to feel a bit helpless about the crude and aggressive language on teens whatsapp group

[obligations]

Our ds (12) has just (in the past week) got his first smartphone and joined his school year's WhatsApp, the proviso being we can read the messages any time we want. A few of the kids are using a horrific level of crude and aggressive sexual language that I can't repeat here (basically what they'd do to girls, using derogatory and crude and agressive language). I'm guessing I can't really tell the school (can I?) as it's a 'private' chat. I deleted those messages before my ds saw them but presumably there'll be more. Should I just tell him to come off the group? Tell the school? Tell the parents of the kids? Do nothing?

I don't think I'd tell the parents, as that's going to implicate your DS as the source, and he'll probably get hell for it.

I would report to school but best to screenshot things first. School do deal with this. I would never go directly to other parents (unless they were very close friends and for this type of thing would go via school). Ideally keep him out of group.

didnt Whatsapp recently change its T&Cs to 16?

If you know the other parents, I’d make them aware. Just a ‘i’m keeping and eye on DS’s Whatsapp, are you?’

I’m not beyond putting a message on to say ‘some parents look at these messages’.

Ideally I’d tell my DC to come off the group, or mute it at least. It’s a good opener for what is/isn’t appropriate and why we don’t talk about people in such a horrible way.

Tell him to delete himself from that particular chat.

Of course you tell the school. This is run of the mill social media stuff schools deal with every day.

Yes, I think telling the parents isn't a great idea. Ok, I'll tell the school. There are girls on the chat as well so it's pretty threatening I'd imagine. Is this normal? Maybe I'm completely naive but it seems pretty extreme.

Of course you can tell school. Good luck.

X posted.

I would also tell the parents. There was a girl removed from school after a what's app group issue here. These things can escalate if unchecked.

Screen shot and send via email to his head of year or head of house. Let the school sort it out.

Don’t let the school fob you off with the ‘it happened out of school’ line.

School is the common denominator and they are best placed to remind the children.

I'd love to tell the parents though just so they knew what their little darlings were capable of

My DD is (so far) taking my advice and doesn't have Whatsapp as isn't on any group chats. I might show her this thread later.

Inform the school just so they're aware. Tell your DS he's to come out of the group chat. Speak to him often in a relaxed way about how we act /speak /write on social media and attitudes to women etc - just start the ball rolling to hopefully get him thinking for himself about his own boundaries

It's what I do with my soon to be 12 year old - luckily he's not shown any SM interest yet but he does tell me some of the sexualised language being used by some year 7s and we chat about that and I just use it as a way to teach him

MintyJones
Thanks, I'll do all that. He wasn't that interested in SM but it's a new school for him and I thought it might be a way of being sociable or getting to know the other kids. But it's nasty: homophobic language, taking the piss out of one another and then yesterday this weird barrage from one kid egged on by a couple of others, mention of 'throat fing' 'btch' . He's young and pretty naive for his age so that's one thing but I'm more thinking of the girls on the chat and how they must feel by those kind of comments.

Whatever you do, make sure that none of those children find out its been you who contacted the school or their parents as that could lead to your DS getting a very hard time. I wouldn't delete him out of the chat yet, that will make them suspicious of him. Tell the school and they will probably contact the parents and have the group deleted.

Yes, last thing I want is a witch-hunt where he's identified as telling.

That’s absolutely horrific OP!

You are doing the right thing.

thanks poster Ooforfoxsakeridesagain - I feel a bit ill thinking about it. Talk about toxic masculinity.

That's worse @obligations than what I previously thought

I'd be reporting to school ASAP - of course not in such a way that your DS is targeted and he'd be out of the chat immediately.

I'm also sure that most decent parents would want to know if their 12 year olds were talking like this. I started a long time ago with my son about respect for others, respect for girls and what we say and what we don't say - oh and the classic ' if you wouldn't want grandma to read it, please never write it' which works well with you get ones

I know, it's sickening. Mainly one kid egged on by a couple of others not even using full sentences just phrases e.g. 'throatf* btchs'. Also IABU to feel helpless I guess as I should maybe tell school and let them deal with it. But I feel ill knowing girls will have read it and also that my ds is in school with kids who talk like that. It's not 'normal', right?

sadly absolutely normal.i don't really see how it has anything to do with the school unless the school is named, and it is not cyberbullying

But yes , pull him out of the chat

FruitofAutumn - it's a WhatsApp chat for his year group but set up by the kids rather than the school (so it's called xxxx school year 8 chat') - I'm slightly confused as so many posters have said to tell the school. Damn, that's horrible that it's normal. I get the crude language etc but the aggression is scary.

Well you're only helpless if you don't take action - and you can only protect your son here not the world of pre teens.

Yes absolutely tell the school. They use this sort of stuff for assemblies in an attempt to try and educate them. You're not expecting them to do much but it doesn't hurt for them to know who's up to what