AIBU?
DH just gave DS everything he wanted
namechange4000 · 07/10/2018 11:38
Looong back story: will keep it as short as I can.
DH suffering depression for 3 yrs. changing meds at the moment, coming off one to go on another. He's finding it really hard.
DS almost 7. Shows classic signs of SPD and potential high functioning autism. When he makes up his mind about something, he stubbornly sticks to it. Forever.
DS has a hobby where he gets awards for completing levels. He's 1 move off completing a level that qualifies him to train with a new group at a higher level.
Every other week or so for the last 18 months, DS will refuse to go. We get him there through gentle coaxing, bribes and appealing to reason. Every so often I loose my shit. Sorry. Threats of punishment for refusing to get dressed etc. Threats never ever work. Gentle coaxing does.
DS refuses this morning. DH then promised DS everything he wanted to do today, even though we had started out firm. DS wants Dad to take him. I'd already promised Dad a break today and I'd take him. Very conscious of giving DH enough self care time. DH said if he took him, they'd be no time for them both to play together this afternoon, he'd have to choose. Drive to hobby or play, not both. Then DH caved in and started undressing DS like he did as a toddler, gave DS everything he wanted, and now thinks problem solved.
DS always enjoys himself once at hobby and is motivated to keep going. The refusal isn't based on refusing the hobby, more it's that he doesn't want to stop doing what he's doing in that moment, then digs his heels in.
AIBU to be pissed at DH? For caving in and giving DS what he wanted. For making it harder to mange this kind of behaviour in the future? And for not standing up for himself when trying to create time for self care?
How can we handle this better next time? I don't lose my shit every time, I'm normally a coaxer. But I'm the firm one. DH is an easy mark and DS knows this/plays on it/pushes boundaries more often with DH.
PotteringAlong · 07/10/2018 11:40
Every other week or so for the last 18 months, DS will refuse to go.
So why take him?
mum11970 · 07/10/2018 11:44
As pp, why on earth are you forcing him to go? Don’t think your dh’s approach is any better or worse than your lose your shit approach. Give up the trying to force the hobby.
pinkyredrose · 07/10/2018 11:56
A yr and a half of making him do something? Time to call it a day.
namechange4000 · 07/10/2018 12:00
Sorry it was a long post and got lost in translation.
DS enjoys the hobby. Always happy there. Always happy after. Is progressing and really proud of his achievements. Is motivated by his progress and wants to keep going.
That's why we take him.
TawnyTeal · 07/10/2018 12:01
DS has a hobby where he gets awards for completing levels. He's 1 move off completing a level that qualifies him to train with a new group at a higher level.
Could it be that he is anxious about going up a level and into a new group? The thought of such a change might be difficult.
Also, what happens if you start the getting ready to go routine, and when he doesn't respond or digs his heels in, you just stop coaxing and say ok, we won't go this week then and start doing something else?
properlook · 07/10/2018 12:02
Try the thing you haven’t tried... when he says he doesn’t want to go, say ok and let him not go. Doesn’t matter that he’s one step away from something, if he never does it that’s his choice. Is it you that wants him at the higher level?
ichifanny · 07/10/2018 12:03
I have to say I don’t see the point of forcing children to attend hobbies , obviously I wouldn’t let them quit everything on a whim but Consistently not wanting to go I’d let them quit .
My daughter didn’t want to attend martial arts yesterday so I made her go but if she does the same often I would just let her leave .
Celestia26 · 07/10/2018 12:04
My son was like this with Rugby.
He said he didn't want to go, so we 'coaxed' home to go for a few months.
Despite enjoying himself once he was there, he made it obvious the rest of the time, including the lead up to going, that he didn't want to go.
So we took the hint. Stopped rugby and did something he did want to do.
I suggest you do the same OP. Your son is clearly telling you he doesn't want to do it.
Birdsgottafly · 07/10/2018 12:08
I've had two children with SN, both doing well as Adults.
