Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to not let my PIL babysit my 4-month-old

71 replies

blueandstressed · 03/10/2018 09:00

Since having my DD in May, my PIL have visited her on average once a fortnight for about an hour. I was in hospital for 6 days after having her and they visited once although we told them we were happy for them to visit everyday. They live about 40 minutes away and usually come to us, although we have also visited them at their house and these visits are usually longer (2.5 - 3 hours). However, recently they have gone 4 weeks without seeing her (even though we offered to visit them). When they visit, they interact with her well but don't deal with crying/nappies etc (not that I expect them to). As soon as she needs a feed or looks tired, they leave - I explain that I will take her to feed upstairs and bring her back down, but they insist on leaving. They are also very reluctant to pass her to me when they are here, they always pass her to my husband - when she was clearly hungry the last time they visited, I had to take her from my FIL's arms in order to be able to feed her.

Recently, they have been asking and offering to baby-sit her so that we can go out, My DH's birthday is coming up and they have said that they would look after her if we wanted to go out for a meal. However, I really don't feel comfortable leaving her with them - she is not familiar with them and they don't know her signs (for example, I have to explain to my FIL that when she rubbed her eyes it meant that she was tired). AIBU to not want to leave her with them? If not, how do I explain this to my husband/them?

For full disclosure - My parents have looked after her 3 times since she was born, although they see her much more frequently. I only really trust my mother with her at the moment.

OP posts:

NonaGrey · 03/10/2018 09:08

It’s difficult because your PILs are as equally your DD’s grandparents as your parents are. And after all they did successfully raise your DH!

However I do understand your feelings and we had a similarish situation when our D.C. were babies although for different reasons.

We handled it by having them arrive to babysit after the D.C. were already down for the night.

Have them come in very quietly so they don’t wake her, run off for a meal somewhere close by and only stay out as long as it takes to have dinner.

It lets them feel like they took care of her, even though it’s likely that they won’t actually have to do anything and it gets you used to them looking after her in small steps.

Of course you may not be ready for even that and you don’t have to leave your D.C. with anyone you don’t want to but it’s a reasonable compromise.

The worst that’s going to happen is that she wakes up and cries, perhaps needs a new nappy. They’ve raised their own D.C. - honestly they’ll be able to cope with that.

MeggyD · 03/10/2018 10:44

If they're making very little effort with her then I wouldn't allow it. Babies are different and just because they raised one child doesn't mean they can raise any child! If they don't know your daughter well they won't know what she likes i.e. how she's soothed, how you do things for her, her routines, etc. I'm sure she'd be totally fine left with them, but I'd just feel much happier leaving my young baby with someone who made more effort and knew her better

MeggyD · 03/10/2018 10:45

My point is not that she'd be in any danger with them (I'm sure she wouldn't,at all, like a previous poster said!). But YOU probably wouldn't feel happy and relaxed and have a nice time because you'll be worrying.

Aprilislonggone · 03/10/2018 10:49

Fair should mean being fair to the baby imo. Leaving her with gps she is familiar with is fine, leaving her with one's who don't really know her isn't in her best interests.

SaucyJack · 03/10/2018 10:49

Do you think they want to babysit, or are just trying to do what they think you want from them to treat their son for his birthday?

Just tell them you’re not ready to leave her and go out for a meal. I expect they’ll be relieved.

NoKnit · 03/10/2018 10:50

It doesn't sound like they make no effort my in-laws haven't seen mine since June and not called or spoken to them since but they see speak to their other grandchildren weekly. Yes we live further away but that doesn't mean they can't phone can they

So I think as far as for a 4 month old they are making enough effort and trust me when she's a toddler running around everywhere you'll be biting their hands off to watch her for an hour

fruitbrewhaha · 03/10/2018 10:51

But they are making an effort, once a fortnight is loads and presumably in the other 4 weeks they had other commitments. Perhaps they only stay for a short time so as not to intrude, or overstay their welcome, or get in the way. It can be difficult for the paternal grandmother to get involved in the same way as a maternal grandmother. Your bond with her is less and the baby is naturally more bonded with you.

They have offered to babysit. Go out after the baby is settled down for a few hours and stay local. You can be home in time for any feed. If DD wakes up early, they can always sit her up with them, it's not the end of the world.

whoknowswhynow · 03/10/2018 10:54

I totally understand and am the same. Don't leave your baby with anyone you don't feel comfortable with and don't let anyone pressurise you into doing so.

She is still tiny!

NoKnit · 03/10/2018 10:55

Plus in-laws that only stay for an hour, leaving you in peace and not pestering every day? Sounds like bliss.

When my oldest was that age my in-laws wanted to Skype every day and I never had any peace, as I said above now the kids could actually chat to them on Skype we hardly hear from them

IABURQO · 03/10/2018 10:58

Take the baby with you for a nice lunch. Mine is nearly 7 months and he's still not ready to be left with anyone but me or DH.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/10/2018 11:03

What are you actually worried about?

PinkHeart5914 · 03/10/2018 11:05

Thing is they are her grandparents just like your parents are and letting one set baby and not the other ( for no valid reason from what you’ve written) is how family upset starts!

They have raised a child very successfully before, his the one your in a relationship with. And let’s face it looking after a baby isn’t brain science you don’t really need to “know” little signs to take care of them properly.

Also 40minutes travel to see you isn’t nothing.

Yabu sorry but you are

ilovegin112 · 03/10/2018 11:08

Maybe she has been on here and read all the I hate my mil stories

Sirzy · 03/10/2018 11:13

I can’t see anything from what you have said that would make me not want them to babysit

It actually sounds like they have been pretty respectful in not wanting to overstay their welcome/tread on toes etc. Once a fortnight sounds like plenty of contact!

toomuchtooold · 03/10/2018 11:15

I don't think the OP is trying to imply that the PILs haven't done enough to "deserve" a go at babysitting, just trying to set out that they've not done a lot of hands on care of the baby, so she wouldn't be that sure that they would be able to anticipate her needs. (I would agree with that - my DH spent 3 weeks away working when our DTs were 6mo and he said at the time that he felt totally de-skilled when he came back, as their sleep had shifted, and they were much more on the move than when he left.)

It is maybe sexist of me to make this assumption but I would look to your MIL rather than your FIL as I suspect she was the one who did the lion's share of care of their children, and would probably be the one doing most of the actual care of your DD. But if you don't want to, you don't have to - you need to talk it over with your DH.

Beamur · 03/10/2018 11:16

I think you should let them babysit. Even if you just pop out locally for an hour or so.
They sound kind, interested and respectful. Spending time with your baby without you there will also enable them to learn your babies cues for attention.

Thesearmsofmine · 03/10/2018 11:17

I would let them look after her for a couple of hours. As you have already left her several times with your own mother I think it is a bit unfair to not let the other grandparents look after her too and these things can potentially cause tensions.

If you want to see them more perhaps visit them on the alternate weeks when they don’t come to you.

You can go somewhere close by for a meal.

Singlenotsingle · 03/10/2018 11:18

YABU. If you don't let them look after her for short periods babysitting, they're never going to know each other, never get to be familiar with her little ways. You should treat DH's mum exactly the same as you treat your own, otherwise you're storing up problems for the future. Suppose you needed MIL to look after your baby in an emergency?

Sparklyfee · 03/10/2018 11:18

I would let them babysit. They sound like they are doing their very best to visit often, a 40 minute drive is quite long, an hour and a half both ways. Especially when they so obviously want to give you privacy.

Leave everything out for them that they will need and just go for a couple of hours. They've raised at least one child and they love your baby.

They probably don't get involved with nappy changing etc because they are trying not to undermine you or overstep your boundaries. Which is thoughtful of them.

Lethaldrizzle · 03/10/2018 11:19

I would have bitten anyone's arm off who would have looked after one of my 4 month old babies for an evening. It's a lovely gesture and I'm sure your baby will survive!

Redken24 · 03/10/2018 11:19

Sorry but even my parents can't recognise sleep cues.
I think if your not wanting anyone to babysit that's fine.
If your wanting a wee night out for dinner then the pp suggestion of invite them to stay after your put them to bed.

Sparklyfee · 03/10/2018 11:21

Do they need to recognise when she's tired? Just present them with a routine. If she's not already asleep then tell them "at 7 bottle and sleep" etc. They sound like the type of people that respect your wishes. The baby will be fine

cakecakecheese · 03/10/2018 11:23

You might be being a little bit PFB here, they've raised at least one child so I'm sure they'll cope. I think you should let them do it as having willing babysitters is a Godsend. If it's only for a few hours it won't do any harm and she'll only get used to them if they have her.

Aridane · 03/10/2018 11:24

YABU

Blackoutblinds · 03/10/2018 11:25

Maybe they think you saying you’re going to feed is code for fuck off ive had enough? especially if they’ve read advice on here!

Flip

1 2 3