Was this Rape? (possible trigger?)

[BacktoNeverland]

First post here so be gentle but I want to know if you think IABU to consider this as rape…

Few years back, seeing a boy, early stages (around 1-2 months)
He kept asking for sex but I kept saying no, over and over again, as I felt like it could be a potential relationship and I didn’t want to ‘ruin’ it by sleeping together too soon (tbf this should have been my first warning but hey ho, young and stupid I guess)
I stayed round his house a couple times, but I stuck to my guns and only kissing/cuddling happened.
There was then a night out at the local pub with friends, he kept buying me drinks but we were all pretty drunk and having a good night, fast forward to the end and I’m back at his, he has given me a joint (I don’t usually smoke so this knocked me for 6 on top of the alcohol) I’m so high/drunk I don’t even remember going to bed.
Wake up and he tells me we had ‘sex’ when we got into bed.

I’m not looking to use this thread as a means to prosecute, it’s just something that’s always played on my mind since it happened and I would like some opinions as I’ve not openly shared it to people in my life. I feel because we were seeing each other and I stayed at his – I can see why he may feel I consented to this?? shortly after this I stopped seeing him as I felt betrayed. I would just like to know if you would class this as rape? Because I had said multiple times while sober I didn’t want to sleep together until we were ‘official’, but he waited until I was completely inebriated to take his chance when I couldn’t even keep my eyes open.

Thanks for reading

Its difficult because you don't remember.

You could have been really up for it at the time (probably because of the alcohol and joint which you willingly took), and consented OR you could have been completely out of it and unable to consent. Without being able to remember, it's difficult to judge.

If the OP was so drunk and high that she couldn't remember then I suspect that she would have been too inebriated to be able to consent to sex. (We can't know so there's nothing to gain by reporting it, as I said earlier.)

I've been drunk a number of times in my life, but I've never had no memory of what went on. So she would have had to be almost comatose, and if that was the case, then it would have been rape.

But we actually don't even know that sex took place at all.

Smellyoulateralligator

Of course it's ridiculous. Because where do you draw the line?
She had a medical procedure under sedation so to cover themselves, the hospital says she is not able to make rational decisions or give consent (buying things) for some time thereafter.

How does this apply equally to someone who has been drunk or stoned? At what point could we all wriggle out of a credit card transaction and say 'oops sorry- was a bit hung over.' Or 'sorry, can't be held responsible or give consent because I'm getting over smoking dope from last night.'

FGS.

BacktoNeverland

I'm so sorry that you have been through this

May I suggest that you might want to try to speak to someone who might be able to help you?

rapecrisis.org.uk/ Freephone 0808 802 9999

I would trust a recognised charity over anonymous forum users (with who knows what agenda) - but of course trust yourself first.

OP consistently said no to sex and that she wanted to wait. Her boyfriend had no reasonable expectation of consent.
If you give someone mind altering rugs to lower their inhibition so you can have sex with them, that is not gaining consent.

Hello - I work in a university support service and very recently received training from the police about consent. Just to be clear, if you’re too drunk/ inebriated to consent then courts would see that as no capacity to consent. Recent legislation makes this very clear and not complex at all. You couldn’t consent. The fact that you can’t remember only backs this up. The fact that you had previously very clear adds to this, but the fact of the matter stands, you couldn’t give consent.

I’m sorry that you have been left in doubt about this, and that you ever experienced this. Milkyteas video about tea and consent is used at our uni to inform all students about this law.

I think it sounds like a bad situation and a not good guy but I don't think it was rape - no.

The only analogy I can think of is this; a friend repeatedly asks to borrow money from you and you say no. You get drunk and stoned and they ask you again and you agree and give them the money. You wouldn't have given them the money if you were sober - bad friend? Yes Thief? No
If on the other hand they waited until you were asleep / unconscious and helped themselves to money from your wallet then they are clearly stealing.

Surf does the person in your analogy remember giving the friend money when they were stoned and drunk?

Queen hospitals don’t say that ‘to cover themselves (I won’t call your post ridiculous )

It is said because someones judgment / decision making may be impaired post op after anaesthesia / sedatives / opiates etc. Drugs and alcohol can affect capacity. And capacity is central to consent 🤷‍♀️

If you give someone mind altering rugs to lower their inhibition so you can have sex with them, that is not gaining consent.

So where is the evidence that he offered her a joint with intent?
She hasn't said there was any suggestion of that.

Where do you draw the line? In RL as opposed to the Wisdom of MN, if a man buys a woman and drink and she willingly accepts it, at what point would a jury decide he had plied her with drink simply to get her unconscious so he could have sex?

This happened years ago the OP said , when she was young and a bit foolish. She didn't know how much drink she could take and got drunk along with experimenting with dope.

She wasn't injected and she wasn't given rohypnol.

I think it's absolutely terrible this 'trial by MN' is going on with people bending the facts as told by the OP to make their case and find this bloke guilty.

WE don't know. In English law someone is innocent until proven guilty. No one here has the facts to make that call. But neither can we say the OP behaved responsibly.

The first two lines of my post above are a quote from a poster.

If you give someone mind altering rugs to lower their inhibition so you can have sex with them, that is not gaining consent.

I am fully aware of the way things work after GAs- I've had several.