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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what your baby sleeps (or slept) with in their cot, and be annoyed at DP

74 replies

Conflicted1 · 05/10/2018 00:08

Can I ask what your babies sleep (or slept) with?

DS is almost nine months and until now I've been implementing the empty cot rule as is recommended to reduce the risk of SIDS.

For as long as I've been following the guidelines DP has been trying to counteract them and giving baby fleecey blankets, a teddy and in recent months a little square pillow to sleep with "because he'll get cold otherwise"

He has older DC and is used to doing things that way.

He feels disheartened that I "overrule him" on the subject.

Baby sleeps in an cosy room in PJ's and socks. He is definitely not cold.

AIBU and over zealous, or is he BU by not understanding and assessing the risks associated with having items in babies sleep space?

OP posts:
Myusername101z · 05/10/2018 00:12

I also have a nearly 9 month old who sleeps with a blanket the ones that have all the holes in can’t temember what they are called now which is often kicked off , there is also a small comfort teddy in the cot as was recommend by a sleep expert as part of sleep association. I’m no expert but I think at this age they should be allowed a blanket maybe not a pillow though? I think it may also depend on your babies mobility I am confident she won’t get stuck under the blanket as she would have as a newborn as she can move around very well. I have found that sometimes she may wake up cold during the middle of the night even if the heating has been on earlier and she’s wearing a vest and a sleepsuit so a blanket is needed in our case

agnurse · 05/10/2018 00:13

Once your son is over a year old those things would be okay.

I would ask him if he's okay with taking your LO in a car with no car seat? Or driving himself without a seatbelt?

The reality is that although HIS kids were okay with things in the cot, many babies weren't so fortunate. As we know better we do better.

You can also advise him (and this is true) that the risk of SIDS is higher if the room is too warm.

Myusername101z · 05/10/2018 00:14

Just to add I am cautious (not to sure why) about fleecy blankets and don’t use them yet so I think you are being reasonable there

ChristmasArmadillo · 05/10/2018 00:14

YANBU. Nothing until 2 here. It isn’t worth the risk.

Zigazagazoo · 05/10/2018 00:15

Dd sleeps in a growbag and that’s it. Just her, the bag and the mattress.

Original poster
Conflicted1 · 05/10/2018 00:17

@Myusername101z thank you for replying

I did agree to meet him in the middle and let him have one of the blankets you've described (cellular blankets I believe they're called) as it is breathable but DP insists on giving him the thick fleecey one he has with him in his pram.

DS sleeps on his front with his bum in the air so I do worry about suffocation.

I've read a load of horror stories which admittedly has made me a bit paranoid

The pillow he gives him is a decorative one (scatter cushion) and not a breathable baby specific one

OP posts:
Graphista · 05/10/2018 00:17

101z - it's called a cellular blanket. Great wee things.

Op I understand how you feel, but they are guidelines not set in stone. Controversial on here but this is his child too. Can you reach a compromise? Discuss further with him?

Myusername101z · 05/10/2018 00:18

I’m worrying now Confused I stopped using sleeping bag as was told this can be dangerous for babies who can stand ? Any advice on that please

BlessYour2Sizes2SmallHeart · 05/10/2018 00:19

I would use a sleeping bag now that it's getting colder.

I think your attitude towards your partner is a bit nasty though, your son has two parents and it doesn't sound like you're working as a team.

Tillytrotter123 · 05/10/2018 00:19

Yanbu, my DD has an empty cot. Its just not worth the risk, she won’t miss a teddy or blanket etc if she’s never had it.

Original poster
Conflicted1 · 05/10/2018 00:19

Thank you to the other PPs for replying too! Just refreshed the thread after I posted.

DP insists grow bags are a waste of money, I completely disagree and would much rather him have one of those than a thick fleece blanket.

It frustrates me to the point I've had several conversations with him and asked how he'd feel if something terrible happened just for the sake of DS looking cosy

OP posts:
Tillytrotter123 · 05/10/2018 00:22

As for being ‘his child too,’ yes of course but not when it goes against NHS guidelines and current safety advice.

Original poster
Conflicted1 · 05/10/2018 00:23

@BlessYour2Sizes2SmallHeart I don't mean to come across as cruel, I just feel babies safety is paramount and will absolutely dig my heels in about something that could be harmful.

He makes a lot of decisions, this is the one thing I don't want to back down from

OP posts:
MemoryOfSleep · 05/10/2018 00:23

Baby sleeps with empty cot. Fleeces can cause overheating. Pillows can cause suffocation.

