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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my DP

58 replies

Abby1989 · 03/10/2018 11:44

So last night me and DP had a huge row.

We have a baby boy and live in a rented house that's quite small and I hate the way it's decorated. DP lived there before I moved in with him so I had no input on choosing it.

We earn good money (I'm on mat leave atm tho) between us (as in over £100k basic) and there's no reason for us to live in a too small, badly decorated house. We cant buy at the moment as he has missed payments from a few years ago when his ex gf used his credit card during a not very civil break up.

Anyway, he said we could move into a nicer house and he could afford a budget of X per month etc (as I'm on mat he is funding things until I go back to work) so we viewed this gorgeous house and then he said last night we need to see if we can afford it and he doesnt want to move somewhere more expensive with me if I'm not going to tidy up (I'm not awful btw! But having a newborn does mean on the odd day there's a little mess occasionally but cernatinly nothing bad!)

I got quite upset (I am still a ltitle hormonal) as in my head if he had doubts about moving for whatever reason this should have been addressed before we viewed houses and I fell in love with one. He said I'm not emotionally stable enough(!!!) to even have a conversation and therefore happy to let us lose the lovely house we found.

Who IBU here??

OP posts:
Dandybelle · 03/10/2018 13:45

He sounds like a bit of a dick tbh OP, and from your responses you sound like you know that too. You know he's controlling you, so why aren't you doing anything about it?

My ex was like this. It doesn't get better.

Birdsgottafly · 03/10/2018 13:49

""He thinks I should tidy as on mat leave.""

This is how Women end up doing all the household stuff.

""Even when i was heavily pregnant and in pain (i suffered very badly with rib pain) he used to expect to go food shopping (and carry all the heavy bags to the car by myself!) etc. etc.""

His lack of Caring towards you, should ring alarm bells.

You went house hunting, he doesn't get to play these games.

53rdWay · 03/10/2018 13:51

This sounds like a problem that goes beyond the house issue. Although it can be horrible living in a house that was theirs first. Unless handled carefully it can feel that you’re always a guest in someone else’s home, living by their rules, and his rules sound on the extreme end of tidiness/minimalism.

As others have said that really isn’t compatible with having a small child in the house. Nor is you doing all the housework, to his standards.

Cornishclio · 03/10/2018 13:53

You are very vulnerable financially here. You say we can afford it but I guess if you are on maternity leave you can't. You are depending on him financially and he is using his money to try and control your behaviour. If you have a newborn then tell him to use his money to pay for a cleaner if he wants things tidy. You aren't married though and he obviously is not seeing you as a partner so I think when you go back to work you should start looking then for somewhere else to live. In the meantime do what you want with the house you live in. He sounds controlling though

BuntyII · 03/10/2018 13:55

Life is too short to live it with someone like that.

cantsleepwithnofan · 03/10/2018 13:58

Gaslighting prick

ReanimatedSGB · 03/10/2018 14:00

Start making plans to leave this prick now. He will get worse, not better. Abusive men often start showing what they really are when a woman gets pregnant, or when the baby arrives - the abuser thinks that she is now 'trapped' and there is no need to be nice to her any more.
Your DP thinks that you are his property and need to be trained to the point that you 'know your place'. The abuse will steadily ramp up from now on if you don't get away from him.

PinkHeart5914 · 03/10/2018 14:00

It makes sense to stay in a smaller & cheaper place at the moment, a newborn doesn’t take up space. A toddler however ideally a little garden and space inside.

Save up extra now and buy as soon as your able too

CantankerousCamel · 03/10/2018 14:01

Of course she can afford to leave!! He’s on what? £80k if together they get £100k with her on maternity leave?

She gets a good chunk of that in CSA when she leaves him

longwayoff · 03/10/2018 14:22

Abby I know you dont want to hear any of the above but please take it seriously. You will not be happy living with this man, he will find fault with everything you do, no matter what you do.

LeftRightCentre · 03/10/2018 14:38

Don't get a cleaner. Don't move house. Don't tidy up any more than you did before.

Do go back to work FT as soon as your full pay ends so you are not dependent on this person. Do get your own place. Do listen to SGB and hellbells.

This man is insidious. They often are. He's showing you your place. You try to have a mature conversation and it's 'you're not emotionally stable', you're not tidy enough, you should do this as you're on mat leave (your employer is paying for you to recover from childbirth, not become the house skivvy).

