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AIBU?

To consider not letting DS play with this boy again?

54 replies

SausageSimon · 03/10/2018 10:15

DS has just started school this September and he's made his first friend. We know of the family but haven't spent time with them before, but I'd been chatting to his mum who was really nice. She was telling me she thinks he may be autistic as he has speech problems and sensory issues too. I have similar worries with my DS (more sensory, his speech is fine) and wondered if that's why they were drawn to each other because of their similarities. It was nice to have another mum to talk to about it too! Their family has a bit of a reputation, but I don't know whether it's relevant.

She invited DS round to play and I knew she'd take good care of him so I said yes. I picked him up and he'd had a lovely time!

A week or so later I offered to have her DS round for tea so I picked them both up from school. But when we were walking home he went "shit that's a lot of lorries!" Blush I was gobsmacked, DS didn't hear him and I just ignored it cause I was so surprised.

We got home and they played lovely and another boy from the next street came to play. He swore again so I had a word with him, he wouldn't look at me and went off back to play. I thought maybe he's embarrassed and will learn his lesson.

They got on well for a while and had fun, but then things turned sour. The boy was doing something and DS and the other friend told him nicely not to. Then he got angry and DS says he called them pig shits (he told me after he'd gone).

His mum is really pleased and wants them to keep playing together, and I think she's really nice but I'm not happy with him swearing especially not at DS.
I'm wondering whether to try phase it out but I think she'll know something is wrong?

I'm unsure how she'd take it if I told her what he'd been saying!

Would you just stop letting them play together out of school?

I could get over the swearing where it was used passively and keep correcting him, but it was the nasty name calling that has really put me off him entirely.

DS and his other friend are polite and nice boys. They know swear words but also know to never say them!
This boy saying it so often makes me wonder what else he says and does that I don't know about?

AIBU?

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Aprilislonggone · 03/10/2018 10:19

Imo one more chance, more supervision and call him out on it every time. What's acceptable in his home needs spelling out isn't in yours. He is little, should take your telling off and learn the rules for your house -it's acceptable to tell him off! If his dm pulls you up tell her your home is a swear free zone!
We had a dc (brat) who insisted he only drank Coke, not in our house mate. He still came back and drank water!!

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Stressedout10 · 03/10/2018 10:21
Biscuit
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SausageSimon · 03/10/2018 10:28

I've never had a biscuit before Grin does that mean you think I'm lying?

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SausageSimon · 03/10/2018 10:34

I think you could be right April, maybe give it another go and see how he is then. I'll make sure it's just DS and him and not the other boy this time too. Like you say he needs to learn what's acceptable in my house, although DS says he's said it at school before aswell Sad

We'll see what happens, if he ignores me when I tell him again I'll probably call it a day but maybe when it's just the two of them it could be different.

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AamdC · 03/10/2018 10:36

Speak to the mum it coyld be related to his possible special needs , my son has autism and learning disabilities hes non verbal but i have other friends eoth children with autism who have a lot of other co morbid conditions, one childs sowcial school think he might have tourettes due to his excessive swering

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LakieLady · 03/10/2018 10:36

Sorry, but that made me laugh.

I'm a pottymouth and come from a long line of pottymouths. I was taught at an early age (4, I think) where and when it is not appropriate to swear (principally, not at school, or in front of nan and Auntie Eileen!). This little chap has obviously not learned that yet, bless him.

It sounds as though this boy and your DS get on ok, I'd just explain to him that those words aren't allowed in your home and remind him whenever he says them.

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YeTalkShiteHen · 03/10/2018 10:36

Tell her, why wouldn’t you?

It beats judging the shit out of a potentially autistic child online eh?

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AamdC · 03/10/2018 10:38

Special school*

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tenredthings · 03/10/2018 10:43

Shit is hardly the worst word. It's clearly ok to use it in this boy's normal world. Explain to the boy that you don't allow it in yours. If you try to stop your DS playing with anyone who swears he'll grow up pretty lonely !

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SausageSimon · 03/10/2018 10:43

I'm hardly judging the shit out of a potentially autistic child, I'm asking for opinions on what I should do. I don't want my son having to put up with being called names like that and I worry what else he could be seeing or hearing at their house.

Some people avoid their family entirely and judge them on various things. I haven't even mentioned them as I don't want it to be a factor in the situation!

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Aprilislonggone · 03/10/2018 10:43

Would like to add until dc get called out on inappropriate words how do they know they are?
Heard my ds 4 on the Xbox last week mumbling to himself - die you Bastards!! Mortified!! He said he thought that's what you said while playing Xbox like his big db!! Have banned him from it for now!!

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SausageSimon · 03/10/2018 10:44

They're 4 and 5 years old, I'd say shit is an awful word to use at that age.

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SausageSimon · 03/10/2018 10:45

That's my issue April, he's obviously not being called out on the word as he's said numerous times whilst at ours and DS has heard him say it at school a few times.

So I'm thinking they let him do that at home, like he says "I'm going for a shit" I think that's horrible. It just makes me wonder what else he can say and do at home

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YeTalkShiteHen · 03/10/2018 10:47

How do you know he’s not being called out on it at home?
It was a first time at your house, his behaviour wasn’t great and yet you’ve apparently decided that rather than speak to his parents, you’d rather start a thread to ask for advice?

No idea why you didn’t just mention it to his Mum when she picked him up.

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SausageSimon · 03/10/2018 10:47

I did laugh too Lakie Grin at the lorry comment, I think it's kind of funny but just not appropriate at that age!
We're not ones for swearing in my family, but when we do it's used in humour. I just didn't like him calling them pig shits in anger

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spacefighter · 03/10/2018 10:50

I would give a play date another go and if he says something bad again just haven't a quiet word with his mum. I wouldn't end a friendship that seems to mean a lot to your little one because of a few swear words. Explain to your son if he repeats them that certain words are naughty and shouldn't be used again.

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SausageSimon · 03/10/2018 10:50

As I've mentioned before, his family have a reputation and it really wouldn't surprise me if they were fine with him saying it.

I'm reluctant to mention it to his mum because I've been told that she's really lovely until you get on the wrong side of her. I know she's quite protective of him and I worry she'll be funny about it. I'm a bit of a worrier if you can't already tell Blush

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spacefighter · 03/10/2018 10:50

Have*

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Batteriesallgone · 03/10/2018 10:53

I don’t really understand the issue. But then we live in a city centre and someone stopped me and toddler when I had a tiny baby and said ‘aw that’s a fucking cute baby’ Grin toddler was around 3. So my kids have heard swearwords from the day dot.

Just draw your boundaries and say no swearing in this house. And for sake don’t try and get an autistic child to look at you! So stressful and confrontational.

Your child will be hearing swear words from older children in the playground. The important thing is not that they never hear the word (bit snowflake to think that IMO) but that they learn when and how to use it. Explaining clearly to this boy that swearing isn’t allowed in your house will only be beneficial to your son learning about appropriate use of language I think.

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SausageSimon · 03/10/2018 10:53

I think I will spacefighter, I'll have another word with DS about it and keep a closer eye on them.
They do get on nicely so it's worth another chance! It's more the angry swearing than the "oh shit" swearing that worries me

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SausageSimon · 03/10/2018 10:57

Wow Batteries, that's quite a way to compliment someone on their baby Grin

I wasn't trying to make him look, honest! I know he avoids eye contact at times but it was more I kneeled next to him and said nicely not to do it and he turned his head away. I wasn't getting in his face or anything like that, just wanted a quiet word.

He isn't diagnosed as autistic I should add, they just think he could be. I've had the same worries with my own child so I'm aware of the things that upset him. Like the TV was too loud so I made sure to turn it off and made sure there was food he could eat

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nellieellie · 03/10/2018 10:58

I think at that age ‘shit’ is pretty horrid, I also have an ASD child who does NOT swear, who has friends who do NOT swear (at 13) so criticising the OP for judging an autistic child is daft. I would not like my D.C. to be around a child swearing, especially in a hostile manner. Also criticising the OP for starting a thread on mumsnet is a bit weird.....isn’t that the point of ‘talk’. Otherwise, a bit boring really if everyone just sorted out their queries instead of posting. Ho hum.
Anyway, I’d be strict with the friend. “Sorry, but we don’t have that language here, OK, so no more. Got it?” If he says it again, then tell him you’ll have to speak to his mum/dad. Then just say to mum/dad, I thought I should let you know, I did tell...... to not swear. He said....... and no swearing is a rule in our house. I hope that’s OK. It’s difficult for ASD kids to make friends, so I would try to sort it.

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SausageSimon · 03/10/2018 11:00

I'm not wanting DS to never hear swear words (he knows nearly all of them, but he wouldn't dream of using them) it's just the angry behaviour and shouting swear words AT him and the other friend.

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YeTalkShiteHen · 03/10/2018 11:00

@nellieellie she brought it up as though it was relevant. Being autistic and having 3 autistic kids myself I’m well aware that swearing isn’t something caused by autism.

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PorkFlute · 03/10/2018 11:04

If they mainly play nicely together it wouldn’t bother me tbh. I’d much prefer it to children who hit or bully.
Some of my kids friends swear - they are a little older now but you can’t stop them hearing it you can only teach your kids that they aren’t words you use in your family. That’s until they are teenagers and will likely have foul mouths but know the places/company it’s inappropriate for.

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