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AIBU?

AIBU to not want to visit MIL again

66 replies

iamf · 03/10/2018 08:59

I'll try and be concise.

Since I fell pregnant she's been asking for DH to not let me stay at her place and to take me to my mum's instead (he works shifts, so I don't like being home alone, just in case anything happens).

Yesterday evening, me and DH decided we'd go to our place and spend some time there before I headed back for either his mum's (which he's adamant on) or mine. When she heard, she advised DH not to do that and to take me back to my place late in the evening and leave me there to spend the night alone. I'm high risk and severely stressed with everything at the minute. Where I live is 2 hours away from everyone.

He decided to listen to his mother and left me 'briefly' at his mother's to go shopping with friends before intending to come back later on in the evening to take me home. I told MIL I couldn't wait and would not like to spend the night alone and would prefer to be surrounded with people, so left to head to my mother's place. Before I'd left, she got extremely upset at me stating, "I don't know why you'd want to do this and unnecessarily cause problems for your mum. It's not that I didn't want you to stay here, there's a spare bedroom anyway. I just thought it would be good for you to go later to your own place. Maybe you're angry at me." I didn't see anything wrong with what she said, except that she was sulking and went upstairs without saying goodbye.

Out of respect, I apologised if she felt that way and that I wasn't angry (I really wasn't, now I am). I'm 31 weeks along and cannot deal with feeling so isolated.

I really don't ever want to visit her again unless it's out of necessity (i.e. family gatherings). She's been so passive aggressive. I was admitted into hospital last week for pulmonary embolism and she showed up with heavy duty pads thinking 'I'd lost the baby'. She never wanted me married off to her son.

I know the entire thing is petty and confusing, but I can't help but not think about this amongst SO many other things.

So, AIBU?

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pigeondujour · 03/10/2018 09:02

This story is slightly confusing OP. Is the issue that your MIL thinks you should be staying in your own house when DH is at work rather than at hers or your mum's?

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iamf · 03/10/2018 09:08

Sorry Blush Yes, that's the big 'issue'.

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Seeline · 03/10/2018 09:09

It is unusual to not want to be on your own at all. How often are you staying at your MILs and your DMs? Perhaps they just want a bit of time to themselves - how old are they?
I'm not sure that your MIL has actually done anything wrong, but your OP is a bit confusing.

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cheesefield · 03/10/2018 09:13

Do you and DH not have your own home? You said "your" place as if you live apart.

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Hoppinggreen · 03/10/2018 09:14

It’s her home
If she doesn’t want you to stay there then that’s totally up to her.
Is there a good reason why you can’t be at home on your own?

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percypig · 03/10/2018 09:14

It is a bit confusing - if you’re that high risk surely you should be in hospital, and if not, then the constant staying over at your mum/MILs houses seems a bit OTT and has obviously become a bit wearing for your MIL, especially given you’ve still potentially got 9 weeks to go! Having said that, if you don’t feel comfortable being home alone there’s maybe no choice.

I think you need to separate your anxiety about being alone while pregnant from your relationship with your MIL - it sounds like she didn’t particularly have a go at you, and refusing to see her would be an over reaction.

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ElBandito · 03/10/2018 09:14

Your OP isn’t clear but I’m assuming you are high risk and have been advised not to be alone? If that is the case then she is being unreasonable to expect you to be home alone, but I don’t see that as a reason not to see her, what will you do about seeing her once the baby is born?

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pigeondujour · 03/10/2018 09:14

Ah. In that case I'm afraid I can see her point. It seems unsustainable to need to be with one of your mums whenever he's not around when you're going to be the mum yourself soon. How far is his work from your own house?

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notapizzaeater · 03/10/2018 09:15

So you e been staying there before you where pregnant as well? Perhaps she's trying to help you stay at your own home ? It's going to be tough to get used to it once baby is born and you won't be able to just turn up and sleep if they are 2 hours away.

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7yo7yo · 03/10/2018 09:15

Well don’t go to hers.
Don’t tell her what your doing, where your going or why. It’s none of her business.
And where’s your partner in all this? If he’s not supporting you what is the purpose of him in your life?
Get yourself sorted before the baby arrives as guaranteed she’ll want to be there or you at hers all the time then.

