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AIBU?

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Original poster

To bin DD's crap?

59 replies

UnderTheTree · 06/10/2018 08:47

DD is entering her second year of University (away from home), and she's still got this crap sitting in the garage (I really want to make some more space)

There is all this shit that she accumulated though Secondary School, various school books (nothing sentimental, just year 11 geography text book etc), various jellewery type boxes, weird stuff picked up on holiday, LOTS of stationary (there must be like 10 pencil cases), kids chapter books, old hockey sticks, piles of CDs / DVDs and there's still a few toys out there amongst other stuff.

There there is this bloody mini type (kids design - bright colours etc) book shelf that my SIL (who's NC now) made for her nearly 20 years ago that she refuses to let me get rid of. I wouldn't say its hideous, however its faded and I don't exactly have any use for it.

I'm just sick of looking at the boxes. I don't mind keeping a couple of small boxes of sentimental things (first books at school, favourite dolls, school photos etc) but not a pencil case she used in 2012.

I've asked to sort through some of it over the summer but she never got round to it.

Did you clear away you all your kids stuff when they left home? Or am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 06/10/2018 09:41

Could you return the text books to the school as they usually want them back.

HellaFresh · 06/10/2018 09:41

Wow! My mum gave me mine when I left home but she kept some for sentimental value.
I don’t believe you have to keep it, but all that crap turned her into the person she is today, it does mean something

ASauvignonADay · 06/10/2018 09:41

Ask her to sort through it when she is next home

burblife · 06/10/2018 09:48

My mum did that and I'm still angry about it now, 15 years on. It contributed to me no longer feeling like I had a family home to go back to. In her eyes, I was 18 and had moved out so it was her house now. She's still young and needs your support.

Give her more time to sort it and explain to her exactly why you don't want it taking up so much space.

smerlin · 06/10/2018 09:50

Agreed- uni is more like being away at boarding school in a strange way. Not at all like a permanent move out for most people.

My Dh's parents were like this with his stuff. Nagging and nagging about it. To be honest it came across as really churlish, particularly as, even after we moved in together, we were living in 1 bed rented flats while they had an empty enormous house, double garage, loft etc etc.

They also turned his bedroom into the guest room while he was at uni.

Attitudes like this can affect parent-child relationships for many years.

GreyHare · 06/10/2018 10:02

SLL and burblife I feel your pain, my Mum did this too me, I wasn't at uni but was staying/living with my boyfriend at his parents and my Mum took it upon herself to clear everything out of my bedroom, all my clothes, shoes and nicknacks and assorted crap that we have in our early twenties and threw the lot away, I'm mid 40's now and still feel the rage if it ever gets mentioned, so OP please don't throw her stuff out.

WeaselsRising · 06/10/2018 10:03

That would be really mean. We desperately need space but are storing stuff for 4 DC in their late 20s/early 30s because they don't have permanent housing.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 06/10/2018 10:17

Please don't throw any of her things out without checking with her. Give her an ultimatum by all means, but I think it's U to expect her to get rid of so much that probably has memories. We still have quite a lot of dds' things, and they're way older than your dd. Although they've long moved out, and have their own homes, as far as we're concerned this is still their home, too.

Dh was v upset at over 30 after his DM saw fit to get rid of his beloved Dinky Toy collection. And I was ditto after my mother got rid of a lot of my books, one of which was very old and (I thought) irreplaceable, but decades later my lovely dh found an exact copy on abebooks.

MereDintofPandiculation · 06/10/2018 10:21

all of which has sat out there for years so it cannot be that sentimental. Of course it can. I have my wedding mementos from nearly 40 years ago, and I looked at them a few weeks ago for the first time in 30 years. But I know they're there. And I know where my hornby train set is. I haven't looked at that in years either.

loubluee · 06/10/2018 10:23

I think it must be a girl thing because I held onto years of crap. Yet I have 18 and 14 year old boys and each time I sort out and say ‘can I throw this?’ They look at me stupid and say ‘of course why would I want it?’. That being said I must sort the 8 boxes under my bed that haven’t been touched since I moved. I’m guessing if I haven’t looked at it once in four years I don’t need it!!

ToadOfSadness · 06/10/2018 10:25

My mother went through my things and sold the good ones, didn't tell me, which left me looking for them after she died and left me with a house full of her stuff to sort out. Other things she gave away. Left me with some of my things but a lot of the ones I wanted were gone. I wasn't given the chance to decide.

Polite people said she was 'protective', the truth was she was controlling, and the result was that I got away as soon as I was able to, and she even tried to stop me doing that in her own sneaky way.

