Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to not let my PIL babysit my 4-month-old

71 replies

blueandstressed · 03/10/2018 09:00

Since having my DD in May, my PIL have visited her on average once a fortnight for about an hour. I was in hospital for 6 days after having her and they visited once although we told them we were happy for them to visit everyday. They live about 40 minutes away and usually come to us, although we have also visited them at their house and these visits are usually longer (2.5 - 3 hours). However, recently they have gone 4 weeks without seeing her (even though we offered to visit them). When they visit, they interact with her well but don't deal with crying/nappies etc (not that I expect them to). As soon as she needs a feed or looks tired, they leave - I explain that I will take her to feed upstairs and bring her back down, but they insist on leaving. They are also very reluctant to pass her to me when they are here, they always pass her to my husband - when she was clearly hungry the last time they visited, I had to take her from my FIL's arms in order to be able to feed her.

Recently, they have been asking and offering to baby-sit her so that we can go out, My DH's birthday is coming up and they have said that they would look after her if we wanted to go out for a meal. However, I really don't feel comfortable leaving her with them - she is not familiar with them and they don't know her signs (for example, I have to explain to my FIL that when she rubbed her eyes it meant that she was tired). AIBU to not want to leave her with them? If not, how do I explain this to my husband/them?

For full disclosure - My parents have looked after her 3 times since she was born, although they see her much more frequently. I only really trust my mother with her at the moment.

OP posts:

2doubles · 03/10/2018 12:13

YABU - they sound like they're trying their best.

she is not familiar with them and they don't know her signs (for example, I have to explain to my FIL that when she rubbed her eyes it meant that she was tired). AIBU to not want to leave her with them? If not, how do I explain this to my husband/them?

Just tell them her signs. Honestly, you'll so appreciate their offers of help in a few years when you've got a toddler who never stops or sits still.

Sirzy · 03/10/2018 12:21

Does the husband get any say in who looks after his child?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/10/2018 12:29

They've brought up at least one child to adulthood so must have some idea what they're doing. It makes no sense to deny them babysitting duties. It sounds like you're being a tad controlling to me.

CloudCaptain · 03/10/2018 13:01

Well they can't get used to her if you don't let them. If you're not ready for time away from dc just say that.
They sound plenty interested. My own mum is only ever interested in being the first to hold a newborn. Never offers to visit or see mine since.

user1487194234 · 03/10/2018 13:22

What does your DH think.Mine is the most reasonable man alive but he would not be happy about this.Nor would I be if the situation was reversed

laurG · 03/10/2018 13:31

I would let them. They need to learn that there’s more to babysitting than cooing over the baby. My parents are like your in laws. My mil came and made and enormous effort to help clean and care for the baby. My parents came, watched sport on tv and drank wine. I went to make him a feed once and he was screaming both of them just sat there reading the newspaper! Just had to pick him up for 5 mins. Useless! I’m dying to make them get their hands dirty. They obviously know how to look after a baby so it’s just laziness that they don’t help (or i was very neglected and don’t remember!).

Oysterbabe · 03/10/2018 13:38

If you weren't ready to leave her then that's one thing, but as you already have 3 times with your mum then I think you should accept their offer. Babies aren't hard to look after, it's basically like a tamagotchi.

2doubles · 03/10/2018 13:40

Babies aren't hard to look after, it's basically like a tamagotchi

Haha

Stuckforthefourthtime · 03/10/2018 13:41

Yabu although I understand your feelings. If they were at yours every week many daughters in law would be complaining about overbearing in laws.
If your own parents have looked after her 3 times then this seems unfair and unhelpful for all your relationships.

Could you try a lunch? Then if it isn't great you can pop back and also it won't muck up a night of sleep.

Fragolino · 03/10/2018 13:43

Only read 1st page but I think little things red flag over who does or doesn't care for baby. Like not handing baby over etc.
Op something as huge as trusting a small life with people can't really be run on fairness lines.. It has to be done on safety and they shouldn't try and pressure you.

