DH just gave DS everything he wanted

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Looong back story: will keep it as short as I can.

DH suffering depression for 3 yrs. changing meds at the moment, coming off one to go on another. He's finding it really hard.

DS almost 7. Shows classic signs of SPD and potential high functioning autism. When he makes up his mind about something, he stubbornly sticks to it. Forever.

DS has a hobby where he gets awards for completing levels. He's 1 move off completing a level that qualifies him to train with a new group at a higher level.

Every other week or so for the last 18 months, DS will refuse to go. We get him there through gentle coaxing, bribes and appealing to reason. Every so often I loose my shit. Sorry. Threats of punishment for refusing to get dressed etc. Threats never ever work. Gentle coaxing does.

DS refuses this morning. DH then promised DS everything he wanted to do today, even though we had started out firm. DS wants Dad to take him. I'd already promised Dad a break today and I'd take him. Very conscious of giving DH enough self care time. DH said if he took him, they'd be no time for them both to play together this afternoon, he'd have to choose. Drive to hobby or play, not both. Then DH caved in and started undressing DS like he did as a toddler, gave DS everything he wanted, and now thinks problem solved.

DS always enjoys himself once at hobby and is motivated to keep going. The refusal isn't based on refusing the hobby, more it's that he doesn't want to stop doing what he's doing in that moment, then digs his heels in.

AIBU to be pissed at DH? For caving in and giving DS what he wanted. For making it harder to mange this kind of behaviour in the future? And for not standing up for himself when trying to create time for self care?

How can we handle this better next time? I don't lose my shit every time, I'm normally a coaxer. But I'm the firm one. DH is an easy mark and DS knows this/plays on it/pushes boundaries more often with DH.

You might want to read this thread,
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3384361-Has-getting-an-ASD-diagnosis-been-good-or-bad-for-you-your-child?pg=1

As the parent of a child with hfa myself if you stop coaxing him and he genuinely loves it I would bet a pound to a penny he would soon be begging to go once he realises it’s in his control and his choice. If he knows that not taking him is on the table then there is an incentive there to get ready if he is really keen. I wouldn’t have been getting myself involved in battles over it for one week let alone a year and a half.

I imagine that knowing he can’t refuse to go and will just be dressed and taken is pretty stressful - even if he likes the activity. More so if he’s not as keen as you think and is just saying what he thinks you want to hear when you pick him up.

I think our problem as a couple is that DH believes our DS is perfect (which he is) and to parent him using autism strategies means labelling him and putting him in a box as not normal.

This is really common. It think it can happen because one parent sees the child behaving exactly as they did as a child and to allow that to be 'labelled' as autistic behaviour would, by default, be allowing themselves to be labelled too.

It took me six months to even allow the word 'autism' to pass my lips when DD1 was first assessed. Now I realise that it's just a way to describe her in the same way as her intelligence or her hair colour and she's still perfect too . Given time, information and contact with other people with ASD, dealing with this will feel a lot more manageable.

When you both feel able to think about requesting an assessment, be warned that it will probably be a long drawn out process with some bumps along the way. Even if you come to the view that he definitely requires a diagnosis, you may find that professionals disagree, school is unsupportive, family may disagree and criticise you and the process has very long periods where nothing is happening.

Read lots. Tony Attwood writes a lot about Aspergers. I have found him helpful, others don't like him so much.

Lastly, if you realise that he is struggling with things in school but hiding that until he gets home, explain this and ask them to make adjustments. The stress involved in being in an environment that causes you distress that you can't express can be damaging in the long term.