DH just gave DS everything he wanted

[namechange4000]

Looong back story: will keep it as short as I can.

DH suffering depression for 3 yrs. changing meds at the moment, coming off one to go on another. He's finding it really hard.

DS almost 7. Shows classic signs of SPD and potential high functioning autism. When he makes up his mind about something, he stubbornly sticks to it. Forever.

DS has a hobby where he gets awards for completing levels. He's 1 move off completing a level that qualifies him to train with a new group at a higher level.

Every other week or so for the last 18 months, DS will refuse to go. We get him there through gentle coaxing, bribes and appealing to reason. Every so often I loose my shit. Sorry. Threats of punishment for refusing to get dressed etc. Threats never ever work. Gentle coaxing does.

DS refuses this morning. DH then promised DS everything he wanted to do today, even though we had started out firm. DS wants Dad to take him. I'd already promised Dad a break today and I'd take him. Very conscious of giving DH enough self care time. DH said if he took him, they'd be no time for them both to play together this afternoon, he'd have to choose. Drive to hobby or play, not both. Then DH caved in and started undressing DS like he did as a toddler, gave DS everything he wanted, and now thinks problem solved.

DS always enjoys himself once at hobby and is motivated to keep going. The refusal isn't based on refusing the hobby, more it's that he doesn't want to stop doing what he's doing in that moment, then digs his heels in.

AIBU to be pissed at DH? For caving in and giving DS what he wanted. For making it harder to mange this kind of behaviour in the future? And for not standing up for himself when trying to create time for self care?

How can we handle this better next time? I don't lose my shit every time, I'm normally a coaxer. But I'm the firm one. DH is an easy mark and DS knows this/plays on it/pushes boundaries more often with DH.

[Goldmandra]

I think our problem as a couple is that DH believes our DS is perfect (which he is) and to parent him using autism strategies means labelling him and putting him in a box as not normal.

This is really common. It think it can happen because one parent sees the child behaving exactly as they did as a child and to allow that to be 'labelled' as autistic behaviour would, by default, be allowing themselves to be labelled too.

It took me six months to even allow the word 'autism' to pass my lips when DD1 was first assessed. Now I realise that it's just a way to describe her in the same way as her intelligence or her hair colour and she's still perfect too . Given time, information and contact with other people with ASD, dealing with this will feel a lot more manageable.

When you both feel able to think about requesting an assessment, be warned that it will probably be a long drawn out process with some bumps along the way. Even if you come to the view that he definitely requires a diagnosis, you may find that professionals disagree, school is unsupportive, family may disagree and criticise you and the process has very long periods where nothing is happening.

Read lots. Tony Attwood writes a lot about Aspergers. I have found him helpful, others don't like him so much.

Lastly, if you realise that he is struggling with things in school but hiding that until he gets home, explain this and ask them to make adjustments. The stress involved in being in an environment that causes you distress that you can't express can be damaging in the long term.

[PorkFlute]

I imagine that knowing he can’t refuse to go and will just be dressed and taken is pretty stressful - even if he likes the activity. More so if he’s not as keen as you think and is just saying what he thinks you want to hear when you pick him up.

[PorkFlute]

As the parent of a child with hfa myself if you stop coaxing him and he genuinely loves it I would bet a pound to a penny he would soon be begging to go once he realises it’s in his control and his choice. If he knows that not taking him is on the table then there is an incentive there to get ready if he is really keen. I wouldn’t have been getting myself involved in battles over it for one week let alone a year and a half.

[BlankTimes]

You might want to read this thread,
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3384361-Has-getting-an-ASD-diagnosis-been-good-or-bad-for-you-your-child?pg=1

[Lougle]

That's brilliant One other observation, is that you felt your DH was doing himself a disservice by failing to protect his self-care time and giving in, but as someone who gets fatigued very easily, I was thinking that it may be that he felt that the effort he would need to make to get your DS to comply, outweighed the reward of the time he would gain when your DS went to the hobby with you. It may have been easier to 'give in' and meet your DS's needs/wants in the moment because that was a better use of his energy.

Sometimes I get into a battle with one of my Dad's and part way through I suddenly think "why am I even bothering to argue over this? I couldn't care less if she wears a jumper to school or finds out that she gets cold when she doesn't/has a few conkers in her pocket, etc." Suddenly I realise that I'm having a pointless argument because most of these things are things they can discover for themselves. I tell them my view "I think you'll get cold if you don't wear a jumper" and then shrug my shoulders and say "oh well, you'll soon find out!" Perhaps your DH just couldn't face the battle.

[BlankTimes]

to parent him using autism strategies means labelling him and putting him in a box as not normal

That's disablist and disgusting.

If you continue to try to force a child with ASD to be NT, the child will be very likely to have a breakdown.

For your son's sake, have him assessed. He's 7 now. It takes a long time and the transition to secondary school without the support assessment brings can be horrendous.

