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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws really negative about new puppy

74 replies

Really2018 · 07/10/2018 12:39

Also posted in the doghouse, but wanted perhaps wider opinions.

DH and I have decided to get a puppy. He is joining our household in three weeks, and while everyone else has been really excited for us, my MIL and FIL especially have said some real negative things. They think that:

a) we can't take care of a puppy or dog because we both work full-time.

We do both work, but my job is very flexible location-wise and I work at home 2 days a week at minimum. I'll work at home until the puppy gets its jabs and then I will bring him to daycare on days I'm in the office. We also have family that could pop in for emergencies. I don't think that this is cruel or unreasonable. It's no different than if you had a child and worked full-time.

b) We can never go anywhere and it's like having a child without any of the benefits.

Surely this is ridiculous. One of the reasons I want a dog is because I spend a lot of time home alone and get really lonely. DH works long hours (as do I, but with plenty of breaks) and I suffer from anxiety/depression. I would like a companion to take out and love and fuss over. I spoke to my psychologist and they have said it could be really good for me. I don't want children, and I think maybe they are upset because of that? I'm sure they would not have responded that way if I'd said that I was pregnant.. Hmm

c) What are you going to do when you want to go on holiday?

THEY HAVE CATS AND USE CATTERIES FFS. This really annoyed me.

Just need to vent about all this! I know having a puppy is a pain in the ass (trained my mum's when I lived at home), but they are just so negative and depressing. They are like that all the time which is why maybe it bothers me so much. I am worried about properly caring for my new pet and I'm doing plenty of research. I went to visit a couple days ago and he was so cute and I was really excited and they ruined it a little. Sad

AIBU for thinking my ILs are being far too negative and are making it seem as though the world is about to end? Should I change something about the way I'm planning to keep my dog? Experiences and advice appreciated.

OP posts:
MrTrebus · 07/10/2018 12:41

Go ahead with your plans ignore them end of.

sonjadog · 07/10/2018 12:44

My Mum has been like this about every single dog I have had in my life. I've had dogs for about 20 years now. For the first couple of dogs I got, it got to a point where I told her straight that the subject was off the table. For my last dog (got 6 months ago), I just rolled my eyes and said I´d managed to work it out for the last 19 years, so I was sure I´d be fine now.

To me, you sound like you are thinking realistically about your puppy. I think you will enjoy being a puppy owner. I would just refuse to discuss it with your in laws any more.

Roomba · 07/10/2018 12:46

Exactly, just ignore them. You've clearly thought it all through and planned carefully - it's not like some people I have known who have got a puppy without understanding the responsibilities.

I suspect they'll adore the dog once it arrives and they can see it all works fine!

TimeIhadaNameChange · 07/10/2018 12:49

My mother was the same with most of the of the pets I've had as an adult (and not long living with her). Hens - “I wouldn’t want them,” rabbit - “You'll have to clean the hutch every morning, you won't be able to do that,” cat - “How will you cope, you never have to look after your last cat?”.

This, despite me growing up with animals all my life. Despite all her reservations we have a small-holding full of happy, healthy and very well looked-after animals.

Please ignore them and enjoy your wee one!

adaline · 07/10/2018 12:50

Do you have daycare lined up? As not all daycares will take puppies.

ilovesooty · 07/10/2018 12:51

Sounds as though you have planned and you're not new to puppies.

Enjoy your new puppy.

coffeekittens · 07/10/2018 12:51

Just ignore them, maybe they’re not dog people and can only see the negatives in you owning a dog. Sounds like you’ve got it sussed and pup will have a fantastic life with you. Enjoy your new edition.

coffeekittens · 07/10/2018 12:54

*addition!

ShizeItsWeegie · 07/10/2018 12:56

The thing is that dogs are amazing for mental health. Dogs are amazing full stop. You can develop a bond with a dog that is unique. I think so long as you ensure the pup/dog has all it's needs met, it will work wonders for you. They might be a tad jealous maybe?

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 07/10/2018 13:02

Dogs are incredible additions to a family and if they're happy, they'll add so much to your lives!

Ignore them and concentrate on finding great puppy daycare for the days you're working. We have a lady who comes in three days a week when I'm at work and takes our dog out in a group. She loves the dog, the dog loves her, it breaks up the day for the dog and everyone's happier and healthier for our pooch being here.

pigsDOfly · 07/10/2018 13:04

Well if you've got all bases covered for the puppy to be cared for while you're at work and you've done your research then you're as prepared as any new owner of a puppy can be.

It's nothing to do with your ILs don't let them spoil it for you. Just tell them you're getting the puppy and it's not up for discussion.

Just one little word of advice though, some puppies can be a bit of a nightmare, but it sounds like you already know that, if you're struggling with yours at any time do not tell your ILs anything and give them an opportunity to say 'we told you so'.

You can always come on here and unload.

Having said that my dog was a fantastically easy puppy so I know from experience they're not all hard work.

SoupDragon · 07/10/2018 13:07

I have a dog and I actually agree with everything your in-laws say. It all depends on how you plan on working round the problems.

My dog would pine horribly in kennels so I have to find him a foster family for our holidays. This is at least double the cost of the cattery. Days out are problematic and I am currently somplet the stuffed for my fathers funeral as I can’t find anyone to have the dog.

The dog has not been good for my mental health at all either!

Merryoldgoat · 07/10/2018 13:08

If you know what you’re getting into then it’s fine.

I have friends who didn’t and it was ridiculous. She used every lunch time coming home to walk the dog, couldn’t stay out late, holidays became logistical nightmares, they just didn’t think it through.

If you have, can afford the care and are still desperate for the dog then get it and enjoy it.

