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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want anything to do with my BIL?

62 replies

PassMeTheBeer · 04/10/2018 10:21

My BIL has been in prison for 7.5 years for reasons still fairly unclear (I kind of don't want to know all the details as what I do know disgusts me but it wasn't assault/burglary or the like). He is coming out soon and wants to be part of our family but I can't bring myself to talk to him let alone have contact with me and my DD. DH has supported him while being in prison, and initially I did to support my DH but as time has gone on I really resent him. We have had so much go on in the 7.5 years that could've been made easier with his support, mainly due to their parents (who have both died in the last 2.5 years) and obviously he hasn't been here but expects all the sympathy from the very limited people that do still speak to him. DH knows my feelings on BIL but pretty much every time we try and speak about him, it ends up with a row. He says that his brother is the only family he has left so needs him, I disagreed as I thought me and DD were supposed to be family. I'm not stopping DH from having the contact he needs with BIL but I just don't want him thinking we can be a happy family with him involved. Sorry if this makes no sense, I just feel so angry with BIL as he has such a hold on DH (my DH is too nice for his own good)!

OP posts:
Rebellia · 04/10/2018 13:01

You can insist that BIL is not allowed in your home and is not allowed a relationship with your dd.

You cannot, however, insist that your dh sever all contact with his brother. That would be unreasonable and controlling - it's not your decision.

Whatever my brother did, I would still love him and want him to be a part of my life, and I would not take kindly to my dh trying to stop me from seeing him.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 04/10/2018 13:05

Your DH needs to give his brother a heads up that everything is not going to be rosy when he gets out. He should tell him that he will be there for him but it won't include you or DD.

Unfinishedkitchen · 04/10/2018 13:06

If your DH wants to stay in touch fine, but you don’t have to be involved and if I were you I’d keep DD well out of it too becuase if he served 7.5 he was sentenced to at least double which means it was a terrible crime.

You don’t get 16 years for a couple of driving offences.

Aprilislonggone · 04/10/2018 13:11

My neighbour only did 6 years for manslaughter.
If he is on the register then obviously dd is out of the picture full stop. Wouldn't have much respect for my dh if he wanted to see him either. Brother or not.

Rudgie47 · 04/10/2018 13:20

He'll have a release plan drawn up by the Probation Officer and if hes on the SOR and has committed child abuse he will be told to go nowhere near children anyway.
OP, You can contact the Probation Office that hes under and tell them you want him told that hes not to try to contact you or you child under any circumstances. You can speak to them in confidence.

mamas12 · 04/10/2018 13:30

Right ok your dh needs to inform his brother of all the rules when he gets out before he is released so he knows what's what therefore avoiding any potential face to face conflicts
There will be a definite line drawn and if he crosses it you will report him
Your dh needs to absolutely know that too

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 04/10/2018 13:43

Totally hear you OP. I'm with @Rudgie47 and @mamas12.

cheesefield · 04/10/2018 13:48

If it is anything to do with indecent images of children I would let DP know that if BIL EVER sets foot in my house or is allowed to see my child you will be filing for divorce that same day.

No discussion. And I would tell BIL the exact same thing if DP is too afraid to so he know's the score.

13Crows · 04/10/2018 15:09

Look at online newspapers from the area he lived, type his name in to find articles about his crimes. This is also a good website, searchable by name or area

theukdatabase.com

Troels · 04/10/2018 15:28

I'd say BIL can go whistle if he thinks I'd be having any contact or allowing him near my kids. He's delusional if he thinks you'l be playing happy families.
He says that his brother is the only family he has left so needs him
Your Dh can say what he likes, if my Dh told me this, then you can be sure I'd let him know that BIL will be his only family left as me and the kids would be gone.

Lonelynessie · 04/10/2018 15:43

I'd have absolutely nothing to do with him and I'd expect my dh to do the same. I'd seriously consider my marriage if my dh wouldn't/couldn't cut him off because I wouldn't be able to be around anyone that can ignore such crimes. I'd also question my dh's judgement and probably wouldn't be able to trust him to make the right decisions to keep our child safe.

anniehm · 04/10/2018 16:36

Your dh maintaining contact with him by phone call and a drink every so often is to be expected, he is his brother whatever he's done and he's served his time - however there's no reason why you should be forced to have contact at least at first - these things tend to work themselves out in the long run

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