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AIBU?

To be green with envy at people who had 'good enough' parents and didn't suffer abuse as children?

84 replies

WannaRant · 05/10/2018 13:04

Just that.

People who didn't have their souls shattered as children and were shown that they were of value, were loved and that they mattered, even if not all the time.

Its difficult, if not impossible, to try to retrain your goddamn brain from scratch as an adult and a parent, especially when your life is already stressful due to lack of support, financially due to low attainment, and emotionally due to all the trauma you've suffered.

I'd never wish my life experiences on anybody but why me?!!

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MissionItsPossible · 05/10/2018 13:06

Don’t know what to say but FlowersFlowers❤️

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WannaRant · 05/10/2018 13:15

Oh thank you Mission. There isn't much to say. Just wanna rant. So hard to change a lifetime of habitual ways of thinking about myself.

Another day wasted while I'm stuck on the sofa, not moving, sigh.

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iloveruby · 05/10/2018 13:18

YANBU - I used to wonder why I struggled with some of the most basic tasks required to be a functioning adult. Now I know why, which makes it slightly easier as I understand it is so consequence of my upbringing and not some sort of inherent character flaw.

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Mercurial123 · 05/10/2018 13:23

I was having this conversation with a friend about what it would be like having a family that actually took an interest in their children. My parents in all honesty should never had children they had zero empathy and showed no interest. I have no expectations from them it's crap but that's the way it is. I grew up feeling insecure and that I wasn't good enough. It took me until I was forty to get confidence and feel good about myself that happened after I left my mentally abusive ex and recovered from cancer. OP it is crap and sorry you had bad parents.

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Illegally18 · 05/10/2018 13:25

Best of wishes and good luck

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Dowser · 05/10/2018 13:37

Yanbu
Every child should have a lovely home where they are nurtured, cherished and cared for
I thought what I had was normal
If truth be told , I thought I was bit over protected
Older and wiser, I just feel fortunate

Try to let it go and not drag it through all your adult life if you can
It was them at faul. Not you.
Be the best version of yourself that you can be.
You were unique and special...sad they didn’t recognise that.

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WannaRant · 05/10/2018 13:37

Yes, I can't imagine what it would've been like to grow up in a family that cared about each other and with parents that showed love and encouragement, and who were loving grandparents.

I have tried to give that to my own DC but often think I didn't get it right. They give little back but that's because they are secure in that they don't need to beg for my approval I suppose.

The realisation that it wasn't my fault and there's nothing that can be done to change it makes it harder in a way.

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Mercurial123 · 05/10/2018 13:44

WannaRant you can't change your parents it's up to them. If anything pity them that they were so cold and emotionless.

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Asterado · 05/10/2018 13:47

Yes, this resonates.

It’s fucking exhausting trying to brake the cycle and be everything I wanted for myself, for my DC.

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Jagblue · 05/10/2018 13:51

I had a very thought life growing up and made terrible decisions as a teen.
I can only say to you. Change what you do. Make the best decisions you can.
We cannot control our past but we can change the way we feel about it.
I went to counselling and was very helpful.
I do still wish things had been different but wishing won't change anything.
I try to do well, be a better person and improve my chances of a good future.
If only... only fills us with longing to a life that didn't happen.
We only have today.

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redannie118 · 05/10/2018 13:54

Abusive childhood, raised in poverty with alcoholic father and mother who coukd only scream abuse at me or ignore me. Bullied constantly through school.
Went staight into 20 year abusive relationship as i was so desperate to escape self harmed- no one noticed or cared Severe PND- again no one cared.
Raised son with ASD alone as husband and family refused to help me
I now have awful health issues caused mostly by living with so much stress for so long. No money due to financial abuse. Everyone leans on me for support but is never ever there for me, and i never ask as i just get screamed down, ignored or ghosted.
I will never ever know a normal, happy life even if everything changed tomorrow.

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WannaRant · 05/10/2018 13:59

Oh I know I can't change them Mercurial nor can I make them feel anything but self preservation.

Yes, we only have today Jag and today is always the day I'm going to change my way of thinking and my life. Until I've packed everyone off for their day, then sat down and said to myself, not ready today I'll start tomorrow AngryCakeBrewBlush!

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myidentitymycrisis · 05/10/2018 14:00

yes
this resonates with me.
I feel cheated of a childhood and a decent start in life.
my adult dc have turned out ok though (I hope)and don't appear to have any neuroses.
I have just experienced a humiliating visit to hospital where i cried because of my anxiety. I'm back home now on the sofa too.
having a bad day.

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CurlyRover · 05/10/2018 14:02

YANBU. My parents really screwed me up.

They didn't even give a shite when I was taken to A&E after a work place accident and was in a very bad way.

