To ask for some space from PIL after baby is born?

[ForLikeEver]

I’d like some honest feedback, but please do be kind!

Parents in law are very overbearing and controlling, especially so over my husband (he’s one of four). They have always been like this. Husband is such a nice guy that he doesn’t ever want to disappoint them, which perpetuates our situation. He also would rather avoid things, so ignores it instead of being honest. I totally understand why he acts like this, but really feel it contributes to the problem.

We get continually harassed by my in laws with texts, phone calls, FaceTime calls and for visits (numerous times a day every weekend and the days in between). We obviously keep in touch with them, but try and keep it to a reasonable limit and not get trapped into something regular (for example, they want to read a facetime story to our toddler every night - we don’t want this to happen). It’s getting worse as my pregnancy goes on (almost 38 weeks) and will ramp up more when the second baby is here. MIL really made me feel really harassed after the birth of my first child - she wouldn’t leave me alone.

Am I being unreasonable to not want them to come and visit for the weekend for at least four weeks after our second baby is born? They will insist on spending the whole weekend with us, will expect to be entertained the whole time and won’t have any regard for our privacy and routines we have/are trying to establish.

With my first child, MIL would interfere with breastfeeding (including uncovering me when I had purposefully covered to feed), tell me I should be doing better with my recovery (I was very ill for many months after c section due to complications) and contact me many times a day demanding pictures, FaceTime calls and saying that “you must call me”. This time around I want to embrace the current postpartum trend for 2 weeks of serious relaxation and recovery, where possible - I just want to pull the drawbridge up and adjust to being a mum of two/a family of four. Am I being unreasonable?

Also, what can I do in this situation without upsetting the in laws? They are not nasty people, they just expect far too much and don’t listen to things that go against what they want to do. Their expectations aside, we actually get on well. I don’t want to hurt them, I just want them to be realistic and let us have a bit of freedom to live our lives.

Just say no. You aren't having another baby to please her. You are the mother, you do what you need to aid your recovery and if having your mum visit in the first week is helpful then do so and don't worry about crap like being fair or equal access for both sets of grandparents.

Blimey. I thought my PILs were bad for rocking up at 7.30 at night the day we got DS home and then not leaving til 10.30. It was a horrible 3 hours.

They aren't going to like it when you put boundaries in place so I'd start now before new baby arrives.
No more evening facetime- you're tired and need to read stories yourself so the DC1 doesn't feel pushed out when baby arrives. Put your phone on silent. Don't rely on your DH to protect you from them he did a rubbish job last time, Don't worry if you insult them sounds like MIL gives not a toss if she insults you.

If you’re having a section can you get them to visit when you’re still in hospital - they get to see baby and if you get midwives on side they can throw them out.
Then you won’t have the “ but we haven’t seen the new baby yet” whining, and if they suggest visiting and staying when you’re home you can say no its all too much for toddler me and new baby and midwives /health visitors have said we need a few weeks in our own to get into a routine. Rinse and repeat.
It might also be a good idea to make staying difficult by ensuring the nursery is set up and you don’t have anywhere for them to sleep etc.
Turn your phone off and text or message updates and photos once or twice a week and get dh to ring them once a week.
Get a bolt for your bedroom door, make your upstairs off limits (very difficult to use stair gate ?)
And also get dh to make it clear that any waking a sleeping baby for their entertainment will not be tolerated.

How about ..hi PIL ..I need to talk to you both how are you both? me I am not so good heres why.. ,,,I just need to vent,,i have just had a conversation with someone and it upset me and dh ..I know how much you love us and how you hate us to be upset. Anyway me and dh have been thinking how we are going to establish our routine for when the new baby comes ...here is what we have decided....fill in the blanks...we know you will understand as you have always had our best interests at heart ...we have decided that now we are a family of 4 we need to get ourselves organised and settled before we do anything,,,we obviously know it will take time for child 1 to get used to things so we think its for the best we take our time to slowly let child 1 get used to the fact.We have sought advice on this matter from various proffessionals and its lovely to see we and them appear to be on the same page and we know you will understand and support us as you always have...we will ring in a few days after the birth to let you know how its all going and then we would love you to come and visit...things are going to be very different this time for all of us and I know you will be glad we have thought this through and we can of course, it goes without saying know we can depend on you to be totally on board with us..after all we all want whats best for the new baby but also what is right for child1 ..they above all need to be quiet,involved and feel loved and secure which is our intention, so glad we have been able to have this chat to avoid any confusion ..we are very grateful of your support ,, we have just had this conversation with xyz and they didnt sound too happy with what we have decided but we know you will understand cos you are not unreasonable like them!! ..love you bye! something like that OP maybe ..nicely tell em how you are doing it your way ..leave no room for argument and make them feel you love them and their feelings too are upmost in your mind...complete bull shit but you never know...quietly and calmly does it ...cant see them being able to have many comebacks if they have any sense at all !!!

