Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my DP

58 replies

Abby1989 · 03/10/2018 11:44

So last night me and DP had a huge row.

We have a baby boy and live in a rented house that's quite small and I hate the way it's decorated. DP lived there before I moved in with him so I had no input on choosing it.

We earn good money (I'm on mat leave atm tho) between us (as in over £100k basic) and there's no reason for us to live in a too small, badly decorated house. We cant buy at the moment as he has missed payments from a few years ago when his ex gf used his credit card during a not very civil break up.

Anyway, he said we could move into a nicer house and he could afford a budget of X per month etc (as I'm on mat he is funding things until I go back to work) so we viewed this gorgeous house and then he said last night we need to see if we can afford it and he doesnt want to move somewhere more expensive with me if I'm not going to tidy up (I'm not awful btw! But having a newborn does mean on the odd day there's a little mess occasionally but cernatinly nothing bad!)

I got quite upset (I am still a ltitle hormonal) as in my head if he had doubts about moving for whatever reason this should have been addressed before we viewed houses and I fell in love with one. He said I'm not emotionally stable enough(!!!) to even have a conversation and therefore happy to let us lose the lovely house we found.

Who IBU here??

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 03/10/2018 11:51

It does make sense to stay somewhere cheaper at the moment

Original poster
Abby1989 · 03/10/2018 11:52

Northern - it's more the sudden change of heart after I've got my hopes up if that makes sense

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 03/10/2018 12:22

So if you behave as he wants, you get a decent house to live in, otherwise your feelings and the needs to you and your child, don't matter.

That's your issue. He thinks he's in control.

Rebecca36 · 03/10/2018 12:32

I say this tentatively - could you afford a cleaner for a couple of hours every week to ten days?

Original poster
Abby1989 · 03/10/2018 12:40

Birds - that's my worry - why does he get to call the shots shouldn't it be a joint decision? I just think if he doesn't want to move (or get in deeper with me as he said - although having a baby is pretty deep IMO) because I occasionally don't put my shoes in the cupboard or once in a while don't hoover he shouldn't have suggested we viewed houses in the first place!

Rebecca - yes we could, income is not an issue for us. His affordability 'calculator' in his head so speak isn't based on income - his argument is why spend more for a nice house if it's not going to be tidy. He has very high standards btw I just want to reiterate that whilst I'm not a clean freak I do keep things presentable and clean! In my head a pair of shoes in the hallway isn't the end of the world!

OP posts:
AngelsSins · 03/10/2018 12:41

He doesn’t see you as a team, he see’s you as below him. I hope you’re planning to go back to work after maternity leave ends.

YouBetterWORK · 03/10/2018 12:49

Wow, he does realise the baby will become a toddler right, and only shoes in the hallway will look like Buck Palace standards! This 'look what you could have had, but you didn't toe the line so you can't have it' - what a crock of infantilising shit. Who made him lord and master? Yep, make sure you go back after leave, and rent somewhere nice yourself, where he isn't invited.

melj1213 · 03/10/2018 12:55

Perhaps it was only when you looked at properties and he actually started doing the maths that he realised the actual cost? It's one thing to say "we can afford it" because you have £X left at the end of the month after expenses and another to realise that the £X will actually no longer be available if you move.

Also, I can see his logic - your current arguments for mess is that you have a baby and you hate the place so make no effort ... but where is the guarantee anything would change when you move? What would be the point spending extra money just to have different decor when you could carry on as you are and save up to buy somewhere when you can?

