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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To bin DD's crap?

59 replies

UnderTheTree · 06/10/2018 08:47

DD is entering her second year of University (away from home), and she's still got this crap sitting in the garage (I really want to make some more space)

There is all this shit that she accumulated though Secondary School, various school books (nothing sentimental, just year 11 geography text book etc), various jellewery type boxes, weird stuff picked up on holiday, LOTS of stationary (there must be like 10 pencil cases), kids chapter books, old hockey sticks, piles of CDs / DVDs and there's still a few toys out there amongst other stuff.

There there is this bloody mini type (kids design - bright colours etc) book shelf that my SIL (who's NC now) made for her nearly 20 years ago that she refuses to let me get rid of. I wouldn't say its hideous, however its faded and I don't exactly have any use for it.

I'm just sick of looking at the boxes. I don't mind keeping a couple of small boxes of sentimental things (first books at school, favourite dolls, school photos etc) but not a pencil case she used in 2012.

I've asked to sort through some of it over the summer but she never got round to it.

Did you clear away you all your kids stuff when they left home? Or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Lynne1Cat · 06/10/2018 08:51

all her "crap" and "shit" probably has sentimental value to her, although obviously not to you. She probably sees your house as a family home, to which she can return.

Yes, you are being unreasonable. Can't you wait until she sees you next, and then ask her what she wants to keep?

AdoreTheBeach · 06/10/2018 08:54

You’re not unreasonable to want rid of this stuff. But I don’t agree with just binning someone else's belongings. I’d ask her to come home one weekend (set a mutually convenient date) solely to sort it out or a date that’s one week after term ends in December. Advise her if not done by that date, THEN you’ll be sorting it out. Then stick to your guns.

Frazzled2207 · 06/10/2018 08:57

Ywbu just to get rid of it. You need to give her an ultimatum to sort it/take it with her by x date.
Try and compromise a bit though, is there space for one big box in your loft?

Can see that if in the garage it'll be in the way so something needs to happen.

MrsMozart · 06/10/2018 08:58

You can't just bin it. It's not yours.

Maybe put all in her room so at Christmas she has to sort it.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 06/10/2018 09:00

Assuming that she still has a bedroom in your house, just stick everything in there

WeeDangerousSpike · 06/10/2018 09:03

My parents didn't get rid of my stuff at any point. It mostly ended up in the loft over several house moves once I had left school/college.
It went into my loft when I moved out permenantly.
I only sorted it out this year and threw out lots of it - but not all of it! I'm 34.

You don't know which bits are important to her and which aren't - if you throw it out I guarantee she will be really upset.

nowifi · 06/10/2018 09:07

This made me laugh as my parents still have loads of my stuff in their shed and I'm in my early 30s! I've got rid of most of it now but they never threw it away bless them!

SendintheArdwolves · 06/10/2018 09:07

You sound really scathing about your daughters possessions - to you, they are "crap", "shit", "this bloody shelf unit, etc.

I can see that you would like more space (so as PPs have said, get your daughter to trim it down) but I don't understand the anger and contempt that fills your post.

The kindest explanation I can think of is that you miss your daughter and are still adjusting to her leaving home. This angry rejection of anything nostalgic from her childhood is a defence mechanism. I only say this because anger and actively pushing me away was how my mother "dealt with" her feelings about my brother and I leaving home at eighteen. It took me about ten years to work out why she had been so harsh though. Up till then, I just assumed she didn't like me very much.

nowifi · 06/10/2018 09:07

*Not loads now actually just a few boxes left!

MrsTommyBanks · 06/10/2018 09:09

All three of mine have left home and the loft is full of their stuff.
I keep asking them to take it as I'm downsizing. They are yet to do anything about it. I wouldn't throw it away.
I might get a storage unit and send them the bill!

Original poster

UnderTheTree · 06/10/2018 09:15

Ok I'm fed up because I nagged her to sort it out in the summer when she was home and it's still sitting out there.

I get I might have over-reacted with the book shelf. But some of it is crap (sorry to blunt), scratched CDs, pencil cases covered in sharpie etc, all of which has sat out there for years so it cannot be that sentimental.

OP posts:

Di11y · 06/10/2018 09:15

Assuming she's back at Christmas I'd suck it up til then but separate it out or put it in her room and make it clear you'll do a ruthless sort out if she doesn't.

PixieCutRegret · 06/10/2018 09:16

I feel a bit sorry for your DD to be honest. If she is at uni she is presumably moving each year so she hasn't got a permenant home with space to move any stuff she wants to keep. My mother did this to me while I was at uni and I got rid of stuff that I would like to have now I am set up. It also made me feel very insecure, like she wanted all trace of me removed from the home.
It's only a couple more years, if she refuses to move it once she has a permenant home, then that's different.