How long are you wanting them to wait before they see the baby?

God no. After recently having dc2 and adjusting to 2 under 2 after a c section it's been very up and down and I didn't want anyone under my feet expecting to be entertained and waited on whilst they played pass the baby and hype up the toddler.. then bugger off for the rest of the day.

I had 2 weeks of no visitors and it was absolutely bliss. It really helped my recovery and I found it much better physically and mentally than my first.

My parents in particular are the difficult ones and haven't spoken to me since. They've met my 8 week old once. But that's a whole other story!! So be prepared for backlash.

Good luck with everything.

I had an overbearning number of visitors with my first and it was awful, I hadn’t slept for 5 days after giving birth and my head was everywhere. With my second I decided that wasn’t happening again and took control, minimising visitors for the first few weeks.
I had severe anxiety after my second and was learning to breastfeed for the first time so this was even more important when she came.
My MIL was miffed and came anyway, so I let them see my DD then scooped her up and said “nap time” and we both went to my bedroom and stayed there peacefully till they left.
You are the one doing all the work, you are the one who gets to decide what’s best for you and your family

Do you ever go and visit them at the weekend? I'm just thinking that it would be easier to get away than them staying in your house!

I can understand you not wanting house guests for a few weeks but I also don't think it is fair to make them wait four weeks to meet the baby tbh. That is the tricky bit. Do any of your DH's siblings live near you?

Ideally, you would find a way of meeting them for a short period of time away from your house. Which is not ideal by any means, but would leave you free to get up and go when you want to, so if there is a third party who lives nearby that you could meet up at (and they could stay at!) then that would be an option.

Can you tell them to stay in a hotel instead of with you? Means you will still have some peace.

Good luck!

Do you ever go and visit them at the weekend?
This ^^ Could you arrange a short daytime visit to them soonish after the birth? I know it would be knackering with the travel time and all but at least you could decide when to leave and once you're home that's it, peace and quiet (landline unplugged, mobile on vibrate so your mum can contact you), one day of suffering for lots of peace.

The suggestions for visiting them would be good - however, we live a 3.5/4 hour drive away. Probably more when you factor in breastfeeding stops and toddler breaks. It’s just not manageable for us to do soon after the baby’s arrival.

Just say NO!! You don’t have to make up excuses either - No is a full sentence and you should use it whenever you want to.

Ahhh you poor thing, OP. I have parents like this and I discovered that the only way to me them behave is to kick off and shout, etc. They simply don't listen to nice, reasonable, polite me. I've tried several times over the years and they will simply encroach on my boundaries more and more until I once again lose my rag.

Thank you for all of your suggestions, input and opinions - it has been really helpful to see different perspectives in black and white. DH has also read the thread and found it really useful.

Me and DH had a long chat and we are going to write down what contact we think is reasonable going forward. Then we are going to tell PIL kindly, but firmly, so we can have a healthy relationship going forward. I think PIL would be upset if they knew we felt like this - not enough to change, but I don’t think they mean to be so unreasonable and offebsive. Most importantly we are going to stick to our guns, even if they are disappointed, angry, make a huge fuss. Our little family comes first.

We’re also going to make a note of some of the phrases people have offered - these are great, btw. I think the phrases will help DH when he gets flustered/feels under pressure. Also like the spinning into a positive tactic (“we know you want the best for us/are understanding of our needs”) - I never would have thought of that.

I’ve also worked out how to mute notifications and put a do not disturb on my phone - that will really help!

Thanks again for all your help.

That's great that you & DH remain on the same page. Glad you have both found the thread helpful

Live the language use above! Great idea

Sometimes the only way you can get your point across to some people is bare faced rudeness