to feel a bit helpless about the crude and aggressive language on teens whatsapp group

[obligations]

Our ds (12) has just (in the past week) got his first smartphone and joined his school year's WhatsApp, the proviso being we can read the messages any time we want. A few of the kids are using a horrific level of crude and aggressive sexual language that I can't repeat here (basically what they'd do to girls, using derogatory and crude and agressive language). I'm guessing I can't really tell the school (can I?) as it's a 'private' chat. I deleted those messages before my ds saw them but presumably there'll be more. Should I just tell him to come off the group? Tell the school? Tell the parents of the kids? Do nothing?

[Penguinsetpandas]

Not had issues at current school but DDs old school dealt with WhatsApp issues all the time, can do more with screenshots. They would send messages out to parents and speak to children involved, obviously don't know what sanctions happened. I would at least give school a chance and if they don't do much then you could consider telling other parents but children concerned maybe hearing similar at home, not necessarily but not impossible.

[titchy]

Have you not phoned school yet then? FFS do it now.

[PorkFlute]

Tbh I wouldn’t say anything unless someone was being specifically targeted. If this is what they’re happy to put in writing they will be saying much worse to each other privately at school/social times and there’s not a lot you can do about that.
Just make sure your own son knows to be respectful.

[obligations]

titchy calm down I need to get the screenshots and ds has his phone with him
PorkFlute I'll remind him about being kind and respectful (and keep reminding him). Will discuss phoning school or not w dh later I guess.

[MaxDArnold]

@obligations - Absolutely don't get the school involved in this, if your son was the last person to be added he'll be identified as a grass, and the rest of his school career will be unhappy to say the least. And he'll probably end up getting a bolocking anyway.Advise him not to join in the with crude language so he stays out of bother.

[pollygreen7]

Thats very upsetting for a 12 year old.

Can you get him to mute the chat? So he doesn't see the messages pop up? It's really disturbing. Or get him to leave the chat and don't take him further. Like the other posters said, you don't want him being identified.

One of my friends Mum's said to always use her as an 'out' if there was always something we were uncomfortable with. ie. Oh I'm not allowed to go to X's party, if Mrs Smith finds out me and her daughter both get punished.

I'd suggest not taking it up with the school, they can't stop the chat and as your son is new you don't want to make him a potential target. There are potentially another 25+ parents who can raise it with the school.

[AngelsWithSilverWings]

I went through this last year. I sent screen shots to the school. I still believe I did the right thing morally but the fall out for us was so awful I think if I could turn the clock back I would have ignored it and just kept my son off of whatsapp. ( he hadn't written anything bad thankfully )

The school took it very seriously indeed and punished the boys concerned.

I had one parent call my DH to give him abuse about me reporting it. When he wasn't satisfied that he had given us enough verbal abuse he decided to send us an abusive email too. These were people we had been friends with. We live in a small town and I lived in fear of bumping into these parents. A year on I still have that fear.

My son lost all of his friends overnight. He was bullied and started to fall behind at school. Eventually he started talking about wanting to die. We got counselling for him and he made new friends. Thankfully he seems to have been able to move on now but DH and I have been excluded socially because of the power these other parents seem to have in the community.

Think very carefully.Our family are only just getting over this over a year later. It has been one of the worse things I've ever been through.

[Lethaldrizzle]

That's awful angel. There must be a more subtle way for schools to deal with this without 'grassing anyone up'.

[pollygreen7]

Angel, I'm so sorry this happened to you and your family. I'm really pleased your son has new friends.

[obligations]

AngelsWithSilverWings oh I am so sorry, that sounds absolutely horrible. I guess I'll advise him to come off the chat and I won't say anything to the school, it's just so nasty to think there could be girls on that chat that will be intimidated by this toxic display.

[KERALA1]

God I find it so depressing when parents come out fighting and all guns blazing for anyone daring to object to their precious sons right to abuse women and girls

[ADastardlyThing]

At that age I think I'd just get him to come off WhatsApp altogether. Last thing you want is for him to be ostracised at such an awkward age and your son is your priority.

