To be green with envy at people who had 'good enough' parents and didn't suffer abuse as children?

[WannaRant]

Just that.

People who didn't have their souls shattered as children and were shown that they were of value, were loved and that they mattered, even if not all the time.

Its difficult, if not impossible, to try to retrain your goddamn brain from scratch as an adult and a parent, especially when your life is already stressful due to lack of support, financially due to low attainment, and emotionally due to all the trauma you've suffered.

I'd never wish my life experiences on anybody but why me?!!

Thank you oprah for this message. You are a

I get this so much. I try not to resent my friends and family who did grow up with good, stable homes because they didn't ask for their lot any more than I did, but it's hard when they tell me I need to move on because A) they have no fucking idea how hard that is because you haven't been fucked up systematically since you were born and B) they fucking watched it happen and did nothing, they have no right to tell me how to feel about it. My mother was abused too, but that doesn't make anything easier and, if anything her and everyone around her using it as an excuse makes me so much angrier.
I'm pretty resigned to the fact that the damage she did will be too early to ever properly fix, but it doesn't make things easier.

I totally, totally get it OP. I’m left with awful anxiety problems and I often find myself thinking, ‘what must it be like not to feel terrified all the time?’

The thing I crave and envy the most in other people is normality. Average-ness almost. But I feel like I’ll never be able to have it, because I’ll never be normal.

Gosh I empathise so much with what you say OP. It does make everything so much harder because there are so many things that we just haven’t been taught: from practical skills, to self care, to self regulation, to conflict resolution, to assertiveness, to natural social interaction, to facing the world with confidence...the list goes on. And it’s easy to be hard on ourselves and say, why can’t we just be effortless at this stuff like others? But really, like learning a language or to drive or most skills it’s much harder when you’re older and much easier when it’s just modelled for you by everyone around you when you’re a child.

And I think that’s why we can feel so exhausted all the time with the effort of teaching ourselves new things and acting to cover up the gaps we haven’t yet filled.

Like pickupthephone I crave being normal. But I think with me there’s something that’s a bit ‘off’ that people tune into and recoil from, although I do have some lovely friends but few people I can really get close to. I look at old film of me as a very young child and I was natural and happy and full of fun. So I do feel it was something done to me rather than something innate.

What pp’s have said about being compared to other children unfavourably constantly, the old clothes they put me in when they had money to go down the pub (a school peer once said I looked like a jumble sale outside school - the shame), the screaming at me when things were going badly in their life and they needed a punchbag, the complete lack of interest in my schooling, my hobbies, my successes and failures. All of these things eroded my sense of self and my confidence. Tons of therapy have helped hugely. But I still doubt I’ll ever quite feel normal...

And thanks Oprah

I’m sorry, I’m going to go off on a tirade, but YANBU,
I often ponder on the fact that my childhood left me broken at a time I should’ve been full of hope and excitement about what my life could have turned into. I wasn’t given the tools to make good choices for myself so for a few years I made shit decisions of my own. I whole lay blame my childhood for the mental health issues I now have, I’ve suffered with depression and anxiety and I’ve recently been diagnosed with OCD with the same symptoms I’ve had since I was about 18, that’s been caused by trying to escape the childhood I had myself.

Somehow I don’t think I will ever escape the shame of being who I am and often find myself shaking my head at some people thinking they’ve been given a shitty hand in life when it’s all their own doing, when i Had the start in life I did. I struggle to look back on anything fondly from my childhood. I feel incredibly hurt that at the time there were so many signs that something was off, but only once was my mum ever reported to SS.

Sorry you went through tough times too. I remember just wanting to be a child who was patently cared for. I wanted clean clothes that fitted.

We can spend a lifetime trying to forget a few minutes from an uncaring childhood.

Now let us raise children from now on, who will never have to recover from their childhoods.

And to those who have had to go No Contact through no fault of their own, remember this.
Not everyone you lose is a loss.🌸🌼🌻🌹🌺

Currently lying in bed fighting suicidal thoughts after texting the samaritans (( text service no longer exists. )) and a phonecall isnt possible because dp will hear and my secret will be out. I honestly wish I had never been born.

Yanbu. [Flowers]

It helps I think to hear I am not alone in this so thanks for this thread op
For me I was over 40 and had made utterly life-ruining mistakes in my personal life before the earth-shattering moment of clarity that it was not me who had been at fault all along but my parents.
Five years on and excerpts from my childhood are still dawning on me regularly like slaps in the face. I am a work in progress too late in the game. I have no idea where to position myself. Love to everyone feeling the same x

This is a really sad thread. to everyone.

babyshark could starting your own thread help?

Babyshark please get some help. You shouldn’t have to fight suicidal thoughts you should be suported to get through it. Why can you not tell your partner. There is no shame in depression.

You are not being unreasonable. It's bloody exhausting. The most exhausting thing is realising that you have to tread the same old water fday in day out just to stop from going under, let alone to actually get anywhere.

Some stuff that helps:
Learn to acknowledge what you do well by giving yourself a small sign of praise. If you are nice to your DC where your own parents would have ignored or critised say 'well-done' under your breath to yourself. If you keep hold of your anger instead of exploding over insignificant stuff, give yourself a proper reward - a cup of tea at very least, or a bunch of daffs or a nice smelling soap.

