AIBU to not want to visit MIL again

[iamf]

I'll try and be concise.

Since I fell pregnant she's been asking for DH to not let me stay at her place and to take me to my mum's instead (he works shifts, so I don't like being home alone, just in case anything happens).

Yesterday evening, me and DH decided we'd go to our place and spend some time there before I headed back for either his mum's (which he's adamant on) or mine. When she heard, she advised DH not to do that and to take me back to my place late in the evening and leave me there to spend the night alone. I'm high risk and severely stressed with everything at the minute. Where I live is 2 hours away from everyone.

He decided to listen to his mother and left me 'briefly' at his mother's to go shopping with friends before intending to come back later on in the evening to take me home. I told MIL I couldn't wait and would not like to spend the night alone and would prefer to be surrounded with people, so left to head to my mother's place. Before I'd left, she got extremely upset at me stating, "I don't know why you'd want to do this and unnecessarily cause problems for your mum. It's not that I didn't want you to stay here, there's a spare bedroom anyway. I just thought it would be good for you to go later to your own place. Maybe you're angry at me." I didn't see anything wrong with what she said, except that she was sulking and went upstairs without saying goodbye.

Out of respect, I apologised if she felt that way and that I wasn't angry (I really wasn't, now I am). I'm 31 weeks along and cannot deal with feeling so isolated.

I really don't ever want to visit her again unless it's out of necessity (i.e. family gatherings). She's been so passive aggressive. I was admitted into hospital last week for pulmonary embolism and she showed up with heavy duty pads thinking 'I'd lost the baby'. She never wanted me married off to her son.

I know the entire thing is petty and confusing, but I can't help but not think about this amongst SO many other things.

So, AIBU?

Where I live is 2 hours away from everyone.

If you are never allowed to be alone because of this health condition, I don't understand why you choose to live so far away from everyone. Why not move so you are near to them.

Is your MIL of the same culture?

@user1493413286 Thank you for your response. Really appreciate it.

@cheesefield Yes.

@Seeline Yes.

It's a bit extreme not to want to visit her again just because she didn't want you at her house once. It's not passive aggressive to do what she's done imo. We all need our own space.

How often are you there?

I can completely understand your anxiety

Why can't people just support each other, instead of taking the moral high ground.
If you feel you don't want to stay at home alone-that's fine.
You don't have to justify that.
She has every right to say she doesn't want you to stay at hers, but no right to judge you.

Stay with your mum, and tell mil to fuck off when the fake support suddenly appears after baby is born.

I hope you're ok.

@GreatDuckCookery Not often at all. In the past 31 weeks of my pregnancy, I've been there maybe 3 weeks in total, spread out.

It's not just this occurrence that makes me not want to visit her. She's always gossiping about me to her daughters, which I often overhear. She really puts up a front and doesn't like me at all. I guess the OP didn't give much of a background, but I really appreciate everyone's responses.

If you dislike her, then that's a different story, stop going there so much.

OP please don't think I am having a go I am really not but it may just help to reassure you a little...I think if the hospital were overly concerned about your pregnancy you would still be in there.The fact is they think it seems you are well enough not to be admitted,This should be reassuring for you if you stop to think about it.The fainting would suggest maybe you could do with some iron supplements or try to regulate your eating a bit better ..it might help.You are going to be a mother soon you are now for all intense and purposes you need coping stratergies to rid yourself of anxiety.I dont believe your MIL did anything wrong.You are old enough to be a parent,you don't need babysitting yourself.Talk to your midwife for some reassurance and then I would take a deep breath and start thinking what you can do to cope alone.All this staying with relatives is ridiculous...9 months is a long time to impose on anyone....take care best wishes sent but you do need to sort out your issues before baby comes,

I'm not sure why you want to be there if you think she gossips about you tbh.

@AwolFlower Thank you so much.

Hi op, I mean this with all due respect and I know how written messages can come across but maybe it would be best for you to stay at home? I'm just thinking of more long term aswell once baby is here. I know you say you don't like feeling isolated but it's going to be harder again once you have the baby and your husband is on shift it's not going to be as easy to stay out I do sympathise with you though do you have any neighbours you're friendly with that could pop in for a cuppa or friends? Could someone come and stay at yours that way you're getting used to your own environment when your dp isn't there? I remeber being exactly the same and I really hated my own company I was asking my dad to come over all the time and begging him to sleep the night while dh worked (very unfair on my dad as he also cares for my brother who has sen) but my anxiety took over that in the end dad started cracking down he came every other night and made it clear he was leaving at 10 which he did my dd is 2 now and I love my own company and actually enjoy the nights dh is working I can sit and do my own thing.