[namechange4000]

Thank you everyone. I've had a good chat with DH last night, he agrees we need to be better at transitions and is now more open to seek support for strategies with DS.

I think our problem as a couple is that DH believes our DS is perfect (which he is) and to parent him using autism strategies means labelling him and putting him in a box as not normal. His belief has been a major block in us seeking specialised support. I think after yesterday, we've taken a step in the right direction. Thank you all. xx

[HarveySchlumpfenburger]

I think there’s a tendency to forget that ‘mild’ autism can lead to big issues with seemingly simple tasks.
I know you say you have a routine sorted, but would it help having it displayed somewhere. Especially if it’s on a whiteboard where it can be changed and discussed in advance if there’s going to be a change i.e. going to GP’s on a different day. That way he’s not completely taken by surprise.

Giving an advance warning when he’s going to need to change activity is a good idea too. A 10min, 5min, 2 min warning works well for DN, but it might be different for your DC.

[ZigZagZebras]

He sounds similar to my 6 year old, she often doesn't want to go to activities which she enjoys during and after, she struggles with transitions so it's just the change of place and getting ready to go that's the issue.
One week I'd had enough and said fine don't go then, we got to 5 minutes before it started and she changed her mind and had a huge meltdown and shes been better at getting ready since most weeks.

[Goldmandra]

Having autism that is well-masked is not the same as having mild autism. The difficulties children have with transitions, anxiety, unexpected changes, sensory processing and social interaction can all look superficial but can have a profound impact on their lives in combination.

It's definitely worthwhile making contact with other parents in the same position as you. It can make a huge difference to the support your child gets and to your own well-being.

[namechange4000]

@Goldmandra thank you. I don't really tap in to ASD based support, and I really should. I suppose I see DS as 'mild' and not really entitled to support. It's days like this that make me realise how much support I'm missing out on.

This thread was very much divided, between those who get it and those who don't. I'm taking it all on board. Thank you all.

[Goldmandra]

School have said they have no concerns. He is super brilliant for them and I totally believe that they have no concerns.

This is classic for children with autism. They work really hard to fit in at school, watching others closely and copying their social skills, coping with changes to routine by holding their emotions in and then letting it out at home where they feel safe.

This forum for parents of children with ASD (diagnosed or not) has been really helpful for me.

[namechange4000]

Thanks for all the messages. I took myself off for a workout to clear my head. DH and DS back from hobby.

DS has said the day was confusing and because he'd been at grandparents house yesterday (when he normally goes to them on a Sunday) it made the day confusing. When we told him to get dressed for hobby, he didn't know it was time to do that.

So many PP's were right, this is down to transitions. Which I've never even heard of before. I'm not getting any support for GP etc. School have said they have no concerns. He is super brilliant for them and I totally believe that they have no concerns.

We do usually have quite a well planned routine. DH likes to give DS little treats outside of this routine. It literally goes wrong every time, but then DH does it again and I want to scream. We had that last night, which could also be a factor today. It sounds perfectly reasonable, watch a film and stay up later but with no stories in bed. DS always loses it when there are no stories but DH always forgets.

Anyway, thank you everyone. DS has also said he really wants to keep doing the hobby and is enjoying it. I'll just keep taking deep breaths! for everyone!

[QuackPorridgeBacon]

If it’s that much trouble I wouldn’t even bother making him go. Life’s too short. If he was enjoying it as much as you feel he does when he gets there, he’d be wanting to go. If when he realises you aren’t going to make him, he will either choose to go himself or he won’t. Doesn’t matter what he chooses but the battle will be removed. I don’t think he needs any punishment for not going though. He should get to choose things like this.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

Do you post on the SN Boards? If not, you should give it a go, the posters there are incredibly helpful.

WRT today specifically, just let it go. Yes, I’d have been pissed off (and probably not taken my own advice!) but IF I’d stopped long enough to think about it, I’d have concluded that it was best ignored. You are all struggling and sometimes the path of least resistance is best. DH is changing meds, he’s not in a great place, today isn’t the day for bad feelings over him letting DS ‘win’. Sometimes it’s OK just to get through the day with everyone being as OK as they can be.

I understand you were trying to give DH time out, but maybe him doing it his way was actually less stressful for him, and if it wasn’t, well 🤷🏻‍♀️ you can’t always help someone to help themselves.

Try to take some time out for yourself - you’re important too 🌷

[Didiplanthis]

I have a nearly 7 DS with HFA. You won't have made things worse. I agree it's about the transition but also agree with pick your battles. DS is supposedly learning and instrument. Practice was a fight. We stopped fighting. He goes to the lessons and enjoys them - He interacts with an adult and takes correction from them. That is a big plus. If he practices it's a bonus. I think it has the potential to be a great activity for him long term if he sticks with it so for now it's just taking what we can from it. He may be academically advanced and look 'normal' but emotionally he is about 3 and it's hard to remember this is the heat of the moment. I too have lost my shit. Often. I have also given in. It's about getting through the day. If you think he enjoys it and can afford it, let him go or not go as he feels. Give him the control back and it may become more apparent one way or another.

