Children stuck between a rock and a hard place

[sef23]

Recently moved from a small quanit welsh village to the local city (Cardiff). DS (8) & DD (5) both taught welsh first language. 3 of their cousins were in the same school. Grandparents live nearby, and whole family got on well and saw each other daily. Kids were doing good in school.

Decided to move to a more multicultural area and english school, (kids are mixed race) old welsh school had 5/6 ethnic minorities out of 400 kids, but it makes no difference at that age, no bullying or racism at all. Idea was that when they are older they wont feel isolated by race, or any other 'tag'. I grew up in said village, primary was a dream, comprehensive was a nightmare.

Kids have now been crying daily for 5 weeks, they want to go 'home' hate new school. New school is great, highly estyn rated and multicultural and leads to a great secondary (highest rated), faught for 2 years to get them in, in that time they grew on and up in their welsh school more deeply immersed in the welsh language. DS is finding adjustment difficult from education viewpoint as well being taught solely in welsh, tutors and effort from us is helping, but he's still daily saying he wants to go back, as is DD as grandparents and cousins/aunts had more of a hand in their care than us, their parents who were working too much, DH especially so they feel they have been ripped from their 'safe and stable place'. They miss thier cosuins who they think of as siblongs and grandparents immensley.

DD has attended 10 days in 4 weeks , DS is going daily and despite immediately making new friends misses his old friends.

Their old school has agreed to take them back.

Do we stay or go? We dont want to prolong their agony further kids happiness is paramount but so is there future schooling which they will not think about now, also in the city much more things to do - eg swimming, tennis, etc which in the village we cant but have to drive to said city to do.

Is it more important that they are with family, or not? once cousins grow up they all go their separate ways, and their grand parents are in their 70's we want them to spend as much time with them as possible. Weekends we go back, kids dont want to leave. Cousins are out so they dont really get to see them.

Is welsh to english at year 4 too much of an adjustment to make, learning verbs, adjectives, pronounication, spelling etc all over again in english is proving hard, we dont want teachers to think they arent bright as in welsh school they were in top sets.

So confused, any advice would help.

I said it before how on earth do you expect them to commit to it if you are not yourselves. The constant uncertainty and the hope that one day they may get to go back.

I’m going to be blunt, you and your H need to sort your shit out. Your reasons for moving are solid, you’re handling of it less so. There are so many unsettling factors in your situation that no wonder your children are unsettled. Toughen up and stop involving your children in adult relationship dynamics. Your DD is smart enough to pick up on you and your H’s indecision and as long as she knows ‘going home’ is still a possibility, the less like she will accept her new one.

Moving back doesn’t magically make your solid reason for leaving disappear and you’ve done the hard part, give it more time.

Good lord get a back bone. You've made the decision, it is the best one for them now stick to it and stop pandering. It will take them a while to settle, you've moved 40 minutes away not to another country. Make DD go to school, stop going back to the village every weekend and create a life they enjoy where you are. You're doing no one any favours with all this dithering and indecision, no wonder your kids think they can strop their way to getting what they want.

We moved when I was a similar age and apparently we spent the first year or so complaining constantly about wanting to go back and after that were completely rooted in the new place and thought it was the best place ever. I can't even remember wanting to go back although I was old enough to! Definitely agree you need to be very clear about your plans - 5 yr olds don't get to decide these things. For teenagers big cities can be great as they have more independence because of public transport - where I live now I see parents spending most of their time as a taxi service.... But either way you need to make a definite decision and stick to it as 5 yr old will be much more secure if she knows what's happening, even if she doesn't like it. Good luck

You and your husband need to decide what you want together (out of earshot) and stick to it.

Would staying at their old primary have precluded an application to a Cardiff secondary school?

Personally, I think the multicultural argument is less important a reason to move than things like having a shorter commute that allows you to see more of your kids. You said the old school is in their grandparents' village, so your kids are genuine locals there, with all the sense of belonging that that brings. It is really important that this move doesn't make them feel that they are only half Welsh or that they could't stay with the rest of their family because they only belong in multicultural environments. That would be really very sad.

hi to anyone thatswritten on this thread, just an update, we have made it to half term, with both still in the new school, our daughter finally did a full week before half term, but on the pretence that she is home for dinner daily, so we picked and dropped her, for 1 hour and it worked, no tears that week.... however....and a big however, the week before i forced DH to call their old school to confirm space was available and did this infront of the kids to get them to calm down and just stop crying, as at that point we had decided to move back..... i must admit a lot of this is my fault, im up and down and have forced dh to come back from outside the school gates when she wouldnt go in previously.... DS seems fine. I do understand now that at the start it was a knee jerk reaction, from everyone , new surroundings etc, but we are in the same dilemma again, they have been back in the village for half term, and have ofcoursed loved it and want to remain!

They are 8 and 5, their views need to be considered but as adults you make decisions for your family. What on Earth possessed you to phone the school in front of them - or at all - you’re toying with their emotions and unsettling them further. You and DH have some discussions around whether you plan to be together, the extent to which you are currently exposing your DC to adult relationship dynamics and the decisions you want to make for your family and why. Then look at doing some (very belated) transition work with your DC.

I’d be looking for compromise eg would you transfer them to a Welsh medium school in Cardiff, could they visit the school before a decision is made? That would be a half way between moving house and being taught in a way they understand. Could you spend some time as a tourist in Cardiff visiting sites and activities that they might enjoy. Help them process the feelings of loss they’re struggling to cope with. Did they have an ending at school or with their friends, get a chance to say goodbye etc? Is that something you could do now - or plan your visits but also have extended family come and visit you in your new home so the children see them in a familiar context.

Basically, you’ve got work to do on your relationship - it needs to stabilise at least in front of the DC, and with your DC to help them understand their feelings and transition to their new life.

You've got to decide one way or the other. I'm sorry, but you're messing with their heads at the moment and not doing a pretty poor job of being a parent.

Phoning in front of them is confusing and unsettling at best and otherwise very mean. Stop teasing them unless and until you genuinely intend to move back. Spend leisure time making the most of your new location if you mean to really give it a go, rather than returning at every opportunity.

did this infront of the kids to get them to calm down and just stop crying, as at that point we had decided to move back
so are you moving back or have you changed your mind? Confused by your post

Talking about the possibility of going back, in front of them, is just unfair on them. Must be making them so confused and not knowing whether they are coming or going.

I'd also say you need to stop going back so frequently and referring to the village as home. Spend some weekends exploring you new home, getting to know it.

You made this decision to move for good reasons, you need to give it longer, say at least a year. But actually spend that year being positive about your new home, get involved in the area. Not constantly comparing it to the village. Or being sad about being far from family. And face it, 40 is not far from family.

You, as adults, either make the commitment to stay and try your very best to make a go of it. Or go back but you need to be united, unwavering and actually stick to what you say. Once you've decided, then you tell the kids this is how it is, no if or buts, this is what we are doing. So they know where they stand.

My view at the start was that you should stay. However, now that you have essentially told them you are going back i think you have to do it. Otherwise it is so unfair and confusing on them.

Your initial decision was I think the right one but you have implemented it so, so badly. I think the to-ing and fro-ing is much more upsetting and unsettling than the initial move. You have made this so much worse than it needed to be, which is surprising for so-called softies.

You phoned their old school in front of them to calm them down? Sorry but you have handled this very badly. You haven't helped them settle at all, and if you dont move back now after ringing school in front of them they are never going to trust you.