In-laws really negative about new puppy

[Really2018]

Also posted in the doghouse, but wanted perhaps wider opinions.

DH and I have decided to get a puppy. He is joining our household in three weeks, and while everyone else has been really excited for us, my MIL and FIL especially have said some real negative things. They think that:

a) we can't take care of a puppy or dog because we both work full-time.

We do both work, but my job is very flexible location-wise and I work at home 2 days a week at minimum. I'll work at home until the puppy gets its jabs and then I will bring him to daycare on days I'm in the office. We also have family that could pop in for emergencies. I don't think that this is cruel or unreasonable. It's no different than if you had a child and worked full-time.

b) We can never go anywhere and it's like having a child without any of the benefits.

Surely this is ridiculous. One of the reasons I want a dog is because I spend a lot of time home alone and get really lonely. DH works long hours (as do I, but with plenty of breaks) and I suffer from anxiety/depression. I would like a companion to take out and love and fuss over. I spoke to my psychologist and they have said it could be really good for me. I don't want children, and I think maybe they are upset because of that? I'm sure they would not have responded that way if I'd said that I was pregnant..

c) What are you going to do when you want to go on holiday?

THEY HAVE CATS AND USE CATTERIES FFS. This really annoyed me.

Just need to vent about all this! I know having a puppy is a pain in the ass (trained my mum's when I lived at home), but they are just so negative and depressing. They are like that all the time which is why maybe it bothers me so much. I am worried about properly caring for my new pet and I'm doing plenty of research. I went to visit a couple days ago and he was so cute and I was really excited and they ruined it a little.

AIBU for thinking my ILs are being far too negative and are making it seem as though the world is about to end? Should I change something about the way I'm planning to keep my dog? Experiences and advice appreciated.

I think you have to pick the breed very carefully. I have had dogs that I wouldn't have been able to leave, not for a minute and a dog that was so lazy even as a youngster that I could have left her at home all day every day and just walked her in the evenings. I went to a party once leaving her covered up in her basket next to the Rayburn. My car broke down and long story shot I got home 36 hours later. I expected the house to be covered in shite and wee. She was still in her bed covered by her fleece. I lifted the corner and she came blinking into the light and decided that she did actually need a wee and as it goes did I have anything she could eat? Individual dogs and individual breeds. I found the lazy ass basket a lot easier to live with than the more demanding types with collie in for example.

My parents assumed our puppy was instead of children and made an album of her like they had of the other grandchildren ! They were quite surprised when we had babies.. I think you have thought it all through and will make a great home for a puppy but do check day care options in plenty of time - getting kids into nursery was easier round here.

I think you have thought this through and its not really any of their business but from a professional dog persons point of view...

1 - a puppy has a short window of opportunity for socialisation/habituation and frankly very few day cares will provide the optimum experience for your puppy, many will actually be quite damaging (too many dogs, not enough staff, dogs being bullied, dogs learning to be bullies etc).

Many won't take very young puppies.

Factor in MUCH longer WFH/taking puppy with you - a few months at the very least.

2/ People popping in...

Nice idea but the reality is puppies need to go to the toilet every couple of hours up to around 10 weeks, every three hours or so after that and won't be fully, reliably house trained until nearer 7 or 8 months old.

In addition, separation anxiety, ie, not coping with being alone, is NORMAL for young dogs up to around 9 months old. That doesn't mean its ok for them to experience it, it means its not an abnormal behavioural problem. It means it is not a good idea to expect your pup to tolerate being left alone for very long before that point.

If you have the ability to work around this, provide what the puppy needs (even if thats contrary to what you hoped or expected!) then go for it.

If not, hang on til things are in place.

I specialise in treating separation anxiety in dogs and I'd love it if people took this advice on board BEFORE they get a puppy, rather than call me in later on down the line to fix a serious problem!

I get that your in laws negativity is annoying but they actually make some good points
You aren’t just adding to your family you are having a major life change.
You can’t be spontaneous, if we go to the cinema for example we can’t just decide to go for food afterwards and we’ve had to cut things short and get back for the dog plenty of times. You may be able to drop your pup at daycare but you may not, not all dogs suit daycare.
Also, our dog made my mental health much worse in the short term and post puppy depression is most certainly real.
I love our dog to bits now but it’s been a difficult journey to get here and not sure it’s one I would have made with hindsight
Ignore the in laws negativity but make sure you’ve done your research and as a childless couple you probably have a lot of freedom you will lose once you get your dog.

