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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel a bit helpless about the crude and aggressive language on teens whatsapp group

76 replies

obligations · 08/10/2018 09:25

Our ds (12) has just (in the past week) got his first smartphone and joined his school year's WhatsApp, the proviso being we can read the messages any time we want. A few of the kids are using a horrific level of crude and aggressive sexual language that I can't repeat here (basically what they'd do to girls, using derogatory and crude and agressive language). I'm guessing I can't really tell the school (can I?) as it's a 'private' chat. I deleted those messages before my ds saw them but presumably there'll be more. Should I just tell him to come off the group? Tell the school? Tell the parents of the kids? Do nothing?

OP posts:

totallyliterally · 08/10/2018 16:39

For your son I would delete the app. Explain you've found out today that the age you need to be for what's app is 16.

And therefor your mistake for saying he could have it.

I would also ignore any 'bit others have it' discussion

ADastardlyThing · 08/10/2018 16:42

Personally I only have evidence of my own DS school who assured confidentiality, but how they went about it they made it very clear it was reported to them by another student via a parent, and it could have only been my DS.

The assault comparison is a bit different although I get what you're saying. But no, I'd encourage him to phone the police in that case as obviously it could result in serious physical harm and they could report it anonymously, but on the other hand if he was scared of retaliation I certainly wouldn't think less of him for that either.

For me it's not a case of fuck everyone else at all, but my DC and their well being will always, always come before anyone else.

ChristopherTracy · 08/10/2018 16:43

I'm afraid that shocking though we find it, this is the way they talk to eachother now. Anyone who doesn't think so hasn't spent a lot of time around teenage boys.

Our experience with WhatsApp was that it was my ds who wasn't savv enough to have deleted the threads and so it was his phone used for evidence and they all got punished and he got blamed for grassing by the other children even though he hadn't.

He was Year 7 and the language was awful.

They all then just moved onto another app where it can be deleted much easier. If you don't want him to be involved then he needs an old Nokia.

Oblomov18 · 08/10/2018 16:47

Screenshot it. Email to HoY. Remove ds from WhatsApp group.

MaxDArnold · 08/10/2018 16:59

so it was his phone used for evidence and they all got punished and he got blamed for grassing by the other children even though he hadn't.

That's why you should have advised him to refuse to give over his phone to anyone that doesn't have a warrant.

titchy · 08/10/2018 17:40

Schools are generally incompetent. Why take the risk and throw your kid under the bus?

That may be your experience. It isn't mine, it isn't lots of other posters, and it probably won't be OP's.

FruitCider · 08/10/2018 17:43

The trick is to screenshot the chat, crop the top off the image off and any messages that are from your son. THEN send in the screenshots. Leave your son in the group for now so they don't know it's his family that have reported it.

But seriously, WhatsApp and a smart phone at 12? Why?

FruitCider · 08/10/2018 17:45

That's why you should have advised him to refuse to give over his phone to anyone that doesn't have a warrant.

What about PACE?

ChristopherTracy · 08/10/2018 18:03

Come on - if the headteacher asks for his phone then he is going to hand it over. He isn't going to stand there and quote the law. Plus if he is part of a group that's dodgy whatsapping then they should all get punished for it - him included.

The school had the polcie in to talk to them all about it and he hasnt got involved since.

To the poster that asked why a smartphone at 12 -are your children younger? It is completely normal for them to have them - they use the bus apps and the Showmyhomework app and use them in schools to take pictures of the whiteboards and ppt slides etc. Plus all their music streaming is on there and all the games.

FruitCider · 08/10/2018 19:11

ChristopherTracey I think I was a bit unclear. I completely get the benefits of having a phone able to connect to the internet and have a good quality camera, what I don't understand is why parents let 12 year olds on social media when they aren't even old enough to sign up to it without lying about their age.

ChristopherTracy · 08/10/2018 19:28

Oh I see - fair enough. I think they get to an age though where they are going to do stuff you tell them not to do and you just try and educate them about it as best you can. You havent let them be on Whatsapp but neither can you effectively prevent it.

Some parents might go full tilt and take their phone and ban their playstation but in my experience that just sets you up for years of confrontation.

MaxDArnold · 08/10/2018 21:00

That may be your experience. It isn't mine, it isn't lots of other posters, and it probably won't be OP's

Ok @titchy, what would you say if op took your advice and then posted next week saying her son's life was being made a misery as a result?

Rememory · 09/10/2018 08:05

It's such a difficult situation, I probably would tell the school but I have daughters. I had teacher friends working there so it would have been easier for me to say to them 'have you seen ...'.

However, in this case I'd protect my son and use it as an opportunity to discuss language used on social media particularly about women.

titchy · 09/10/2018 08:34

what would you say if op took your advice and then posted next week saying her son's life was being made a misery as a result?

