AIBU to not want to visit MIL again

[iamf]

I'll try and be concise.

Since I fell pregnant she's been asking for DH to not let me stay at her place and to take me to my mum's instead (he works shifts, so I don't like being home alone, just in case anything happens).

Yesterday evening, me and DH decided we'd go to our place and spend some time there before I headed back for either his mum's (which he's adamant on) or mine. When she heard, she advised DH not to do that and to take me back to my place late in the evening and leave me there to spend the night alone. I'm high risk and severely stressed with everything at the minute. Where I live is 2 hours away from everyone.

He decided to listen to his mother and left me 'briefly' at his mother's to go shopping with friends before intending to come back later on in the evening to take me home. I told MIL I couldn't wait and would not like to spend the night alone and would prefer to be surrounded with people, so left to head to my mother's place. Before I'd left, she got extremely upset at me stating, "I don't know why you'd want to do this and unnecessarily cause problems for your mum. It's not that I didn't want you to stay here, there's a spare bedroom anyway. I just thought it would be good for you to go later to your own place. Maybe you're angry at me." I didn't see anything wrong with what she said, except that she was sulking and went upstairs without saying goodbye.

Out of respect, I apologised if she felt that way and that I wasn't angry (I really wasn't, now I am). I'm 31 weeks along and cannot deal with feeling so isolated.

I really don't ever want to visit her again unless it's out of necessity (i.e. family gatherings). She's been so passive aggressive. I was admitted into hospital last week for pulmonary embolism and she showed up with heavy duty pads thinking 'I'd lost the baby'. She never wanted me married off to her son.

I know the entire thing is petty and confusing, but I can't help but not think about this amongst SO many other things.

So, AIBU?

I don't really get what the problem is. If you don't want to be alone, go to your mum's - you like it there, she likes it when you're there. Have you been going to your MIL's against your own wishes and your MIL's wishes, because your DH thought it would be a good idea? Mate, you are going to need to get better at telling him when his ideas are crap ideas, and that is a crap idea. I don't think your MIL is at fault at all - the woman sounds like she has more than enough on with a house filled with adult children, and she's not been nasty or put you in a difficult position or anything, she's just asked to be left in peace! Don't go and stay with her, but don't fall out with her, and be grateful that you have a MIL who's straight talking enough to tell you when you're getting on her nerves

Op.

In the nicest possible way you aren't the first woman in the world to give birth. And it would be completely out of order and extremely manipulative for you to essentially cut off your mil because she wants some space.

If that's how your culture does things then fine, but you can't foist it upon people who aren't used to your cultural way of doing things.

YABU. And hard work !

How old is your DH? Is he young also?

Go spend time at your mum's. At 19 that would be a quite understandable thing to do even without the fainting, the night shifts and the isolation.

An old friend of mine's daughter had a baby last year at 19. The daughter moved back in with her mum and is looking to move out again once the child is 2. It's been stressful for the family but less stressful than everyone worrying and being separate would have been.

Babyshark - you probably need to read the OP's posts again. The MIL is of the same culture, which is why she still has 5 adult children living at home with her.
OP is not hard work.
You are rude.

Your MIL obviously doesn't want you stopping over all of the time. Your mum doesn't mind and you prefer to be with your mum anyway. So the problem lies with you and your husband. Go to your mums and everyone is happy.

I think it would be better for you to stay with your own Mother. You are very young and need some support, ignore all the nasty remarks on here, you know how you feel, no one else on here does. And, good luck with the baby. A girl needs her Mother at a time like this.

This is quite shocking. I feel like there's a much bigger problem at play here. It's not normal to need to have someone with you all the time when you're pregnant. It's also not normal for a husband to be going out with his mates when his clearly very anxious wife is in the last few weeks of a high risk pregnancy. It sounds like your MIL is also worried about this and it does sound a little worrying that you're going to have a newborn soon while living in a lonely and rural location and with an unsupportive husband, when you don't have the confidence to stay home alone yet. I really don't think your MIL is the problem here - I'd suggest you consider your husband's behaviour and whether it's respectful.

DH was pushing the idea because he works so much that when he's off, he doesn't want me to feel as though he abandons me by going out with his mates

Then why are you mad with MIL and not him? It's not your MIL to look after you!

Thumbwitch. I read the ops posts thank you. Whether it's in the ops culture or not isnt relevant. It isnt the way her mil does things, just because theyre of the same culture it doesnt mean they all do things the same way. They arent sheep.