Original poster
Abby1989 · 03/10/2018 12:57

Angel - This makes me feel s* but I think you're right :( it's like being a second class citizen sometimes being made to feel not good enough

Youbetterwork - I know - his standards are ridiculously high. That's what I don't get - I feel a little led on to be honest why even view houses and get my hopes up - especially as he knows I really don't like where we are living

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 03/10/2018 12:58

ergh he sounds like a controlling twat, honestly I would move into a nice house without him.

flamingofridays · 03/10/2018 12:59

mel and whats stopping him from tidying the house considering he also lives there?

hellsbellsmelons · 03/10/2018 12:59

So as long as you clean and tidy and don't disagree with him (you hormonal wreck you!) then you can have a better place to live!!???
Fuck that for a game of soldiers.
This guy is telling you exactly who he is.
LISTEN!!!!!!

hellsbellsmelons · 03/10/2018 13:00

why even view houses and get my hopes up
Because then he gets to use it to control you!
You need to wise up here OP.

CantankerousCamel · 03/10/2018 13:01

I would start looking for properties to rent for you n the baby and let CSA know. Fuck him right off he sounds awful

John4703 · 03/10/2018 13:01

I am jumping in as a guy and saying that if he does not like the place being untidy he can tidy it.
It is his baby as much as yours and he needs to get his act together and help.
I can also agree with the previous post about a cleaner, My DW and I are both untidy but we now have a cleaner every four weeks so tidy up for them and the house is much nicer.

53rdWay · 03/10/2018 13:02

He said I'm not emotionally stable enough(!!!) to even have a conversation

That’s not okay.

moredoll · 03/10/2018 13:03

Income of 100k and a newborn. Pay a cleaner ffs.

Butterymuffin · 03/10/2018 13:04

So who is keeping up these very high standards of his? Does he pull his weight or as you're on mat leave, has it all been reassigned to you by the big boss man?

I would develop some high standards of your own with regard to keeping your finances in good order. Start mentioning that maybe as you want different things in terms of houses, and you're ready to buy now, it might be best if you went ahead and got a place just for you that suits your needs.

longwayoff · 03/10/2018 13:05

O lucky you. Seriously, consider getting your own place. This sounds like just the beginning.

CantankerousCamel · 03/10/2018 13:11

Btw we are on an income of 40k, have a cleaner and he does loads of housework and childcare

hellsbellsmelons · 03/10/2018 13:12

And YES, to getting a place of your own.
Stop waiting on his credit rating.
I managed to buy my own place on a wage probably lower than yours.
Look into it anyway.
You may need an escape plan soon.
The controlling abuse is starting and will only ramp up.

Original poster
Abby1989 · 03/10/2018 13:28

He thinks I should tidy as on mat leave.

He said if i dont like the house im in i can decorate/buy stuff (our LLs are very relaxed) but when I first moved in i remember an argument we had because i put a picture of me and my family on the side board and some flowers on the windowsill! How could i just add clutter?!?

Even when i was heavily pregnant and in pain (i suffered very badly with rib pain) he used to expect to go food shopping (and carry all the heavy bags to the car by myself!) etc. etc.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 03/10/2018 13:29

How is he going to cope with lego being out, or a garage and cars?

Fingerprints on stuff, split food, whilst you clean up your DS first?

A cleaner won't solve the small things that happen day to day with an energetic toddler. Or when you all get heavy colds, so let things slide, to rest.

You and your DS need a better place to live, you, as a Family can afford it. he doesn't get to impose his Terms and Conditions.

If he insists that he does, then you need to make plans to move on your own.

Original poster
Abby1989 · 03/10/2018 13:36

Birds - that's what I don't understand we can afford it - we have plenty of cash for a deposit when we do buy (and if at this rate!) so the additional monthly expense isnt a problem. There's no reason for us to live in a small house that frankly just isn't very nice.

He thinks things should be tidied immediately. Eg. if i have a coffee whilst sitting on the sofa, finish said coffee and put cup on coffee table until i go into the kitchen say in 15 mins times, he gets annoyed that i didnt put it in the kitchen the moment i took the last sip.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 03/10/2018 13:42

It certainly doesn't get better the more you write!!
Just... oh dear....
I'd be dead if he was was with me.
I leave my stuff on the coffee table overnight!!! Shock horror.
Seriously OP. THIS will be your life for the next 20 years if you don't do something about it all.
Please consider your future.