In thinking Father in Law is out of order?

[glagdy]

So it's not so much an 'am I being unreasonable' as an 'is he being unreasonable?'.

Mil and fil have been happily (so we thought) married for over 40 years.

Fil has seemed very very unhappy lately, DH and I had put that down to the fact that he works long hours, 6 or 7 days a week. In a very physically demanding job.

He recently was the focus of an article in a magazine and an old friend (female) contacted him off the back of it. They've been writing letters.

This week he's announced he's going off for the weekend to help her pack away her camp for the winter. Without mil.

This may not seem strange to some but in the 8 years I've known them, I've not known them to do a trip more than go to the local store without each other. Whenever they go 'in to town' (we live very very remotely) they go together.

So we (me, Dh and sil) all thought it was odd.

Dh speaks to his Mum today and she's really upset. She'd told him she didn't feel comfortable with him going without her.

I'm sure there will be different schools of thought on this, as someone who is still very good friends with an ex and still sees them I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. But I see this ex WITH Dh, our ds and his wife and dc. I think Dh would have a dim view of me buffering off for a weekend alone with him.

And really, if mil didn't want him to go, it's really a bit shit of him to go ahead and leave her upset right?

Sil has gone nuclear and gotten fully involved (also unsurprisingly making it all about her and shrieking about it will impact her if they divorce ).

Would all of you be ok with your significant others doing this? Or are we all being a little pearl clutchy?

I'm not getting involved, neither is Dh really, he's just gone over so mil can have a good cry.

I feel like if I told Dh I had an issue with him going off to spend a weekend alone with another woman and he went, I'd be seriously questioning our relationship. Or am i not being a 'cool wife'?

Much as I find my mil hard to deal with, (she's the one that refused to help me or have ds when I had a burst ovarian cyst a couple of years back I posted about) I do feel sorry for her, it's blindsided her I think!

Well, then why even worry about if FIL is BU? She is being a cuntywanker and Karma is catching up with her. Let SIL and her brood comfort her.

Whatever is the back story it’s still your DH mum and dad. He must be finding this very upsetting and it’s your DH that needs your support.

I can't help feeling bad for her though. Even though she's been a twat to me. And dh.

My parents split when I was very young and I remember it being incredibly traumatic but not sure how it will be a for a near 40 year old Dh. It must rock you to have what you thought was stable parents suddenly not be?

Sil actually stands to spilt the marriage apart by going batshit crazy I think.

Yes @Observatorycrest that's who I'm mostly worried about. He seems pretty she'll shocked by it all, he's always had his Father on such a high pedestal, he adores him.

Shell shocked. Bloody phone.

I'm going to sound like a dick for saying this but... karma. She sounds like a very selfish, self absorbed and mean woman. People like that get what they deserve. Maybe he has had enough of it.

Be careful or DH will have MiL moving in!

It's pretty obvious that (consciously or unconsciously) he's seeing this as his 'main chance' to be number 1 (over SiL) with her by swooping in and either solving the marital crisis or 'rescuing' her from unhappiness. You're going to have to keep a very close eye on this!

Yes, your FIL is out of order.

If it were an old friend they both knew, who'd been around for years it would be a totally different scenario. But this is something he's keeping secret from all of you.

I remember you from other threads. I'm sorry, but this is going to be hard for all of you, with no escape from all the people taking sides and gossiping. for you.

Fuck my fucking life. I hadn't even thought of that. He does appear pretty happy that he's the one she's been talking to about it and has rushed off to take her out for an afternoon trip.

I can totally get that given he's always been firmly 2nd best this must feel really good to him.

Bless him.

A tiny part of me squeaked 'karma' and then I felt terrible.

If she moved in with us I'd leave. She can be extremely kind and giving but she can also say things like 'it's no surprise you can't have another child as you're probably too old' after we'd suffered from 3 years of secondary infertility then just had a miscarriage.

I'm in a similar situation @glagdy as my inlaws are splitting after 40 years. PM me if you want some moral support. At least in my case there's no SIL and actually MIL has become absolutely lovely since splitting so there's a silver lining.

Nah she'll move in with SIL and try to leach money off your DH...

@KickAssAngel yes. And even if she was the worst person in the world (which she isn't) if he wasn't happy he should have sorted it or left. Not snuck around behind her back and left her knowing she feels strongly against it. Nobody deserves that.

