issue at all, what would that have to do with him still loving you and wanting to be with you?

If he is questioning his love for you this is the problem op. Not the work.

It seems you have skated over this, and started thinking of ways to work. Do you suppose he doesn't feel he can leave because you have no way of supporting yourself and your children? His guilt of considering leaving a child so dependent, to leave his family that clearly totally depend on him?

It sounds like he is lashing out because he no longer wants to be with you, and can't see a way out and has decided this is your fault.

I would be looking for evidence of an affair, and I would be getting some legal advice and financial support. He is telling you loud and clear he wants out. I am sorry op Flowers

Strugglingtodomybest · 08/10/2018 13:49

I think you are maybe burying your head in the sand a bit.

He will also bring up in arguments that he is unhappy and not sure that he loves me. He sometimes says he is thinking about leaving

This to me, is what needs addressing first.

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