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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Contact and clothes

71 replies

Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 19:27

More a WWUD,

Whenever my DS10 see his dad overnight I always send him in clothes that are well fitted and weather appropriate. Over the last few weeks Ex has been sending DS home in clothes that are obviously too small, Jeans that havnt seen his trainers for a good while, and today returned him in just a tshirt, It was bloody freezing today. I asked DS where his coat was and he said that dad had kept it at his house because he doesnt have one there for him! The first time he did it I thought, ok, maybe hell return DS in the clothes the next week...nope. I cant afford to replace his clothes that his dad has,and DS doesnt have a coat for school tomorrow now. I had a sort out today while DS was with his dad, and he has 1 pair of jeans that will fit him, his dad has kept at least 4 pairs that I have sent him in, so I text Ex and asked him to return DS clothes that were "mine", he didnt, and he never replied to text.
I dont want to send DS in clothes that are too small for him, but I cant afford to keep buying DS clothes. DS is at the age now where he is conscious of what he is wearing, so Im thinking that ex is changing him into old clothes before returning him home. WWUD?

OP posts:

Original poster

Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 21:52

@Fiffyshades It breaks my heart. He always looks forward to seeing his dad, Ex always promises him that they will do something spectacular but they never do. DS lives on every word his dad says, Its infuriating and heartbreaking that a "father" can treat his child like he does. Hopefully DS will see for himself what a waste of space is dad is before is too late.

OP posts:

amy85 · 07/10/2018 21:58

My ex does this it drives me insane and I hate how petty i sound constantly asking for clothes back. Ex has it in his head that because he pays maintenance he has a right to some of the kids clothes

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 07/10/2018 22:01

We're always told not to stop access as it looks bad, or only stop as a last resort. So, if you want to go down that route, then give him ample warning.

Explain what you need (clothes returned), your reason (you cannot afford 2 lots of everything, it is neglectful to send him home in the cold without a coat, you worry he is not being reminded to wear appropriate clothes while out with dad) and then tell him the consequences (access denied until this can be sorted by third parites since he refuses to do parent effectively with you).

Original poster

Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 22:08

@Fiffyshades I really dont want to stop contact - purely because my son will hate me for it. I am going to try your approach, fingers crossed that will do the trick

OP posts:

shutupandgotosleep · 07/10/2018 22:19

My prick if a father used to do this to my siblings and I when we were younger

Except he actually used to sell our clothes if he thought they were half decent because he wanted the cash for the bookies.
My mother stopped it by writing our names in them in huge letters. If you think your ex is selling on clothes could you do this

Wheresthel1ght · 07/10/2018 22:25

Your exh is a twat!

stop sending him with a bag of clothes, send him in what he is wearing on pick up day. when exh complains point out that he has kept everything so there is nothing to send. hopefully he will get the point.

SuperMonster · 07/10/2018 22:55

Sorry if I've missed it but when does he pick up and drop off? What days?
I would literally be sending him in his pj's with a cheap coat and that's it.
How infuriating for you! What an absolute bell end he is!

Original poster

Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 22:57

@SuperMonster Its weekend visits. I think im going to try something like that next time

OP posts:

ElsieMc · 07/10/2018 23:02

Oh God this makes me fume as I have been there as a grandparent carer sending gs to his dads and his parents. Jeans ripped to pieces, new shoes destroyed just the beginning. New Coat destroyed. I sent nothing, absolutely nothing. I sent him in his school uniform on Fridays in the end. They actually expected me to send a pack of pyjamas, dressing gown, slippers and clothes for them to keep! Learn fast op. So sorry your son is caught in the middle. Send him in his uniform when he collects and absolutely nothing more. How dare he keep the coat that you bought for your son and keeps him warm.

SuperMonster · 07/10/2018 23:04

@Bubblesandfizz
Absolutely! If it's weekend visits have him in his pjs ready to go and say nothing. He can then bring him home in whatever he likes.

I can't wrap my head around people like this. Child first always - it's so sad!

mishfish · 07/10/2018 23:08

My ex used to do that. I used to send DS off in lovely clothes and a bad of well fitting, comfortable and weather appropriate clothing- only for him to return in awful naff clothing that was Ill fitting and too small. I remember once, him proudly choosing a pair of new trainers and he took them to his dads for the weekend for them to come back absolutely ruined and caked in mud as he decided to take him to some muddy woods (but not put him in a pair of wellies for the trip ). I used to have the clothes returned once they were too small too. I’d maybe try writing an inventory or what he’s wearing and has packed to check off when he returns and if it keeps happening I would get a solicitor involved

Maelstrop · 07/10/2018 23:11

Does ds pack a bag of stuff to take? If so, stop that and send him in his jammies. Your ex is a twat, but you know this already.

Original poster

Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 23:13

No, DS doesnt take a bag, we used to just swap clothes, which i suppose we still do, he just swaps with crap!

OP posts:

CandiedPeach · 07/10/2018 23:16

I’d also mention to ex that you’ll be having to inform school about why ds is wearing a too small and inappropriate coat (because, his father has stolen it and is refusing to return it). Sometimes the shame of other people knowing, can make them act decent.

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 07/10/2018 23:17

Jammies and nothing else. Bundle him out to the car in s blanket which can be left in the car.

And continue this until you get through to your ex that you don't bend to his will.

Autumn2018 · 08/10/2018 22:38

How did it go today, OP? Any news on the coat front?

Beanbag12 · 09/10/2018 09:10

PJ's are a good idea, though they can be expensive. Does he put your DS in the good clothes while he's there, but just sends him back in rubbish clothes, or do all the good clothes sit in a cupboard unused? This makes me so cross for you.

user1484424013 · 09/10/2018 09:31

Send him in a onsie

makeitalargegin · 09/10/2018 09:42

My ex does this, it really gets to me!

In the end I bought the boys a cheap outfit from primark, send them up on there pjs. I would also take a photo of the contents of the bag of clothes and send it to him stating when you bring the boys back, bring all this back too. I would have alook round the charity shops for a cheap coat for him to go over his dads with.

Original poster

Bubblesandfizz · 09/10/2018 16:31

@Autumn I text Ex telling him DS has no coat for school, he said he will return on the next visit, so we will wait and see.

@Beanbag I have no idea, I imagine so, which means ex knows what hes doing.

Im definitely going to look in charity shops and selling sites for a cheap coat for his dads, If i thought DS would wear it, I would buy a really horrible one so that ex wouldnt want to keep it.

OP posts:

YeTalkShiteHen · 09/10/2018 16:35

This.

I’ve had the same shit for years with XH OP so I get where you’re coming from. My solution was to kit him out head to toe in the football colours we support (XH fucking hates the team) and it was the only guaranteed way it would come back!

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