Don’t know what to say but ❤️

YANBU - I used to wonder why I struggled with some of the most basic tasks required to be a functioning adult. Now I know why, which makes it slightly easier as I understand it is so consequence of my upbringing and not some sort of inherent character flaw.

I was having this conversation with a friend about what it would be like having a family that actually took an interest in their children. My parents in all honesty should never had children they had zero empathy and showed no interest. I have no expectations from them it's crap but that's the way it is. I grew up feeling insecure and that I wasn't good enough. It took me until I was forty to get confidence and feel good about myself that happened after I left my mentally abusive ex and recovered from cancer. OP it is crap and sorry you had bad parents.

Best of wishes and good luck

Yanbu
Every child should have a lovely home where they are nurtured, cherished and cared for
I thought what I had was normal
If truth be told , I thought I was bit over protected
Older and wiser, I just feel fortunate

Try to let it go and not drag it through all your adult life if you can
It was them at faul. Not you.
Be the best version of yourself that you can be.
You were unique and special...sad they didn’t recognise that.

WannaRant you can't change your parents it's up to them. If anything pity them that they were so cold and emotionless.

Yes, this resonates.

It’s fucking exhausting trying to brake the cycle and be everything I wanted for myself, for my DC.

I had a very thought life growing up and made terrible decisions as a teen.
I can only say to you. Change what you do. Make the best decisions you can.
We cannot control our past but we can change the way we feel about it.
I went to counselling and was very helpful.
I do still wish things had been different but wishing won't change anything.
I try to do well, be a better person and improve my chances of a good future.
If only... only fills us with longing to a life that didn't happen.
We only have today.

Abusive childhood, raised in poverty with alcoholic father and mother who coukd only scream abuse at me or ignore me. Bullied constantly through school.
Went staight into 20 year abusive relationship as i was so desperate to escape self harmed- no one noticed or cared Severe PND- again no one cared.
Raised son with ASD alone as husband and family refused to help me
I now have awful health issues caused mostly by living with so much stress for so long. No money due to financial abuse. Everyone leans on me for support but is never ever there for me, and i never ask as i just get screamed down, ignored or ghosted.
I will never ever know a normal, happy life even if everything changed tomorrow.

yes
this resonates with me.
I feel cheated of a childhood and a decent start in life.
my adult dc have turned out ok though (I hope)and don't appear to have any neuroses.
I have just experienced a humiliating visit to hospital where i cried because of my anxiety. I'm back home now on the sofa too.
having a bad day.

YANBU. My parents really screwed me up.

They didn't even give a shite when I was taken to A&E after a work place accident and was in a very bad way.

I do think NC is best for most of us who suffered abuse / neglect but it still massively affects us doesn't it. Wish we could just flick a switch and be normal! [Flowers]

I know we cannot change the past but I cannot stop feeling the pain from it.
Anxiety is crippling me.

Big hugs. And you know what - it's OK to spend the day on the sofa. Get yourself a cuppa and put something nice on TV. It's OK to do little things like that for yourself.

Yes yes yes. I don't have an 'abusive' childhood in the way it is meant but I suffered a lot in other ways with a very strange mother, multiple unnecessary surgical hospitalizations and no father so I have a) no idea what a normal childhood is like and b) a pang when I see well rounded normal people with their nice and ordinary parents. It's made being a mother in a happy relationship really very hard to actually 'do'.

Hugs to you too myidentitymycrisis. Anxiety is a total bastard, but healthcare people will have seen it all and then some, so don't worry about crying in front of them.

Sympathies, OP. Mine weren't actively abusive, but it was a miserable upbringing, as both my parents were from very impoverished and dysfunctional backgrounds, and had had absolutely no education and while they meant well, they had never themselves been properly parented, or lived the kinds of lives where they saw more functional kinds of family, so they had four children they couldn't afford and didn't know what to do with at all. What they saw as normal parenting would have been viewed by most people as neglect I spent a lot of my life trying to catch up on things other people had learned from their parents from toilet hygiene and teeth brushing to bicycle riding, literacy (neither parent was fully literate) and basic manners.

Which I realise is not your situation, but I suppose what I'm saying is that sometimes even the ones who aren't actually abusive give unforgivably sub-standard childhoods that take a lot of recovering from. Having my own child has made me think about it often.

Best wishes.

thanks Jam
Support from the internet is strangely accessible to me today
Sorry your having a hard time Wanna

I felt like that about my mother, until I met her sister for the first time and found out that my mother had been horribly abused as a child. It sort of helped me to understand why she was like she was with us kids. I worked out that she had just played the hand of cards that she'd been dealt, and that she couldn't help how she was.

I'm not saying that your situation is / was the same, but sometimes we don't know the full story of why things happened in the past. Best wishes to you xxx

I don't know. When I see friends with well-meaning, but intrusive and overly-critical parents, being NC sometimes feels like the easier option! I don't hate my parents for what they did (although haven't yet managed to access my anger about that. I sense it is in there somewhere), but I feel angry that they made me feel that it was all me. I also feel sorry for them though - I can't quite comprehend how they could have children, and not enjoy the nurturing aspect of it. Don't get me wrong, my kids can wind me up like nothing else, but I love the feeling I get when I see them safe, content, and happy. When they instinctively come to me for love and comfort, and I am able to provide it. To have children, but not feel that seems pretty awful to me.

Me too OP. I have zero confidence, awkward socially, suffer from anxiety, the list could go on. The worst thing is they don’t want to know how much they’ve damaged us.
Sending you

WannaRant I understand the feeling. When something can't be changed feels very deflating.
I cannot tell you how much I'll like to have a do over but even if I were to born again I don't know if it would be better.
Counselling did wonders for me as I was stuck. My trauma was frozen in time.
My counsellor help me understand why I was stuck. I felt so injured and so hurt by it all.
I do have some amazing people in my life and I feel that I'm worthy of their love. I give a lot of love to those around me. I want to feel positive about the present and the future.
Honestly to give is a very enriching experience. I've made the decision to be happy despite my past and my mistakes.
I hope you can do the same.