The school run - what on earth?!

[Livelovelearn123]

Just looking for views on how you deal with the school run and other parents. Before the school run I was more open minded, at least I didnt want to appear rude so would smile in the direction of people I knew, talk to people at baby groups etc. Due to a few bad experiences with some parents, one who was a real stirrer and caused a lot of issues amongst a few class parents, and some that befriended parents for person gain, or to sell their products to, I feel quite nervy about the school run. Oh, and quite bizarrely, some that friend you on social media and then ignore you on the school run! What is that about? I have started to keep my head down and talk less to people, which may just be normal I’m not sure 😁.

I don’t actually know why I’m that bothered about this, I have lovely out of school friends, work friends and a few friends in the class.

Just looking for reassurance and for views on what is normal!

[Nicknacky]

kerry School runs haven’t changed, that’s what they are still like unless you want to perceive drama/cliches etc.

[aintnothinbutagstring]

Once you've got more than one child in school and have been doing school runs for a good number of years, say 5+yrs, you really REALLY won't care anymore about who smiled back at you and who didn't. I drive dc to and from school, my only target these days is how quickly and I can there and back!

[Haworthia]

My child’s class developed a clique of alpha mums after two terms of Reception. For quite a while, they were happy to chat with me in the playground. By the summer, there was a definite split - the alpha mums on one side of the tarmac, and the ones deemed not worthy on the other. I’ve been told by mums with older children that they never experienced such behaviour before, it was just something about that particular group of women (and the two or three queen bees at the head of the clique) that was kind of toxic.

The classes were mixed for Y2, so I’m free of it now, thank fuck. I hated standing in the playground getting ignored. And I’m sure I was giving off standoffish vibes to them too. Who wouldn’t?

[Outnumb3red]

When I drop in the morning I don't go into the playground- kids get out the car and go in themselves.
When collecting, as youngest is in p2, I will wait in the playground. Quite happy not chatting to any other parents tbh.

[Nicknacky]

Howartia What makes a group of woman "alpha mums"? And how did you decide it was the other group that wasn't good enough to be included?

[LuvSmallDogs]

Everyone as DS1’s school seems nice so far, I’ve struck up a bit of conversation here and there. I keep getting there early as I have to walk and am very pregnant so I keep leaving buffer time for leaning on a wall panting and then not using enough of it. DH runs him in and doesn’t talk much to other parents as he’s shy.

If we all do separate into horrid, bitchy cliques, I will probably end up with the loungewear ones TBH.

[Ninoo25]

At our school it’s generally fine, but in my eldest daughter’s class there are quite a few snotty, gobby parents for whom the school can never do anything right. Most of them are lovely, but there’s about 5 or 6 really negative and cliquey parents who ruin it for everyone.

Unfortunately the worst one is also the administrator of the class WhatsApp group (she set the current one up). When she set the group up in Year 1 or 2 I think, she purposefully left out 3 parents that she doesn’t like, despite having everyone’s phone numbers from a previous class WhatsApp group (which a nice parent had set up in Reception and she encouraged everyone to leave so that she could set up a new one!) Some people in life are just absolutely horrible and that includes some parents!

Luckily she’s now got a job that means she is hardly ever on the school run, as all she did was try and stir up trouble. She spreads gossip, puts in complaints about teachers and the school and cites other parents that don’t even know her as agreeing with her. A real piece of work. The school is classed as outstanding and is the most oversubscribed in our town.

The parents in my younger daughter’s class are lovely and the parents are really nice and more reflect the overall atmosphere of the school. If I only had a child in my oldest daughter’s class though I don’t think I’d have a good view of the school and that would be purely down to the gossiping and biching of the other parents!

[Ninoo25]

bitching of other parents I meant to say

[SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst]

Howartia What makes a group of woman "alpha mums"? And how did you decide it was the other group that wasn't good enough to be included?

Exactly. To ascribe a set of motivations/beliefs to a group of people based purely on an external perception is more a reflection of the people doing the 'labelling' and assigning themselves to the out-group. In the words of Anais Nin, 'We don't see the world as it is, we see it as we are'.

And I’m sure I was giving off standoffish vibes to them too
Hence the self-fulfilling prophecy whereby you're stand-offish, so they don't approach you, so you decide this is proof they think they're better than you, and so on and so on ...

Who has the time or the energy for manufacturing this drama?