I was very negative about my daughter, who has 4 children, getting a dog mainly because I knew she wouldn't train it and it would add more to her workload as she works full time and never had time to do anything properly.
Of course she went ahead and now has three dogs!
None of them trained properly. It's a madhouse!
Just do what she did and ignore your ILs. You sound far more able to cope with a dog than my daughter is and she has never regretted her decision. She absolutely adores her dogs and reckons they give far more than they take..
I still think she's mad but I don't have to live with them so it's none of my business

They aren’t dog people. Either am I. But it sounds like the puppy will have a good home and if sound she like you know it will be hard work. Some people just need to point out all the negative issues incase you haven’t thought of them.

Good luck it’s the new pup

Getting a puppy was very bad for my mental health. It was very very stressful and I work part time. I never wanted to be at home.

I would also add something which is not on your inlaw's list - the fact that the puppy will probably spend a lot of the day howling as it's left on its own while you are both at work.

Your poor neighbours.

Believe me, everyone thought we were mad to get a dog. We have never been dog lovers but our children really did a hard sell on us and we decided to go for it (after an enormous amount of research and discussion). It's the best thing ever. We have had him for two years now and he is one of the family so completely that all the inconveniences that accompany dog ownership just don't matter.

Ignore them and just focus on how exciting (and exhausting / frustrating / difficult) it's going to be once the dog arrives. 😉

1. If it’s what you want and you know what you’re getting into then go for it.

1. They probably are upset about no grandchildren so it’s rasier to be down on the dog idea than say that.

1. Every point they made is right to some degree.

I was the one in our house resisting a dog for many years as I could only think of the negatives (and like you brought up with dogs, trained a puppy, dealt with dogs with issues etc).
We ended up with a Golden Retriever, more by accident than design, and it’s honestly been the best thing for our family and home life, has forced us to get out of the house and into nature, we adore her and she does nothing but provide fun, affection and fantastic company.
You will love having a puppy, ignore the PIL’s!

Bedtime reading, OP.
www.petforums.co.uk/threads/thinking-of-getting-a-dog-puppy-the-realities.134055/

I dunno why you’re fretting about what your in laws are saying. I learnt a long time ago to tell my mother something was none of her business. Better yet, minimise what you tell them.

WiddlinDiddlin talks a lot of sense.

But your ILs are being tedious and silly. Ignore or tell them to change the subject.

And we need a picture of the puppy!

Hi - long time dog owner and puppy owner here. I think the real bug bear that your IL's may have is the lack of a grandchild and they probably worry that the dog will effectively become the grandchild theyre missing. I don't see the issues that are raised in points b) and c) as at all unsurmountable with arranging back up care and good holiday cover and care. That's all pretty good, at least while the dog is young fit and healthy. Do bare in mind that if your dog develops an illness such as diabetes etc later on in life then third party carers might not be willing to take the dog on.
Your full time job really bothers me though. I fear you thinking that you can work 2 days at home per week with staged drop ins etc for the rest of the time is sufficient for the needs of any intelligent dog.....it is not! If I bred a puppy I wouldn't home that puppy with you in all conscience because I think it would be lonely. I do find the general feel of your opening thread all about what you think the dog can do for you, not what you can do for the dog. What if your puppy turns out to be a behavioural pain in the arse - chewing, barking, biting etc....,are you up to that? Are you also up to the risk of the new pup barking all night in the first few weeks.....especially when you've got to get up and do a full time job OP. Don't dream, these are the realities.

May be worth looking out for dog walkers rather than doggy day care - or perhaps when puppy is older.

Our walkers are flexible over days , much cheaper than the day care option and keep rookiepup at home for the afternoon walks so he isn't over exercised ( husband and wife team). They also do homeboarding which rookiepup really enjoyed as loves their dog.

Sounds much more like its about dog being replacement for grandchild than anything else, just ignore them.

Sounds like their negativity will go in your favour.
They won't want to visit you then will they?!

Its all relative.

I have a wl13 week old pup and have severe anxiety and a personality disorder.

She has brought me right out of my shell and I've done things in the last few weeks I've not done in years.

She s already my best friend.

My Mum was the same with us. She was convinced a dog was just a tie and that we'd never be able to go out etc.

In the end getting him was the best thing we ever did. We all adore him, he has totally enriched our lives.