BIgBagofJelly · 06/10/2018 09:18

YWBVU to just bin it yes. If you desperately need more space just wait until she's next home and say she can have this corner of the garage to store her things and she can decide what she keeps in that area and must find another home for the rest of the stuff.

AJPTaylor · 06/10/2018 09:20

During dds uni years i gradually threw stuff away. She finished uni and we sold the house and moved. Told both dds that we would house 4 decent sized boxes of stuff they wanted to keep but couldnt find room for(both living in digs). I thought that was reasonable. Some of it is childhood books/toys etc but not my business if it fits in the 4 boxes

BIgBagofJelly · 06/10/2018 09:20

But some of it is crap (sorry to blunt), scratched CDs, pencil cases covered in sharpie etc, all of which has sat out there for years so it cannot be that sentimental.

That sounds like sentimental stuff to me, I wish I had some of the silly stuff like that from school. I'm not going to get it out all the time to look at but it's nice to have.

SLL · 06/10/2018 09:21

YABU.

My Stepmum did what you are contemplating with my stuff. Didn't give me a chance to come and move it though, just chucked it all on a bonfire. She said that since it was stored in the cellar (I didn't know it had been moved from a cupboard in the spare room to the cellar), it was all mouldy and rotten. She didn't even tell me until months later what she had done. She had obviously been through it though and taken some stuff she fancied as over the years things have appeared that were mine, so it clearly wasn't all ruined. Some of that "crap" and "shit" meant a lot to me and twenty-odd years later I am still bitter...

IdblowJonSnow · 06/10/2018 09:25

Op I think you're getting a hard time here! But Yes, give her one more opportunity to sort it and then do it yourself if she doesn't. I have to stealth sort my kids rooms as they hoard and like to keep bits of screwed up paper and old socks!

Broken11Girl · 06/10/2018 09:28

Aw don't do it. I have very little 'crap' ie memories, meaning, a past, as we moved around a lot so I felt I had no right to keep stuff as it would be more to move. She's still young, at uni age they need to feel they still have a family home to return to. I wish I still did. I was constantly nagged to 'clear out' my 'crap' and still feel I have no right to things and cycle between hoarding and getting rid of everything then wishing I'd kept some things.
You should really wait until she's settled down in a permanent home, yes it may be 10 years. I'm afraid you made a commitment by having kids. You can go minimalist once they're established adults, if she was 30 I'd understand.

Pemba · 06/10/2018 09:31

That's pretty mean of you I have to say. Give your daughter a chance, she is sti at uni FGS! There are middle aged people with their own homes who still have childhood stuff left at their parents' houses.

GrumpyOlderBloke · 06/10/2018 09:34

I have 2 complete cars 'stored' on behalf of offspring. One has been there 15 years.

My shed has a dozen or so apple boxes full of bicycle, motor cycle and car parts that are nothing to do with me.

There is a complete engine lurking in the corner of my garage that isn't mine.

The loft is full of their school and hobby 'treasure'.

My wife has neatly labelled boxes up there as well - 'Clothes 3-18 months', 'Books 1-3' etc.

My father-in-law has 'treasure' belonging to his son in his loft and garage.
His son is 60 next birthday.

It's called being a parent.

But it is neatly labelled and tidily stored - not dumped.

Original poster

UnderTheTree · 06/10/2018 09:35

10 years?! Maybe I am a cold hearted person but I never realised people could get so sentimental over DVDs, year 9 exercise books and the like.

And maybe times have changed, from memory when I moved out 30 years ago, I took what wanted.

I mean at least she could sort out what she does and doesn't want. What she does want I am more than happy to keep until she at least finishes Uni but stuff sitting out there for the sake of it...

OP posts:

cl61reb · 06/10/2018 09:38

Repack them properly throwing out the real rubbish that won't be missed then Stack it neatly so you have the space.

At Christmas tell her she takes what she wants and the rest goes to the tip. Be clear and firm! On her last day tell her ur taking it to the tip, load it into your car and do it.

If she stops you, she keeps it, if she doesn't, it's gone!!!

thereareflowersinmygarden · 06/10/2018 09:40

If you're that desperate you could put it in storage and send her the bill?

Stompythedinosaur · 06/10/2018 09:40

I don't think people are really moved out while they are at uni, is she not still at home for quite a bit of the year?

I think it is fair enough to ask her to consolidate her stuff and just to keep the sentimental stuff when she is next home, but not to chuck her stuff out while she is away.

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