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AIBU?

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Original poster

Contact and clothes

71 replies

Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 19:27

More a WWUD,

Whenever my DS10 see his dad overnight I always send him in clothes that are well fitted and weather appropriate. Over the last few weeks Ex has been sending DS home in clothes that are obviously too small, Jeans that havnt seen his trainers for a good while, and today returned him in just a tshirt, It was bloody freezing today. I asked DS where his coat was and he said that dad had kept it at his house because he doesnt have one there for him! The first time he did it I thought, ok, maybe hell return DS in the clothes the next week...nope. I cant afford to replace his clothes that his dad has,and DS doesnt have a coat for school tomorrow now. I had a sort out today while DS was with his dad, and he has 1 pair of jeans that will fit him, his dad has kept at least 4 pairs that I have sent him in, so I text Ex and asked him to return DS clothes that were "mine", he didnt, and he never replied to text.
I dont want to send DS in clothes that are too small for him, but I cant afford to keep buying DS clothes. DS is at the age now where he is conscious of what he is wearing, so Im thinking that ex is changing him into old clothes before returning him home. WWUD?

OP posts:
dontlikebeards · 07/10/2018 19:43

Next time you send him to his dad's, put him in old clothes that he is growing out of. I realise this won't solve the coat problem but will stop future issues.

BlueBug45 · 07/10/2018 19:45

The clothes are your son's and your ex is a f£&#ing bar steward for returning him in inappropriate too small clothing especially if it is cold.

Unfortunately it looks like you are going to have to play your ex at his own game by sending your son to him in clothes that are too small. The only alternative is to send him in school uniform without the extra bits like a properly fitting coat if he goes over on a Friday.

cushioncuddle · 07/10/2018 19:48

Send him in old pj's if he picks him up in the morning and say to ex he can change when he gets to yours

Gemini69 · 07/10/2018 19:49

This is appalling OP... your poor Son having his clothing stolen ?! bloody bizarre

FlamingJuno · 07/10/2018 19:52

My XH used to do this. I never got to the bottom of it, but basically none of his clothes would ever reappear and he would come home in stuff that was obviously second hand and didn't fit him. Apparently it's very very common for this to happen Confused. I couldn't afford it either and was at a loss what to do until I eventually mentioned it to XMiL and things improved somewhat.

LilMy33 · 07/10/2018 19:53

What others said only option (unless your ex gets a personality transplant) is to send your child in clothes that are too small for him. That’s what I would do (I’m not in a position where I can afford to endlessly replace clothes that go missing either).

Ugh. I hate parents who behave like your ex! Angry no thought whatsoever for the poor DC stuck in the middle wearing clothes/shoes/whatever that don’t fit and dealing with a hostile atmosphere.

Onthebrink87 · 07/10/2018 20:18

This is a huge issue for me and my 3ds. I can't bring myself to dress them in ill fitting shabby clothes but I'm way too broke to be filling their wardrobe at their dad's so I ended up getting a handful of clothes from Primark. Not exactly a win but t shirts are less than £2 etc and it's the best I could come up with!

Beanbag12 · 07/10/2018 20:21

I really don’t understand that. What is he doing with all these clothes? Your poor DS. What makes him think he has the right to keep things that he didn’t pay for? Why doesn’t he buy your DS a coat if he doesn’t have one at his house? I think I would be going round his house and asking for the return of his stuff.

Kitsandkids · 07/10/2018 20:28

Do you live nearby? If at all possible I think I’d be going there with DS and when he answers the door say, nice and cheerfully, ‘Hiya! DS forgot his coat and needs it for school so he just needs to nip in and get it. In you go DS.’ Surely he wouldn’t refuse your son entry? I appreciate there might be reasons you can’t do this though.

Original poster
Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 20:38

@dontlikebirds @bluebug I don't think I can do it, they look obviously small, he looks like a tramp when he comes home, I cant send him out looking like that, Maybe more for my pride than anything.

@cushioncuddle Thats an idea, he would have to send him home in clothes then-surely?

@FlamingJuno Unfortunately, the sun shines out of ex arse according to his mum, and it wouldnt surprise me if it was her idea to do this. ( he lives with his mum, so its not like he has no money either, works FT, and pays no bills)

@Onthebrink DS clothes were only from Primark anyway, I did a "stock-up" towards the end of the summer holidays,

@Beanbag I dont understand why DS needs a coat at his dads house either, surely he would only wear it when he's out, and if its cold I would put one on him??

