Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contact and clothes

71 replies

Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 19:27

More a WWUD,

Whenever my DS10 see his dad overnight I always send him in clothes that are well fitted and weather appropriate. Over the last few weeks Ex has been sending DS home in clothes that are obviously too small, Jeans that havnt seen his trainers for a good while, and today returned him in just a tshirt, It was bloody freezing today. I asked DS where his coat was and he said that dad had kept it at his house because he doesnt have one there for him! The first time he did it I thought, ok, maybe hell return DS in the clothes the next week...nope. I cant afford to replace his clothes that his dad has,and DS doesnt have a coat for school tomorrow now. I had a sort out today while DS was with his dad, and he has 1 pair of jeans that will fit him, his dad has kept at least 4 pairs that I have sent him in, so I text Ex and asked him to return DS clothes that were "mine", he didnt, and he never replied to text.
I dont want to send DS in clothes that are too small for him, but I cant afford to keep buying DS clothes. DS is at the age now where he is conscious of what he is wearing, so Im thinking that ex is changing him into old clothes before returning him home. WWUD?

OP posts:
LeGrandeFluff · 07/10/2018 21:13

I wouldn't play tit for tat. It would be horrible for your son.
Does ex pay cms?
This is bordering on neglect surely to send him out in a tshirt this weather.
Make a note of all these little things.
What are the official court mandated contact arrangements? Any notes about duty of care?
At 10yo, I would teach ds to pack all his stuff in a bag and to bring his clothes back. Is he scared of his Dad?
What a shit thing to do.

kitkatsky · 07/10/2018 21:13

Yeah... my ex does this too but now DD is old enough I tell her to police it a bit. She's 7 so would be inclined not to make your son responsible but say "I can't afford to replace your goat so pls bring it home next time" My ex pays bugger all towards DD too so this really irks me when he keeps her well fitting clothes and sends her in I'll fitting polyester

Original poster
Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 21:16

@Feefee DS has never packed a bag, I usually send him to ex in "my" stuff, and ex normally returns him in "his" stuff, I would then send him back in his stuff (because it would fit him then) and ex would return him in my stuff from previous week, (does that make sense), only, now, since the summer as DS was wearing shorts all the time, ex has been returning him in his stuff, which Im guessing is from before the summer and DS has grown since so now doesnt fit him. Ex obviously hasnt worked out that kids grow, and need new clothes every few months!

OP posts:
Sparrowlegs248 · 07/10/2018 21:16

I agree with a pp, get yourself to Primark. Joggers, t shirts, hoodies. And ask ds to bring home his other clothes.

Original poster
Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 21:20

@Legrande DS isnt scared of his dad, but he isn't an argumentative kid, if he was told not to bring the clothes home, he wouldnt say..but mum said... Ex is quite manipulative, would probably tell him that they need washing or something, or ex would even maybe take them out of DS bag... oh, i dont bloody know what to do!

OP posts:
Everytimeref · 07/10/2018 21:23

We use to have the reverse of this. If my DH sent the DSC back to their mum's in decent stuff it would vanish. She would send them in too small underwear and socks and we spent a fortune replacing it every other weekend. It's awful having to have to monitor what the children are wearing and insist on them going home in too small stuff because we couldnt afford to lose another set of clothing.

Original poster
Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 21:24

OMFG......EX has just text back saying......If DS needs a coat and clothes then to buy them out of the maintenace he gives me, because "thats what its for"!!!!!!!!!

Knew this would turn into an argumnet...what can I say to that? Other than obvioulsy he is a bellend and £108 a month doesnt even cover 10% of what i pay for the care of DS...Gggrrrrrrr

OP posts:
Lulusmother · 07/10/2018 21:25

My ex did this. I'd send DS1 &2 in nice clothes, they'd return in stuff too small and then a year later ehh would send me a black bun bag of clothes that I'd bought and they had never worn, and consequently grown out of. He also thought it helpful that I could dispose of said clothing 🙄 After this they'd go to him in cheap stuff. Sorted !

Feefeetrixabelle · 07/10/2018 21:27

Tell you’ve already spent the maintenance money on the coat he’s fucking stolen.

Original poster
Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 21:30

Right, Ive just replied saying...Next time you come to collect you son, please bring clothes or he will be coming to your house naked!