I hope I'd be able to offer some advice having teens myself.

What would you do if you found your dd self harming because the boys in her tutor group said they'd like to throat-fuck her and no one had shoved a metaphorical rocket up their arses?

steppemum · 09/10/2018 09:58

I would definitely contact the school.
Despite all that has been said here, I would still contact the school.
I have a 15 and 13 year old, so I am not just hypothesizing.

The way I would do it is through the person who does the SM talk every year to parents.

I would screen shot and remove all evidence.
I would ask to speak to them on the phone, and would be very clear that if they mentioned my son, or me, or said to the students that one of them had grassed, I would be furious, and hold school responsible.

But that they need to talk to the kids about language etc, without saying that it came from a specific SM incident. They need to lay out and explain the consequences of using that language for some.
Rocket up the arse indeed.

But them I am pretty sure both the schools my dc attend would manage that, and I am sure, because of their talks to parents, that they would take it very seriously.

Cheeeeislifenow · 09/10/2018 10:02

I would contact school and ask them to have some kind of workshops on the. Implications of that language... If your ds is in secondary they should be doing those qnyewy.. if it continues I would remove him from the group and report again with names and Screenshots

TeddybearBaby · 09/10/2018 10:06

I encourage my son not to go in these groups any more (he’s nearly 12). They always get out of hand. He recognises himself that he’s much happier without it so we don’t clash over it so that’s good!

lalalalyra · 09/10/2018 10:13

How I dealt with this was my DD left the Whatsapp group, then spent a week or two bitching to her friends about how I wouldn't let her have Whatsapp. Therefore it was my fault she wasn't in the group rather than hers.

3/4 weeks later I reported it to the school anonymously and they dealt with it in assemblies and the likes, but I know from other parents that Whatsapp is still an issue.

We use "my Mum is such a cow/so strict" as a get out for the kids quite often because other kids can be bloody cruel.

steppemum · 09/10/2018 10:35

brilliant post lalalalyra

perfect solution.
and we use the 'my mum is so strict' for lots of stuff too, very useful for them to have an out.

mumontherun14 · 09/10/2018 10:42

We've had the police in at our school organised by the Head to give a talk to both parents and all the kids after some kids were caught sending x rrated photos. I doubt this kind of thing will be of any surprise to the Head unfortunately as its fairly commonplace now wit social media at that age group it causes so many problems but they are all on it. I have a son too 14 and when he joined Instagram at the start there was a bit of this too - mainly swearing in his friends years group chat. I think the boys just do it to show off to each other but the parents would be horrified. If I knew them well then I would say to the parents but if not definetly tell the school. Both my son and daughter have come out of the year group chat groups as they are constantly pinging and most of it is a lot of nonsense. Encourage him to set up a group with a few friends that is better for them I think xxx

mumontherun14 · 09/10/2018 10:48

PS Just to add -this would definetly be taken seriously by Head and Head of Year at our school .

Original poster

obligations · 10/10/2018 01:52

hi all - sorry, thought thread had died.

What I ended up doing was asking the school to have a serious talk to all the pupils in my sons' year about abusive language etc on SM.

My son has asked me to read all WhatsApp messages before he does so I can delete anything he mightn't like - not sure if it's relevant but he has ASD.

We've discussed peer pressure, kindness, appropriate language and feeling comfortable. He wants to stay on the chat as a way of getting to know people and almost his entire year group are on it. I've said ok for now, but that we'll review next month.

OP posts:

tillytrotter1 · 10/10/2018 03:33

Other than a general warning to parents, what do you expect the school to do about it? Why is the school expected to sort out parents' problems, unless they're doing it in lessons? If their school was to ban phone use on the premises, even during break etc., many would still be moaning. It's your problem, not the school's. Maybe they're learning their use of Anglo Saxon English from MN!

ChristopherTracy · 10/10/2018 09:37

Quite a lot actually tillytrotter1, my ds' school suspends for this and has had the police in to talk to small groups and year group assemblies. It is cyberbullying - they take it very seriously indeed.

Original poster

obligations · 10/10/2018 10:19

tillytrotter
Other than a general warning to parents, what do you expect the school to do about it? Why is the school expected to sort out parents' problems, unless they're doing it in lessons?

I would expect the school to take an interest in the general, holistic well-being of members of the school community and to want pupils to support the values of the school, including that all of them strive to be fair and kind and not participate in behaviour that could cause to others. I would expect them to reinforce this message, maybe by reference to incidents whether inside or outside school such as these nasty WhatsApp chats, by speaking to the pupils together and reminding them of the importance of not being aggressive or homophobic and to be respectful in their dealings with one another in the classroom, on the playing fields and online. Is that too naive of me? (Genuine question)

OP posts:

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