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AIBU?

In thinking Father in Law is out of order?

64 replies

glagdy · 06/10/2018 16:06

So it's not so much an 'am I being unreasonable' as an 'is he being unreasonable?'.

Mil and fil have been happily (so we thought) married for over 40 years.

Fil has seemed very very unhappy lately, DH and I had put that down to the fact that he works long hours, 6 or 7 days a week. In a very physically demanding job.

He recently was the focus of an article in a magazine and an old friend (female) contacted him off the back of it. They've been writing letters.

This week he's announced he's going off for the weekend to help her pack away her camp for the winter. Without mil.

This may not seem strange to some but in the 8 years I've known them, I've not known them to do a trip more than go to the local store without each other. Whenever they go 'in to town' (we live very very remotely) they go together.

So we (me, Dh and sil) all thought it was odd.

Dh speaks to his Mum today and she's really upset. She'd told him she didn't feel comfortable with him going without her.

I'm sure there will be different schools of thought on this, as someone who is still very good friends with an ex and still sees them I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. But I see this ex WITH Dh, our ds and his wife and dc. I think Dh would have a dim view of me buffering off for a weekend alone with him.

And really, if mil didn't want him to go, it's really a bit shit of him to go ahead and leave her upset right?

Sil has gone nuclear and gotten fully involved (also unsurprisingly making it all about her and shrieking about it will impact her if they divorce Hmm).

Would all of you be ok with your significant others doing this? Or are we all being a little pearl clutchy?

I'm not getting involved, neither is Dh really, he's just gone over so mil can have a good cry.

I feel like if I told Dh I had an issue with him going off to spend a weekend alone with another woman and he went, I'd be seriously questioning our relationship. Or am i not being a 'cool wife'?

Much as I find my mil hard to deal with, (she's the one that refused to help me or have ds when I had a burst ovarian cyst a couple of years back I posted about) I do feel sorry for her, it's blindsided her I think!

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maxthemartian · 06/10/2018 16:08

Oh he'll no I would not be okay with this at all. Totally out of order of him.

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glagdy · 06/10/2018 16:10

I'm not saying it but for people that never go anywhere separately to suddenly do this when one is so upset it could actually spell that something is really wrong.

Now I'm thinking maybe the fact that he works 7 days a week is that he wants to be away from her. (Which I understand as she's difficult to live with.)

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glagdy · 06/10/2018 16:38

Turns out he's been emailing her for over a year every day. He's spending a lot of time on his computer and when mil has asked to see he's refused.

He says nothing psychical is going on so it's ok. I've introduced Dh to the term 'emotional affair'. Sad

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glagdy · 06/10/2018 17:44

Anyone? Fil is adamant this is normal and mil is being ott and ridiculous.

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HollowTalk · 06/10/2018 17:49

Yes, well, your FIL wouldn't be saying that if his wife was emailing someone every day then went off to spend a weekend with him!

It was an emotional affair. I reckon by now it's no longer that. Your poor MIL.

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HollowTalk · 06/10/2018 17:49

Can she get into the emails.

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HollowTalk · 06/10/2018 17:50

Sorry, that was a question!

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GreenMeerkat · 06/10/2018 17:51

Yes he is BU!!

He is going to visit another woman for the weekend and not taking his wife, despite his wife being upset. That is not at all okay.

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SleepingStandingUp · 06/10/2018 17:55

Def try and access the emails.

It wasn't physic because he was at work or with MIL. Now they're alone all weekend, having spilled their innermosts.

I really doubt he's keeping his penis to himself

Poor MIL :(

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glagdy · 06/10/2018 18:03

I don't think she wants to look at the emails.

She even asked if she could meet her and he said no. I feel bad for Dh. They were so close and he really respected his Dad. He's not saying so but I can tell he's shaken.

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kaitlinktm · 06/10/2018 18:07

he even asked if she could meet her and he said no.

Surely he can see that this is dodgy though?

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glagdy · 06/10/2018 18:11

I can't imagine he really thinks it's ok.

And the quick closing of the laptop when she walks in the room. He knows there's something to hide.

She's coming over for dinner tonight. She says she still loves him but I don't see how they can come back from this!

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stellabird · 06/10/2018 18:15

If he has been emailing the OW for a year he is having an affair. Emotional, whatever. This weekend away may well be the beginning of the end for this marriage. If MIL Is difficult to live with, there is your answer. MIL will need some support with it all hits the fan.