Two wrong don't make a right in my book.

@Mehaveit thank you! It's not something Dh or I ever saw on the radar! They had a big 40th anniversary party just a couple of years ago!

She'll have a job trying to leach money off us. We're skint. And sil is living in a teeny tiny house, can't see her moving in there, in fact, sil, her husband and the two girls are in pil's house every day taking baths, doing laundry, getting water for their house, using internet, having space for more toys for the girls.

I know this has put a huge strain on pil's relationship. Sil and her Dh fight a lot. Sil screams at her Dh and her Mother for the tiniest little thing. Until 8 months ago they all lived in pil's house. Mil was cooking, cleaning and doing laundry for the four of them since they got married and then had the kids!

We thought that's why fil was working so much, because at nearly 70 who would want an arguing couple and two kids under the age of two in their house when they don't even wash up their own dishes or clean the shower when they've used it?!

Stay out of it other than to support DH.

We none of us know what goes on in someone else’s marriage, and while I am definitely not saying that having an affair is in any way ok or even that because MIL has been a cow in the past she’s getting what she deserves, the reality is that by the time people have been married for 40 years and more, it’s not unheard of for them to have been unhappy for years and to have never left. And they are of a generation where leaving wasn’t considered to be as easy or as acceptable as it is now, so it’s very possible that they’ve not been happy for a while and that this has been on the cards.

My parents are still happily married after 47 years together, but I know my grandparents weren’t, my eXH’s grandparents weren’t, I have aunts and uncles who aren’t. And none of them are specifically unhappy, they have largely reached points in their lives where married is just something they are rather than because they are happy, and can’t imagine their lives any other way now.

If MIL has said that she wants him to come back to her for her then clearly she’s not afraid of the marriage ending, and chances are this wasn’t a happy marriage and hasn’t been for a while.

But they’re older and things will be what they are.

But it’s not for either DH or for SIL to start telling their parents how to live their lives.

glagdy the whole situation sounds truly dreadful. My Mother is the most selfish woman I know but I wouldn't have wished this situation on her. All relationships are different and my mum and dad did absolutely everything together, she relied on him for everything. If he had suddenly started emailing another woman every night and took off for a weekend leaving my mum in tears it wouldn't have been down to Karma...its because he is an asshole and had his head turned...40yrs with her DH and he treats her like this... really feel for her and your DH

Stay out of it. Karma is catching up with the bitch, but it will catch up with the fil too. Her bitchiness doesn't give him the right to cheat, and let's face it he is. It's only a matter of time until he walks away from her.

Their best friends got divorced this year after the same amount of time together. I'm wondering if that's been a kick up the arse for them?

Honestly, I think they'll both be happier. She never does anything fun and recently hasn't done a single thing with the family as he's always too tired.

And he's been so unhappy too, clearly now it wasn't just overwork.

She said she'd love him to just sit with her for 5 minutes and talk to her but he doesn't want to. She's been a thundercunt to me in the last but that still made me feel for her.

I'll support Dh and encourage him to try to stay unbiased?

I'd stay out of it.
Be there as a shoulder to cry on but direct her to her daughter who she favours for the big stuff.
I think this is going to end in them divorcing and if you are not keen on MIL now, then it will get worse if she's staying with you.
When you DH thinks about inviting her to stay - remind him of the jumper vs land and how ill you were and she did nothing.

FIL is an arse but sounds like MIL is not a prize either..

Surprise surprise she's not coming here for dinner anymore as sil wanted to go over to hers and have mil cook them dinner.

As sil's kids are both ill and I don't want ds to get it I guess that rules us out.

Honestly, I wish the whole family would just fuck off to the far side of fuck sometime, I think Dh would feel happier in the long run!

Personally I think FIL has seen the light - she sounds like a right controlling madam

It sounds chokingly suffocating OP. And they’re all next door too? You poor thing.

I think MIL and SIL were the push and OW the pull...

@UnderMajorDomoMinor yes they are. It's been hard, especially as I have no family in this country. I've come to love my friends as family!

I would stay out of the rights & wrongs of the marriage - who knows what's been going on over the years - and who needs to? FIL may not be behaving well now but he may have been a saint to have put up with MIL for so long. You will never really know.

I would say you should be prepared to offer her exactly as much practical & emotional support as she has seen fit to offer you in the past!