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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for some space from PIL after baby is born?

68 replies

ForLikeEver · 03/10/2018 21:08

I’d like some honest feedback, but please do be kind!

Parents in law are very overbearing and controlling, especially so over my husband (he’s one of four). They have always been like this. Husband is such a nice guy that he doesn’t ever want to disappoint them, which perpetuates our situation. He also would rather avoid things, so ignores it instead of being honest. I totally understand why he acts like this, but really feel it contributes to the problem.

We get continually harassed by my in laws with texts, phone calls, FaceTime calls and for visits (numerous times a day every weekend and the days in between). We obviously keep in touch with them, but try and keep it to a reasonable limit and not get trapped into something regular (for example, they want to read a facetime story to our toddler every night - we don’t want this to happen). It’s getting worse as my pregnancy goes on (almost 38 weeks) and will ramp up more when the second baby is here. MIL really made me feel really harassed after the birth of my first child - she wouldn’t leave me alone.

Am I being unreasonable to not want them to come and visit for the weekend for at least four weeks after our second baby is born? They will insist on spending the whole weekend with us, will expect to be entertained the whole time and won’t have any regard for our privacy and routines we have/are trying to establish.

With my first child, MIL would interfere with breastfeeding (including uncovering me when I had purposefully covered to feed), tell me I should be doing better with my recovery (I was very ill for many months after c section due to complications) and contact me many times a day demanding pictures, FaceTime calls and saying that “you must call me”. This time around I want to embrace the current postpartum trend for 2 weeks of serious relaxation and recovery, where possible - I just want to pull the drawbridge up and adjust to being a mum of two/a family of four. Am I being unreasonable?

Also, what can I do in this situation without upsetting the in laws? They are not nasty people, they just expect far too much and don’t listen to things that go against what they want to do. Their expectations aside, we actually get on well. I don’t want to hurt them, I just want them to be realistic and let us have a bit of freedom to live our lives.

OP posts:
Cuddlykitten123 · 03/10/2018 22:15

Put yours and your kids needs first. You won't have time for this nonsense with 2 kids....
Answer 1 call/text a day. Practice your breeezey 'sorry what was it you needed, just I need to get xyz sorted....' responce to the next 2 calls. Ignore all further calls.

Book them into a hotel when they visit and then casually ask if they are staying for a takeaway or do they want you to book them a cab at bedtime.

LexieLulu · 03/10/2018 22:20

You could put your phone on do not disturb? Turn it back on at your own convenience and answer to those who you want to then turn it back on. Their calls will be diverted x

LolaPickle · 03/10/2018 22:20

But you said you had no issue setting boundaries OP, but then say they will pretty much demand to stay the night..well stand firm

I say it is fair if you invite them but make it clear they cant stay. then they could go in a hotel or drive home, their choice and defo not your problem. it would be too much to expect to be a house guest with anyone who has a new born. It is too much

If they defo wont just visit, i wouldnt have them in the house either tbh

DPotter · 03/10/2018 22:21

Crossed with your latest post.

Please toughen up - for the sake of your sanity. Use other people to help you - your Mum, midwife, your DH's siblings, anyone. Don't let them stay, lay down the rules - (no looking for me when I'm feeding the baby) and the consequences 'if you do, I will ask you to leave the house. I mean it.'

You and your DH are going to have to become comfortable or at the very minimum resigned to the fact you will 'upset' them. I think you need to start with the rules and consequences now - spelling them out to the PIL. With any luck, they take umbrage and go non contact! Probelm solved

SaltyPeanut · 03/10/2018 22:22

"including uncovering me when I had purposefully covered to feed"

You must be saintly in your level of niceness because I would go fucking apeshit at that right there.

Your MIL is overbearing and obnoxious in the extreme. I don't know how you can tolerate her in your home. I'd be meeting PIL in public only in your circumstances, given they don't appear to understand the meaning of the word boundaries.

Best of luck, you sound like you're going to need it.

Missingstreetlife · 03/10/2018 22:25

Why are you pussyfooting around? They are so rude, obviously will not understand unless you are very direct and blunt.

Just say they can't come because their behaviour is outrageous and you can't deal with it. Unless they stick to the rules they are not welcome. Let them stay nearby and meet them for lunch if you can cope. You have to seriously up your game on boundaries, none of this treating the same as your mum,she is not behaving like a lunatic!

timeisnotaline · 03/10/2018 22:26

Don’t turn your phone off then, just block their numbers for 24 h etc. Can you put a bolt on any internal doors so mil can’t go upstairs? Crazy I know and means no one else can till you unbolt it... and have reasons for everyone to leave when you want them to leave - visiting someone (might not go down well), fake medical appt if a weekday is a good one, dh crowding them out the door as he goes to the shop or drives around to get baby to sleep...

Original poster
ForLikeEver · 03/10/2018 22:27

It’s all reached a head. I am fully aware that we have to upset them somewhat, even if it is because of their own unreasonable demands/behaviour. I’m not willing to take the situation forward when second child is here. We moved out of the city (which happens to be where they live) for a better life and the physical distance has made MIL more intense in one way. Just wish there was an easier way.

OP posts:
PeakTrans · 03/10/2018 22:29

What happened?

Original poster
ForLikeEver · 03/10/2018 22:31

I also know that they are going to make a HUGE deal out of it, probably bad mouth us to the rest of their family who we get on really well with. I personally couldn’t give a sh*t if they do, but it would really hurt my husband.

OP posts:
quizqueen · 03/10/2018 22:32

They behave like this because you have allowed it, So, stop the entertaining and preparing meals for them- tell them to go and do your shopping and cook for you so you can rest, stop answering their calls - more than 2/3 times a week is enough- tell them they can read a story occasionally when they visit, tell her if she touches you inappropriately again it will be the last time they will be invited to stay etc.

