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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not let my PIL babysit my 4-month-old

71 replies

blueandstressed · 03/10/2018 09:00

Since having my DD in May, my PIL have visited her on average once a fortnight for about an hour. I was in hospital for 6 days after having her and they visited once although we told them we were happy for them to visit everyday. They live about 40 minutes away and usually come to us, although we have also visited them at their house and these visits are usually longer (2.5 - 3 hours). However, recently they have gone 4 weeks without seeing her (even though we offered to visit them). When they visit, they interact with her well but don't deal with crying/nappies etc (not that I expect them to). As soon as she needs a feed or looks tired, they leave - I explain that I will take her to feed upstairs and bring her back down, but they insist on leaving. They are also very reluctant to pass her to me when they are here, they always pass her to my husband - when she was clearly hungry the last time they visited, I had to take her from my FIL's arms in order to be able to feed her.

Recently, they have been asking and offering to baby-sit her so that we can go out, My DH's birthday is coming up and they have said that they would look after her if we wanted to go out for a meal. However, I really don't feel comfortable leaving her with them - she is not familiar with them and they don't know her signs (for example, I have to explain to my FIL that when she rubbed her eyes it meant that she was tired). AIBU to not want to leave her with them? If not, how do I explain this to my husband/them?

For full disclosure - My parents have looked after her 3 times since she was born, although they see her much more frequently. I only really trust my mother with her at the moment.

OP posts:
sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch · 03/10/2018 11:26

OP I'll swop ILs with you lol It sounds like they don't want to be overbearing and are actually being very respectful.

greendale17 · 03/10/2018 11:26

YABU and your reasons very weak

YABU. If you don't let them look after her for short periods babysitting, they're never going to know each other, never get to be familiar with her little ways. You should treat DH's mum exactly the same as you treat your own

^This

wombat1a · 03/10/2018 11:28

Why should your DM have priority here? They are GP just as much as your parents. Perhaps by allowing them to babysit it'll make things better in the long run.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 03/10/2018 11:29

I have two ds and a dread dealing with future dips they are trying to be respectful and still can’t get it right. FYI my inlaws live locally 5 minutes and go month or so without seeing their grandchildren.

sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch · 03/10/2018 11:30

ILs really cannot win.
OP I completely understand you not wanting to leave your baby yet, except with your own mother. And that is perfectly ok. She is still very young. Maybe in another few weeks you be happier to let ILs mind her for a few hours. My baby is six months and I hate leaving him at all. Even if DH gets up with him on a Saturday morning I cannot wait to get downstairs and see him lol

Beebumble2 · 03/10/2018 11:31

Name changed for this post.
Who you decide babysits your DC is entirely up to you and DH.
But I think you might consider the effect on the PILs who managed to bring up your DH into the person you love.
Maybe they sense a negative reaction from you and back off, so not to cause any friction at this sensitive time.
I would imagine they feel quite upset.

AssignedNorthern · 03/10/2018 11:32

Trust your instincts and do what you feel comfortable with.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 03/10/2018 11:32

You are being a bit unreasonable. Totally understandably, but you are. Your PIL sound like they're bending over backwards to be respectful of your feelings and privacy right now.

Worst case scenario: you go out for 2 hours and the baby cries a bit. Your PIL will do their best to soothe her. It will all be fine!

Sunshiness · 03/10/2018 11:33

YANBU. I second everyone who said don't leave her with someone else if you're just not ready to! That's perfectly understandable and normal.

Italiangreyhound · 03/10/2018 11:35

Well in my humble opinion it really is up to you and your dh who looks after your kids, and if you cannot agree then don't go out.

It sounds like your in laws are making an effort, of course they will not be changing nappies or dealing with other things when you and your dh are there. If you want them to get some practice before babysitting then allow them some practice now and explain why you are doing things this way.

I don't think you have to treat all grandparents equally, but in this case it sounds like your in laws re loving, committed and interested. They may not see the baby as much as your own mum, but that's not the issue. They are offering to babysit, are they safe to leave baby with? If yes, and you want to go out then prepare for this. If not, then don't.

Good luck.

Jemimafuckingpuddleduck · 03/10/2018 11:35

Anyone else occasionally think in-laws can’t win?!

Op flip this post on its head...

Poster comes along complaining PIL are turning up unannounced all the time to visit new baby, they take over and do everything and new mum is feeling sad and redundant that she isn’t getting to care for her new baby when they are around, they are insisting on babysitting over night and new mum is feeling anxious and upset that the decision is getting taken away from her if she is ready to leave her baby, MIL also constantly hands baby back to her as if to say “here this is your job” even though new mum is exhausted and baby has two parents...

Can you see where I’m coming from?!

It’s sounds to me that you have got yourself a really caring set of PIL and grandparents for your baby who are careful not to step on toes and overstep the mark but that want you to know they are willing to be involved and are around if you need them!

CountessVonBoobs · 03/10/2018 11:36

Christ, PILs on here can't do right for doing wrong, can they? Visiting too much, not visiting enough, offering to babysit, not offering to babysit, handing the baby back too quickly, not handing the baby back.

They raised your DH and evidently you think he turned out all right. Unless they've deteriorated lots mentally or physically since then, all of them will be fine. If the baby cries they will figure out a way to soothe her. Give them a chance and build the bond.

Fieau · 03/10/2018 11:37

I'm in pretty much exactly the same situation and wouldn't have my PIL babysit my five month old. I'm not ready to leave him if it means I will spend the whole evening worrying about if he is okay or if he is being left to cry.

