Selfish in-laws

[funmum22]

Going to try not to drag this out too much!
My in laws don't have my DS ever, I asked MIL to have him one day a week while I work but she said only if she could at her house, which doesn't work for me as I work 4-8pm so I want DS (being only 14 months) at home at that time to be getting ready for bed. My mum has him twice a week and is constantly putting herself out to help us, she has loads of toys at hers and went out and bought a car seat & push chairs (just cheap ones) and asked if she could bring him to hers so she can get stuff done but bring him back here in time for dinner and pjs etc.
We asked in laws to babysit sat eve while we go for a well needed date night and they said only if they could have them at theirs.
Aibu to think it's just selfish? We want them to come over for an hour on a Saturday evening so we can go out? I wouldn't care if they just don't ever have him but leave it at that, but they constantly complain about my mum having him more!

You sound like a complete pain in the arse.

You are having a date night for an hour on Saturday? Why can't he stay over night at their house? He s 14 months not 14 days.

Wtaf?
You've got it all wrong I'm afraid op. Unless there's a drip feed coming that your in laws forced you to have children for them to look after, and have since changed their mind.

It's lovely of your mum to look after your child, really lovely of her. I hope you're truly grateful and appreciative.

You're not owed it though I'm afraid.

Your in laws are not in the slightest bit selfish.

I don't see the issue with them having him at theirs every so often. Hes a baby, presumably he doesn't really care where he is and it's not that inconvenient for you to just pick him up considering you're getting free childcare. Also he's so young he doesn't need a strict regimented routine where he can't go to bed a bit late on one occasion. It's not like he has to get up for school 🙄

I mainly came to see if this was a reverse! If there had been a family emergency I would expect Mil to help if she could but not just so you can save on childcare a day every week at your convenience driving all the way over to your house. Surely when you have a baby you work out nursery/childminder costs and plan your career accordingly. Not expect the grandparents to look after the kids for you!

When I was growing up most people I knew were taken to visit grandparents and usually regularly.

Really? When/where was this? I grew up sometimes going to GP, sometimes GP coming to us. When my kids were small it was much the same.

I think people are missing the part of the OP where the whole idea for the arrangement was triggered by the GPs complaining they wanted more time with the child, not her seeking free childcare.

It’s not your DPs or DPILs responsibility to provide childcare - you go out and find professionals and pay for it like most people do.

Yes, even at 4 months old!

What's with the all the moaning about selfish inlaws recently on MN? Grandparents don't owe their sons or daughters anything in the way of looking after their children, yes it's helpful and cost effective in the way of childcare but it shouldn't be expected!

OP if you're still here you are BU. Be thankful that your PILs offer to have your dc full stop.

Wow. Yabu. She is not being at all selfish. She's entitled to her time now; any babysitting at all is a bonus, never mind a regular arrangement. I am having a baby in a couple of months. Me and my husband are buying everything ourselves. In laws live abroad. My parents are an hour away. If my mum ever offers to babysit so we can go for a meal, I will bite her hand off. I doubt it will be offered very often though. Our child, our responsibility.

Buh-bye OP!

Goodness, this didn't go the way you expected, did it OP? In all honesty I'm a bit surprised too but in s good way. Everything you've been told is spot on.

YABVU. I think you know that. It's not your in laws job to look after YOUR child. If you need childcare - pay for it.

We want them to come over for an hour on a Saturday evening so we can go out?

date night in an hour? wooozers

YABU AND you seem to think your mum is amazing for having you child, which is great, but also for having bought a "cheap" carseat. Have you thought this through?

Mine would never have dc at our house and although I would prefer it its no go because they can't be trusted in the house

bubt they can be trusted to care for your children?

YABU. Be thankful they offer to have him at all. My in laws don’t offer, ever, and then complain that they are “missing out”. But they don’t actually want to help, and I don’t want someone looking after my kids if they don’t want to!

I can’t work out what you’re saying. You call them selfish but don’t need childcare. Hmm.

YABU.

Love the irony of the OP calling her ILs selfish

Grandparents have no responsibility to support their adult children and grandchildren financially or practically. Likewise children and grandchildren have no obligation to grandparents.

In most families people muck in and help each other where its possible.

The OP states from the first post that this was triggered by the paternal GPs wanting equal time with the maternal GPs. The OP offered them time currently spent with the maternal GPs.
The OP stated clearly that she has childcare and is not in need of "free care" from them. It was they who wanted more time.

They declined the equal time offer because they don't want to go and see them.

So they want equal "shares" but they don't want to go and take up the option.

That isn't DGPs being asked for freebie help by a CF its DGPs wanting it both ways.

Firstly he's a child not a possession for people to 'have' or trade so you all need to stop worrying about whether someone has him more than someone else. Are you being unreasonable? A little. If it were me I would want my LO to either be at home if we just went out for the evening or to stay overnight with the in laws. If it were regular like when you go to work then yes LO would go to their house where it's easiest for them. As it's a late finish I would either have them stay over or would give them a key and ask for him to be tucked in bed by the time I get home. Have you explored with them why they won't come to yours to babysit? Do they feel unwelcome or unsure perhaps? Is there anything wrong with their place? Have you asked yourself if you really want them to be helping or feel confident in their ability to care for him? I'm wondering if you're putting extra barriers in to avoid it happening.

C8H10N4O2 did you miss this bit of the op

We asked in laws to babysit sat eve while we go for a well needed date night and they said only if they could have them at theirs.

Sounds like the op wanting a ‘freebie’ help on her terms to me.

Do you have any idea how lucky you are?

DH and I have three parents between us who are still young, able and (mostly) local. We have paid about £20k for childcare last time I checked over the last 6 years, and we never have a date night because whilst the GPS are lovely they aren't the type to help out like that's

You have the offer of THREE DAYS FREE childcare (Nursery would easily cost you £600 a month for 3 days) and you have the nerve to fucking moan because you don't get your way with every single term and condition? Unbelievable

C8H10N4O2 did you miss this bit of the op

We asked in laws to babysit sat eve while we go for a well needed date night and they said only if they could have them at theirs

No I didn't but its not inconsistent with the rest of her posts. They asked if the DGPs would/could babysit, the DGPs said "no". They are perfectly entitled to say "no" if they don't wish to do it. What they can't reasonably do is complain if the other DGPs babysit instead.

Nor does it alter the fact that the OP doesn't need them to provide free childcare when she works (which many PPs have claimed).

DGPs ideally are involved in DC/GC lives as much as possible. However if one side is also offering help/visiting and the other neither helps nor visits its inevitable the latter will spend less time with the DGC.