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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stay on my sofa while all hell breaks loose?

58 replies

Flyingpompom · 06/10/2018 13:32

I genuinely don't know whether MN will call me a selfish cow or agree with me.

I have been through a hideous few weeks due to a family crisis. It's been heartbreaking and very hard work. I've had to support some close family members through some awful stuff which is still ongoing (and will be for some time) as well as being pretty devastated myself by the news. I've kept going...work, kids, house, constantly having family members over for food or going to support them at their homes, one of which is an hour away.

This weekend I know they're ok without me, and after taking DC to activities this morning I have changed back into my PJs and planted myself on the sofa, fully intending to remain here until this evening.

Instead I've just had a phone call from MIL, upset as an incredible amount of shit is happening now on their side. To cut a long story short, DH's sister is being evicted and his brother's wife has walked out on him. MIL is struggling, she's looking after the small children while the eviction is happening and is desperately worried about BIL.

WIBU to say that as I can be of no practical help, I'm staying here. I've spoken to other SIL whose partner is going with his van to help the couple being evicted.

My DH is going to see upset BIL when he gets back (he's out with our other DC) and give him a hand with the kids/house etc.

Normally I'd be there to help MIL with the toddlers, make tea and dry tears. But I've been doing that for weeks now for my family. I really don't think I can take any more.

I'm at the point where I think I'm becoming ill with stress...I've had days of constant crying over nothing, and I'm utterly exhausted.

WIBU to stay here and use the tiny amount of energy I have left to look after my own children? I'm more than happy for DH to spend as much time with his brother as he feels he needs to. I'll happily help on a more practical level later in the week, and i can offer tea and sympathy to MIL tomorrow. But as for today, I really feel like I have nothing left to give.

So give it to me straight...must I get my game face on and get over there?

OP posts:

ToucanPlayAtThatGame · 06/10/2018 13:36

Nope, stay in your pjs, drink tea and watch crap tv/nap/read whatever makes you happy.
You need to recharge and give yourself some time to chill out and not be constantly worrying about everyone else.
Do not feel guilty

Imfinehowareyou · 06/10/2018 13:37

You have my permission to stay put.

Squidgee · 06/10/2018 13:37

no, your MIL can cope. You take the time you need.

You'll be no good to anyone if you're in hospital from making yourself sick passed the breaking point.

LoudestRoar · 06/10/2018 13:37

You're no good to anyone if you aren't 100%, physically and mentally. Take time over this weekend to rest and have some time for yourself

Pinkgeorge · 06/10/2018 13:38

I think you need to look after you, you need the energy to help your family in the coming weeks. If you end up ill due to the stress you won’t be able to help anyone

abbsisspartacus · 06/10/2018 13:38

Tell her your sick (sick of dealing with everything)

RedLife · 06/10/2018 13:39

Don't move. Everyone needs a break and after the last few weeks you especially need a break.

IdaDown · 06/10/2018 13:40

Does your MiL think you should be the one (as a woman) to help out?

Does your MiL know you’ve got a tonne of shit to deal with on your side of the family?

Stay on the sofa and look after yourself.

Inexperiencedandperplexed · 06/10/2018 13:40

Thing is, I couldn’t actually relax and enjoy myself knowing that so many people in her family weee going through such shit, especially my MIL (and the children she’s looking after if she’s highly stressed and presumably no spring chicken).

So I’d haul ass and go there myself to help out

Bobbybear10 · 06/10/2018 13:40

Stay where you are and try to recharge a little.

Tomorrow is another day and you can help with comfort, tea and sympathy or more practical help once you are feeling less grotty yourself.

AuntBeastie · 06/10/2018 13:40

You have to put on your own oxygen mask before helping anybody else with theirs. You need time to recharge. You will be much more help in the long term if you take this time for yourself now.

LegalEagle99 · 06/10/2018 13:41

You will be no good to anyone if you become unwell and you have children of your own that need their Mum. On top of that don't forget that you matter too. You are only human and not a never ending source of comfort to all, you need to re-energise.
I would take the entire weekend if I was you and then hit the ground running on Monday. Listen to your body, it will tell you and show that you need to stop and just 'be.'

I hope things improve for you.

coconutpie · 06/10/2018 13:41

Stay on the sofa. Do not move. MIL's family drama is not your problem to resolve.

Inexperiencedandperplexed · 06/10/2018 13:41

@idadown

Glossing over My DH is going to see upset BIL when he gets back (he's out with our other DC) and give him a hand with the kids/house etc.

Singlenotsingle · 06/10/2018 13:41

Apart from moral support, what can you do if you go? Your copious tears won't help anyone, and your own children need you too.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 06/10/2018 13:42

Definitely stay put on that sofa.
You need energy or you're no use to anyone.

Duskqueen · 06/10/2018 13:42

Stay where you are and look after yourself and your child.

JammyGeorge · 06/10/2018 13:42

Stay on the sofa.

Glumglowworm · 06/10/2018 13:42

You’re no good to anyone if you run yourself into the ground

They will cope without you, your presence won’t change the shiftiness of what is happening.

The kids are safe and being looked after, other people are doing practical things with vans.

YANBU to stay home and look after yourself

LuggsaysNotaWomen · 06/10/2018 13:49

You cannot pour from an empty cup.

Your MIL will cope for the day. Her own son is stepping in to help and they'll all get through it together. When you are recharged you can offer support but your priority is yourself and your children. This is not selfishness, it is common sense. Broken people cannot help fix other broken people.

Spotify · 06/10/2018 13:51

Hi OP. Stay there. You need it. You need to let go. I had a similar situation with an addict brother. I tried so hard but in the end it was making me depressed and I had my own three young children. Your own health is the most important issue for you and your child right now.

arranfan · 06/10/2018 13:52

A while ago a poster said something that resonated with me:

You don't have to rescue people in order for them to recover.

Stay on your couch.

arranfan · 06/10/2018 13:55

It was MrsTerryPratchett - inspirational story and such a sensible summary:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a3316705-to-hope-that-DS-late-20s-will-want-finally-to-get-off-the-streets#79698675

Fridaydreamer · 06/10/2018 14:03

Stay where you are.

If you tip over the edge because of stress you’re no help and will add to the problems.

Take a day. Rest. Relax. Recharge.
You’ll be weller for it and therefore more able to help when it’s really needed.

PolkaDoting · 06/10/2018 14:03

Nobody likes a martyr.

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