LetsHaveAnotherGo · 07/10/2018 13:14

'I don't want children, and I think maybe they are upset because of that? I'm sure they would not have responded that way if I'd said that I was pregnant.. '

That could be your answer there OP. Honestly if it were me and they continued like this I wouldn't be able to bite my tongue and would have to ask, 'would you be this concerned if I told you we were having a baby? Ot would that be different?'

Elephant14 · 07/10/2018 13:16

I choose not to leave my dog for more than a couple of hours, at any time. However, there are 4 of us working/studying part time so we can cover it 24/7. I also have a neighbour who helps in emergencies and my dog loves her. All this is my choice. I wouldn't have chosen to arrange things the way you have, but it certainly seems you have thought it through. I live next door to "doggy day care" and I wouldn't leave an insect with them let alone a puppy, soon as the owners get in their cars it all kicks off lots of shouting 'SHUT THE FUCK UP' at the dogs. They take 12 week old puppies on 2-3 hour walks as well, as the owners that leave their dogs there have little or no idea about how puppies should be cared for, so do check that sort of thing when you chose your daycare.

Ultimately, the dog's emotional social and physical welfare is paramount. As long as you have educated yourselves and really covered that properly then the inlaws are just moaning, as people do.

SoupDragon · 07/10/2018 13:17

Having a baby is nothing like having a dog.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 07/10/2018 13:20

Having read what you have to say OP, all I can say is, 'enjoy your new puppy', you seem to have every angle covered.
Maybe it's time for your DH to have a quiet word with them, as they're beginning to sound like a stuck record.

DingDongDenny · 07/10/2018 13:21

I think you are probably right about them wishing it was a baby rather than a dog and so they irrationally resent the idea of a dog.

Just ignore them and do what's best for you

SummerGems · 07/10/2018 13:21

I don’t think anyone is right or wrong here tbh.

If you’ve got it worked out then just ignore them, I can never understand why people get so worked up about others’ views when they have their own strategy planned, partly I think that it’s because they know there is an element of truth to what the other person is saying.

But A, animals of any kind are a huge tie. Not all dogs manage well in kennels, an if they don’t then you need to either find somewhere dog friendly to go on holiday or not go on holiday. Similarly staying out late at night will be an issue if you have to get back for the dog and don’t have someone to come in to feed it. That doesn’t mean that it’s impossible, but often you don’t realise just how much of a tie they are until you no longer have them or until it hits home.

Similarly puppies are hard work, and I am frankly a bit Hmm about this notion of putting a puppy into daycare. There are many rehoming charities who wouldn’t rehome a dog to people who work full time as they don’t consider daycare to be appropriate.

Equally there are a lot of pro’s to having a dog, they’re definite company, they get you out when you otherwise might not, and they can be good for your MH although that is not a given.

But be careful about thinking of a dog as a child substitute in that because you don’t want children this is an alternative. It isn’t, and if you’re not careful you will end up with an over indulged puppy. It’s a dog, it needs to be treated like a dog not like a child.

I adore animals of all types and have had them all my life. But I’m suddenly in a position of not having any as they’ve passed on over the past few years, and as things currently stand although I miss not having them, there are certain aspects I don’t miss such as not being able to go away on a wim, having to deal with dead bodies the cats brought in, clearing up shite/sick/hair constantly, So for now I won’t be having any more...

It’s swings and roundabouts.

MakeAHouseAHome · 07/10/2018 13:22

I don't disagree with all their points but at the end of they day it is what you have decided you want to do.

Personally I would NEVER leave my dogs in kennels (family and friends ONLY).

And personally I would never get a dog while I worked unless I could work from home the majority of the time or a combination of working from home and leaving with my parents to look after. I have had dogs all my life (upto the age of 25 when I left home) but I just don't think it is fair to have one if you are just going to had it over to dogsitters day after day.

IWriteCode · 07/10/2018 13:26

My mother was exactly the same, probably because she was scared that if I got a puppy I would actually never give her grandchildren Grin.

We work full time, wonderful dog walker walks the dog twice a day. He boards with her on some holidays, we drive with him on holidays in Europe. He has brought so much joy to our life!

WhoLetTheCatsOut · 07/10/2018 13:29

Do they always treat you and your DH like children? You're old enough to make your own decisions so they should leave you be.

SusannahL · 07/10/2018 13:29

Look, your inlaws are older than you with more life experience than you, so they are fully entitled to voice their concerns about the planned puppy.

All their points are justified you know, but I'm sure they are fully aware that if you want a dog then you will get one.

Grown up children are fine all the time we completely agree with everything they are planning to do, but as can be seen here, the minute potential problems are pointed out to them, they are immediately complaining on social media!

Stillnotready · 07/10/2018 13:30

They have given three really good reasons why you should consider carefully the decision to get a dog, and you have demonstrated you have thought this through.
I really don’t see why you are upset.

It’s only a dog, not the second coming of the Messiah.
What do expect them to do, get the bunting out and host a party?

81Byerley · 07/10/2018 13:30

I'd love to have a dog, but I wouldn't, because having had experience of my sister in law's life with her dog, I know how difficult it is. If we meet for lunch, we usually have to leave the dog in the car, so summer is out, and if it's very cold, winter is out, too. She went on holiday to a self catering place because they welcomed dogs, but because she was alone she found it difficult. Not allowed to leave the dog alone, and not able to take her into most cafes. Tied to the dog's mealtimes, having to go out with the dog however she feels, cleaning up dog mess. The list goes on.
On the plus side, she has a gorgeous loving companion who is always there for her and lifts her mood. Who makes her walk every day, so is good for her physical and mental well-being. Who helps her meet other people when they are out and about. You seem to have everything well thought out. In my view, if you aren't expecting your in-laws to help, you shouldn't let them spoil your excitement about your new puppy.