To think it's impossible to have a career AND a child with SEN?

[meanieleanie]

If you think IABU - please tell me how you do it!

Holiday childcare provision is limited for children with additional needs, especially older ones. You're constantly waiting for the next phone call from school about their meltdowns or another incident. Regular meetings with SENCo. Specialist appointments/weekly CAMHs appointments. If you've got a school refuser, you're often late for work, or at risk of being so. Completing homework requires extra time and attention.

I'm feeling completely disillusioned. I'm in a role which, at the risk of making me sound like an arsehole, is way below what I'm capable of doing (and consequently way below what I'm capable of earning). But I don't need to be available outside of hours, no major projects are at risk if I have to dive out of work, no one minds too much if I'm late.

And this is from the perspective of someone whose child has relatively
mild SEN, not anywhere close to warranting an ECHP. I can only imagine how tough it must be for parents of children with more severe SEN.

Oh well, I have to be honest really and say even without disabled children I would never have earned over £40k I don't think. I'm not extremely ambitious and only have an undergraduate degree. It's not like there's a rocket scientist sitting here going to waste.

Good for you silver for recognising that single mum's potential and supporting her development - I mean that sincerely.

But we are allowed to talk about how difficult it is, don't you see that? Referring to 'an echo chamber about how difficult life is' when people post honestly about the difficulties we face....well it is hard to respond to that in all honesty. I feel isolated enough irl already. I don't see why here of all places people shouldn't be able to state & discuss the difficulties they face; difficulties which sometimes, depending on the circumstances, are insurmountable.

What if your career is nursing?
Move to the US.

Or lecturing/Higher Ed,
Depends on the subject, of course, I cannot imagine a universal path for every specialism. Math / physics / other STEM - move to quant finance or software development. A lot of specialisms, I imagine, open private tutoring roles.

working in the charity sector.
Here I actually have no idea. I do some charity work (a treasurer), but it would not occur to describe it as a career, and it is unpaid in the first place.

I don't think Silver has had a hard time, i wanted genuinely to know the figures.

I think Silver sounds like GF who is actually pretty clueless about anyone's situation outside their own.

"Move to America"

dick.

It is very hard especially if you have very little support as we don't.
My youngest DS has autism. DH and I both work full time but I work during the day and he works night shifts. My employer is very understanding and I do have the flexibility to alter my hours around as appointments etc arise
School holiday are the biggest logistical headache and take a huge amount of planning ahead.

I find it strange when threads like this turn into an echo chamber about how difficult life is. Yes it is difficult, but it does not mean the game is over.

How can you judge that your experience of life being hard is comparable to someone else's experience?

You were clearly motivated by financial reward. Not all of us are, thankfully, so or there would be a severe lack of nurses, teacher, carers, etc.

There are many couples who have a similar set up to yours. Where one half focuses on their career and earning money, and the other focuses on supporting the DC with SEN. You simply earn enough to pay your second person.

Your nanny is skilled and professional - just like the parents on this thread who doing all those things for their own DC. But very sadly, they are not being paid what your Nanny is being paid.

Move to USA? You do realise what the medical bills would be for a disabled child there right?

Sorry but I laughed out loud at 'move to the US'. I can't contemplate even moving to another area of the UK and facing having to set up all DS support and services all over again.

And of course the US hand out work visas like confetti and all the support DS would be paid for. And of course he would settle in like a dream into the new environment & culture.

dick.
Why? My good friend is a nurse, she moved precisely for this reason (although in her case it is a partner, not a child, who is disabled). Tripled her salary.

You do realise what the medical bills would be for a disabled child there right?
Not with a proper medical insurance, which nurses usually get.

I'm actually in tears (my fault for being pathetic) wondering if I'm just making a mountain out of a molehill. Have I caused DC's MH to avoid a career, I'm really not sure these days.

I don't think I have any skills anymore.

I work for a US company. One my colleagues has a child with SEN. It sounds a fucking nightmare, problems with health insurance, cost of therapies, etc. That’s before she gets into schooling. We talk often and she’s pretty envious of our set up, and that’s before you get onto our support being free!

Oh well silver I am glad it worked out for your friend. But it has no relevance to me or I suspect the majority of posters here. I am not feeling in any way 'encouraged' don't you see? I really am not needing this kick up the backside that you want to bestow.

Me neither thigh. You're not alone, silver is clueless and self absorbed so only able to see their own reality. Best to ignore

You were clearly motivated by financial reward.
I am motivated by the wellbeing of my family. In the 21st century, unfortunately, it is highly correlated with the financial reward.
I never said anything bad about anyone who is happy and content on a teacher's or carer's salary. Great for them! (and I mean it)

But my skill set isn't STEM or coding. I don't know anyone, even my career friends who earn £90k, it is an unbelievable amount for me. The only way you would get that in teaching is being a Head in a large secondary. And then you would be working all hours.

A successful career isn't just about earning loads of money. I want a career for the benefit it gives me, the sense of achievement, to feel like a useful member of society. It definitely isn't about the money.

thighofrelief please stop reading what silver is posting. I have no idea if she is a GF or completely devoid of empathy and compassion.

She had the opportunity to encourage and be positive but instead she chose to post in a manner that has been patronsing and dismissive. Ignore.

Silver I genuinely admire your focus and ambition but it's not something that is or would ever have been achievable for me, even with no children at all.

Thigh - we all make the best decisions we can based on our individual circumstances. We can't judge our worth based on other people opinions/ideas/decisions because they are living our lives.
I have no doubt that you are a fantastic parent and have made the best decisions for your circumstances and DC

@silvercuckoo I don’t want to give you a hard time at all, I imagine it’s tough for you too and especially being a single parent. I’m also not set on ‘inventing barriers’, or just moaning. However the genuine barriers and struggles shown on so many posts are not through lack of trying. I had a high level, specialist career, it was very firmly established and progressing. However it is the type of career that requires travel, odd hours, and absolutely no flexibility for me.

I cannot find another ‘me’ for me son. My DP can’t do any of the challenging tasks, Sen school don’t teach him just ‘manage’, any childminders even Sen (yes I’ve tried) end up in situations I feel are potentially dangerous. I would also struggle to find said Mary Poppins nanny who I’d even feel comfortable about leaving overnight or evenings with no notice.

I am trying to set up home businesses instead as I cover all my son’s educational and development needs, and I won’t give up. However I won’t have anyone say it’s possible because if it was I would have done it by now.

I never said anything bad about anyone who is happy and content on a teacher's or carer's salary. Great for them! (and I mean it)

no one has accused you of saying anthing bad. We are pointing out that your experience of life is not universal. Far from it.

Like many people on this thread, I was happy and content on my teacher's salary but the balance tipped when my DD's needs changed rapidly.

On the other side, I wonder if there is a way that we as parents can support each other, we all have so much to give and most forums are often focused on our kids solely. Which has its uses, but can be quite narrow and make us ‘Sen mums’ even more.

Anyone else feel that their identity as anything else is being lost?!

She had the opportunity to encourage and be positive but instead she chose to post in a manner that has been patronsing and dismissive.
The ugly truth is - if one wants a career, there will be plenty of people like me around.
The thread was about how to manage professional life with SEN children. There is no other answer (I know of) other than to earn decent money and pay for hired help. There simply isn't (let's assume that extended family members who are willing to sacrifice themselves to care full time for a SEN child for free are as rare as unicorns). Let me know if you think otherwise.

There are only a few professional paths that pay enough to make this choice, if you want it*. For the majority of people, these careers can be anything but "rewarding" in the psychological sense that teaching or nursing is.

*and if you don't want it, it is an equally legitimate choice, and definitely not the easier one.