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To feel jealous (wedding related)

153 replies

burningsage · 06/10/2018 08:47

My brother is getting married in a couple of years. I'm not particularly close to his fiancé, she is quite a bit younger than me and we don't have much in common. She's been pretty bridezilla about her wedding so far (no plus ones for single people like myself, all guests must stay at her chosen hotel, spending a ridiculous amount of money on the day paid for by loans) but that's only my opinion and each to their own.

She is choosing her wedding dress in a few months and my mum has mentioned that she's been invited to go dress shopping along with brides Mum and her 5 sisters. Obviously I'm not invited and didn't expect to be.

I've been single for years, plenty of boyfriends but not a chance I'll be getting engaged in the next decade (if ever) so I suppose it might be my Mum's only chance to do 'wedding dress shopping' but I feel really odd about it? I don't have any sisters. My mum and I haven't always seen eye to eye but she's still my Mum and although I'm not really 'into weddings' I always imagined it would be something we would do.

AIBU to be feeling weirdly jealous about this or am I being ridiculous?

(Expecting to be flamed if I am being silly by the way).

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 06/10/2018 08:51

That makes you sound like the bridezilla!

And I get so Hmm at people taking shots at the future SIL choices - which are your brother’s choices!
I think dictating where to stay is off - but that’s his choice as much as hers. No plus ones? Not a crime, budget decision - or decision that they don’t want unknowns there. Again - that’s your brother’s choice too.


Shoxfordian · 06/10/2018 08:54

You're being unreasonable.
It's actually nice of her to include your mum in wedding dress shopping, she didn't have to ask her. You could meet someone and get married still, and I'm sure your mum will go dress shopping with you too. She's not going to say no, I've already been!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/10/2018 08:55

But your mum will still go with you when you're wedding dress shopping! Did you expect her to say no to SIL?

Personally I think it's lovely she asked your mum to go along.

Solderingiron · 06/10/2018 08:55

Your are being unreasonable, it's not her fault she's getting married and it was nice of her to invite your mother dress shopping (I didn't bring my Mil). The plus one and hotel situation are annoying but have that it with your brother if you must.

Heuschrecke · 06/10/2018 08:57

Maybe your SIL2B was talking about wedding dress shopping in front of your mum who might have made a wistful remark along the lines of "the chances of me doing that with Sage seem to be diminishing as the years go by"? So SIL2B kindly offered to include her?

Alienspaceship · 06/10/2018 08:58

I understand completely how you feel.

Charlie97 · 06/10/2018 08:58

A very gentle YABU, but you're obviously upset. Honestly if and when you do go wedding dress shopping this will take nothing away from the specialness for you.

MrsStrowman · 06/10/2018 09:01

My MIL came with me as well as my mum and MOH. MIL was great really supportive and her presence stopped my mum having too much of an opinion IYSWIM. She doesn't have any daughters but I don't think it matters, it's not like your mum will say oh no I'm not coming dress shopping with you been there, done that with SIL. Will you also be jealous when they invite your mother to meet their first child etc?
This seems to be more about dissatisfaction with your own life. If you're not happy with your lot be proactive and make changes, don't project your negativity onto others.

chestylarue52 · 06/10/2018 09:01

You’re not unreasonable to feel jealous, we can’t help how we feel. You don’t sound very kind about your sil tho and I bet she can tell. Just be careful to keep your emotions in check.

GreenTulips · 06/10/2018 09:05

Not sure when this huge 'dress ahopping' thing started but it really is boring

So are ither people's wedding

I wish they set a date and shut up about it or get on with it without it taking over every conversation for 2 years


Anyway let your mum have her say I'm sure she'll need to unload at the end of it

burningsage · 06/10/2018 09:07

I haven't said anything to my mum and I wouldn't, obviously I wouldn't say anything to my SIL as I don't really talk to her anyway.

I'm only asking if I can feel a bit sad or if just need to get over myself.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 06/10/2018 09:07

Jealousy is a destructive emotion and I suspect it’s less about your mother going wedding dress shopping than about your sadness that you can’t foresee the excitement of a wedding for you.

Your making quite unkind judgements about your brothers future wife. That doesn’t make you look good. If hidden within you is a strong desire to be married and have the big white wedding, then that’s down to you and how you build relationships. It doesn’t usually ‘just happen’.

SnorkFavour · 06/10/2018 09:09

You're not being unreasonable at all but you posted on Mumsnet and you should know that almost all posters on here are sanctimonious in their perfection. They'd never feel jealousy in a situation like this, of course.

Back to the real world and real people sometimes feel jealousy over something that takes them completely by surprise. You're your mother's only daughter and so you expected that when she first shopped for wedding dresses it would be with you. You sound as if (I might be wrong) you're a little sad that it won't be you in the near future and if that's right then that would exacerbate the feeling.

Try to feel happy for your mum though as it's really sweet that the bride has invited her, the mother of the groom rarely gets to do this but be reassured that it'll never ever eclipse the thrill of shopping for YOUR dress whenever that may be. Your mum won't be feeling anywhere near the same as she would if it were you getting married, it's chalk and cheese and I say that as someone who's been through it.