A dog is hard work but also brings considerable rewards. You will have to spend a lot of time training and the first few months are quite hard as all that will take up your time. Eventually a dog walker would be a good option or doggy day care but initially make sure you are going to be able to be home frequently during the day. Puppy should not be left for more than a couple of hours to begin with.

Your ILs opinion sounds loaded- ignore them.

I have inlaws like yours, negative opinion on everything.

I am a dog owner myself and as I'm older and wiser now haha I will reluctantly say your inlaws have a point though they were rude to raise it as they did.

Puppy's need company and stimulation. Fact. So many people think it's ok to get a puppy and leave it in a crate while they're out at work, maybe popping home at lunchtime to let it out.

This is really not good enough.
I know of a French bulldog who went loopy chasing shadows and reflections on the walls in his crate as he was so under stimulated. He then continued this manic behaviour when he was out on walks, chasing cars and anything that moved or created a reflection.

Kennels while on holiday. Please don't.
They are horrendous for pets who are used to being spoiled and loved in a home. Less so perhaps for working dogs or dogs with a companion in with them.

Stand nearby a kennel at any time and all you'll hear is continual barking. This is damaging for a young dog.

Daycare. Can be expensive, say between £15-£30 a day and not always well run/supervised as the dog industry generally is unregulated and people are doing this for money without proper training.

A young pup will learn bad habits and possibly become reactive if left unsupervised in a free for all doggy daycare environment.

It's really tough to have a pup without a lot of support from family. It is like having a child in a lot of ways, except you can't take them with you every where.

Ultimately though it's your decision to make, not your inlaws.

Oh OP...So what, really? They don't agree with your decision to get a dog, just take no notice. I wouldn't even think on this deeply. Decision made, if they keep on about it tell them so, and that's it.

As long as you have researched the breed.

However, you really could do with being around more in the first 4/6 months. Day car, as said can cause issues when used for puppies, especially if you want a companion dog.

I wouldn't have a dog (far too much work!), but I have 4 cats, who all came to us as kittens. Kittens are not such hard work (my DSis has a Labrador Retriever from a puppy and I remember hearing blow by blow accounts about that time), but I couldn't have done that if I hadn't been at home most of the days as a SAHM. The mess they used to make of our living room was far greater than anything my DDs could devise as toddlers!

I know you resent your PILs' comments, OP, but I notice that a lot of the experienced dog owners on this thread are echoing their concerns. You both need to think this through carefully and, if you do go ahead, then plan ahead carefully for when the puppy comes to live with you.

Good luck.

It's no different than if you had a child and worked full time
No one I know of had a baby and straight away put it into childcare. At the very least you need to use annual leave for a chunk at the start.

Thanks for your replies everyone, I do appreciate it. Yes, my ILs always treat us like children. We still get stockings at Christmas.

@Tinkobell: the reason I talk alot about 'what the dog can do for me' is because I was listing why I'd decided to add one to my household. Similarly to when having a child you'd list why you want a child, not why the child wants you. The reason I want to take puppy to daycare is because I don't want it to have to be alone during the day. I work from home 2 days as a minimum, so I'm not expecting puppy to have to go to daycare most of the week. I'm also looking into using an office closer to home which would allow me to pop in to see my dog (when it's a bit older) twice a day.

I totally accept that things might not run smoothly, but the reason my ILs reaction bothers me so much is because they are just so damn negative. I don't dislike them normally, so I just feel a little hurt when they react this way (When DH told MIL he was going to ask me to marry him, her first response was 'is that really what you want to be doing? ').

I had the same 'I have decided to get a dog' conversation with my own mum, and though she asked me all the same questions, she wasn't so dismissive, and the questions didn't bother me.

I don't need them to be super excited, but it would be nice if they were a bit less judgemental about everything. For example, they asked what we were calling it. DH said 'we're calling them x', and instead of saying 'ok' they go 'why? Why not just call him [insert name that sounds similar] instead.'

It's just exhausting. I think that is more the issue. Yes, having the puppy is going to be hard and I love to hear about people's thoughts and experiences. I'm making the comparison to children because people do that often, but I'm not soft and will not treat my dog like a replacement child. I just want puppy to grow up happily and with plenty of variety on its life, so I thought daycare would allow them some new environment to play in. I will definitely do a lot of research though on where to send him!

We have a lot of freedom at the moment, and I know it won't be the same when we get the puppy, however, a lot of the time I just sit in my house, bored, wishing I had someone to play with outside, take to the lakes in my car and play in the water with. It's not as though I'm giving up much in that department .

I am think I'm just ranting, I'll try and stop