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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for some space from PIL after baby is born?

68 replies

ForLikeEver · 03/10/2018 21:08

I’d like some honest feedback, but please do be kind!

Parents in law are very overbearing and controlling, especially so over my husband (he’s one of four). They have always been like this. Husband is such a nice guy that he doesn’t ever want to disappoint them, which perpetuates our situation. He also would rather avoid things, so ignores it instead of being honest. I totally understand why he acts like this, but really feel it contributes to the problem.

We get continually harassed by my in laws with texts, phone calls, FaceTime calls and for visits (numerous times a day every weekend and the days in between). We obviously keep in touch with them, but try and keep it to a reasonable limit and not get trapped into something regular (for example, they want to read a facetime story to our toddler every night - we don’t want this to happen). It’s getting worse as my pregnancy goes on (almost 38 weeks) and will ramp up more when the second baby is here. MIL really made me feel really harassed after the birth of my first child - she wouldn’t leave me alone.

Am I being unreasonable to not want them to come and visit for the weekend for at least four weeks after our second baby is born? They will insist on spending the whole weekend with us, will expect to be entertained the whole time and won’t have any regard for our privacy and routines we have/are trying to establish.

With my first child, MIL would interfere with breastfeeding (including uncovering me when I had purposefully covered to feed), tell me I should be doing better with my recovery (I was very ill for many months after c section due to complications) and contact me many times a day demanding pictures, FaceTime calls and saying that “you must call me”. This time around I want to embrace the current postpartum trend for 2 weeks of serious relaxation and recovery, where possible - I just want to pull the drawbridge up and adjust to being a mum of two/a family of four. Am I being unreasonable?

Also, what can I do in this situation without upsetting the in laws? They are not nasty people, they just expect far too much and don’t listen to things that go against what they want to do. Their expectations aside, we actually get on well. I don’t want to hurt them, I just want them to be realistic and let us have a bit of freedom to live our lives.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/10/2018 21:14

Your only option is to lay down the law and stick to it. If they don't like it, too bad. Your life is not for them to dictate and you are not responsible for how they choose to react to a very reasonable request. It's high time you grow a backbone and stand up for yourself because they can only control you if you allow it.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/10/2018 21:14

Could you say “it might just be my hormones but I’m feeling suffocated. I really need you to back off for a bit. Thank you for understanding.”

Iamnotacerealkiller · 03/10/2018 21:16

yrnbu

We insisted on two weeks before we had any visitors mainly to control expectations. I think we did allow a couple of people to visit before that but it meant we could decide.

You need to get your husband on your side especially as they are his parents otherwise he may just give in to them or tell you that you are being unreasonable at a a difficult time where you may feel less able to say no (like after the birth)

Once you have him on side it is really his job to set up boundaries with his parents.

Alternatively just lock the doors and turn out the lights :)

Hassled · 03/10/2018 21:17

Does your DH realise quite how strongly you feel and quite how unhappy/suffocated their behaviour makes you feel? If not - spell it out in words of one syllable, if that's what he needs. He needs to talk to them.

Kolo · 03/10/2018 21:19

I tried to please my MIL by letting her come and stay with us for 3 weeks after my first child was born. Our relationship has never recovered from the horror of that time. I wish I’d have been firmer at the time and told her no, and to give me some space, which might mean we’d have gotten on better since.

So no, I don’t think YABU at all.

Heatherjayne1972 · 03/10/2018 21:20

Boundaries firm immovable boundaries
You and dh need to be on the same page here
Don’t tell them baby has arrived until you’re home again
Phone / computer off. Door locked and curtains drawn

Get dh to say they can stay for x time on x day and that's all
And then be busy/ out lots
lower the contact with them
They’ll probably complain and push hard but this is your baby your rules

LoopyLou1981 · 03/10/2018 21:20

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You’re the one recovering and you’re the one with the tiny person relying on you.
I do think, however, that if you’re going to make that rule it has to be for everyone. You can’t tell your in-laws no visits for 4 weeks then allow your family or friends to visit instead x

PillowOfSociety · 03/10/2018 21:22

A FaceTime story every night? That’s MAD.