I'm of a different culture. I still celebrate and love Christmas. A lot of people in my culture don't. And would be offended if I tried to encourage them to take part. That's fine. We're of the same culture but different people.

However, if your MIL is rude and horrible about you in other situations then of course you don't have to visit her. Your husband needs to deal with his mother's nasty comments while also getting a bit of a grip and being a more supportive husband to you.

I think you should spend the rest of your pregnancy settled at your mums. Your mil is being a bitch. Your dh is being a bit disrespectful of your wishes and needs. It’s not about getting it out of his system before the babies born. What about your needs? You don’t want to stay at your mil so regardless of how adamant your dh is about it tell him to do one and you’ll be staying somewhere your actually cared for.

Why doesnt your dh understand you dont want to go and stay at your mil?
Why dont you say no i am going to.my mums?

Wjy is he going off out with mates when you are high risk and expecting everyone else to be there for you but him?

Your mil sounds like she has enough going on but thats no excuse to talk about you like that. Tell her your dh is the one who insisyed you go there but you are perfectly happy to go to.your mums. Tell her medical advice is not to.be alone and that's why you are doing it not to.be awkward. Tell her you are grateful for past help but understand she has enough people in her house as it is. Leave it on a good note.

Just stop going for now. Its her house maybe she has had enough of her own kids (including your dh) taking advantage of her?

Good luck with rest of pregnancy.

@iamf - I can understand completely why you don't want to be home alone at this point - I wouldn't want to be heavily pregnant and at risk of fainting alone in the house.

And with the greatest respect to your MIL and, to a certain extent, to your dp, it is none of their business, where you spend your time when he's at work (since you are not going out and doing things that put you or the baby at risk). It is between you and your mum, and if she is happy to have you there, and you are happy to be there, then surely that is the best solution all round!

If I were you, I would tell my dp that his mum can butt out of this, and that you will be going to your mum's house when he's at work - and that this is what will make you feel safe and secure during these last weeks of your pregnancy - which should be his priority right now!

2. If he doesn't start putting you first instead of boozing with his mates, he might not get the chance to be a father if something happens to you. If you get really sick and he is not there, he will regret putting himself first and you and his unborn child last. He should have 'got it out of his system' 2 years ago. That is what Bucks (or Stag) nights are for. He has been a married man for 2 years now. His responsibilities to you started back then. And his responsibility to his child does not begin only after the baby is born. His responsibility is to his unborn child right now at this point. It sounds like 2 years on he is still living as a single man.

You have a high risk pregnancy which is stressful, live rurally 2 hours travel from any family and are having pregnancy-related faints. Your husband works shifts.

Of course it is better for you to be living with supportive family in these circumstances! Total no-brainer! She is not supportive, so go to your mum's. Like many others here, I think it would be safest if you were there for the rest of your pregnancy.

As for your husband - he needs to get his head out of his arse and face up to his responsibilities. His wife has a high-risk pregnancy to cope with, he should be your main support but I'm not getting that from what you've written. "He decided to listen to his mother" that you should go home to your isolated studio flat and be alone overnight. When that is clearly a bad idea. But this little mummy's boy went along with it because his mummy said so.

And he dumps you at his mum's to go "shopping with friends".

And "he doesn't want me to feel as though he abandons me by going out with his mates. I don't think it's bad, actually. He needs to get it out of his system before the arrival for baby." Get what out of his system? And how attractive is he going to find it to carry on this way once the baby's here? Is he going to continue to prefer to - dunno, whoop it up with his mates?- rather than be a husband and father? He sounds a bit irresponsible to me.

And the kicker from your OP - "She never wanted me married off to her son."

Go to your mum's for the rest of your pregnancy and be looked after by people that take your needs seriously. Fuck your MIL, and frankly, fuck your husband until he shapes up into a man. A real man, not a mummy's boy who won't grow up.

He is not "getting it out of his system" he is doing what he wants, which is avoiding responsibility.

My ex was like this before, during, and for 6 years after pregnancy. My second pregnancy was high risk too (low lying placenta- frequent ruptures) and I developed anti-natal anxiety/depression. He was out at the pub until my contractions were strong, and didnt lift a finger to help with housework or our first daughter while I was ill.

So I really would confront him now about this - state what level of support you think is reasonable for him to give and make that your boundary. Relationships are given and take / negotiated - and it sounds like he is getting things all his own way
Don't go to your Mils again while you are pregnant - hearing her talk about me would make me feel paranoid!

Also, best of luck with the rest of the pregnancy and birth. Xx