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SomeKnobend · 06/10/2018 18:15

If my h went I'd be changing the locks before he got back. Of course it's not ok.

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stellabird · 06/10/2018 18:16

MIL definitely shouldn't look at the emails.

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SleepWarrior · 06/10/2018 18:27

He's being a shit and he knows it.

He won't admit he is because that would mean having to do the right thing and cancel the weekend away, stop contact etc, and he just doesn't want to make that sacrifice. Pure mean selfishness. Poor MIL.

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glagdy · 06/10/2018 18:30

Yes I don't think she needs to look at the emails.

He's refused to do anything with Dh or sil or the kids for a year now. He's literally not done any fun thing with anyone at all in over a year. I think that's part of what's so awful, he's always been too busy. Now he fucks off to help someone he hasn't seen in 40 years?!

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MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 06/10/2018 18:31

My parents are like your PIL. Never kne wo the other, esp now that they are retired.
If my dad was going away in his own like this, leaving my mother upset and crying, I wouod be wondering what the heck is going on.
I wouod also have a word with him because he wouod be behaving like a twat tbh.

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Betsy86 · 06/10/2018 18:36

Sounds as though hes been trying to detach himself from the family abit over the past year.
Maybe it helps him to feel less wrong about what hes doing But either way it does sound like he is up to no good :(
I

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glagdy · 06/10/2018 18:37

DH is now talking about how we'll help mil.

A very big part of me is HmmAngry. I said a few years back she'd better call on sil if she needed help in the future and not us.

I was lying on the floor thinking I might be dying I was in so much pain. I managed to crawl to the phone and call Dh (he was away) and ask his Mum to come watch ds while I got an ambulance. She refused. Then the next day she refused to watch ds while I went to hospital for an vaginal ultrasound because she wanted to go shopping. Dh has a short bloody memory. I do understand it's his Mum though, I've forgiven my own Mum for worse!

And then last year I broke my foot and Dh had to take weeks off work to look after ds. We're self employed so it hit us really hard. She lives next door and was too busy helping sil with her kids (neither sil or her Dh work,) so they could have time together as a couple without the kids.

I feel for her but don't feel like I want to jump to help her with stuff if I'm being really honest.

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glagdy · 06/10/2018 18:39

DH initially wanted to call him and tell him to get his ass back here and save his marriage.

But she quite rightly said she wanted him to come back for her, not because he'd been yelled at.

And that if he doesn't want to be with her and isn't happy she'd rather he just left.

She's certainly not doing the pick me dance, maybe wisdom does come with age.

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BringMeTea · 06/10/2018 18:41

Tbh she sounds like a right cow. I would just sit back and see what happens OP. I definitely would NOT be on board with the old 'what can we do to help mil' shizzle.

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TemptressofWaikiki · 06/10/2018 18:46

Personally, given all the back story, I'd say fuck her and fuck FIL. Don't get involved and don't rally round her. She does not deserve that from you after her appalling behaviour towards you. And if/once FIL does leave her, do not suddenly feel obliged to console her. Make sure that you focus on your own family and relationship. I think people who let down others should not expect loads of support from them all of a sudden.

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glagdy · 06/10/2018 18:48

Don't get me wrong, I hate mil bashing and have tried incredibly hard to get close to her but she really treats us appallingly.

I don't really care but I've posted before about how it breaks my heart that she treats sil and her kids so differently to Dh and ds.

She gave sil a £35,000 piece of land for her birthday (after paying to have her house built so they wouldn't have a mortgage) and Dh got a fucking jumper. I just can't fathom not treating my kids equally.

And don't get me started about how much time she spends with sil's kids compared to ds. DS is nearly 5 now and has started to notice. His special chair that used to be his (at pil) is now his cousins. All of the toys at the pil, a lot of which were bought before sil's kids were even born are referred to as 'the girl's toys.'

Stupid stuff like ds will draw a picture and it'll go on the fridge with his cousins. But it's always gone by the next time we're there and the fridge is covered in sil's kid's picture. It makes ds sad now he's noticing and that makes my blood boil.

Maybe fil sees some of this too, who knows.

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glagdy · 06/10/2018 18:51

It's so so obvious she prefers sil to DH. They've even said when the kids were young, fil would play, Bath and put Dh to bed and sil would do everything with mil.

Which made me sad but now ds is brought in to it I find it hard to ignore. My family all live in the UK so it's literally the only family ds has.

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