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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To send away unannounced visitors?

93 replies

FurryAndObnoxious · 04/10/2018 13:31

My DH family have a knack of calling over at the most inconvienent times. No matter how many times they're told to phone beforehand they don't. Aibu to send them away? We have an 11 month old and a dog. I suffer from depression and fatigue (they don't know this) and I find it a bit much to be expected to accommodate unannounced visitors

OP posts:

SoutineBellhop · 04/10/2018 16:57

I work from home a lot and my study is on the ground floor just next to the front door. It’s entirely obvious when I’m in, but I just mouth ‘Not a good time’ and make it plain my time is not up for grabs by unannounced visitors. (Or announced ones during the working day, either.)

MrsClayneCrawford · 04/10/2018 17:35

LakieLady - I too hate unannounced visitors. Although my house is generally tidy(ish) it's me that's not visitor ready. If I'm in I'll be in my scruffs doing housework looking like a tramp. No way am I answering the door 😂

papaoomama · 04/10/2018 17:46

My SIL did his when my DD was a newborn and it was always when I had finally managed to get her to latch for to breast feed.

I'm not expecting twins and she's sat me down and said she her daughter can't wait for the babies and they'll be like dolls and they'll be round all the time to help.

I said to her that's really kind but we will cope and also - they are not dolls!! I'm not going to let e five year old care for my newborn twins so it's giving me anxiety already!

We've just moved house to one where we won't be able to hide if she just turns up. Completely annoying!!

papaoomama · 04/10/2018 17:47

*now expecting twins that should say

Original poster

FurryAndObnoxious · 04/10/2018 20:30

God I know I'm being too passive

OP posts:

Loyaultemelie · 04/10/2018 22:12

I'm one of the people mn hates, who actually doesn't give a shit if you can see me through the window or patio door, if I don't know you are coming or what you want I'm not moving. Dh (together over 10 years) is still amazed by this yet does nothing but moan if someone he doesn't want to see turns up well don't open the door then eejit. Don't even get me started on those (perfectly able bodied) who beep their horn and expect me to go out and see what they want

BoomTish · 04/10/2018 22:35

Any chance they’re calling out of concern? Perhaps they’re worried about you if you’re spending a lot of time alone in the house/in bed?

Original poster

FurryAndObnoxious · 04/10/2018 22:41

I don't spend alot of time in the house or in bed

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 04/10/2018 23:46

I think it depends how you "send them away"

BitOutOfPractice · 04/10/2018 23:50

Only on mn do people not answer their door, even to pre-announced family visitors. It amazes me.

Op you need to train your dogs not to rip your curtains down. Tbh if I were one of your relatives I'd call round too to check you're ok.

BackforGood · 05/10/2018 00:27

Well, personally I love it when people pop round unexpectedly, but where YABU is in being welcoming, if you don't want them there.
If you have asked dh to ask them to arrange when they come over and to not call unexpectedly, but then you are nice and welcoming when they do come, and ignore that request, then you are completely undermining him.
You need to go to the door, keep one foot behind it so they don't come in, and actually say to them. Oh, what a shame you've had your time wasted driving over here - it's not a convenient time for you to be here now. I though dh had asked you before if you could call before you came? Well, that's a shame, but maybe if you call next time we can arrange a convenient time to see you, so you don't have a wasted journey again. Then close the door.

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 05/10/2018 00:34

bit obviously it’s not just on mn is it? We don’t all just disappear into the ether when we’re not posting.

Improve12 · 05/10/2018 11:41

Totally get what you mean by people that will gossip about your depression if you told them. You shouldn't have to share personal information whatever it is to get people to leave you alone. You can leave a not on the door that says 'please do not knock. currently busy. not accepting visitors. please text me if its an emergency'.

Improve12 · 05/10/2018 11:42

note

BitOutOfPractice · 05/10/2018 11:56

What I obviously meant backforgood is that I don't know anyone in rl who just doesn't answer their door. Yet it seems very common on mn. Go figure.

TheWholeHog · 05/10/2018 12:12

Just keep sending them your usual at home cards. You’ll eventually train them to only come round when they receive and at home card. Probably.

melj1213 · 05/10/2018 12:46

If it isn't convenient you need to tell them - you don't have to be rude or horrible nor do you have to explain, you just need to be firm.

"Hello sorry but it isn't convenient for a visitor right now. If you'd called/text first I could have let you know and saved you a wasted journey. Got to go now, bye!"

BackforGood · 05/10/2018 16:35

Bit - think you mean This is theFirstStep..... my own experience is the same as yours - I can't imaging anyone not answering the door when someone calls

twoshedsjackson · 05/10/2018 17:07

I think BackforGood has a point about mixed messages; the time is inconvenient, but you are hospitable nevertheless.
Maybe if you let them in and then just sat quietly, not following up conversational cues, not offering tea and biscuits, or launching on to whatever slightly grotty chore needs doing e.g. just chat among yourselves while I unblock this drain/clean the oven/go out into the garden, and start weeding - even asking for a helping hand? "Ooh I'm so glad you're here - if I get the washing off the line, could you start folding it?"
Baby needs a nappy change - forge ahead - or ask one of them to lend a hand?
If it's cold, why not put on an extra sweater while turning off the heating?
Always polite though. Make it clear that guests when expected are welcome.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/10/2018 20:54

I do apologise @BackforGood I did mean ThisIsTheFirstStep. I beg your pardon. I was feeling a bit snitty

BackforGood · 05/10/2018 21:31

No worries at all Bit.

Stinkbomb · 05/10/2018 21:31

I always let STBXH parents know that it wasn't convenient when they just turned up unannounced and very disapproving that the house wasn't spotless.
It totally did my head in, I wouldn't have minded it so much if they weren't so bloody rude when my house wasn't spotless (I worked more hours than he did, they lived in a fucking show home - totally unrealistic when I wanted a family home that DC felt was theirs too).

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 06/10/2018 00:46

bit plenty of people suffer from social anxiety, probably more common in online communities because all the sad, lonely people gather online. Also, you can actually admit to such weird freaky behaviour online whereas in real life, people are probably scared of having people judge them.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/10/2018 09:47

Maybe FiirstStep or maybe in RL people realise this is not a tenable position and do actually open their door

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 06/10/2018 11:06

So what are you suggesting? That people are lying on here? Or that only weird people frequent mn? I don’t even get your point.

I don’t know anyone in real life who calls round without asking first, it’s seen as being quite rude with everyone I know.

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