Graphista · 05/10/2018 00:25

I never liked grow bags as overheating is a bigger risk than loose bedding when a baby is relatively mobile which they are at this age.

Original poster
Conflicted1 · 05/10/2018 00:28

Because he has older DC and has always done things this way, he feels I'm being irrational because no harm ever came to them.

As a FTM I want to do things by the book where babies safety is concerned, but because that goes against his personal beliefs he thinks I'm BU.

He is a good father in general and makes a lot of decisions about the way we raise DS, it just irks me that he knows how I feel and does it anyway.

If he's up in the night to feed DS I'll wake up to find that damn blanket and pillow in his crib.

OP posts:
Whereartthouname · 05/10/2018 00:35

No bu my bub is same age and i am very strict with the guide lines. Grow bags only no blankets or softies he sleeps just fine.

Pleasegodgotosleep · 05/10/2018 01:18

Stick to your guns. Safety guidelines are there for a reason. My firstly (now 3) was empty cot until she was 2. She slept 8n fleecy all in one jammies is it was cold. Nompillows or blankets. New born is currently in a swaddled blanketing next to me crib but once she grows out of that will also be empty cot.

ShovingLeopard · 05/10/2018 01:30

I don't wish to be rude about your DH, but he's coming across as both pig-headed and a little bit obtuse here.

Does he not understand about research and statistics? Does he not realise that being lucky with his older children has no effect whatsoever on the statistical risks facing the baby?

If he is unable to grasp the above, then frankly he deserves to feel undermined. If he's not capable of doing his own basic research, then direct him to a suitable HCP, like a HV, to educate him.

Stick to your guns. This is an important safety issue. If he refuses to educate himself on the recent research, that's his own issue to deal with, he doesn't get to foist unnecessary risk onto your DC to protect his fragile ego.

Haven't you gone ballistic with him yet? If it were my DH, I'd have gone nuclear on him the first time he'd gone against my wishes and stuffed extraneous items into the cot. There would be no way he'd start up about it again.

Caterina99 · 05/10/2018 01:36

With my DS I was more strict and he had only his grow bag and his dummy until he was about 18m. My mum always commented on his bare cot (but never did anything)

DD (now nearly 1) has a grow bag and a cellular blanket and a jelly cat toy bunny. She wouldn’t take a dummy and I really needed some kind of comfort item for her and she ended up with the blanket and the bunny. I wouldn’t give her a fleece though and a pillow is unnecessary.

Maybe compromise on a baby pillow (does your DS even care or use it as a pillow?!) and a cellular blanket and a small soft toy. Extremely minimal risk. Surely if you explain your concerns he can understand your reasoning.

Queenofthestress · 05/10/2018 01:38

My dd didnt have fleece blankets until she went in a proper bed, shes now 19 months and only just got a quilt & pillow. Ubtik then it was either cellur blankets or a growbag and thats it, same with ds whos now just turning 5

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 05/10/2018 02:43

Because he has older DC and has always done things this way, he feels I'm being irrational because no harm ever came to them

But harm did come to some babies, and thats why the research and advice changed. Surely he can see that. There's lots of safety issues that the advice is updated for all the time, just because its what hes always done doesn't make it right.

He thinks baby sleeping bags are a waste of money yet insists on a fleece? That could get kicked off and therefore do no actual use at all? Isnt that contractory, surely apart from the safety issue of it meaning there is no loose/extra fabric that could cover the face in the cot, it means that you can insure that the wamth is kept consistant and the baby doesnt kick covers off?? Would he maybe listen if you posed it from that way that the fleece isnt doing anything as it will get kicked off but a baby sleeping bag would insure little obe stayed snug.

How does a cushion change the baby getting cold? Do many adult front sleepers use pillows? I ask cos i go between front sleeping and side sleeping, when i'm sleeping on my front i dont use a pillow, so that woukd be my argument as little obe is a front sleeper that he doesnt need a pillow and indeed is more confortable without one.

BlueBug45 · 05/10/2018 04:09

OP if you buy and put your child in a gro bag is it likely your OH will take him out if your child is sound asleep?

GinIsIn · 05/10/2018 04:13

Why do you care if he thinks sleeping bags are a waste of money? Just buy one and ignore him - he clearly doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

People used to give their babies gin to get them to sleep too. Would he be happy to do that? No? Well that’s because best practice changes over time. You don’t have to be a genius to see that.