To think it's impossible to have a career AND a child with SEN?

[meanieleanie]

If you think IABU - please tell me how you do it!

Holiday childcare provision is limited for children with additional needs, especially older ones. You're constantly waiting for the next phone call from school about their meltdowns or another incident. Regular meetings with SENCo. Specialist appointments/weekly CAMHs appointments. If you've got a school refuser, you're often late for work, or at risk of being so. Completing homework requires extra time and attention.

I'm feeling completely disillusioned. I'm in a role which, at the risk of making me sound like an arsehole, is way below what I'm capable of doing (and consequently way below what I'm capable of earning). But I don't need to be available outside of hours, no major projects are at risk if I have to dive out of work, no one minds too much if I'm late.

And this is from the perspective of someone whose child has relatively
mild SEN, not anywhere close to warranting an ECHP. I can only imagine how tough it must be for parents of children with more severe SEN.

SEN specialists are hard to find, that is why you pay them well and treat them as you would a family member.

There are many hard working parents who could not possibly afford their daily living costs plus paying SEN specialists.

In my own situation (professional single parent) I was in financially secure position when my DD's needs rapidly changed. I had no choice other than to take unpaid leave. When it became clear this was not a temporary situation, I had to stop work.

Keeping my job and employing someone to take over my parenting responsibilities was neither financially possible, nor would it have been possible given my DD's needs.

I am not seeing any aggression silvercuckoo. I am really pleased that you have found a way to make it work for you but it doesn't follow that the solutions you propose are feasible for others.

In response to your question, I aim to have a career because I have a passion for my profession and (most of the time!) a work ethic. But it is very challenging even though I have more support than many others. Still it is really difficult to manage both supporting DS and dealing with challenges at work.

I also suffer from the lack of understanding of may around us who don't empathise with what we are facing every day. The responses to your post are because the solutions you propose are not viable to many of us and to say that it is 'totally possible' is going to come across as patronising regardless of your intention.

And it would have been wholly detrimental to my DD's already damaged mental health. So, no, not "totally possible"

Silver if you were a middle manager on £35k would you be able to afford what you pay for now?

To suggest it is possible for everyone because you found a way to make it work for you (which actually for a lot of people wouldn’t be a way they would pick) is rubbish
OP precisely asked about "how you do it". I explained. Everyone has their own choices and priorities in life.

Yes but silver everyone has their own unique set of circumstances out of which they make their own choices and select priorities. It is not a level playing field.

The responses to your post are because the solutions you propose are not viable to many of us and to say that it is 'totally possible' is going to come across as patronising regardless of your intention.

I said "totally possible" to encourage, not to show off. As in, "go and try it". Because the majority of responses on this thread were extremely discouraging, which I find actually worse than patronising.

Silver could you do what you do if you earned £35k?

I struggle, and I’ve just left a career job with good pension etc to go freelance again.
My employer was understanding but I always felt like I was taking the piss, and my 12 year old with autism was finding it hard to cope before and after school.

I find it impossible. I am 51 now and I have no hope of progressing any further in the civil service. Disabled children turn into disabled adults and I have had to give up my career plans, I am still working part time term time in order to care for my disabled sons. Both have Autism and heart conditions and although only one is at school I find it impossible to coordinate all of their appointments and all the times I have to have off because of problems and also have a full time job let alone a career. I feel very upset and I admit sometimes angry when I think of the young woman I was who was doing so well and had big plans and of course my pension has suffered badly. But it is what it is, I have to deal with the cards I have been dealt with. Unless you live it you can't understand it.

I said "totally possible" to encourage, not to show off.

No you said it's totally possible if you want it

Silver, you didn't say 'it's possible for some,' which would be uncontroversial and is perhaps what you meant, you said 'it's possible if you want it,' which implies that not wanting it is the reason for people not managing it, rather than other circumstances.
This is why you put people's backs up.
I always like to hear about people who have made it work and how they did it, but some of the lessons aren't applicable to everyone.
My job was very definitely a 'career' (university lecturer) but I couldn't have afforded a full time nanny on it.

I'd still like to know if Silver could do it on £35 k. What is an average salary for a woman with an undergraduate degree eg a teacher, SW?? If we are talking huge salary ie Cherie Blair then sure, anything is possible.

I 'go and try it' every single day of my life silver. Honestly I don't think I lack drive and motivation. I do accept that you want to be encouraging not patronising but please can you understand how it might come across to some of us?

I would never to discourage anyone in going after what they want. But I have to state the facts plainly in explaining how hard it is; by pretending it wasn't so now that would be patronising. It is really really hard just to have the headspace to manage a challenging job role let alone manage the practicalities of caring for DS alongside.

It is hard enough for me...for others it is impossible. We do the best we can every day but this situation is not of our making,

As a teacher I wouldn't ever have earnt enough for all the things you mention silver.

What if your career is nursing? Or lecturing/Higher Ed, working in the charity sector. Actually quite a lot of the private sector.

Too difficult for the foreseeable future here ... 4 children with complex needs at 3 different schools in 3 different towns with varying amounts of medical appointments on a frequent basis. One that doesn't sleep more than a few hours a night and has such extreme anxiety we often feel like we are walking on eggshells. I have ME also which in itself can be prohibitive. I'm sure some people would look at my social media and think all is well and I could " do something" but funnily enough the most judgemental ones are the ones with no idea of how complex the kids are.

At what salary is it worth it? You'd have to have a cross trained nanny or two plus private therapist, private schooling and domestic help.

I learned this week from FB that Charles de Gaulle had a daughter with Downs. The moral behind the post was "it's not necessarily the end of your career". It didn't go on to say she was institutionalised for most of her short life, though

I am lucky to work in a very very flexible environment who don’t bat an eyelid if I’m late/leaving early/on appintments/courses. But I am a part time lead administrator not a full time career person. And I do a lot of unpaid overtime that balances it all up over the course of a couple of months.

Silver if you were a middle manager on £35k would you be able to afford what you pay for now?
No, and that is precisely why I am not a middle manager on £35K.
Last year, I hired a single mum with no career track to speak of, who self-taught Python while on maternity. Her husband left after their child was born with a life-changing disability. She's an absolute star at the moment - I literally have never had a better developer.
I find it strange when threads like this turn into an echo chamber about how difficult life is. Yes it is difficult, but it does not mean the game is over.

At what salary is it worth it? You'd have to have a cross trained nanny or two plus private therapist, private schooling and domestic help.
Manageable at around 90K. You don't need a nanny plus a private school, it is one or the other. Private therapy sessions are £70 / hour. I don't have domestic help at the moment.

So you have answered for yourself why it’s not going to work for the vast majority of people.

I know a family who manage - with no family support. Both work full time but in shifts / working from home. Child attends special school with a day a month council respite.

Holidays are tough but work has to be flexibile. They are knackered.

You don't often see coding jobs for 90k though! I say that as a coder. About half that would be typical.
But great that you can get it.
We did look into a nanny before having a child with SEN but couldn't afford it and couldn't find anyone we liked / felt comfortable with. I also wouldn't feel comfortable outsourcing medical emergencies and nights but I know everyone is different, it's just not for us.

Just skimming the thread - I can see silver is getting a hard time.

I think there’s room for everyone’s ‘truth’.

The reality is that taking a career break to care for (Sen or otherwise) kids has economic ramifications far into the future. Not having a job makes it hard to find your next job. Sometimes there’s no room for anything else in life, sometimes it’s worth trying to future plan a bit. This isn’t a judgement on anyone else’s choices - everyone does their best with the hand they’ve been dealt.

(I think my username is a giveaway for how I plan to become economically active again!)