LagunaBubbles · 03/10/2018 13:47

Yabu. You are complaining on the one hand they don't see your DD enough and yet when they offer you want to say no, they can't win.

applesisapple5 · 03/10/2018 13:53

What's the baby's sleep like? My baby is the same age and once he's down he is DOWN and I'd comfortably leave him with someone while out for a late dinner, but while awake he's teething so harder work!
S'up to you :-)

WitWicky · 03/10/2018 16:50

I completely empathise with you on this as I had a similar situation when we had DS- MIL is lovely and was a childminder 15+ years ago so arguably had way more experience with kids than me but her and FIL hadn't spent much time with our DS so didn't know his quirks and were very much in the camp of 'grandparents don't have to follow the rules' .

We did what others had suggested; let them look after DS once he was relatively settled whilst we went out for a local dinner only. It was nerve wracking at first, but a good way to start building trust on both sides that everything will (more than likely) be fine!

SezziBaybee · 03/10/2018 16:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Original poster

blueandstressed · 03/10/2018 17:00

just read through all your messages, and I would like to clarify a few points.

I don't think they are visiting too little or too much - 90% of the time I initiate visits so the frequency would be much less if I didn't get involved. my DH has suggested they go out with only my DP and DD but they made all the right noises and then turned the offer down. I have asked if they would like to visit through the week and they refused. I don't know how much more accommodating I can be.

I don't have a problem with them holding her, I do have an issue with them holding her and not giving her to me when she is screaming, I have repeatedly said she is hungry and since she is EBF, its a problem only I can solve.

DD does not sleep well at the moment, and does not have a set bedtime. I live rurally so going close by for a meal isn't really an option.

OP posts:

EmUntitled · 03/10/2018 17:00

For every thread saying PIL make no effort, theres a post saying they're suffocating. "I was in hospital for 6 days and they visited every day!", "I try to get them to leave by going upstairs to feed the baby but they don't get the hint". PIL just can't win!

None of their behaviour sounds dangerous, it sounds to me like they are trying not to be overbearing. Why not do a trial run where you and DH just go for a quick lunch and leave baby with them for an hour. What could go wrong? If its successful you could try and evening or longer period.

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2018 17:08

I think they sound odd.

What does your DH think is the reasoning for their distance? How was your relationship before?

If your DD doesn't 'know' them she won't settle.

Starlightstarbright0 · 03/10/2018 17:18

I can understand some of your concerns.
However as someone with very over involved parent in-laws (think sitting round my house for hours after I’d given birth) maybe they are just being respectful and trying to take the cues from you.

What I would personally do is maybe go out in the afternoon. Drop dd at their house and eat at a restaurant near them.
You can ring them and any inclination things aren’t going well pick her up.
If they listen to you carefully about what her cues are (eye rubbing etc) it means that they respect you.
Maybe they just feel a bit arkward interacting with her in front of you.

However if it doesn’t work out/they ignore what you tell them etc then you can pick her up and you don’t feel as though you have to leave her again. No harm can be done by leaving her for a short period, nothing you have Said indicates that they can’t keep her safe.

Deny them a chance however and they will look at it as you blocking the relationship, which seems a shame, when I think from what you’ve said perhaps they are just trying to take the lead from you.

Original poster

blueandstressed · 03/10/2018 17:34

our relationship with them wasn't close before DD was born, we saw them probably once every 6 weeks which, again, I usually initiated.

My DH has made comments about their reluctance to visit, although we have never talked in-depth about it.

When I was in hospital after DD was born, we phoned everyday to see if they would like to visit and they declined. On one occasion, they were at the hospital, my DH said he would come and meet them and walk up as I was feeding and they turned around and went back home. He was not happy about this and let them know.

OP posts:

EyUpOurKid · 03/10/2018 17:42

Leave your baby with the people you feel comfortable leaving her with or you won't have a nice time.

Letting PIL mind her for an hour or so in the middle of the afternoon one day is different to going out for an evening. Start with that and build up.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/10/2018 17:53

With the issue of not giving the crying baby to you could it be that they are trying to give you a break by passing her to DH?

Anyway in future you just go over and say " right time for feeding " and take her.

I still don't understand why you don't want them to babysit though.

Flip

1 2 3