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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want anything to do with my BIL?

62 replies

PassMeTheBeer · 04/10/2018 10:21

My BIL has been in prison for 7.5 years for reasons still fairly unclear (I kind of don't want to know all the details as what I do know disgusts me but it wasn't assault/burglary or the like). He is coming out soon and wants to be part of our family but I can't bring myself to talk to him let alone have contact with me and my DD. DH has supported him while being in prison, and initially I did to support my DH but as time has gone on I really resent him. We have had so much go on in the 7.5 years that could've been made easier with his support, mainly due to their parents (who have both died in the last 2.5 years) and obviously he hasn't been here but expects all the sympathy from the very limited people that do still speak to him. DH knows my feelings on BIL but pretty much every time we try and speak about him, it ends up with a row. He says that his brother is the only family he has left so needs him, I disagreed as I thought me and DD were supposed to be family. I'm not stopping DH from having the contact he needs with BIL but I just don't want him thinking we can be a happy family with him involved. Sorry if this makes no sense, I just feel so angry with BIL as he has such a hold on DH (my DH is too nice for his own good)!

OP posts:
Aprilislonggone · 04/10/2018 10:23

Not being goady but bil doesn't know you were expecting /needing his support - I am sure he didn't get locked up to piss you off!!

Thesexyskeleton · 04/10/2018 10:26

Well, it depends what he’s done. If it’s anything related to child abuse, there would be no way in this green earth I would have anything to do with him.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/10/2018 10:28

You can't help how you feel and certainly don't have to have anything to do with BIL if you don't want to but in the long run I can see by not doing, this could cause disharmony and resentment towards your DH because he is part of BILs life.

I suppose some of it depends on why he was in prison too.

Original poster
PassMeTheBeer · 04/10/2018 10:33

@Aprilislonggone, it's was support for HIS parents really but we've had to pick up all the pieces. He knew they weren't well so I consider him selfish (rightly or wrongly, I suppose I'm just a bitter person Sad

OP posts:
KC225 · 04/10/2018 10:34

Do you actually know all the details of why he is in prison or have you buried your head in the sand about it. I understand if you don't want to disclose it on here but if this is so important to your DH then forewarned is forearmed.

Original poster
PassMeTheBeer · 04/10/2018 10:37

It was to do with many children but he never touched any apparently (not that that makes it right anyway). Like I said, I don't know all the details but it included blackmailing from what I have heard Confused

OP posts:
LakieLady · 04/10/2018 10:38

It's hard to say, but if his offence was anything sexual or violent, I'd say YANBU.

steff13 · 04/10/2018 10:39

Do you actually know your brother-in-law? I mean, did you know him before he was incarcerated? Personally, I believe most people deserve a second chance.

Original poster
PassMeTheBeer · 04/10/2018 10:40

DH knows probably as much as me but I think he's just hoping his brother has turned over a new leaf, I'm not convinced it can happen...

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/10/2018 10:40

Indecent images of children?

steff13 · 04/10/2018 10:41

Indecent images of children?

If it's this, then you are right not to want to be around him.

Original poster
PassMeTheBeer · 04/10/2018 10:43

@steff13, we hardly saw him which makes it harder to understand why he thinks he can be part of our family. DH doesn't want him living in our pockets at all but just wants to have contact with him I suppose

OP posts:
FullOfJellyBeans · 04/10/2018 10:44

I agree with PP that I don't think he got locked up to annoy you and it's been more of a catastrophe for him than you.

However given what you say about his crime I don't think I could be around him either. I certainly wouldn't have him around DD. I would support DH having contact with him but not go so far as to be able to offer any support to BiL myself and would be adamantly opposed to any contact with DD.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/10/2018 10:44

To me it would depend completely on the crime....

Look him up online... It will be reported somewhere... It's a matter of public record... The newspapers will have reported.

Child sex offenders ALL lie, and lie well...

His offences sound major... 7.5 years is a loooong sentence.... Quite serious offences get community /probation orders...

BlueSuffragette · 04/10/2018 10:45

If his crime involving children involved them in any way being abused, even if he was only watching it, then he is guilty of an offense that I could not forgive. I would ensure my children were kept away from forming any kind of relationship with him. If your husband wants to see his brother, then I would suggest you may want it to be away from your home environment.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 04/10/2018 10:47

Also if it's grooming kids/ blackmailing...

It's utterly, utterly awful and will have damaged these kids for ever....

He will lie and has proven himself to be manipulative /lie...