OP posts:
Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 07/10/2018 21:31

@Bubblesandfizz

Reply "I have already bought him his cost and clothes. If you want me to buy 2 lots of everything, then you will need to double your maintenance. The maintenance is not to be used to buy items for you to keep. They must be kept with DS. I will inform the school that you will be bringing his coat in before morning break. If you fail to return it then contact will be stopped and we can work those out through solicitors"

PookieDo · 07/10/2018 21:35

I had clothes wars for years

My ex DP also did and I don’t understand why you don’t stand on the doorstep until you get it all back when it gets to this point - I used to! I just said I need XYZ and stood there while he got it all out for me and didn’t leave until he did. Also try to get your child to start being responsible for packing his bags and seeking out his clothes instead of relying on his crap Dad

Original poster
Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 21:36

@Fiffyshades This sounds good, Ill await his reply and respond with this. Smile

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 07/10/2018 21:36

And if he doesn’t show up on the doorstep for next contact with all his stuff then the door would be slammed firmly in his face and he wouldn’t get contact. It’s a form of neglect to send his kid out in autumn without a coat. It’s not on. Fucking twunt.

Original poster
Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 21:39

@Feefee Thats exactly what Im going to do, I will text him an hour before he is due to collect and "remind" him....no clothes, no contact

Oooh, im nervous now

OP posts:
PookieDo · 07/10/2018 21:39

Like my ex he thinks he’s entitled to the coat because his maintenance bought it. Despite the fact the child needs to be wearing it

Autumn2018 · 07/10/2018 21:40

There's no point in threatening to send your son naked. He knows that's not true and so you've lost credibility before you've even started on that one. I wouldn't like to have it read out to your son either.

You need to let him know the obvious.

You received maintenance to pay for clothes and a coat, and you did exactly that.

The cost cost £50 the jeans cost £20 and the jumper £15, that sort of thing. Like a PP said, if you want me to buy double you'll need to provide double first as nobody can reasonably afford that sort of thing.
Also it is unnecessary.

Do you have solicitors involved? It might be time to if not .

PookieDo · 07/10/2018 21:40

I totally got my own back and ex by taking kids to choose their own coats one year - they were some snazzy 90’s style designs, very warm and not cheap but not particularly fashionable and ex did not want to steal these and complained about how horrible they were for a whole year Grin

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 07/10/2018 21:41

He is a bully. You've got to stand up to bullies.

Do not back down. He needs to learn that he cannot control you or abuse you.

He also needs to understand that sending your son with no appropriate, warm outerwear is neglect. Sending him out in ill-fitting clothes is neglect. It's not due to lack of funds. He's doing it to show he is in charge. Using the boy to play games against you is neglectful. So preventing him the opportunity is reasonable. That means you can stop contact and sort it out through solicitors. Make that clear to him.

Prometheus · 07/10/2018 21:45

Bloody hell! Drive back to the house, knock on the door and tell the idiot that his son doesn't have a coat for school as his father appears to have stolen it.

BlessYour2Sizes2SmallHeart · 07/10/2018 21:45

Sounds like the bastard has plenty of clothes to fit your son after stealing them. As others said send him in one of the outfits he's sent him back in AND NOTHING ELSE. No extra clothes or toiletries or anything.

Original poster
Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 21:45

@Autumn No, Im obviously not going to send him naked, However, Ex will see the point Im making--hopefully, and, like I said previously, I will text him to remind him before he is due..."No clothes, No contact"

@Fiffyshades He is a bully, one reason why I left him. Thats also one reason why I dont want to involve my DS in asking for his stuff back, ex will make sure he doesnt get it, and somehow, looking like the hero

OP posts:
BlessYour2Sizes2SmallHeart · 07/10/2018 21:46

I'd definitely go to the door and demand the coat back. Then buy a second-hand one to send him in to his dirt bag Dad's

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 07/10/2018 21:49

As horrible as this is to say, children with a parent like that sometimes have to grow up a bit faster than their peers.

But it shouldn't come to that if you stop access and see a solicitor.

Original poster
Bubblesandfizz · 07/10/2018 21:49

@Bless I cant go to his front door, he lives 50 miles away. His dad had driven off before I realised he had no coat.

Its fine, He has tried last years on and it fits ok for now. I wont send him in one next time, He will be out of the house and in his dads car in 5 seconds, and same at the other end. I might say drop off will be in town next time as running late, so will need a coat.

OP posts: