To consider not letting DS play with this boy again?

[SausageSimon]

DS has just started school this September and he's made his first friend. We know of the family but haven't spent time with them before, but I'd been chatting to his mum who was really nice. She was telling me she thinks he may be autistic as he has speech problems and sensory issues too. I have similar worries with my DS (more sensory, his speech is fine) and wondered if that's why they were drawn to each other because of their similarities. It was nice to have another mum to talk to about it too! Their family has a bit of a reputation, but I don't know whether it's relevant.

She invited DS round to play and I knew she'd take good care of him so I said yes. I picked him up and he'd had a lovely time!

A week or so later I offered to have her DS round for tea so I picked them both up from school. But when we were walking home he went "shit that's a lot of lorries!" I was gobsmacked, DS didn't hear him and I just ignored it cause I was so surprised.

We got home and they played lovely and another boy from the next street came to play. He swore again so I had a word with him, he wouldn't look at me and went off back to play. I thought maybe he's embarrassed and will learn his lesson.

They got on well for a while and had fun, but then things turned sour. The boy was doing something and DS and the other friend told him nicely not to. Then he got angry and DS says he called them pig shits (he told me after he'd gone).

His mum is really pleased and wants them to keep playing together, and I think she's really nice but I'm not happy with him swearing especially not at DS.
I'm wondering whether to try phase it out but I think she'll know something is wrong?

I'm unsure how she'd take it if I told her what he'd been saying!

Would you just stop letting them play together out of school?

I could get over the swearing where it was used passively and keep correcting him, but it was the nasty name calling that has really put me off him entirely.

DS and his other friend are polite and nice boys. They know swear words but also know to never say them!
This boy saying it so often makes me wonder what else he says and does that I don't know about?

AIBU?

I'm glad someone has understood what I am meaning Nellie. You've hit the nail on the head!

I wasn't judging him at all, just trying to paint a picture of the situation. There's a lot more I could've included but then I'd be called judgy for anything mentioned. That seems to be the case on MN at times!

Think the OP brought it up yetalk because her DS has similar issues, and so it’s nice for them to play together. That’s how I read it. Not wanting your child to be sworn at isn’t being judgey.

That's exactly what I meant Nellie, I was really excited for them to be friends cause they got on well and I think his mum is really nice too. She was clearly excited about their friendship because of the issues he has, so she loved how they'd taken a shine to each other.

I thought posting here would help me decide what to do, and it has helped! That's what MN is for I think people forget.

I think I've been overly worried about his mums reaction to me telling her, I think I'll invite him round again and then tell her if he continues. I think she'll be more understanding than I first thought

Fair enough, I’m probably on the defensive because of the disablist shite that is so prevalent on here.

Maybe it’s not about autism, but OP is definitely being judgy.

Bottom line? If you don’t want your kid to play with him, don’t arrange for them to play together. It’s not hard.

Don't wreck a friendship over a few swearwords. While children swearing isn't very nice, there's no need to shit your fucking self over it to the point that you will interfere with friendships (which are very important to kids on the spectrum).
It's possible that this kid's family are thorough pottymouths. Just remind your own DC that you don't want him to use such words, and generally unclench.

I don't want my son having to put up with being called names like that
You need to decide exactly what your issue is. If you feel that this boy is excessively angry and aggressive or very frequently angry and it is directed at your son, that is one thing, but if you are worried about the nature of his language when he is cross, that is different.
If this boy hears words like 'pig shits' as insults, he is going to use them himself as a 'normal' insult. I totally agree with you that I would be a bit at that vocabulary from a young child, but it's ultimately not any different to him than meanie, smelly or poo face, which might not raise your eyebrows so much.

If it's just the vocabulary, I would stick with the line of 'we don't say that here, thank you very much' as pp have suggested.

If that's the worst thing he does, then i'd say he's a keeper!

That surprises me FruitofAutumn, it just isn't something I ever experienced growing up so it was quite unexpected. None of my friends ever used bad language until we were teenagers!

My DS and his other friend are both very polite and wouldn't dream of swearing. The other friend once said the F word but he had no clue what it meant and has never sworn since. It's the frequency that made me feel unsure about this boy

If they are at school together how are you going to police what he says to your DS in the playground? If you have play dates you can tell him it’s not appropriate to say certain words in your house.

I couldn’t really get past the fact that you were told he’s Autistic and are complaining he wouldn’t look at you when you were telling him off

And also the fact you say ‘you don’t want to mention their reputation’ then have mentioned it loads. Odd. Either judge them or don’t fgs just own your judgey pants

It’s also worth remembering that school is still very new, your son is new, your house is new, potentially unaccompanied play dates are new. The poor kid will be quite stressed, and I would expect to see some of his ‘worst’ behaviour coming out tbh. If it’s just a bit of shouting and swearing I’d keep up the friendship.

I will repeat, he hasn't been diagnosed. He does avoid eye contact at times but I wasn't demanding eye contact.

I kneeled down next to him so I wasn't stood above him, and said politely not to do it. I didn't sound harsh at all, just calmly said not to and I tried to be as friendly as I could because I'm aware he's only young. I feel like you've taken it as I raised my voice and demanded he looked at me!
I was trying to do it nicely and he turned away because he didn't like that I'd ask him not to and refused to speak to me and went off to play

I do keep mentioning about the reputation because it is relevant but I feel I'll get flamed for it regardless. I can't fully own my judgey pants because although I know I can be a bit judgey I keep it to myself and I try my hardest not to treat people differently because of it because I know that the impression you get of people isn't always right

he turned away because he didn't like that I'd ask him not to and refused to speak to me and went off to play

OR he turned away because the sensory overload of an adult he doesn’t know well knelt next to him was too much but he didn’t want to be so rude as to run off. So he signalled his discomfort. Couldn’t speak because of the processing requirements to line up his thoughts and explain himself to someone he doesn’t know who doesn’t understand his way of speaking.

I agree own your judgey pants or don’t but don’t virtue signal about how you aren’t as judgey as other people. Coz it’s judgey.

Apparently it can be painful for people with autism to look people in the eye , well thats what i was told on the early bird plus course a yway .

It's funny how nit picky some people on here can be, yet don't seem to take in what they're reading themselves!

I'm a genuinely nice person (although a bit judgey) and so far I've been told I've forced this child to make eye contact, that I've judged him because he's autistic and that I'm precious about my son hearing swear words.

I grew up very close to an autistic boy who I first met when he was 5. I recognise a lot of his qualities in my own DS. It isn't something I'm ignorant to and I am a lot more patient than most people I speak to about this and many other issues! I don't get why I'm being made out to be so nasty

He was very comfortable around me the rest of the time, he held my hand all the way to our house and was constantly coming down to speak to me once here. So I can't imagine he was uncomfortable in my presence.

I knelt next to him because I didn't want to appear threatening stood over him when he was sat on the floor and just had a quiet word with him.

I don't judge him for him turning away and running off to play, but I do judge his family for how frequently he says shit. That has never been normal for me or the friends I have grown up with

If the family has a “bit of a reputation” I’m afraid I wouldn’t permit my child to go to their home and wouldn’t encourage the friendship.

That was my first thought I will be honest, I was a bit worried about him being friends as they don't have a great reputation. But as his mum was so lovely I decided to make my own judgement rather than listen to others, but the swearing has made me uncomfortable because of the other things included

It depends what you mean by ‘a bit of a reputation’.
We’re a very naice middle class family but some of the children my son plays football with are not from the best areas and a little rough around the edges, swear a bit etc and it does him no harm.
If ‘a reputation’ is for violence or something that would be different.

I don't get why I'm being made out to be so nasty

That would be because you posted in AIBU

It's not even that I'm from a naice middle class background, we're working class and so are they. There's no violence that I know of and the things I worry about on their own they sound unreasonable but all together it gives a bad picture.

I've had friends growing up like you describe where they're a bit rough around the edges and we've been good friends. But I wasn't 5, I was much older and able to know if anything was serious.

I just worry there's more I don't know about that he'll be too young to understand or deal with

That's where I went wrong Dahlietta

Is it my comments you think are making you out to be nasty? I don’t think I’ve said anything rude and I haven’t accused you of being nasty.

The whole way you are writing this is very...protesting too much. I’m finding it quite confusing tbh.

I keep inviting my ds friends, but ask them not to swear. A swearing-free play date involves with some kind of reward.

I'm having this with a 4yo neighbour, have posted a thread. He sticks his finger up, called my ds a bitch etc. Ive asked him if he's OK first and then just said 'Oh we don't like you using those words'. He knows they're wrong but I imagine they're used at home and they definitely can't get our horror at it. I've told ds that if he brings that language into our House - he already has so came on looking for advice - I can't let him play with the boy. I hate hearing small children especially using this language!