I also had to go to one of my DC school recently over something online that I could have just made sure my DC was ok regarding it iyswim, bit of a similar situation. I thought I was doing the right thing but all I did was kick the hornets nest as he was the only one who could have 'grassed', I won't forget his heartwrenching sobs for as long as I live I don't think.

[MintyJones]

@KERALA1 who's done that? I have both a son and a daughter and it's one of my missions in life to bring up my son so he is mindful and respectful towards women.

[obligations]

ADastardlyThing 'heartwrenching sobs' how awful. My ds is young for his age and finds it hard to make friends so I definitely don't want him the target of anything. I guess I feel some duty of care to those girls on the chat and wish there was something I could do.

[obligations]

MintyJones I think Kerala was referring to the story upthread of a family being ostracised

[Anoushkasays]

I would be telling everyone I could purely for the reason that WhatsApp has an age requirement of 16. Then School, Parents, whoever can see the messages for themselves and see exactly what is going on.

[KERALA1]

@MintyJones "whos done that" the family and community in Angel's post. It is also common amongst the families of men convicted of rape and paedophilia.

[steppemum]

it is cyberbullying, as defined by most schools.
And out of school social media use IS seen by schools as their business. Even is between kids and school not named at all.

Under the latest government guidelines schools were definitely told to make it their business.

Ds is in year 11 and at the parents information evening last week there was a comment about the language they use when talking to and about each other, and how the school is clamping down, as they feel some students are made to feel uncomfortable by it.

Screen shot some pages, then email the school, ask for confidentiality, and inform them of the nature of the posts. The goal is not to get them into trouble., the goal is to talk to the kids bout their use of language.

Year 8 is a dreadful year for this stuff, they are settled into school, getting confident, not yet bothered by exam stuff and loads of teen crap starts to kick in. Schools like to know, and to make sure it is contained.

[obligations]

steppemum that's interesting. I wouldn't be telling the school to get the kids into trouble, more in the hope that they would have a discussion about crude and aggressive sexual language in whatever forum they find themselves in (SM, one-on-one etc). There was a fair bit of casual homophobia on there as well, and also low-level aggression (e.g. telling one another to 'STFU'). One of ds's friends told him he's gay recently - he's not in that school but i'm thinking of how nervous he was telling his friends and if he was on that chat how he would feel.

[MaxDArnold]

@steppemum - the school can't be trusted not to drop op's son in it and they'll be next to useless when dealing with the bullying which any "grass" will fall victim to. Besides the kids aren't stupid they'll work it out by a process if deduction.

[ADastardlyThing]

Confidentiality will absolutely not be assured unfortunately.

Maybe op you could just suggest to the school that they send a reminder out to parents to check their kids online activity, based on something you've overheard in the school grounds or something? Then you've done your bit, as much as you can without potentially getting your DS in bother.

As max says, they might be 12, but they aren't stupid.

[titchy]

Why can't the school be trusted not to 'grass up' OP's son? Do you know the school? Have evidence of their poor dealings with SM?

It would be far more likely to be one of the girls parents alerting school anyway.

That's a really poor attitude you have - as long as my dc's OK then screw everyone else. This sort of shit needs nipping in the bud before it gets worse.

Would you encourage your child to alert the police if they saw one of their friends being assaulted, or tell them to walk on by in case the perpetrator worked out who it was?

[MaxDArnold]

@titchy - Schools are generally incompetent. Why take the risk and throw your kid under the bus?

[PorkFlute]

If anyone is being bullied then it needs reporting but if it is just kids using foul language to each other I’d leave it. As shocking as it might be to see that will be how they talk when they don’t realise anyone is watching.

[myron]

Get your son to leave the group chat. DS(14) has learnt that when the chat goes pear shaped and people within the group start to verbally abuse one another, it's easier to exit the chat. He doesn't have Whatsapp but it happens across all SM - snapchat & instagram for example. I refuse to let my 11 yr old have Whatsapp/Snapchat/Instagram. Fortunately, she realises & accepts that it's probably more hassle than it's worth atm - loads of girls have been in trouble over social media abuse since YR5.