He's nailing his colours to the mast here and waving the flag.

He's the one with the shit credit trying to order you around. Stop enabling it. I'd do FA for him. He complains, I'd tell him my mat leave is for ME to recover, not wipe his arse.

Original poster
Abby1989 · 03/10/2018 14:57

Is there no way people thinks he might be understanding? Leaving with a baby seems like such a big and difficult move!

He has these high standards but I don’t feel like he always maintains them. He’ll often leave washing up (more so for me to do I think than just leaving it) or his bedside table is very messy and cluttered but he can ignore that as for some reason that sits within his ok boundaries where as my shoes don’t.

Now I think of it there are instances whereby he’s been awful but I didn’t even register it :( I left work early once when pregnant as was very ill and he moaned at me for not doing the food shopping on the way home and not hanging out the washing as I had time as I was home early! Despite being pregnant and very unwell.

He’s not a very caring character really which is probably one thing about him that’s bugged me - if I get upset his usual response is that I’m and adult and should deal with my feelings

OP posts:
cantsleepwithnofan · 03/10/2018 15:18

Is there no way people thinks he might be understanding?

No. Your update is even worse. He treats you like a slave. He has zero regard for your time or your health. He only sees what you can do for him - he thinks he owns you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 03/10/2018 15:19

He sounds awful. And he will only get worse as he chips away at your confidence and self-respect, and as his control over you increases.

You will become a slave. Please don't. Start making plans to leave now.

Can you speak to family/friends in real life?

53rdWay · 03/10/2018 15:21

Well, he could be understanding of he wanted to be. But he isn’t giving many signs of that so far.

LeftRightCentre · 03/10/2018 15:23

It will get worse. It's one rule for you, his rule and one rule for him.

53rdWay · 03/10/2018 15:27

I also don’t think it will get better at all while you still live in ‘his’ house, where he feels he has a right to insist you and your stuff don’t take up space.

You could get a cleaner but a cleaner isn’t going to fix things like coffee cups left out for 15 minutes. You’d need 24-hour live-in cleaning staff for that. I’m worried he thinks he already has that, and it’s you.

Butterymuffin · 03/10/2018 15:29

He doesn't have high standards so much as double standards. It's ok for him to leave things in a mess, but not you because you're a woman and your job is to clean up after everyone. It's not a recipe for a happy home life. For you, anyway.

LeftRightCentre · 03/10/2018 15:33

Is there no way people thinks he might be understanding? Leaving with a baby seems like such a big and difficult move!

Staying with an uncaring, contemptuous, gaslighting prick who sees you as a skivvy is even worse.

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2018 15:36

No, it won't get better.

It was his house before, it's his house now and it suits him. He doesn't care how it fits his family.

And whilst couples should be considerate of shared spaces, he doesn't get to make all the rules about them.

How is he with the baby and all the stuff they bring with them? Is he a 'good' dad? Does he do his share? Does he interact and care for his son? Or is that all your work too?

LakieLady · 03/10/2018 15:38

He sounds awful, OP. He hates you leaving shoes out, but leaves his stuff around for you to clear up, he dictates whether or not you move house, he has a go at you for not getting shopping when you're heavily pregnant?

I'm sorry, but I think he will get worse now you're at home all day. I'd get back to work as soon as you feel up to it, start saving and buy a place for you and your child. And make sure the money you've already saved together is fairly split!

beeefcake · 03/10/2018 15:50

Why is it all about what he wants to do?

He's making excuses

Eliza9917 · 03/10/2018 16:17

He has very high standards btw I just want to reiterate that whilst I'm not a clean freak I do keep things presentable and clean!

What does he do in the house to uphold his high standards? I'd tell him to take a running jump from the sounds of what I've read so far.

RedSkyLastNight · 03/10/2018 16:24

Well in terms of the tidiness, I think different people have different things that bug them. In your DP's case it's clearly shoes in the hall and coffee cups on the table, but cluttered bedside tables are ok.

So if it was just the tidiness, I'd say have a chat and work out what each other's top 3 priorities are and then go with them (even if you don't agree).

But the rest sounds awful. So actually I wouldn't bother.

SandAndSea · 03/10/2018 16:37

OP, the more you post, the worse he sounds. What a cheek he's got! And so twisty! Not nice at all.

I would play your cards close to your chest. Save your money. Bide your time until you're ready but ultimately, aim for financial and domestic independence.

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