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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want anything to do with my BIL?

62 replies

PassMeTheBeer · 04/10/2018 10:21

My BIL has been in prison for 7.5 years for reasons still fairly unclear (I kind of don't want to know all the details as what I do know disgusts me but it wasn't assault/burglary or the like). He is coming out soon and wants to be part of our family but I can't bring myself to talk to him let alone have contact with me and my DD. DH has supported him while being in prison, and initially I did to support my DH but as time has gone on I really resent him. We have had so much go on in the 7.5 years that could've been made easier with his support, mainly due to their parents (who have both died in the last 2.5 years) and obviously he hasn't been here but expects all the sympathy from the very limited people that do still speak to him. DH knows my feelings on BIL but pretty much every time we try and speak about him, it ends up with a row. He says that his brother is the only family he has left so needs him, I disagreed as I thought me and DD were supposed to be family. I'm not stopping DH from having the contact he needs with BIL but I just don't want him thinking we can be a happy family with him involved. Sorry if this makes no sense, I just feel so angry with BIL as he has such a hold on DH (my DH is too nice for his own good)!

OP posts:

Sarahjconnor · 04/10/2018 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

PassMeTheBeer · 04/10/2018 11:10

@Rebecca36, thank you x
DH isn't forcing me and DD to have contact at all, it's BIL that is expecting it. The trouble is it's very difficult talking to someone on the phone compared to face to face so DH is waiting until he is out to tell him what will happen. I have just said I don't want anything to do with him or my DD certainly for the immediate future but DH is able to visit/spend time with him on his own, just not at our house! DH accepts this but I think he's worried how his brother will react as he is under the (dis)illusion that everything will be fine on his release [shocked] and he has threatened suicide before

OP posts:

Original poster

PassMeTheBeer · 04/10/2018 11:12

just to add, his original sentence was 7.5 years, he came out after 3 and broke his probation rules and went back in to finish his original sentence

OP posts:

Rudgie47 · 04/10/2018 11:12

Hes committed a very serious offense/offences to get a sentence which will have been over 10 years initially.
From what you say I would have nothing to do with him and my kids would be going nowhere near him either. Obviously what your husband does is upto him, but I would be telling him that the brother was not to come anywhere near my house or kids period.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 04/10/2018 11:13

Was his crime related to harming children in some way?

Rudgie47 · 04/10/2018 11:15

If he kills himself that's upto him, its not your responsibility. I wouldn't worry and would stick to your guns. Hes nothing to do with you at all.

ittakes2 · 04/10/2018 11:15

It would depend entirely on the crime. But sadly, if everyone took the view that they don't want to have anything to do with family who have been in prison...you can see why ex prisoners feel lonely and become repeat offenders.

Fairenuff · 04/10/2018 11:17

So he went to prison for blackmail and now he is blackmailing your dh by saying he will kill himself if his family don't want anything to do with him.

He hasn't changed much has he. I think he is still a risk to children tbh and would be very surprised if my own dh would want contact with his brother under those circumstances.

twoshedsjackson · 04/10/2018 11:18

I can understand your brother's feelings of family loyalty, but it is possible that one of the conditions of his release is no contact with children, and being placed on the Sex Offender's Register. (In a case to which I had some distant connection, one condition was that the man concerned was never allowed in a building where children might be present, e.g. schools, youth clubs etc.)
In that case, you can put it to your husband that the matter is out of your hands, because of your DD.
If it's a financial offence, the situation is less clear-cut, but if he was smart enough to pull off something which earned him 7.5 years in prison (with good behaviour remission, that probably means he started off with a tariff of 15) he's smart enough to hoodwink your goodhearted husband. "Hate the sin but not the sinner" is a fine principle, but his first consideration should be to his own family.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 04/10/2018 11:20

YANBU.

From what you've said you're not expecting your DH to go NC with his brother, you're just making it clear that you and your DC will not be having any contact with him and you don't want him in your home. This is a completely reasonable stance to take given that this man has been convicted of a criminal offence sufficiently serious to warrant a 7.5 year prison sentence.

Feefeetrixabelle · 04/10/2018 11:22

I think you have to set your stall out firmly. You will support your dh because it’s his choice to support his brother. And there is growing evidence that a supportive family does prevent reoffending. However he is not to come near you or your dd. and as for any emotional blackmail I would support your husband to give him one warning the first time he does it and then for him to walk away. I would encourage your dh to tell him if he reoffends in any way shape or form he will never see or hear from him again.

I would also have the agreement with your dh that if he adds him on social media it will be limited so he can’t see interactions with you/ photos of your children. And that he won’t receive any information/ photos on you/ your dc. Ie. So it would fine for your dh to say oh Fred was in his nativity last week he played a cracking donkey. It would not be ok to say he’s in his nativity at st michaels or to show photos.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/10/2018 11:25

I think you need to know exactly what he has done.

Santaclarita · 04/10/2018 11:30

I would tell him to go fuck himself to be honest. No way would i talk to a child abuser willingly. If he wants to off himself, that's his choice. He won't anyway, he's too selfish.

He broke his probation rules too. That tells you everything, there's no remorse. There's no wanting to change. He probably thinks he was right. He wasn't. He's disgusting.

Gersemi · 04/10/2018 11:30

Child abuse and blackmail? Why would anyone want someone like this in their lives?

And it sounds very much as if the suicide threat is just another variation of the blackmail.

UnknownStuntman · 04/10/2018 11:30

If he kills himself, then who really is bothered that another (what seems to be a) paedophile is dead? If he has reoffended as per your update, then he really shouldn't be anywhere near a child. Your husband must understand that.

Mitzimaybe · 04/10/2018 11:40

Do you know what was involved in the breach of his parole terms? (I don't mean you should tell us, but do you know yourself?) If he couldn't keep on the straight and narrow when he was released on parole, how on earth does your DH think he will do it now? The parole breach puts a different spin on it. I do believe that everyone deserves a second chance but he blew that when he breached his parole imo.

I think you are perfectly reasonable to say that your DH can see him if he wants and support him in any way which does not involve BIL having contact with you and your DD. There's no way I'd want to play happy families with him.

SummerGems · 04/10/2018 11:47

For those saying that it will have originally been a fifteen year sentence, no it won’t. There is a threshold where half a sentence is served and beyond that there is a minimum sentence. If he served 7.5 years then the sentence is likely to have been around that level esp if he went back in after violating his parole.

That doesn’t mean fwiw that a 7.5 year sentence isn’t serious, it most definitely is, but it won’t have started out as a fifteen year sentence.

Also, the OP hasn’t said that he was a child abuser. There seems to be some implication, but given the OP doesn’t actually know I think it’s unfair to speculate at this point.

OP, a 7.5 year sentence is serious, so you need to find out first and foremost what his crime was and what the conditions of his parole were that he broke. Also whether there are any conditions set for his release i.e. if his sentence relates to a crime against children will he likely be barred from contact with them anyway. If so then this will be much easier to deal with in terms of his contact with your DD..

If not, then it’s more difficult as A, your DH is his brother and presumably closest surviving relative, and blood attachments can be complicated plus people do change and your DH may legitimately want a relationship with his brother - a relationship which has been lost for the past seven years. Also, as your DD’s father he may want his DD to have a relationship with him, and if his crime wasn’t against children or violent in nature then simply arguing that you want your dd to have nothing to do with him isn’t as straightforward.

But first and foremost you need to find out exactly what the crime was and go from there.

Ellie56 · 04/10/2018 11:48

YANBU. I too would refuse to play happy families with BIL. Would he be so keen if you didn't have DD? )

He can expect all he likes, but I would assume if the offences he committed related to children, then he will be subject to various restrictions on release anyway.

As others have said, I think you need to find out exactly what he went to prison for initially, and how he broke the terms of his probation, (which doesn't look good in itself, and shows he was not committed to changing his behaviour.)

Original poster

PassMeTheBeer · 04/10/2018 12:02

He broke his probation by trying to contact his ex (mother of his children) which he knew he shouldn't have done but did out of desperation for seeing his kids I suppose I don't know if there are any restrictions on his release this time as he has done his whole time. He is already on the register tho

OP posts:

SummerGems · 04/10/2018 12:14

Ah ok. Well if he’s on the sex offenders register then it’s a no-brainer, but does make things much easier for you in that you can simply say that you will not have your DD being exposed to someone on the SOR. The end.

YourHandInMyHand · 04/10/2018 12:26

HOW can you not know what he was convicted of?!

7.5 years is a pretty good chunk of prison time, he must have done something very serious. That coupled with the vague information of kids and blackmail involved sounds grim.

Your DP needs to make it clear what relationship BIL will be having upon release, both with his brother and with you and any kids you have. I'd not want this man in my home or around my child.

The fact he's broken bail, is expecting life to carry on like before he committed his crime, and that he's manipulative and has been known to threaten suicide I'd be running for the hills.

I'd take advice from your local SS. Call their safeguarding department and ask about your concerns regarding your BIL. You should be able to be given info on his convictions and what any terms he will have upon release, as well as their professional point of view regarding safeguarding any dcs you have.

Original poster

PassMeTheBeer · 04/10/2018 12:32

thanks everyone. I guess I knew what I needed to do, just needed other opinions to confirm!

OP posts:

Mickeysminnie2 · 04/10/2018 12:41

How long have you been with your husband? Did you know your bill before he went to prison. I don't buy for a second that your husband doesn't know exactly what his brother did. If he has been supporting him all this time he or his parents will probably have gone to court with him.
The lack of honesty would mean I would avoid him like a plague.

GabsAlot · 04/10/2018 12:45

the sex offenders register? then no have nothing to do with him

i dont know why your dh wants to either but thats his prerogative you dont have to welvome him back

Nanny0gg · 04/10/2018 12:56

Are you still in touch with your SiL?

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