Every time you do anything that demands more confidence or bravery than you feel, have a little thumbs up to yourself, or pat on the back or victory dance. Sounds really stupid, but it actually works, neurally. there's been lots of work on it. Look up books by the McGonigal Sisters - Superbetter by Jane McGonigal and The Willpower Instinct by her twin sister Kelly. They're not about surviving shitty chlldhoods, but they do help you undo patterns of behaviour that feel impossible to shift, because they take them right back to the tiniest little neural tweaks. (They're both scientists but the books are asy to read.)

Baby shark ate my hamster
How are you doing now? I know how overwhelming it can all be please let us know how you are !!

I'm fine, it's been an ongoing battle with my MH. I'm generally quite good at managing myself and can feel when im slipping so.will put things in place, i'll increase activity and keep myself busy. Things seem to have taken a massive slump over the last year or so, I seem to have fallen into a pit I cant get out lf this time. I've put on a disgusting amount of weight (( at least 6 stone ))

I know what I need to do, it's just doing it. I think im going to start with a doctors appointment amd write things down as these are words i've never spoke before and don't know where to start. I know once that first hurdle is taken things can only improve. They arent going to go away, I know that.

Good luck babyshark The doctors is a good place to start.

💐💐 YANBU op

Thank you for starting this thread OP, I'm so sorry you've suffered and are still suffering but my goodness the relief to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

My parents are alive and I see them now and then (we are not close at all and have little emotional connection), but still I feel I am grieving the loss of the parents I should of have, that I deserved. That any child deserves.

I hate myself for how bitter I can feel at times at the head start other people got in getting proper unconditional love from the people who are supposed to give it.

While I have many things going for me and have had lots of therapy, the self-hatred, doubt, anxiety and patterns of destructiveness that are the result of my abusive childhood are still there lurking.

At the moment I too am constantly struggling to do anything constructive with my day, even though I have lots to do. Everything is an effort. I'm not even particularly depressed. But when you have to motivate yourself (I am self-employed and work from home), it ca ben really hard to do this when your core thoughts are that you aren't worth bothering about or motivating.

So sad to read others' stories here. Not having had emotionally supportive parents is such a loss, it's no wonder we feel it so deeply.

'We cannot control our past but we can change the way we feel about it.
I went to counselling and was very helpful. '

This, it works, please seek help via GP or a community counselling service. x

Thank you for starting the thread OP, we all realise we are not alone.

I can relate to so.much written here.
Does anybody else dread to think that reincarnation is real but we come back as the same person and relive the abuse ober again?

@redannie118

I hear you OP. People who haven’t suffered just don’t understand and I offen see ‘you can’t keep blaming your childhood’ for, example, low attainment / anxiety / poor coping skills etc etc. What people fail to get is that while we can try to improve, the brain of a child is like an unprogrammed computer. Childhood experiences hardwire your brain and however well you ‘over ride’ these things later in life you can never ever be the same as someone who grew up feeling loved and safe. I HATE the ‘just get counselling’ attitude too. It doesn’t work for everyone.

@cutietips your post about ‘filling in the gaps’ really resonates.

This is the most helpful thread I’ve ever read. Thank you and respect to every single one of you, especially cutietips and oprah; I can relate to all of this and it’s finally good to know I’m not alone.

I’ve never bothered with counselling, just tried to draw a line under it all and move on. But it’s the learning all the life skills stuff that’s hard - that feeling that “normal” people are way ahead.

A sense of perspective helps too. I’m fortunate enough to be a westerner living in a relatively safe country, life could be a lot worse.

After a shaky start due to a complete lack of parenting skills, I do have good relationships with my now adult children.

My life, finally, is good. But I’ll never catch up with the normal people.

Oh my goodness OP - I feel exactly the same. I'm nearly 50 and still battling childhood thoughts. I still feel anger and know I need to let go to move forward, but it's affected me throughout my life and led to my crap life choices. I often think what would i be like if I'd felt love and been given self confidence as a child. Rather than being made to feel worthless. I've read so many self help books, which has helped a bit. But i'm angry i can't turn back the clock (I know I can't really but I always have the what ifs). I must focus on my children now , and hope they grow up loved, happy, and confident to set out in the world. I'm a single mother too, as I twice chose a partner who were not good for me, but I knew I wasn't worth anything better! I am working on myself and hope that eventually i may meet someone special.

The frustrating thing with abusive parents and a loveless childhood is that even if you end up making all the right choices, it doesn't make you feel any better. I worked hard, fulfilled my academic potential (Oxbridge, ivyleague), went from poverty, low social status and neglect to the comforts of an upper middle class lifestyle (DCs in private school, 2 luxury cars, lovely house in lovely area, lovely holiday house), enjoy a fulfilling professional career and are proud of my dh and DCs. I am still fighting the urge to cut my wrists or drive the car over the cliff on a weekly basis. And yes, I am on meds and had counselling, and my insurance pays for the priory. The horrible thing is however much your life changes, you and your feelings and memories stay the same. I just try to give my children the best possible upbringing and hope they'll feel happier one day, though I can see and feel that my anxiety and struggles affect them. So even though I try to do the best for them, I realize I still fuck them up. It'll take generations to get out of this cycle, if ever.