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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Selfish in-laws

98 replies

funmum22 · 03/10/2018 11:34

Going to try not to drag this out too much!
My in laws don't have my DS ever, I asked MIL to have him one day a week while I work but she said only if she could at her house, which doesn't work for me as I work 4-8pm so I want DS (being only 14 months) at home at that time to be getting ready for bed. My mum has him twice a week and is constantly putting herself out to help us, she has loads of toys at hers and went out and bought a car seat & push chairs (just cheap ones) and asked if she could bring him to hers so she can get stuff done but bring him back here in time for dinner and pjs etc.
We asked in laws to babysit sat eve while we go for a well needed date night and they said only if they could have them at theirs.
Aibu to think it's just selfish? We want them to come over for an hour on a Saturday evening so we can go out? I wouldn't care if they just don't ever have him but leave it at that, but they constantly complain about my mum having him more!

OP posts:

RedDogsBeg · 03/10/2018 12:18

Bets now being taken on:

The OP not coming back because answers are not to their liking.
OP comes back and flounces with a comment about us all being a horrible, nasty bunch of vipers.

MiddleClassProblem · 03/10/2018 12:18

🍿

Although this is all so ridiculous it may not take much back and forth...

Knittedfairies · 03/10/2018 12:20

If I am looking after someone’s child on a regular basis, I would want to do it at home - my home. I do not want to sit metaphorically twiddling my thumbs in someone else’s house.

Thesearmsofmine · 03/10/2018 12:21

Surely this is a wind up?

FesteringCarbuncle · 03/10/2018 12:22

So unless they are prepared to look after your son on you terms and where you want they are not allowed a relationship with him?

Happygummibear · 03/10/2018 12:23

I get it. I wouldn't want my LO being brought home after 8pm as it upsets their routine and then it's a nightmare if they won't sleep.

However have you asked if they can do the same as your mum and bring him back home for dinner and bed?

Also the date night did you ask if he could sleep the night? Or perhaps just not worry about the routine for one night? (Weekly routine upset I can understand)

Compromise is needed here

HugoBearsMummy · 03/10/2018 12:25

Unreasonable!!! Feel lucky you have in laws who are offering free childcare for your child. They’re doing YOU a favour so why wouldn’t you accomadate their requests? Ridiculous non issue.

LagunaBubbles · 03/10/2018 12:26

So if you don't need them for childcare why are you calling them selfish when they don't do what you want?

Havaina · 03/10/2018 12:27

I wouldn't care if they just don't ever have him but leave it at that, but they constantly complain about my mum having him more!

They can't complain about your mum having him more if they don't make the effort to come and get him. It shouldn't be up to you to take him there for them to see him all the time.

However, if you want them to have him once a week, you can't dictate that they stay at yours.

Courtney555 · 03/10/2018 12:27

I don't need them to have him. I have childcare. They complain about wanting to have him

That's a contradiction to your OP, where you've asked them to babysit twice.

Your mother sounds like she bends over backwards for you. And you seem to think you therefore should be afforded the same from MIL. Doesn't work that way I'm afraid.

If you want childcare solely on your terms, then you pay for what you want.

Sweetpea55 · 03/10/2018 12:28

We want them to come over for an hour on a Saturday evening so we can go out?

Lets face it,, its not going to be an hour is it.? Maybe they dont want to be traipsing home at late-oclock

StealthNinjaMum · 03/10/2018 12:30

I think the crux of this is that op is upset that her inlaws are jealous that her parents see the grandchild more often than they do but when op asks them to help they're not very flexible about it. However op's used words like 'selfish' to describe them which makes her sound unreasonable.

MarthasGinYard · 03/10/2018 12:31

Bet your DM is run ragged

In laws probably note this and don't wish to get involved.

You sound extremely entitled

TheFaerieQueene · 03/10/2018 12:35

I’m not sure OP will be back. Staring into a pool perhaps? 🤣

nuttyknitter · 03/10/2018 12:39

I can't believe the OP is getting such a hard time. Usually people who complain that in laws just want the child to themselves get lots of support and I can't see how this is any different.
Surely if Grandparents want to help then they would do what's best for their DGC and babysit him in his own home where he's comfortable and used to sleeping?

choli · 03/10/2018 12:43

Take him there then and assume they are offering overnight ?! Pack his pjs?
Making passive aggressive "assumptions" like that is one way of ensuring the answer will be no next time.

CoughLaughFart · 03/10/2018 12:47

I think the ‘hard time’ is down to the assumption that her in-laws should drop everything to do things in the exact way she wants. We don’t know how far away the in-laws live, but maybe it simply isn’t practical for them to factor in travel time as well as the time they’ll spend actually babysitting. There doesn’t seem to be any sense of compromise here. Maybe it’s because the OP’s mother is so accommodating - anything that involves a bit of leeway seems inconvenient by comparison. It really isn’t.

2doubles · 03/10/2018 12:49

I asked MIL to have him one day a week while I work

I don't need them to have him. I have childcare

Make up your mind, which one is it? Anyway, YABU.

Lostwithinthehills · 03/10/2018 12:54

I asked MIL to have him one day a week while I work

YABU to expect anyone to look after your child, presumably for free, so you can go to work. Your mum and PIL have already made their sacrifices to bring their own children up and now you want them to do it again for your child.

If you want a date night find a babysitter.

worstmotherintheworld · 03/10/2018 12:56

Get a babysitter!

C8H10N4O2 · 03/10/2018 13:02

Make up your mind, which one is it? Anyway, YABU.

In the OP it says the MiL was complaining they spend less time with the child than the other DGPs. I interpreted the "ask" to cover one day a week as trying to match what the other DGPs have rather than asking for free childcare.

I did have to read the OP twice though to work that out.

It needs to be mutually convenient - its not reasonable for a DGP to complain they see the child less than the "other side" and simultaneously expect that all the traveling/visiting falls on the parents Either they do some of the visiting (like the other DGP) or they will see less of the children.

magoria · 03/10/2018 13:05

You life will be much easier if dc learns to sleep in multiple place rather than just one.

They don't owe you 1 day a week. If they agree to do it why should it be at your place? They would be more comfortable at their own for eating drinking etc and can get on with other stuff.

CoughLaughFart · 03/10/2018 13:35

They would be more comfortable at their own for eating drinking etc and can get on with other stuff.

It’s interesting that the OP’s mother is doing exactly this. Maybe the fact that her mum had to buy a load of baby stuff in order to have the baby at her house so she’d actually have some time there should have been a hint that it might not be as convenient as the OP thinks...

Fragolino · 03/10/2018 13:39

Mine would never have dc at our house and although I would prefer it its no go because they can't be trusted in the house.

Gottagetmoving · 03/10/2018 14:25

Attitudes have certainly changed. When I was growing up most people I knew were taken to visit grandparents and usually regularly.
The grandparents didn't have to make the effort to visit their children and grandchildren, so if there were times when children needed minding, they were packed off to granny's.
I think people would have laughed if anyone suggested the children's routine would be disrupted. Basically, people weren't so bloody precious!

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