Don't feel bad about it, what's the point of going out simply for the sake of making them feel good about themselves? 🤷‍♀️Hmm

Starlings27 · 03/10/2018 11:38

Talk about can't do right for doing wrong! Your OP reads like you're resentful of them wanting to spend time with DC and at the same time resentful that they don't come round enough - I'm not sure you can have it both ways! The visit regularly, they hold your DC when they come round, they don't overstay their welcome. I don't understand how you can say your DC isn't familiar with them, then in the same OP say that they spend the whole of their visit holding her.

A great way to get them more involved is to let them get more involved - so let them babysit and just give them a list of things to watch out for/DC's routine. DS stays with DP's parents a lot and has done since he was little, but I bet DP's dad hasn't ever changed his nappy - he's old school like that but brilliant at playing with DS. Like other posters have said, they managed to raise your DH so they're not completely clueless.

Howhot · 03/10/2018 11:39

You don't HAVE to leave your baby with anyone but I can't really see why you wouldn't to be honest. It's lovely that they have offered. It sounds like they're trying not to impose too much and this would be a nice opportunity for them to bond with their grandchild without you hovering around (and I mean that nicely. It can be hard to get stuck in with a baby when their parents are watching over everything)

ravenmum · 03/10/2018 11:41

They do sound like they are trying not to get in the way. I wonder if they pass the baby to their son simply because they know him better and it feels more natural to get so close; or do you think there's some other reason for that?

If you don't want to, you don't want to, and it's your choice, but the fact that you are finding it hard to explain to your dh why you'd let your parents babysit but not his does suggest that you realise you're treating the two sets of gps differently without any real logical reason.

SputnikBear · 03/10/2018 11:43

It’s up to you who looks after your child. If you don’t feel comfortable there’s no point going out anyway because you won’t be able to relax.

My DM pops in a couple of times a week to do baby’s laundry and give me a break. She feeds him, changes him, mops up sick and scrapes poop off his clothes, sings and plays with him. I’m happy to let her babysit. MIL visits perhaps once a month and does none of the above, has point blank refused to change any nappies, hands him back if he pukes, and barely interacts with him. I don’t feel comfortable with her babysitting my child who she barely knows and has never cared for.

PawsomePugFancier · 03/10/2018 11:44

It sounds like they are trying to do the right thing and you can't decide if they aren't bothered enough or are trying too hard. 40 minutes away is quite a big trip if they feel they've overstayed their welcome after an hour (you say they leave after a cue from you).

I think you should take the "what's the worst that can happen," approach. If it takes them 10 extra minutes to realise she's tired? She gets a tiny bit more tired... that's it, no big deal. They also get to know her better. Go for dinner, nearby, they'll call if it's a disaster.

If you couldn't leave her, it'd be different, but if you're happy to leave her with your parents, then it is you causing the problem here.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/10/2018 11:47

Anyone else occasionally think in-laws can’t win?!

Yep. With some women their PILs will never be in the right!

Poodles1980 · 03/10/2018 11:51

You sound very precious. They raised your partner so they have looked after babies before. I would never expect my pils to change a nappy when they are at my house and I am there but I would assume they could do it if they were by themselves. Go out for dinner nearby when the baby is in bed, I assume at 4 months they are in a decent bedtime situation. Enjoy yourself for two hours and that’s it. What’s the worst that could happen? The baby wakes and cries? Not the end of the world.

ZigZagZebras · 03/10/2018 11:55

At 4 months surely she can just go with you? People expect young babies to be with their parents (hence no children just babies in arms invites etc).

Its completely reasonable to be happy with one grandparent more than others too, I find the comments of 'they brought up children fine' ridiculous, you can say that about the majority of the population but you wouldn't just leave a baby with anyone. It needs to be someone that you're confident the baby will be happy and safe with. I had to stop someone feeding DD icing sugar before shed even started weaning when she was a baby, and that was with me in the next room so in situations like that you'd obviously be happier with one person babysitting than another who doesn't respect boundaries.

toomuchtooold · 03/10/2018 11:56

FFS the lassie's not saying the ILs have done anything wrong, she's trying to gauge how comfortable she (and her DD) are going to be with them babysitting. The baby's not a prize for good behaviour, she's a person with needs, and the OP's trying to ensure that those needs are met, and (entirely understandably) she's a bit risk averse with her 4 month old baby. What is this stuff on Mumsnet about with the overnight visits and babysitting "rights" and all this, as if it were impossible to form a relationship with your gradnkids without having shared bloody custody of them? I never even met my maternal granny till I was 3 and didn't see her again after that till I was 7 because she lived abroad till then. Then when she moved back I started going to hers for lunch and I got to know her and we got on really well. So it's easily possible to form that closer relationship when the kids are slightly older, when they're not fixed on their primary carer in the way that they are in those first 3 years or so - and much less stressful for both mother and child.

ApolloandDaphne · 03/10/2018 12:00

Maybe it would be useful to start leaving her for short periods during the day with them so they get to know her better and build up to an evening babysitting?

Angelil · 03/10/2018 12:08

@Singlenotsingle just said exactly what I was going to say. If you don't let them look after her then they never will get to know her! YABU IMO.

notsorighteousthesedays · 03/10/2018 12:13

I agree with Too much - it's a baby not a shared asset! Do what feels right for you and your child.

I really don't understand all the M v MiL stuff - if you get on with someone/share values etc that's great but that's because you are people not job titles, equally if you don't that doesn't mean you are bad people or being unfair!

Why are Mums always expected to be the mediators?