Don't get rid of her things, it hurts.

gunnergirl · 06/10/2018 10:25

lool I'm 49 and my parents house still has my stuff there from a child

BarbarianMum · 06/10/2018 10:29

Do you need that corner of the garage OP? Do you have plans for the space? If not, you might want to have a think about exactly what the problem os here. It's almost certainly something to do w you, not your daughter (I'd say dd only she doesnt sound like she is much, at the moment).

damekindness · 06/10/2018 10:30

My house is essentially a storage facility for non resident children ( if you can call 30 year olds children!) I'm currently resigned to it. Hilariously they all recommend that I downsize

SouthWestmom · 06/10/2018 10:32

Dd is 2nd year: we have slowly (every time she comes back) gone through drawers and shelves - she has rediscovered small treasures and binned loads or sent to charity etc.

Do it slowly, make it an activity together. Talk about the contents.

crimsonlake · 06/10/2018 10:32

I am surprised at you saying you cannot understand how people get so sentimental over the things they have acquired from childhood. Surely you are equally sentimental over the items and it brings back wonderful memories from when she was a child? Does she still have a bedroom at her home or have you turned it in to a study the moment she left?

Wiggler1 · 06/10/2018 10:40

My dad and stepmum did this to me, there were boxes of my things that went ‘missing’ when I moved out, despite them having a 4 bed, double garage house and me living in houseshares at the time. Among many other things it has contributed to a serious break down in our relationship. There were things in there that I wanted for my own children.

Britneysfa · 06/10/2018 10:46

Difficulty is at university etc there is limited storage. My flat mates mum did this and said basically if you want it you have to move it. Hence her trying to cram stuff in a room that only had a waldrobe and one chest of drawers to have everything she ever owned.

Equally she then had to lug this every end of year when we moved halls.

Give her time, she wont magically feel like an adult at 18 and will feel youre erasing her childhood

Nanny0gg · 06/10/2018 10:46

It's called being a parent

No it's bloody not!

I don't agree with binning stuff without her say-so, but it's very inconsiderate of offspring to dump all their things on their parents and just leave it there for years.

Obviously she's got no storage space of her own yet so she should sort down to what she really wants to keep/is useful and then it's stored very, very neatly so it doesn't get ruined or take up too much space.

ifiwasabutterfly · 06/10/2018 10:47

But some decent storage boxes and put it all in her room when she comes home for Xmas and ask her to repack the stuff she wants properly.

mothertominibeasts · 06/10/2018 10:50

My mum binned all my 'crap'.....that was 20 odd years ago and I'm gutted because in amongst that 'crap' was my whole school and teenage life.

Admittedly I should have done the decent thing and one day just gone through it sorting out the keeps from the rubbish.

I think your DD could at least do that, she will regret it otherwise like I did

thegreylady · 06/10/2018 10:50

My dc keep telling me to bin their stuff but I can’t bring myself to do it!
They are in their 40s with dc of their own.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 06/10/2018 11:02

you can guarantee that if you were downsizing she would be round there sorting it and end up chucking a lot of it out. I agree that it’s inconsiderate to think that she can just leave that type of stuff dumped there indefinitely.

I say this as someone who is in their 40s and who still has boxes of stuff in their parents’ garages from moving out in their 20s! They have never asked me to go through it but never threw anything out themselves, bless them, and over the years I’ve just forgotten it’s there. Never needed or wanted any of it.

Last year I did go through a couple of boxes and it nearly all went in the bin. Everything except photos and a maths exercise book that I took home to compare with the maths that DS was doing in school.

I am now burdened by the thought that when my parents’ house is sold that it is just more stuff lying there that i’ll Have to go through in a rush and probably bin anyway, so will make an effort to sort it all this year.

I think it’s the TYPE of stuff that OP is complaining about. OP, maybe you can sort it yourself into 2 piles, one of which is scratched CDs, old pencil cases etc and the other which is things like photos, trinkets and gig tickets. Maybe eventually she will look at the “shite” pile, bin it immediately and take the rest away?

Incidentally, I am using an old glasses case of DH’s that he had at school. The kids and I think it’s very amusing that it has “Iron Maiden” written on the inside from when DH was about 14. That type of thing is ok to keep, it is still a usable glasses case and has added value in the childhood memories!

SpoonBlender · 06/10/2018 12:32

Don't bin it. She'll hate you for it.

Pull it out of the garage and put it in her room if you need the garage space.

Inexperiencedandperplexed · 06/10/2018 12:38

Op i would bin it

My mum did exactly the same.

I said it was sentimental to me but actually it was because I couldn’t be arses to go through it. I exclaimed disappointment and was in a mood for about an hour but actually I was secretly relieved the task has been taken off my hands!!