In thinking Father in Law is out of order?

[glagdy]

So it's not so much an 'am I being unreasonable' as an 'is he being unreasonable?'.

Mil and fil have been happily (so we thought) married for over 40 years.

Fil has seemed very very unhappy lately, DH and I had put that down to the fact that he works long hours, 6 or 7 days a week. In a very physically demanding job.

He recently was the focus of an article in a magazine and an old friend (female) contacted him off the back of it. They've been writing letters.

This week he's announced he's going off for the weekend to help her pack away her camp for the winter. Without mil.

This may not seem strange to some but in the 8 years I've known them, I've not known them to do a trip more than go to the local store without each other. Whenever they go 'in to town' (we live very very remotely) they go together.

So we (me, Dh and sil) all thought it was odd.

Dh speaks to his Mum today and she's really upset. She'd told him she didn't feel comfortable with him going without her.

I'm sure there will be different schools of thought on this, as someone who is still very good friends with an ex and still sees them I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. But I see this ex WITH Dh, our ds and his wife and dc. I think Dh would have a dim view of me buffering off for a weekend alone with him.

And really, if mil didn't want him to go, it's really a bit shit of him to go ahead and leave her upset right?

Sil has gone nuclear and gotten fully involved (also unsurprisingly making it all about her and shrieking about it will impact her if they divorce ).

Would all of you be ok with your significant others doing this? Or are we all being a little pearl clutchy?

I'm not getting involved, neither is Dh really, he's just gone over so mil can have a good cry.

I feel like if I told Dh I had an issue with him going off to spend a weekend alone with another woman and he went, I'd be seriously questioning our relationship. Or am i not being a 'cool wife'?

Much as I find my mil hard to deal with, (she's the one that refused to help me or have ds when I had a burst ovarian cyst a couple of years back I posted about) I do feel sorry for her, it's blindsided her I think!

[DamsonWhine]

glagdy are you the poster who lives on an island? If so I remember some of the back story. Give your DH support, he will need it. As for your PIL well meh. You (they) reap what you sow.

[glagdy]

@DamsonWhine yes that's me. I'll fully support Dh but they've both neglected ds (and Dh) so much thinking about it more I'm giving less of a shit about hem and more about DH.

He's being weird and quiet. The person he held in the highest regard and hero worshiped has fallen in his estimation. I can remember when I realised my Mum was actually quite a nasty piece of work and it's a defining moment in someone's life. (Or at least it was in mine.)

[timeisnotaline]

I agree it’s shit for your mil but also karmic. You are only there to support your dh, with 2 caveats. You can only support to the extent you are able, and with the backstory moving her in etc is clearly out! And supporting your dh means stopping him from giving more than he can in the hope of winning her favour for once- acrossthepond makes a very good point there.

[Olderbyaminute]

I also have a MIL who spends far more time with her Daughter,SIL and children than her son and DIL(me) or other DIL but I am not complaining-the worse she did was to arrive to “help us” with our 6-year Old after major surgery who was supposed to be in ICU for a couple days a couple days on ward them home with casts from waist down but she was gone before he was transferred from ICU because her daughter and SIL only had one working vehicle and “She was worried about the kids” before she left she wouldn’t shut up about her worries for them so I lost it and snapped “I couldn’t care less about two adults with normal healthy children they’re hardly without friends and alternate transportation while my son lays here in ICU!” She left a short while later but I didn’t give a fuck she is a piece of work and I don’t know how she justified that stunt one of many over the years. I feel for you OP hang in there

[PeachyKeenJellymonster]

Crap op sounds like hell. Hope it all works out

[bowdownbeforelokitty]

She and your SIL sound like a horrid women and he is most likely glad to see the back them both. The EA is a cowards way, but maybe it was the push he needed to remove himself from his marriage. Your DH has never really figured highly in the family dynamics from what you say so your FIL either hopes he will cope with the divorce upheaval with your help or simply sees it as part of the inevitable fall-out.

Sounds Like he has long since disengaged and your MIL's introspection as to the state of her marriage seems too much like a "death-bed conversion" rather than real soul searching. Seems like MIL & SIL were quite happy with the family inequality and disfunctionality until it seemed to effect them. Can't say I'd be as cold hearted as to cheer DFIL on, but I wouldn't be wasting too much sympathy on MIL & SIL id save that for yourself, DH & DC as I'm sure you will be "relied on" when they require it.

[bowdownbeforelokitty]

She and your SIL sound like a horrid women and he is most likely glad to see the back them both. The EA is a cowards way, but maybe it was the push he needed to remove himself from his marriage. Your DH has never really figured highly in the family dynamics from what you say so your FIL either hopes he will cope with the divorce upheaval with your help or simply sees it as part of the inevitable fall-out.

Sounds Like he has long since disengaged and your MIL's introspection as to the state of her marriage seems too much like a "death-bed conversion" rather than real soul searching. Seems like MIL & SIL were quite happy with the family inequality and disfunctionality until it seemed to effect them. Can't say I'd be as cold hearted as to cheer DFIL on, but I wouldn't be wasting too much sympathy on MIL & SIL id save that for yourself, DH & DC as I'm sure you will be "relied on" when they require it.

[MrsStrowman]

Not your circus, not your monkeys. After the way she's treated you and your family you're a saint to still have any empathy for her.

[ohfourfoxache]

What fil has done isn’t right. It isn’t right at all.

But after 40 years I’d be ready to stick her under the patio.

Fil has essentially been a liar and a coward and if he was unhappy he should have done something about it. But your mil is an absolute bitch and now that’s come back to bite her on the arse.

[SpoonBlender]

I'd be glad to be shot of the lot of them in your situation, tbh. Sounds like MIL, PIL and SIL are all worth ignoring forever, let them have their own dramas without you.

[OliviaStabler]

Sounds to me like he checked out of the relationship a year ago. This woman getting in touch has given him the out he needed especially in light of his friends divorcing. He might see this as his final chance to break free and get some happiness.

It is crap but all you can do is support your DH and watch to see how it plays out.

[glagdy]

She's had a long talk on the phone this morning and he's said he's sorry he upset her. So all is well in her mind. He's still staying for another night though so clearly not that sorry.

Whatever. I'll carry on keeping my distance.

[RandomMess]

She's delusional but yep not your circus!

[SpoonBlender]

Give your DH a hug, his world is a bit shattered. And then jointly step away from them all!