I think its his way of control, he has always been a bit controlling, and he cant control me in any other way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 20:40

@Kitsandkids No, we live 50 miles away from each other, he conveniently "forgets" stuff all the time. Always seems to remember the tack he buys him when in town etc though

OP posts:
Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 07/10/2018 20:41

Do you drive? I would just go round and get the clothes. Take your son and tell.your ex that if he refuses then he can explain to his son why he will have no coat at school.

Make it clear to your ex that these things do not belong to him and he must hand them over.

HolesinTheSoles · 07/10/2018 20:45

Do you drive? I would just go round and get the clothes. Take your son and tell.your ex that if he refuses then he can explain to his son why he will have no coat at school.

This. Stealing his son's coat is bloody ridiculous.

HolesinTheSoles · 07/10/2018 20:46

Sorry just saw update, how does DS get to and from his dad's?

Original poster
Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 20:47

Unfortunately, We live 50 miles apart, DS has last years coat he will have to wear till ex either returns his other one, or or till i get paid at the end of the month.

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 07/10/2018 20:47

Tell school tomorrow that his dad has kept his coat and is there one in lost property he can borrow until you get him another one. Try to get them from the charity shop.

BlackeyedSusan · 07/10/2018 20:48

Teach D's to bring his own stuff home.

Original poster
Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 20:49

HolesinThesoles. Ex picks up and drops off. Ive text him and asked him to post it down or to put money in my bank to buy another one. I will deal with the other clothes once ive received a reply

OP posts:
Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 07/10/2018 20:53

Do not let this drop. Saying you'll buy another when you get paid... no.

Do not let it drop. Phone him everyday if you need too.

And sit your son down for a chat. He's 10. He's old enough to pack his own bag and bring his own things. Have him pack the bag with you before he leaves yours and tell him to do the same at his dad's. Tell him you will wash everything so when he takes clothes off, they are to go straight in the bag and not given to dad. If he doesnt have a phone then give him an old phone with a pay as you go SIM and tell him to call you if his dad tries to stop him packing his clothes.

You've got to be firm and constant with this, to stop your ex thinking he can get away with it.

Autumn2018 · 07/10/2018 20:54

Can your DS ask for his clothes back? Poor lad must wish he had it with him when he's at home with his Mum.

I would hate to be dressed in awful clothes to try and resolve this, so I'm glad you're not going to participate in that game. I don't envy your position though. I think until DS is old enough to ask for his own clothes back it's going to have to be Primark and Asda all the way. I'd get 3 of the same and use it almost as a uniform for Dad's house, so he doesn't get the satisfaction of stealing all the best stuff.

Feefeetrixabelle · 07/10/2018 20:58

When your son gets picked up next. Send him out in the same clothes he came home in. With no coat. And an invoice for all the missing clothing.

Don’t pack him any clothes from now on. His dad wants a stock at his house? Great he can fucking buy it then. Buy an outfit for picking up and dropping off. If he returns in different incorrect clothes photograph him and send to your ex stating why the clothing is inappropriate and ask for the correct items to be returned. After three times of him doing this advise him your taking legal advice as it’s neglect while your son is in his care.

Cuddlykitten123 · 07/10/2018 21:00

Could you not just tell him he obviously need to to drop into ds at school by 1st break tomorrow... Would he let ds go cold for next few weeks for the sake of whatever point he is trying to make?

Also when did it become a thing to have stuff permanently at the other parents anyway. Where i went to y dad's i just took my own weekend bag?

Merryoldgoat · 07/10/2018 21:01

These fucking men.

Sorry I have no useful advice. It’s just I read these threads and all these stupid bastard men. Urgh.

Original poster
Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 21:03

@Fiftydaysofgreymatter I completely agree with what you are saying, Im hoping DS has heard wrong and ex just forgot to put his coat in and itll be returned. I am going to speak to DS, Tell him that when he gets his PJ,s on at night to put his clothes straight into his bag, but whats the next step if his dad insists DS leaves them there? DS does have a phone so hopefully with me messaging him to remember to pack his stuff will be enough.

@Autumn Thats an idea, I could just get him some cheap trackies or something,

Surely, ex wouldve ran out of old clothes by now??

OP posts:
cl61reb · 07/10/2018 21:08

Primark for cheap and cheerful joggers and sweatshirts.

Cheap, warm and suitable for everything.

Likewise doesn't matter if they don't come back

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