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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In-laws really negative about new puppy

74 replies

Really2018 · 07/10/2018 12:39

Also posted in the doghouse, but wanted perhaps wider opinions.

DH and I have decided to get a puppy. He is joining our household in three weeks, and while everyone else has been really excited for us, my MIL and FIL especially have said some real negative things. They think that:

a) we can't take care of a puppy or dog because we both work full-time.

We do both work, but my job is very flexible location-wise and I work at home 2 days a week at minimum. I'll work at home until the puppy gets its jabs and then I will bring him to daycare on days I'm in the office. We also have family that could pop in for emergencies. I don't think that this is cruel or unreasonable. It's no different than if you had a child and worked full-time.

b) We can never go anywhere and it's like having a child without any of the benefits.

Surely this is ridiculous. One of the reasons I want a dog is because I spend a lot of time home alone and get really lonely. DH works long hours (as do I, but with plenty of breaks) and I suffer from anxiety/depression. I would like a companion to take out and love and fuss over. I spoke to my psychologist and they have said it could be really good for me. I don't want children, and I think maybe they are upset because of that? I'm sure they would not have responded that way if I'd said that I was pregnant..

c) What are you going to do when you want to go on holiday?

THEY HAVE CATS AND USE CATTERIES FFS. This really annoyed me.

Just need to vent about all this! I know having a puppy is a pain in the ass (trained my mum's when I lived at home), but they are just so negative and depressing. They are like that all the time which is why maybe it bothers me so much. I am worried about properly caring for my new pet and I'm doing plenty of research. I went to visit a couple days ago and he was so cute and I was really excited and they ruined it a little.

AIBU for thinking my ILs are being far too negative and are making it seem as though the world is about to end? Should I change something about the way I'm planning to keep my dog? Experiences and advice appreciated.

OP posts:

ForalltheSaints · 07/10/2018 14:58

You have thought about what care a dog needs, which is good. Maybe the in-laws are not dog people.

AuntBeastie · 07/10/2018 14:59

Ignore them. It sounds like they do have pique about grandchildren. Maybe they think if you can commit to a puppy there is no reason not to have kids (clearly bullshit but maybe that’s their angle?). Crack on and enjoy your lovely puppy!

Wildheartsease · 07/10/2018 15:03

Your plans are sound.
Dogs are wonderful companions to those who work at home.
Enjoy your puppy and ignore the cat-people.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 07/10/2018 15:04

They may be worrying that you will expect them to help out and they’ll be stuck with a job they don’t want. Also that you will expect to bring it with you when they visit. As long as you make it clear you won’t ask them for help, and you won’t ever bring it to their house, they should be fine. Their questions aren’t negative, they’re sensible ones to ask. The main thing is you have the answers.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 07/10/2018 15:05

*when you visit them, not when they visit.

Singlenotsingle · 07/10/2018 15:09

Why are they even getting involved? It's none of their beeswax, is it? Get your dog and enjoy it. Ours adds so much fun and laughter to our house, I wish I'd done it years ago!

Tinkobell · 07/10/2018 15:09

@Really2018 .....well it does sound like you've done your research. It also sounds like the ILs are nit pickers who try and undermine confidence. I love being a mum of dogs, cats and kids! What breed are you going for? We had a westie.....he needed just 30-60 mins per day. Our Cockapoo on the other hand needs x 2 walks of around 45 mins per day..., so much more commitment rain or shine.
Around here, the going rate for full day care is £15-£20, so do bear in mind that monthly cost of potentially £200-£270 plus insurance c£40 per month and decent food. I realise that you probably think I'm just pointing out the negatives here...but they are part of the commitment you take on. Sadly too many people don't think about those things and come unstuck later on.

BlueberryPud · 07/10/2018 15:12

We also have family that could pop in for emergencies

Might they worried they'll get roped in for dog-care and feel unable to say no? I don't care much for dogs, wouldn't want the responsibility or commitment , and couldn't put up with the mess. Yet a friend of mine insists she has to bring her dog when she visits because she can't leave it on its own. She used to stay overnight, but not since she's had the dog. I have to draw the line there because it gives me a 'hairy throat' (Only way I can describe it)
Her horizons have definitely shrunk in the last couple of years.

So. Could they just be worried they might get asked to have the dog every time you want to go anywhere? It's the first thing I'd think of.

BlueberryPud · 07/10/2018 15:13

Myimaginarycathasfleas

X post.

Sarahlou63 · 07/10/2018 15:17

I really don’t get the “dogs don’t do well in a kennel” line. Part of having a dog is managing its expectations of being with people. If the dog learns to understand and be secure with being on its own for a reasonable period on time it will be fine in a well run boarding kennel. If it’s not, then that’s a fault of the owner.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 07/10/2018 15:18

... THEY HAVE CATS ...

Could they be worried that you'll be wanting to take the dog with you when you go to visit, or that you'll refuse to visit if they say you can't take the dog?

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 07/10/2018 15:22

Blueberry we’re probably right then 😁

adaline · 07/10/2018 15:24

If it’s not, then that’s a fault of the owner.

No, not necessarily. Some breeds just don't cope well with being alone and some dogs suffer with separation anxiety no matter what training people put into place to try and manage it.

Bobbybear10 · 07/10/2018 15:27

OP I can completely see your point and agree a dog may be really good for your mental health.

