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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay on my sofa while all hell breaks loose?

58 replies

Flyingpompom · 06/10/2018 13:32

I genuinely don't know whether MN will call me a selfish cow or agree with me.

I have been through a hideous few weeks due to a family crisis. It's been heartbreaking and very hard work. I've had to support some close family members through some awful stuff which is still ongoing (and will be for some time) as well as being pretty devastated myself by the news. I've kept going...work, kids, house, constantly having family members over for food or going to support them at their homes, one of which is an hour away.

This weekend I know they're ok without me, and after taking DC to activities this morning I have changed back into my PJs and planted myself on the sofa, fully intending to remain here until this evening.

Instead I've just had a phone call from MIL, upset as an incredible amount of shit is happening now on their side. To cut a long story short, DH's sister is being evicted and his brother's wife has walked out on him. MIL is struggling, she's looking after the small children while the eviction is happening and is desperately worried about BIL.

WIBU to say that as I can be of no practical help, I'm staying here. I've spoken to other SIL whose partner is going with his van to help the couple being evicted.

My DH is going to see upset BIL when he gets back (he's out with our other DC) and give him a hand with the kids/house etc.

Normally I'd be there to help MIL with the toddlers, make tea and dry tears. But I've been doing that for weeks now for my family. I really don't think I can take any more.

I'm at the point where I think I'm becoming ill with stress...I've had days of constant crying over nothing, and I'm utterly exhausted.

WIBU to stay here and use the tiny amount of energy I have left to look after my own children? I'm more than happy for DH to spend as much time with his brother as he feels he needs to. I'll happily help on a more practical level later in the week, and i can offer tea and sympathy to MIL tomorrow. But as for today, I really feel like I have nothing left to give.

So give it to me straight...must I get my game face on and get over there?

OP posts:
SpitefulMidLifeAnimal · 06/10/2018 14:06

Maybe you do feel like you should go and help - if you are asking us for reassurance then it must be playing on your mind. You're already poorly though aren't you. If you start feeling worse, then DH will have to take over at home and won't be able to help out elsewhere. So the ILs would have even less help. So no, YANBU. I would go so far as to say that Mumsnet ORDERS you to stay at home, you'll be neither use nor ornament otherwise Brew

AnnieAnoniMouse · 06/10/2018 14:06

Oh you poor thing 🌷

Personally, I would feel better for going. I would feel too awful staying home and wouldn’t get anything out if it, because I’d feel I was letting DH, MIL & everyone else down. So I’d just go. I’d promise myself I wouldn’t stay late, I’d bring my kids (& cousins?) home at tea time, get takeaway and have an early night (after wine & chocolate). I also wouldn’t make plans, unless absolutely necessary, for tomorrow morning.

It never rains, but pours hey x

In the longer term, you’re going to have to make sure you look after yourself in amongst all of this or you’ll definitely end up too unwell to help any of them. Take care.

(Oh and just because that’s what I’d do, doesn’t mean I think you have to!)

FrogFairy · 06/10/2018 14:07

Up to now you have had to be strong for everyone else but you have hit a wall and need to recover.

It sounds like there are plenty of people helping so you rest up and take care of yourself.

buckingfrolicks · 06/10/2018 14:07

I'll write you a note to take in :)

timeisnotaline · 06/10/2018 14:11

I agree absolutely with the gist - say you’re unwell if you have to.
My one caveat is IF your dh has been visiting your family every night, carting furniture and I don’t know , doing a bucketload else solidly, then he might feel like you should be by his side.
If he’s been holding the fort at home with dc, then it’s your turn , to say I’ll do bath and bed, you get to your brothers. You did that for me and fairs fair.

I’m assuming he didn’t do nothing st all on either front or you’d have mentioned!

Windgate · 06/10/2018 14:18

Your self aware enough to realise you are out of empathy. Take the day out and look after yourself, tomorrow is another day.

Littletabbyocelot · 06/10/2018 14:23

Last Christmas I was at breaking point. My dad was dying and we were all desperately trying to figure out what to do. I took a day off work as a mental health break and ended up spending it running round trying to help mother in law and family with a crisis. For a couple of weeks I was constantly on one crisis or another. I ended up snapping and now refuse to speak to part of Mils family.

You can't pour from an empty cup.

Original poster
Flyingpompom · 06/10/2018 14:29

Thanks so much for replies. DH has been my rock, holding the fort here while I've been here there and everywhere supporting others.

He's heading over to his mum now, she's his priority I think. Other BIL and SIL are taking sad BIL and his kids out for a bit so they can distract the kids and have a chat with sad BIL through the day.

Evicted couple have friends supporting them. DH will help MIL with little ones and then we'll see how we can help further tomorrow.

My teens are heading out with friends, so I just have my little DD and we're going to watch films and snuggle.