[BluthsFrozenBananas]

Every thread on this subject goes the same way, with some posters refusing to believe that other people’s experience of the school run is different to theirs, so therefore playground cliques and drama can’t possibly be a thing. I don’t get it, for instance I’ve never experienced work place bullying, but I don’t doubt it exists.

I’ve said this on here before, but at DD’s school things between the parents got so bad the HT got the police involved. I don’t think that was a figment of anyone’s imagination.

[TheSteakBakeOfAwesome]

Yep it's all "oh it doesn't happen - I can't believe it" then the "define the alpha mums" gaslighting starts.

It's real for a hell of a lot of people in a hell of a lot of schools - might not be real for you, or you might be one of the mums in a group having a laugh and not noticing it going on.

[SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst]

I’ve said this on here before, but at DD’s school things between the parents got so bad the HT got the police involved. I don’t think that was a figment of anyone’s imagination

Over an assumed clique? Or was there a more serious situation such as assault, harassment, etc? I resolutely refuse to believe that the head teacher got the police involved because someone thought some 'alpha mums' were ignoring her and was finding the school run a bit awkward as a result.

[Haworthia]

I’m not manufacturing drama, shecamefromgreece, I’m merely choosing to stay well away from cliquey women who were out to establish themselves as the “popular/important” mums virtually from day one.

If you’re not familiar with the concept of alpha mum then great, you’re fortunate! Ditto if you’ve never experienced cliques and frostiness in the playground. It’s very tiresome. And, for the record, I only decided to give up on being friendly in favour of being standoffish when it became patently obvious that they wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire, as it were

[safetyfreak]

Another one here who drop off/collects child and just says hi and moves on. The only thing I got in common with these people is we got knocked up in the same year

[theworldistoosmall]

Haven’t done a school run for years.
But I used to show up just before school started. Point them in the right direction and leave.
Pick up time. Show up at correct time get them and leave.
Oh and yes the cliques, playground bullying and alphas absolutely happened.
Although I never engaged with people in school I am friends with a number of parents and quiet frankly the shite I’ve heard from them over the years, so glad I maintained the drop and leg it attitude.

[SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst]

Ditto if you’ve never experienced cliques and frostiness in the playground

No, I have not ever experienced it, because I don't give a second thought to anything that happening in the yard, who is talking to (or not talking to) anyone else, whether someone is 'frosty', etc. Turn up, drop children off, get on with my day. You don't have to think about this stuff, or allow it to affect you, or spend time making assumptions about how other people might be behaving and what they might be trying to achieve or who they might be trying to influence.

Detach from it completely. It can only affect you if you allow it to affect you. It's 5 minutes twice a day and there is no obligation to have anything to do with anyone or anything that happens there. It's not like a workplace situation where you need to be there 8 hours a day and interact with certain people in order to get the job done.

None of this school yard stuff matters. Ignore it. They're people who procreated in the same couple of square miles as you. You don't have to like them, and they don't have to like you.

[QueenOfMyWorld]

@safetyfreak 😁 loving got knocked up in the same year that's exactly how I view it

[ItLooksABitOff]

"
No, I have not ever experienced it, because I don't give a second thought to anything that happening in the yard, who is talking to (or not talking to) anyone else, whether someone is 'frosty', etc. Turn up, drop children off, get on with my day. You don't have to think about this stuff, or allow it to affect you, or spend time making assumptions about how other people might be behaving and what they might be trying to achieve or who they might be trying to influence.

Detach from it completely. It can only affect you if you allow it to affect you. It's 5 minutes twice a day and there is no obligation to have anything to do with anyone or anything that happens there. It's not like a workplace situation where you need to be there 8 hours a day and interact with certain people in order to get the job done.

None of this school yard stuff matters. Ignore it. They're people who procreated in the same couple of square miles as you. You don't have to like them, and they don't have to like you."

for sure, this was very much me until one mum brought the drama to me, like, in my face wouldn't leave me alone. I shut it down best I could. What can I say, some parents are erm interesting.

[Bouledeneige]

In reality we can only ever really count the closest people to us on one hand and then after that up to 10 or 15 people we might spend time with or chat to properly. We can't be friends with everyone, we won't like or click with everyone.

So throughout the school period there will be some people we just smile at or never talk to. That's okay. Just focus on the few people who you really do like and don't expect too much from the rest. And as with any large community there will be some who are bitchy or shit stirrers. Steer clear of them - they are mostly easy to spot.

And have another life and friends outside of it all to keep balance and perspective. There's more to life than parental squabbles, slights and competition.