Your mil is being a bit weird about it though I think the whole situation has blown up a bit and maybe over reactions on both sides. Let the dust settle x

Why is your DH out shopping with his friends? If DH works overnight you need to move into your mums, not be passed from place to place.

What will you do once the baby is here?

It sounds as if your MIL has enough on her hands with 5 grown up children at home. Does she support them? She may be terrified at the prospect of having someone else to look for. I wouldn't fall out with your her unless there is a huge back story.

I would spend time with your mum if you are both happy to do that. Could she or someone else go to your house sometimes to keep you company? I see that your condition is pregnancy induced, so this is just a short term situation that you need to sort out.

She asked you not to stay at her house and you stayed anyway? And you dont see the problem with that?

I mean, if you were my son's partner I think (hope) Id be more welcoming but having people override me about who is welcome in my home would push every button I had. It's a horrible, powerless feeling.

I'd just like make a final post and say thank you to everyone.

Just a few things:

1. I never wanted to stay at MILs, ever.
2. I didn't want to come to mum's, either. I couldn't give a rat's ass about culture. DH was pushing the idea because he works so much that when he's off, he doesn't want me to feel as though he abandons me by going out with his mates. I don't think it's bad, actually. He needs to get it out of his system before the arrival for baby.
3. Me and DH's place is a studio flat. No entertainment. It gets extremely tiring staring at 4 walls.
4. I have health conditions that require me visiting the hospital often.
5. Like I mentioned, I live in a rural area, which is far from everything and everyone. Unfortunately, we can't afford to move out just yet.
6. Not an excuse, but I'm 19. I got married at 17. I just feel very empty and confused.
7. I don't have any friends and stopped working in July. Will resume after baby.

Have a wonderful day/night ladies. Thank you so much once again.

And OP I'd seriously look at moving. You're driving 2 hours each time you visit your parents, 2 hours back to get clean washing etc. When baby is here how often realistically will they visit, especially if you want their practical support?

Ah, ok, that's more understandable, you're very young and this is a confusing and scary time for you.

Your initial post was confusing, don't make any final judgments about your mother in law. Just go stay with your mum. And good luck with the baby.

Tell him to save the money from his jollies and buy you a TV. you're going to be adornment long days cooped in that flat over winter.

In your shoes I'd just go to your Mum's and stay there until the birth. I absolutely understand why you don't want to be alone in a house at this stage of a high-risk pregnancy.

I personally would go to your mums and stay there until the birth if your mum would be happy with that.

In your current situation, with your health, the high-risk pregnancy and your DH being out on shift work so much (and enjoying himself, but seriously, wtf? He needs to take his responsibility to you and the baby more seriously NOW) then I think you'll just have to stay at your mother's for as long as you need to.

It's no reflection on you - you need to be kept an eye on and if your DH can't pull his finger out (when he's not working, I'm not talking about his shifts) and your MIL can't stand to have you around, then it's on your mum.

Sounds like there's no real problem staying with your mum, so just do that.

What does your DH need to get out of his system before the baby arrives?

Just seen your update OP ...now you have explained it better I get you more! I apologise if I said anything in my comments to upset you...I was 19 when I had my son and I do understand its an isolating time.Its a bit scary and you never feel ready..he is 27 now and I am still not ready!! In light of how you explained things I think a frank and honest conversation is needed with your husband.It is his job to help you feel more secure.I think maybe you are resentful a little of him going out and shoving you off to inlaws maybe? and you would be right to feel that way I would too.I was a single mum back then and I would have really loved a partner to lean on,Your husband needs to be there to support you and not his friends.I am not saying he has to stay at home all the time but he should whilst you are feeling so anxious be there to support you a bit more.If he spent some more time at home with you as much as he can maybe you would start to feel better in your self.You won't always feel like this I promise you.Look at the wonderful thing you will have at the end of this! Sort your husband out tell him what you need and see if he can step up a bit more.There is in my opinion nothing fun about pregnancy..its hard work. the end result though is amazing! Best wishes xx

I'm sure this is all so hard for you as you are very young. Marriage and pregnancy are hard work without be so young and naive.

Go to your mums and stay there until you have the baby. You can't keep traveling 2 hours, that must be exhausting. And you really do need to look into moving somewhere closer to her.

Not sure why you got married so young and especially since your MIL doesn't seem to like you, I think your DH needs to step up and look after you not leave you with your MIL where u r not wanted.