I'll cook tea and possibly end up being taxi for teens as it might be dark once they're heading home. But I can do that in my PJs with no mental effort.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 06/10/2018 14:35

Glad you've taken the decision to stay put.
You clearly need a break - it's very hard work helping people through their crises, even if it's not as hard as the ones going through it (and it sounds like you're emotionally affected by it too anyway).

As they say in the safety films on the plane - put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others - if you have no strength to help yourself, you have none for anyone else either, so recruit your strength now while you have the chance, so you can still be there another time for others.

Thanks and Wine for you - seems like you need it with all the family dramas and crises going on, for both you and your DH :(

WaxOnFeckOff · 06/10/2018 14:37

I'd go tbh as I couldn't enjoy the short respite anyway as I'd be feeling guilty. 4 hands are better than two and maybe with your help both you and MIL can sit down with a cup of tea for a bit. Sorry you are going through all this :(

WaxOnFeckOff · 06/10/2018 14:38

Ah just read your update - that seems great, everyone is sorted now and you can chill with your little one.

Nightwatch999 · 06/10/2018 14:39

Stay at home OP, keep your PJ's on, turn off your phone and chill. Let your family get on with it. In fact close your curtains, lock your door and turn on the TV and enjoy your day.

Snowymountainsalways · 06/10/2018 14:41

You are order by MN to stay exactly where you are. Let them deal with it. Heading/already having a burnout is no joke.

Order pizza and put on a film and fake ill if you have to

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 06/10/2018 14:45

Self care is so underrated. I've been moving house for 3 days at the tail end of a horrible divorce. I am on my phone, tea by my side stretched out on my sofa. I feel no guilt and neither should you OP.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 06/10/2018 14:46

Yep a big stay at home from me too.

You know the saying ‘You can’t pour from an empty glass’

Time to refill your glass and then you might be able help (very likely by supporting your DH the way he supported you when you were out and about helping your side of the family)

Fwiw I would let DH go out and help his mum and siblings. He is just as able as you to do it. It will be less stressful for you and you will be able to return the favour of helping him and support him by looking after the dcs whiostnhe is out and about.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 06/10/2018 14:48

You're already poorly though aren't you. If you start feeling worse, then DH will have to take over at home and won't be able to help out elsewhere.

This ^^ When someone's exhausted, their immune system is also affected so you'll end up physically ill if you don't take a break to recharge. So glad you're doing it, you'll feel better tomorrow. Your DH sounds lovely as well. Smile.

Original poster
Flyingpompom · 06/10/2018 15:01

My DH truly is wonderful. no-one is expecting me to help because I'm a woman or anything like that...we don't really have that in our family. The men are all just as capable of cooking/cleaning/minding babies etc.

MIL does know I'm dealing with a lot. She rang looking for DH, as he wasn't answering his phone. She can be hard work at times, but she's a lovely lady. She runs round after others and forgets to take care of herself. I don't want to get into that pattern. (None of that running round us for us btw...DH is the eldest and considered self-sufficient!)

OP posts:
CharlotteWebb · 06/10/2018 15:05

Aw how stressful. NO you need a break too, hope you are back in your PJ's!

Chocolateandcarbs · 06/10/2018 15:18

Urgh, that’s difficult for everyone concerned. I think it is perfectly reasonable for your OH to help with his family and you to look after your children. Turning up with more kids isn’t exactly going to calm the situation down. Maybe offer to do something small tomorrow or just be on the end of the phone. Hope things calm down.

timeisnotaline · 06/10/2018 15:27

and maybe with your help both you and MIL can sit down with a cup of tea for a bit.
Sitting down for a cup of tea on my own = recharge. My mil is lovely but sitting down for a cup of tea with her is not mentally recharging, it’s spending time with her.

Original poster
Flyingpompom · 06/10/2018 16:16

Just had a text from DH. He's had a cuppa with MIL, played with the toddlers, scooped up Dniece who adores him and headed over to help with 'the move'. Grown ups involved in the eviction have calmed down (there was major drama earlier, understandable but distressing for little ones) Now the kids are pottering about 'helping' and think that staying with granny is a big adventure.

My DD has been on YouTube for far too long but she's happy as Larry as I don't usually allow it. I am watching Netflix under a blanket.

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 06/10/2018 16:41

My mil is lovely but sitting down for a cup of tea with her is not mentally recharging, it’s spending time with her. Not everyone has the same relationships and you make it sound as if spending time with her is bad thing... :(

FreedomFighter11 · 06/10/2018 16:45

Sounds like you’re doing exactly the right thing OP.

ContessasGulagSpaDay · 06/10/2018 16:47

When a person is constantly demanding your attention/emotional input they are not relaxing to be around, WaxOn - I have this with my step-MIL. She's a lovely woman but I do have to mentally gear up before going to see her and I am very grateful for the first half hour of blissful silence in the car just after we've left....

timeisnotaline · 06/10/2018 17:18

waxon - many people need time on their own to recharge. It’s completely different from not enjoying other people’s company.