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LagunaBubbles · 03/10/2018 09:16

You need someone with you all the time? It really doesn't sound as if your MIL has done anything wrong as such though, so to not to want to see her is a bit of an over reaction.

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A580Hojas · 03/10/2018 09:17

It sounds like she's fed up with you using her house as a hotel.

Why can't you stay at your Mum's?

You can't use the fact that she wants her house to herself sometimes against her and then decide to "never visit her again" - that seems incredibly petty and the epitome of passive aggressive.

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worstmotherintheworld · 03/10/2018 09:18

Do you and your DH have your own house that you both go home to? I'm a bit confused!

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MakeMineALarge1 · 03/10/2018 09:19

Why can you not be on your own?
How long have you felt like this?
What is going to happen when baby is here, are you going to need to be with people all the time then?

I am sorry OP I think you need to look at why you feel you cannot be on your own, maybe your own needs are taking their toll on them.

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Dreamingofkfc · 03/10/2018 09:19

Is this only pregnancy related? Or were you staying there non pregnant? How pregnant are you?

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SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2018 09:20

Why can't DP stay with you at yours? If you're high risk and can't be left alone why is he going off shopping with his mates? He isn't a 13 Yr old girl.

Have you spoken to either mother about you staying over or have you just imposed it? I think I'd talk to your mum and agree to you basically staying there full time and go back to visit at yours and your partners when he can be around?

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picklepost · 03/10/2018 09:20

It sounds as though she finds you to be very high maintenance and from your own description I'd say she has a point.

I think you need to work on setting up a more sustainable support system because the current set up is very strained.

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iamf · 03/10/2018 09:20

@Seeline The reason I don't want to be alone is because I sometimes have episodes where I faint. I live in a rural area and it can get a little eerie. If anything was to happen, I'd be totally alone.

My mother loves having me around and I won't deny, I do enjoy the food she makes and the rest I get when I'm with her.

They're both in their 50s. I do get that MIL wants her alone time, but she has 5 other grown kids living with her who never leave their rooms.

It may seem odd but in our culture multi generational homes are quite common.

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Bluntness100 · 03/10/2018 09:22

It's really confusing, you state our place like you live toghether, then your place like you don't.

Do you live toghether, and does your partner work away? How often do you stay at your mother in laws?

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Tomatoesrock · 03/10/2018 09:23

It is hard to stay alone but it gets easier. Is your DH working full time hours, how often do you stay, weekly? Monthly? Are you going to stay with a young baby. Your MIL probably thinks you have to start being alone sometime. Did you stay alone before the pregnancy.

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user1493413286 · 03/10/2018 09:25

I was high risk from 27 weeks; didn’t need to be in hospital but needed to get there immediately if anything happened and was told not to stay at home over night by myself so I completely get where you’re coming from. My mil and mum would come and stay with me if DH had to be away although luckily it was only a couple of times so I completely understand why you’re upset as it’s very unsupportive of her and I’d feel let down.
However you can’t change her behaviour and if she doesn’t want you there then I’d say go to your mums and your mil will have to deal with the consequences of her lack of support while you’re pregnant after your baby is born

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pigeondujour · 03/10/2018 09:26

It may seem odd but in our culture multi generational homes are quite common.

I expect that doesn't stop it driving you insane to have six other grown ups in your house though. Plus it doesn't sound like you actually have a multi-generational home, so maybe it's not something she feels she's signed up for.

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iamf · 03/10/2018 09:27

Thanks for responses. Sorry it was confusing. Me and DH have our own place. In my culture, when a woman gets pregnant and is in her final few weeks, she usually goes and stays with her mother. I never stayed with MIL prior to pregnancy, but DH was adamant she could take excellent care of me, which I didn't need from her. I didn't want to use her as though her place was a hotel. I wanted to be with my mother. I just don't see why she leaps to conclusions and goes off to tell my partner I left in anger and whatnot.

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cheesefield · 03/10/2018 09:28

Are the fainting episodes pregnancy related?

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SaucyJack · 03/10/2018 09:29

Why is your DP going off out on a jolly with his mates, if you’re genuinely so ill you mustn’t be left alone?

I think you need to find a solution for the rest of your pregnancy that doesn’t involve him repeatedly dumping you at his Mum’s so she’s forced to act as your unpaid carer. You’re going to be the parents yourselves soon. You both need to learn to start adulting for your own family yourselves.

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