He shouldn't be anywhere near kids...

georgedawes · 04/10/2018 10:47

That's a huge sentence. For instance, a rape conviction would often result in less than that actually served inside. Presumably he was actually sentenced to 15 years?

Singlenotsingle · 04/10/2018 10:48

If DH wants to phone him or meet him, that's his prerogative, so long as he understands that you don't want anything to do with him. He won't meet your DC, or be welcome in your house.

Kr1stina · 04/10/2018 10:50

It’s hard to say without more information

What were his offences, how old was he ?

Did you know him before he was incarcerated ?

How often does your husband visit him ?

What kind of relationship does your husband Expect you and your children( if you have any ) to have with BIL? Are we talking about seeing him every weekend or exchanging Christmas cards ?

What other family support does BIL have ? He’s much more likely to “ turn over a new leaf “ if he has family support.

Has your husband been in contact with organisations that help families of prisoners ?

What are your BIL s plans for after he is released ?

Bekabeech · 04/10/2018 10:54

If they are child sex offences then YANBU. And you and DH need to have a serious conversation. Maybe get advice from SS or the NSPCC. Your DH is minimising

If it was Fraud then I'd want to investigate more. But you DH is being unreasonable if he's trying to push you and DD to have contact.

Starlightstarbright0 · 04/10/2018 10:55

Ask your husband, if your child was to be victim of these offences that bil has commuted, would he be so keen on a relationship then.
The whole I believe in second chances brigade, I don’t think would feel the same way if it was their own child victim to the offending.

I don’t blame you at all, and to be honest i would be questioning my relationship if the father of my child wanted a relationship with his relative who had done such things.

Birdsgottafly · 04/10/2018 11:00

""but expects all the sympathy from the very limited people that do still speak to him""

Tbf, your World becomes very small when you are in Prison for that long and you become very insular.

You are being bitter about something that may not have been any better if he had not been in Prison. Sometimes caring for someone is easier if you aren't getting conflicting opinions etc. So you need to get passed that.

I would find out what his offence was. As said that is a long sentence. You need to do this for your own protection.

You can tell your Children to not have contact but now in the age of Social media, they may become curious and contact him when they are in their Teens. Which makes them vulnerable.

He will be released with T&Cs and under probation etc.

Redirect the conversations with your DH towards how he is going to manage the contact and what form it will take.

Try to not think of it in the sense that the BIL is taking up what could be family time (which would be easy to do) and see it that it's up to your DH how he uses his free time.

Your DH needs to take on board what the offence was, though.

Rebecca36 · 04/10/2018 11:03

From the little you know and have shared, anything to do with kids and blackmail is seriously and 7.5 years in prison is not dished out to someone who has committed a first offence robbery, drink driving or fraud.

However the man is your husband's brother and there is no reason the two of them should not see eachother. They have more in common than whatever crime your BIL committed. It is a kindness that your husband can see the man within that crime. So don't interfere, they need eachother atm but your husband's home and heart is really with you.

You don't have to be involved with brother in law but if you happened to bump into eachother you might find him to be quite different to how you imagined and able to be civil.

It would be helpful if we knew exactly what he did but I understand you not wanting to share that.

I think to myself, what would I do if someone I was close to committed a heinous crime. I've no idea, it hasn't happened, but I hope I would be encouraging and supportive without condoning the crime or involving my family.

All the best to you, it is a difficult one. x

AgentJohnson · 04/10/2018 11:05

You don’t have to have anything to do with your BIL and if he has committed crimes against children then there will be conditions and you can absolutely demand that he has no contact with them. However, your H is an adult and if he wants to have contact with him you can’t stop him.

You are not your H and you don’t have the same attachment to his brother as he does and you do not get to decide who he considers family.

Is the resentment worth it? I’m not suggesting you embrace BIL (I wouldn’t) but resentmenting your H who does, will be corrosive to your marriage.

Agree to disagree but set very clear boundaries for you and your children.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/10/2018 11:05

I have sympathy with you.
Especially is it sounds as though his prison sentence might be due to shady stuff to do with children - I wouldn't have him anywhere near my DC because of that.

I have a BIL who has been in jail, mostly for drunken aggravating behaviour towards people, including Transport police (big no-no in Australia). I don't like him being anywhere around my DC either but if they go to MIL's and he's there, then I can't really stop it. I, however, do not have anything to do with him at all since he told me to fuck off back to the UK where I belong. MIL thinks I'm harsh - I think she's an idiot if she thinks I'm going to overlook that (yelled at me in a drink-fuelled rage with my 3yo DS2 standing at my knee at the time).

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