So YADNBU and take criticism from the perfect un-make-jealous-ables on here with a very, very large pinch of salt 😊😃😃

Charlie97 · 06/10/2018 09:10

@burningsage feeling a bit sad is ok,but pick yourself up brush yourself down and go do something nice!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/10/2018 09:11

Are you feeling a bit down because it's not your turn?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 06/10/2018 09:12

You're your mother's only daughter and so you expected that when she first shopped for wedding dresses it would be with you

And what if the OP never gets married? It can still be a special time for both of them if and when the time comes.

CoughLaughFart · 06/10/2018 09:17

It might be the first time your mum goes wedding dress shopping, but it doesn’t have to be the last. I’m sure she’d be delighted to go with you if the opportunity does arise (and it will probably mean a damn sight more Smile).

On the wider topic, the bride and groom don’t get to dictate where guests stay unless they’re paying for your room. If you’re paying for your own room, stay where you like. My guess is she’s been offered some kind of special rate for the wedding if she can guarantee a certain amount of room bookings - therefore she’s trying to say people ‘have’ to stay there.

Beechview · 06/10/2018 09:17

Why do you say there’s no chance of you getting engaged in the next decade or so? 10 years is a long time and anything could happen.

It’s lovely that your future sil asked your mum. You don’t have to be your future sil’s best friend but she will be part of your family so, unless she’s unpleasant, it’s worth having a civil and friendly relationship with her.

You do sound unhappy and that’s fine but don’t let negativity rule you.

MsOliphant · 06/10/2018 09:17

Honestly, going wedding dress shopping with other people sounds like a pain in the fucking arse, I refused to do it as a bride and I wouldn’t do it for anyone else either.

Let me tell you about my wedding dress shopping experience

  1. I had to book and pay a £10 fee, only refundable if I bought a dress. I assume this was to wheedle out ‘time wasters’ who, inexplicably, want to try on dresses for the hell of it.

  2. I had to wade through twee ‘every princess knows when they find their gown’ crap signs all over the place

  3. I was hoping for some prosecco just to numb the experience but I wasn’t even offered water until I was near passing out due to having layers of heavy tulle hauled over my face.

  4. wedding dresses are made small, so you have to try on a dress two sizes bigger than you are and then will potentially still feel fat in it.

  5. the lady in the shop will simper and clutch her hands every time you emerge from the changing room. You will not get an objective opinion at any point.

  6. the prices will make your eyes water and the lady in the shop will offer banalities such as ‘oh but if that’s your one...that’s your one!’ As if that can magic £1850 into your bank account.

    I sacked it off, went to the pub to mull it over and ended up getting my dress at a sample sale where I was left alone to try on as I pleased.

    Honestly, it is horrific.
StealthNinjaMum · 06/10/2018 09:17

You're not being unreasonable at all as long as this is the only place you express your feelings. Try to be happy for your brother, SIL and mum (but I know it must be hard).

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 06/10/2018 09:19

Why is there no chance you’ll get engaged in the next decade? You can’t know that. You could meet someone next week and be engaged before next Christmas, it happens all the time. You’re clearly feeling low about being single and that’s ok, but you don’t need to be defeatist, you never know what’s round the corner.

I think it’s nice of SIL2Be to include your mum, though I get why you’re feeling this way. I also agree with PP that these plans are your brothers too and it’s not fair to lay it all on her.

Saltedcaramelcake · 06/10/2018 09:21

I'd say you were being ridiculous, you could meet someone next week and be married in a year. Saying you are probably never going to get married and do the dress shopping thing with your mum is just silly really.

My brother got married (twice lol) before I got married. My mum went dress shopping with my exsil and sil for their dresses, I never actually gave it a second thought. First time I was only 18 and a vv long time off getting married, I didn't care. Second time it was less than a year before my own wedding that they married (they met after we'd got engaged too!), my mum went for my sil's dress before she came shopping with me. She'd been in the dress shops and knew more about styles etc than me. I couldn't have cared less to be honest.


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lightlypoached · 06/10/2018 09:21

You're not being unreasonable, you're being emotional and that's OK. you never know what's around the corner for you so it may yet happen for you.

Why don't you make some time for you and your mum to do something special together (afternoon tea?) so that you can just chat, spend time and tell her that you love her, and hope that one day she can come wedding dress shopping with you? I bet she'd be really touched and you'll feel better too.

burningsage · 06/10/2018 09:21

My brother has told me he doesn't want a massive wedding but his fiancé isn't allowing them to scale it back. Yeah I'm annoyed at not getting a plus one as I feel like I'm being penalised for being single, and I'm not exactly a child (I'm 30 years old!) but going to be sat on the table with the children as I'm not in a pair.

OP posts:
diddl · 06/10/2018 09:23

Did you expect your mum to say no?

If you do get married you might not want your mum with you.

I've been married twice-didn't involve mymum in drress shopping either time!

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