I've had similar issues and let them not attend/fail, it was the best thing to do.
I hated that my youngest DD wanted to give up Horse-riding and my eldest athletic stuff, they were both naturally talented. But they learned to set their own boundaries, make decisions and deal with the consequences.
It's more important that you don't shield children with SN/AD from that.
Is he being professionally diagnosed, is School expressing concern?
How much is his Dad's depression effecting him? Could this be part of him wanting attention focused on him etc?
bridgetreilly · 07/10/2018 12:08
It sounds like both you and DH are pretty near the end of your tether with DS. You lose your temper with him, DH gives in to him. Instead of getting cross with each other, why not be kind to each other and recognise that you are both struggling with a difficult situation?
MigGril · 07/10/2018 12:08
I have a child like this, would he by any chance quite happily sit at home doing his own thing unless you took him out. DS does a couple of clubs love's them but boy sometimes getting him there is hard work.
Just keep taking him. I'm not sure your DH did anything to wrong to be honest, DH sometimes caves to. Although coaxing is always better, I also bribe with if you go you can do x latter sort of thing. Telling him he won't be allowed if he doesn't go.
It is good to encourage them if they enjoy t while there, I'd never carry on taking DS if he hated actually doing it. That would be pointless, but it's good for them to do hobbies they enjoy.
BrokenWing · 07/10/2018 12:11
ds(14) was like this with martial arts around the same age and after months of making him go on the basis of he was happy when he got there and said he enjoyed it we eventually stopped taking him. He took up another hobby which he loves instead and practises outside classes too.
Stop making your child go to something he doesn't enjoy. When he gets to the next level (which you seem move invested in than him) he will hate it even more unless he is really committed to it. A hobby for children should be enjoyed and looked forward too.
(unless its swimming lessons then you need to work out another way to learn).
Blackoutblinds · 07/10/2018 12:15
I wouldn’t be coaxing and losing shit. Stop. Step back. DS doesn’t want to do it enough.
slithytove · 07/10/2018 12:16
Every week my eldest says he doesn’t want to go to gymnastics. Every week I say ok we won’t go (and mean it). Cue quickest turnaround ever that actually he does want to go and he actually didn’t want to get dressed/brush his teeth/stop watching pokemon.
Why not try not going?
Blackoutblinds · 07/10/2018 12:16
Even if it’s swimming lessons. Not being able to swim is one of those things that some people can’t do. My D.C. will never be able to swim and that’s ok. It’s not ideal, I’d prefer in an ideal world they could swim. But they can’t learn so it’s ok. I’ve learned to live with that
PotteringAlong · 07/10/2018 12:18
You can enjoy something when you’re doing it but still prefer, overall, not to go. I’d still just stop.
croprotationinthe13thcentury · 07/10/2018 12:19
I think sometimes parents should listen to their kids. I mean REALLY listen. Not sure either of you are doing this OP.
BlankTimes · 07/10/2018 12:20
Try PDA strategies, not necessarily for the hobby, but for general demand avoidance.
www.pdasociety.org.uk/families/strategies
Popfan · 07/10/2018 12:20
I agree with above posters , my DS has a number of sporting hobbies. We stopped one of them as even though he liked it when he was there he often didn't want to go, he was quite good at it but in the end it just wasn't worth it. All the rest there's never any issue about going and can't wait!
Mamabear4180 · 07/10/2018 12:22
He doesn't enjoy this hobby as much as you think. Time to call it day (a year ago)
Ruffian · 07/10/2018 12:23
I think if you're worried about your DH mental health you need to take the stress out of such situations
Knittedfairies · 07/10/2018 12:27
If he’s refusing to go, take that at face value; no more coaxing, no more bribery. If he won’t get dressed to go, leave him in pjs and stay at home. Otherwise you will be doing this forever. Why put yourself through this every week? You’ll soon know whether he really wants to go. Or not.
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