Does your DH agree with you? I think you just have to be very direct but gentle. Just say “we love the way you want to be in touch every day but it just isn’t possible for us to fit this in every day in a busy routine, so we need to keep the story to Sunday afternoons”. And then, TURN YOUR PHONE OFF or don’t answer. Then say ‘oh, yes, that’s what we mean by busy, Dc splashed water / made a mess / was overtired and needing a cuddle and the phone wakes him up / fell asleep
So I turned phone off’ until they get the picture.

I would let them come a bit sooner but for one night. Your DH has to be firm, “one night is enough at tne moment we are a bit fragile” and he has to be equipped and ready with phrases. “Let’s give LikeFor some privacy / let’s take toddler to park and create some peace and quiet for LikeFor.” “Mum, she knows what she’s doing and she’s tired, we need to give LikeFor some space “.

You too. If you do get on Well, just laugh and say “Ok all of you, I’m using my New Mum Perogative and saying I need you all to leave me in peace “. Laugh and say “I know, I did this 2 years ago, I’m not a beginner!”.

sexnotgender · 03/10/2018 21:26

That's suffocating!

They want to read your toddler a story every night? No sorry, they've had their turn reading bedtime stories. It's your turn now, that's such precious time with a child and they are stealing it from you.

Uncovering you while you're feeding? I'd have smacked her hands away.

You need to put boundaries up and your husband needs to back you up.

Batteriesallgone · 03/10/2018 21:28

Is it just your DH they are overbearing towards or all four kids?

Any other grandkids?

How did his siblings and partners deal with them?

Holidayshopping · 03/10/2018 21:30

Does your DH know just how suffocated you feel? Is he 100% behind you?

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2018 21:41

I'm not entirely sure why you worry about upsetting them as they clearly don't care about you at all.

Set out your stall now and make sure your DH is on your side.

CitrusFruit9 · 03/10/2018 21:49

One word - boundaries!

They sound incredibly demanding. You need to be clear and say what amount of contact is acceptable to you and ignore them the rest of the time. If they breach that, for example by coming round or persistently calling, double the gap between the next contact time. They will soon get the point.

It is a shame your H will not step up to deal with his parents but if he will not then I'm afraid you have to.

SillySallySingsSongs · 03/10/2018 21:51

I do think, however, that if you’re going to make that rule it has to be for everyone. You can’t tell your in-laws no visits for 4 weeks then allow your family or friends to visit instead x

I agree with that.

Original poster
ForLikeEver · 03/10/2018 21:54

Husband and I are totally both on the same page. He knows how I feel and he feels quite similar. We find we usually have to think of an excuse “we are out right now so can’t facetime, sorry” instead of saying this weekend isn’t convenient for us so it will have to be another time.

We don’t give in to them, but I’m sick of saying sorry and making excuses. I come from a very different background - only child, single parent - so have no problems setting boundaries myself. In-laws know this and go straight to husband! They aren’t like it in exactly the same way with the other 3 kids, but then they have stronger (and more self-orientated) personalities. There are two other grandchildren to two other siblings.

Thanks for the different tips and approaches. I am determined to sort this out once and for all. Actually going to sit down and write a plan with DH so we stick to it!

OP posts:
Original poster
ForLikeEver · 03/10/2018 21:57

@LoopyLou81 @SillySallySingsSongs Agreed. My mum lives quite close by and she has already been told we need space and she totally understood. In-laws live 3/4 hours away so their visit would be the most epic.