Your inlaws were rude in the way they discussed their worries with you BUT although expressed poorly they do have a point.

You do sound like you can offer a loving home but the massive issue is that your work situation will be extremely detrimental to a puppy.

It won’t be fair on the puppy or you, to have to leave it at daycare. If the dog was older then maybe a really good daycare would be ok but honestly it’s not fair to put a puppy into daycare.

You cannot leave the puppy alone while you work. It’s great you can get two days off a week but unfortunately that’s just not enough. A dog walker coming in morning and afternoon when you work would work well for some ADULT dogs but certainly not a puppy!

You sound like you really love animals and you wouldn’t want to distress a puppy would you?

Your set up just doesn’t work for a puppy or even some adult dogs.

If you are absolutely set on having a dog right now then I would suggest a dog rescue where you can find an adult dog that’s ok with being let out by a dog walker twice a day.

Not only will your set up distress a puppy you will find it will make you quite upset knowing the puppy is distressed while you are at work.

I don’t think you have to give up on your dream of having a dog BUT I do think you need to re-think how it’s going to work and what age and temperament will suit your situation, the only way you can do that is by rehoming an older dog.

UbercornsGoggles · 07/10/2018 15:30

My husband's parents were like this when we were getting our dog, and I think my parents thought similar but didn't say anything. They all absolutely adore our dog now and are always asking to look after him. We've never had to use kennels!

They can see what a positive impact he's had on our lives, especially on my husband who suffers from depression. We were also strict at training him to a high standard - he's a big dog and we were trying to get pregnant - which helped alleviate their concerns.

QOD · 07/10/2018 15:51

@soupdragon my friend does doggyboarding in her home licensed and insured and limited to I think 4 dogs
£20 for 24 hours and my girl loves it. They live with the family but she also has puppy pen to separate dogs if needed. Mines a tiny chihuahua so it’s to protect her really

QOD · 07/10/2018 15:58

When I’m on holiday I should add

She also does daycare for £10 and will
Do puppy or dog visits and walks for £7
There’s loads of these around now

UseditUpandWoreitOut · 07/10/2018 16:02

@Didiplanthis My parents assumed our puppy was instead of children and made an album of her like they had of the other grandchildren !
I love this.

They are tying though OP, you may find your dog can't cope with daycare (always assuming you can even find good quality care) ditto kennels.
My little pooch has anxiety problems and was recently diagnosed with diabetes (that means 2 injections every day) I would never leave her at daycare or kennels, even before her diabetes.
As long as you've thought through all the 'what-ifs' then it's your and DH's decision.
But my little pooch is the most important member of the family, she brightens all our days

rookiemere · 07/10/2018 16:05

Bobbybear10 - I do think you are making some massive generalisations.

There are home walkers that will also provide day care for dogs - not pop in for a short visit and then leave them - although I know that is available I didn't pick that as an option as not suitable IMHO for a puppy. Rookiepup loves going with the dog walkers as he gets to run around ( for a short appropriate period) with the other dogs.

I will concede that we got lucky with rookiepup, but we've always been able to work successfully from home and manage his needs after the first week he arrived. We take him out for a (short because of his age) walk in the morning before starting work, then he has free rein of the totally enclosed garden whilst I'm working, then he gets another walk/undivided attention at lunchtime and then when I'm finished. If he seems unsettled I'll do 5 minutes of training with him, but mostly he seems to sleep, as puppies do sleep a ridiculous number of hours per day.

He seems perfectly happy waits to be told that ddog is being hideously maltreated.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 07/10/2018 16:08

My DP's family hate dogs and haven't visited us since we got ours nearly two years ago. Win! His family haven't said much about them, other than expecting us to travel for hours to see them and of course kennel the dogs to facilate this as they won't allow them at their house. We've never done this so we essentially just don't see them now. I should add that they aren't scared of dogs, just don't like them for reasons only they know.

Haireverywhere · 07/10/2018 16:08

We personally chose to wait until one of us could work from home 4 days a week. We had a walker and day care lined up too in case things changed. As long as you have really thought about it and have the time for training, ability to factor in puppy's needs, and money for everything needed then go ahead.

Lizzie48 · 07/10/2018 16:18

I agree with @Bobbybear10 that an adult dog from a rescue would cope better with your set-up. A puppy would need you to be at home a lot more than you are.

jelliebelly · 07/10/2018 16:23

Not really any of their business but I guess they are trying to make sure you've really thought it through - the reasons listed are all the reasons why we don't have a dog....

Tinkobell · 07/10/2018 19:50

Actually the point that your ILS have cats with all their funny ways does amuse me. I have the lot; dogs, cats and kids. I can honestly hand-on-heart tell you that the most stressful period of my life has to have been the week we moved house with the bloody cat! He first scratched the house to pieces, then he ran away for days, then he returned and yowled day and night before finally setting out to return to our old home! For about three weeks I had to drive round there - box him up and bring him back before starting the whole ritual again. It was awful. It took my cat about one year to settle down. When we go away, we have to have a lady come visit him twice a day. The dog by contrast was easy peasy......didn't give a toss as long as we were around. ......And that's the thing with dogs OP, you do have to be around. You reap what you sew with a puppy. If you (not dog sitters) put in time and love with a pup at the beginning you get a happy, well balanced dog. My DP works from home and our 7 month old bitch is far too needy and attention seeking to have around his feet while he's trying to take calls. They do need lots of attention.

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