Original poster
ForLikeEver · 03/10/2018 22:33

@PeakTrans Nothing has happened with PIL yet. I meant it’s all reached a head for me and DH. We are bored of worrying about it and talking about it. Need to firm up our plan and stick to it.

OP posts:
SPR1107 · 03/10/2018 22:42

I don't think you do have to upset them. We have a big family and lots of friends, so when DS was born, my husband sent out a text to everyone that basically said.. we know you want to visit but we need to set arranged times so that we don't have to many people come at once, and we get a chance to ha e time on our own.

Could DH send a text to all the family saying something like..

'We are looking forward to introducing the new baby to you all soon, however, we want to try and keep everything as normal as possible for toddler and keep them in their routine, as this will be a transition for toddler too. So can I ask that if you would like to visit that you give me a shout, this way I can make sure that we don't have any other visitors, and that the time suits'

Or something like that. I would to be fair grin and bear them coming down for one weekend, but when they say they're coming I would get DH to ask them to take toddler out for a day to make them feel special, and make it seem like you're asking them for their 'help', it gives toddler a treat and gets them out your house for a few hours too! Then every other weekend they try and come you can use the original text as an excuse saying other people are coming

DPotter · 03/10/2018 22:42

If you're concerned they will bad mouth you to family - get in there first. Explain the situation, acknowledge they will be upset, but this is how things will be. People will know and if they're worth it, they'll understand, they may even help, although you can't count on that.

jcsp · 03/10/2018 22:43

"I also know that they are going to make a HUGE deal out of it, probably bad mouth us to the rest of their family who we get on really well with. "

Could you warn some of your Husband's siblings and get them on side or better still have a discrete word with your PIL beforehand?

Good idea to have an internal bolt on your bedroom.

This thread makes me realise how fortunate I was with my PIL. (Although they did turn up mid labour with child no.1)

crimsonlake · 03/10/2018 22:44

I do not get this current trend for keeping visitors away, especially close family. A birth in the family is really exciting to everyone and people want to see the new born. Put yourselves in the in laws shoes , would you be happy if your children turn round and say you cannot visit for x amount of time? That said if they live close by I can see no reason why they would need to stay over even for one night, that is certainly too much too expect. Let them come for a short visit to see the newborn but make it clear it is not to stay the night.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 03/10/2018 22:46

You poor person! They sound like a nightmare.

Keep putting them off. So what if they are upset? I think if people are overbearing/selfish then them being upset is usually a good sign, that you are protecting yourself!

SPR1107 · 03/10/2018 22:51

I don't think it's a trend @crimsonlake just that some family and friends are too full on. With DS, he was 11 weeks old before we had one day without a visitor. In those early days, if you've had a rubbish night sleep or are a bit tender and you all want to slob around in your bedroom for the day.. you shouldn't have to worry someone is going to appear at your front door

BerylStreep · 03/10/2018 22:53

I think you need to start being unavailable now, so they get used to the idea. Cut down Contact to twice a week max. Switch off phones, or get caller display on landline.

Onecreamteatoomany · 03/10/2018 22:56

Don't let them stay all weekend. I put my foot down and insisted in laws stayed in a hotel/b&b when I had my second child. They were expecting to sleep in our room and us to go on the sofa bed! They also like to be waited on hand and foot and will not even make a cup of tea when they visit. Restricting them to a hotel also meant we could say you can come round for 2 hours then we will need some time on our own.

Pitapotamus · 03/10/2018 23:20

Can you pitch it slightly positively. “We obviously really want you be be able to come up and see the new baby but slightly concerned about keeping things stable for toddler. Don’t want too much excitement/business in the house for a good few weeks. Particularly as it’s likely to be hectic enough with a toddler and new baby. We were thinking it might work really well if you stayed in a nearby hotel and then you could pop in for several short visits over the course of a weekend which keeps things nice and low key, don’t you think?”

We tried the “we don’t want any overnight staying visitors for at least a week” following the birth of our second. My in laws came for 2 nights on day 5 and mil is a very difficult house guest!

Ive always taken a long time to recover from birth and get the hang of breastfeeding each time. With our third we just told them which weekend to come up and paid for them to stay in a hotel, which I slightly resented having to pay for but it kept the peace and took the stress off us because it meant they weren’t in our house round the clock and we didn’t have to have a “conversation” about giving us space.

Original poster
ForLikeEver · 04/10/2018 00:05

@crimsonlake We fully understand that a new baby in the family is exciting. What my PIL don’t understand is that I need to recover from a c section, we have a toddler to adjust, breastfeeding to establish and generally be able to enjoy starting our new exciting chapter as a family of four. I don’t think it’s awful to ask for some space, especially when they are so overbearing. If they were able to come by for a few hours then there wouldn’t be a problem - instead they will push things to beyond what we can/are willing to manage.

OP posts:
CoolCarrie · 04/10/2018 00:07

They don’t care about your feelings so why should you care about theirs?
“It’s not convenient, we are very busy and NO “ are the words you and dh need to practise, don’t apologise to them, stick to your guns, and as pp said Get in first with anyone they might moan to. They are clearly people with no sense.
A friend of mine sorted her mil out after something like this happened to her, literally got her dh credit card and booked mil a travel lodge to get rid of her, it worked as my friend stood her ground.

Observatorycrest · 04/10/2018 07:04

Time for some boundaries to be set in general never mind when the new baby arrives. Your DH needs to put his big boy pants on and talk to them about their current expectations and tell them to stop demanding calls, FaceTime etc. It can be stressful to do this with your own parents. My OH had to have that convo with his and it wasn’t great tbh. Once he has had made that clear then it will be easier to advise that there will be no weekend stats etc.

Observatorycrest · 04/10/2018 07:04

Weekend stays even....

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