I do think NC is best for most of us who suffered abuse / neglect but it still massively affects us doesn't it. Wish we could just flick a switch and be normal! [Flowers]

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myidentitymycrisis · 05/10/2018 14:02

I know we cannot change the past but I cannot stop feeling the pain from it.
Anxiety is crippling me.

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JamPasty · 05/10/2018 14:03

Big hugs. And you know what - it's OK to spend the day on the sofa. Get yourself a cuppa and put something nice on TV. It's OK to do little things like that for yourself.

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Lepetitpiggy · 05/10/2018 14:05

Yes yes yes. I don't have an 'abusive' childhood in the way it is meant but I suffered a lot in other ways with a very strange mother, multiple unnecessary surgical hospitalizations and no father so I have a) no idea what a normal childhood is like and b) a pang when I see well rounded normal people with their nice and ordinary parents. It's made being a mother in a happy relationship really very hard to actually 'do'.

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JamPasty · 05/10/2018 14:06

Hugs to you too myidentitymycrisis. Anxiety is a total bastard, but healthcare people will have seen it all and then some, so don't worry about crying in front of them.

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Argonauts · 05/10/2018 14:06

Sympathies, OP. Mine weren't actively abusive, but it was a miserable upbringing, as both my parents were from very impoverished and dysfunctional backgrounds, and had had absolutely no education and while they meant well, they had never themselves been properly parented, or lived the kinds of lives where they saw more functional kinds of family, so they had four children they couldn't afford and didn't know what to do with at all. What they saw as normal parenting would have been viewed by most people as neglect I spent a lot of my life trying to catch up on things other people had learned from their parents from toilet hygiene and teeth brushing to bicycle riding, literacy (neither parent was fully literate) and basic manners.

Which I realise is not your situation, but I suppose what I'm saying is that sometimes even the ones who aren't actually abusive give unforgivably sub-standard childhoods that take a lot of recovering from. Having my own child has made me think about it often.

Best wishes.

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myidentitymycrisis · 05/10/2018 14:10

thanks Jam
Support from the internet is strangely accessible to me today
Sorry your having a hard time Wanna

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stellabird · 05/10/2018 14:10

I felt like that about my mother, until I met her sister for the first time and found out that my mother had been horribly abused as a child. It sort of helped me to understand why she was like she was with us kids. I worked out that she had just played the hand of cards that she'd been dealt, and that she couldn't help how she was.

I'm not saying that your situation is / was the same, but sometimes we don't know the full story of why things happened in the past. Best wishes to you xxx

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Areyoufree · 05/10/2018 14:18

I don't know. When I see friends with well-meaning, but intrusive and overly-critical parents, being NC sometimes feels like the easier option! I don't hate my parents for what they did (although haven't yet managed to access my anger about that. I sense it is in there somewhere), but I feel angry that they made me feel that it was all me. I also feel sorry for them though - I can't quite comprehend how they could have children, and not enjoy the nurturing aspect of it. Don't get me wrong, my kids can wind me up like nothing else, but I love the feeling I get when I see them safe, content, and happy. When they instinctively come to me for love and comfort, and I am able to provide it. To have children, but not feel that seems pretty awful to me.

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TwinMummy30 · 05/10/2018 14:27

Me too OP. I have zero confidence, awkward socially, suffer from anxiety, the list could go on. The worst thing is they don’t want to know how much they’ve damaged us.
Sending you Flowers

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WannaRant · 05/10/2018 14:31

No I do pity my mother (not so much my father as he walked away to bring up someone else's kids who seem to idolise himHmm) in amongst all the hatred and anger. I understand why she's like she is but then again I suffered horrendous abuse of every kind and was very anxious that my own DC never went through anything like that so it's still hard to get my head around it.

I know I don't need to though. She doesn't deserve it.

As Myidentity states, no amount of understanding, trying to let go or counselling gets rid of the pain. It's insidious. Anxiety has stopped me from living a 'normal' life too.

I've researched the effect childhood abuse and neglect has on the developing brain and the effects are lifelong it seems. I'm just basically dragging myself through life and it's not bloody fair .

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Jagblue · 05/10/2018 14:35

WannaRant I understand the feeling. When something can't be changed feels very deflating.
I cannot tell you how much I'll like to have a do over but even if I were to born again I don't know if it would be better.
Counselling did wonders for me as I was stuck. My trauma was frozen in time.
My counsellor help me understand why I was stuck. I felt so injured and so hurt by it all.
I do have some amazing people in my life and I feel that I'm worthy of their love. I give a lot of love to those around me. I want to feel positive about the present and the future.
Honestly to give is a very enriching experience. I've made the decision to be happy despite my past and my mistakes.
I hope you can do the same.

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