[SassitudeandSparkle]

Regardless of the reasons your DS doesn't want to go (transitions/not liking the activity) every other week is way too often to deal with this issue IMO! You need to give yourselves a break here and let him miss some and see what happens.

But if it's OK for you to coax and bribe your DS, it's OK for your DH to do the same. It's not one rule for him and one for you.

[BlankTimes]

The important thing is to unpick everything and identify what is actually underlying the behaviour and putting in support, rather than just reacting to the refusal each time it happens

Absolutely agree with @4Point2fleet That's the only way to instil better relationships all round. hard work, but worth it.

[Orchiddingme]

I get that this might be different in autism than if there is no autism, on the other hand, I think it's perfectly ok to look at whether this is just too stressful for the whole family. If your husband has depression, you are shouting/losing your cool and your son is not wanting to leave his other activities- then perhaps the cost for the family is too high, even if it is a good activity to do. I stopped my dd's piano lessons because even though she wanted to learn, her behavior deteriorated and I just couldn't take the stress myself. It's ok to do what's ok for parents, especially if the rest of the week is often demanding too.

[4point2fleet]

Also agree with PP that it may be the transition itself that is the barrier. Lots of good advice about that.

The important thing is to unpick everything and identify what is actually underlying the behaviour and putting in support, rather than just reacting to the refusal each time it happens.

[Talith]

I'd fall into the camp of ceasing this activity for him. The collateral stress is affecting you all.

[4point2fleet]

What activity is he leaving to go out to the hobby? If he's doing something 'empty but rewarding' like watching a screen, or if he's doing something that is a special interest (looking at Pokémon cards or whatever) I would try saying that those things don't happen until after the activity. Say that even if he doesn't go, that thing isn't available until the time he would get home from the activity. If he still doesn't want to go- then it is the activity rather than coming off his own agenda that he doesn't like.

If the problem is coming off his own agenda there are lots of autism specific strategies you can use for that.

Or is getting dressed a barrier? If so, could you try dealing with getting dressed much earlier, to disconnect it from leaving for the activity?

[Goldmandra]

It is probably more a case of not coping well with the transition than not wanting to stop playing. The digging his heels in is probably just a wave of anxiety caused by this. Transitions to something you want to do can be just as hard as transitions to things you don't.

See if you can find a better way to manage that transition. Get him dressed in the right clothes earlier in the day. Have an activity that naturally finishes at the right time. Maybe even plan to do something else part-way there. By breaking down the transition, you may make the whole thing easier for all of you.

Try not to think of this as bed behaviour that you need to control. He's trying to find ways to make it feel more manageable. He may well struggle to understand and predict his own emotions and will find it hard to imagine feeling OK once he's there, even though that happens every time.

If he's struggling with a transition and someone undressing him like they would a toddler helps, is that really a problem? Autism is often as much a delay as it is a disorder. I was still helping one of my very articulate and academically able DDs to get dressed for school most mornings aged ten because it was something that help us manage a very difficult time of the day. It didn't last forever.

Do you have a visual timetable for the weekend days? If not, create one together and use it for prompts and warnings. They can really help with transitions.

Please don't stop the activity. The success he experiences there could be crucial in maintaining his self-esteem if he's struggling in other ways. Keep supporting him and looking for ways to keep the whole family well emotionally.

[VillageCats]

I have a son with autism. Not wanting to go somewhere is not about genuinely not wanting to participate it's about how hard the transition is. Getting out the door is absolutely murderous. You need help with transitions. Have a look around for transition strategies for kids with autism. Moving from one task to another or one location to another can be really really hard.

We never allow screentime on a morning when I know we are going out because he gets to absorbed and makes the transition harder. Also, try a visual timetable so he can see what's coming next and can physically remove the picture of what's already been done like breakfast. Get him up and dressed in the same order every single day whether or not it's the weekend. If he is HFa this will help tremendously while he's still young. Any change, like lounging around for a bit in PJs could make it much harder because it's out of routine.

[MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday]

My advice would be go in the SN board and ask for advice on how to handle a child on the spectrum that doesn’t want to stop what he is doing.
I’m assuming it’s up have the same issues with school too. And other events where he needs to get ready but doesn’t want to stop what he is doing

What worked for us is PLENTY of warning that in 15mins, we are going, then 10, then 5 etc...
A schedule and routine that is very strict even for the weekend. And a routine that is explained before hand.
And ALWAYS the same way to handle it/prepare him. (One thing that dc never dealt with well was to have a routine or tell him he was going to do xxx in the day and then change the plans.)

Also have a look at what you do during the school week and how to handle it. This will give you some ideas on how to deal with it.

Fwiw, I dint think you have made things worse by giving in. Ime that’s not how ASD children work.
And dealing with him as if he was immature theosectrum isn’t going to do him any harms if he isn’t