OP posts:
LolaPickle · 03/10/2018 21:59

If you mean, them waiting for four weeks to meet their grandchild...I think it would be nicer to involve them earlier than that (especially if you will be having other visitors round to meet the new baby)
People are excited to meet new babies and bring presents etc

But there is no way the visit should last all weekend. Id invite them for a couple of hours. and give them a time to leave so you can rest. I would tell them in advance 'a couple of hours visit max, as we aren't getting much sleep..I am sure you understand?'....really there is no arguing with that (unless they are proper arseholes)

Original poster
ForLikeEver · 03/10/2018 22:02

@Pillowofsociety I like the idea of turning our phones off. Do feel it cuts us off from other people that are much more well meaning though. Don’t think they could even come for one night and DH tell them to give me space. He would say it, they would ignore it. For example, MIL ‘going upstairs to the loo’ when really she is coming to find me and baby. Did this last time. Tries to do it when we are putting child 1 to sleep/or goes into his room at night and tickles under his chin because she wants him to be awake. She really knows no boundaries!

OP posts:
PillowOfSociety · 03/10/2018 22:02

Do they have any other friends or relatives who live near you that they could stay with?

Original poster
ForLikeEver · 03/10/2018 22:05

@LolaPickles
They live 3/4 hours away so always like to spend the night (they don’t want to get up early and travel). We will of course send some pictures (not 10 a day as MIL asks), call them and have the odd facetime call when it suits us (me not feeling like poo/breastfeeding/able to brush my hair!). Also, they won’t justvstayvfor a few hours, no matter what we say.

OP posts:
gallicgirl · 03/10/2018 22:07

As we like to say around here, NO is a complete sentence. Start practicing it.

I suspect you or preferably your DH will have to be quite blunt and point out that whatever the GPs are demanding doesn't work for you.

PillowOfSociety · 03/10/2018 22:07

I would actually give her a mouthful if she woke a sleeping baby or child.

That is totally out of order. As is marauding into your bedroom if you have retreated with the baby.

That kind of boundary trespass deserves a quite sharp response.

I did find the whole family thing a bit overwhelming, my Mum coming to stay, but she would have got very short shrift if she had done anything like that!

DPotter · 03/10/2018 22:10

Good news you and DH agree. Good idea to have a plan for keeping the boundaries in place and strong - maybe include some phrases he can fall back on, eg I'll have to check that by Forlike' when asked if they can come a stay.

As PP mentioned - don't be worried about upsetting them - they don't seem to give a stuff about upsetting you, and for people like this you do need to be absolutely clear, and give no wriggle room. Don't negotiate - your decision is final. Might be worth working out a phrase you can say as well, eg "You do realise don't you, that the more you push for visits, facetime, etc, the more we will say no" or "you have got to be joking".

Other pp have said it would be unreasonable to stop them visiting for 4 weeks, without applying this to everyone - however I think you are saying they would be staying with you in your home. I think it is perfectly reasonable to say you will not be hosting anyone in your home for 4 weeks after the baby's birth - they can visit for the day prior to that, but no overnight stays, no meals provided and you will expect drinks, and odd jobs done for you by visitors. Also introduce 'visiting hours', eg no one before 11, go by 12.30 as that's our lunch, then afternoon session 2-4 and no evenings visits at all, oh and definitely no meals. I know I said this before, but it's worth saying again.
Agree that plan for action with your DH

DarlingNikita · 03/10/2018 22:11

MIL would interfere with breastfeeding (including uncovering me when I had purposefully covered to feed)
tell me I should be doing better with my recovery
contact me many times a day demanding pictures, FaceTime calls
MIL ‘going upstairs to the loo’ when really she is coming to find me and baby… Tries to do it when we are putting child 1 to sleep/or goes into his room at night and tickles under his chin because she wants him to be awake.

For any one of these things I'd have thrown them out of my house and not had them back. And blocked their numbers. You and more importantly your DH need to toughen up.

dinosaurkisses · 03/10/2018 22:14

Your DH needs to step up his game- I'd be mortified in my parents made a nuisance of themselves while my husband was recovering from major surgery AND getting to grips with becoming a dad. He should be dealing with this, not you.

If his siblings have children can he speak to them about how they enforce boundaries with their parents?

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