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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think husband does not need ‘a list’

91 replies

firstworldproblems2018 · 03/10/2018 08:55

DH works full time, I work part time. Two school age DC. My work is such that 95% of the time I can do school drop off. Sometimes, like today, I have a work thing that means I need him to do it. Last night, he asked me to send him a text message or leave a note with what the DC needed for school and what time they had to be there etc. Hmm He has done drop off numerous times over the years, and they really don’t need to take much (water bottles, school bags, older one needs a snack for break). AIBU to think he really doesn’t need a list and should just get on with it?!

OP posts:
nomorepeoplepleasing · 03/10/2018 12:52

Sounds to me like he wants you to take the mental load- why should he bother to think about what to take when you could do it for him? And also if something is missed that's your 'fault' so he doesn't need to feel bad.

If you assume that this is not the case, and he genuinely just wants to make sure nothing is forgotten and fears that he might not remember, how about asking him to write his own list the night before and run it by you the first time (ie not get a pen and write down what you say, actually THINK himself what's needed and write it down? I bet he'll be less in need of a list if he is expected to put in the effort to generate it himself.

nomorepeoplepleasing · 03/10/2018 12:52

cross post- great minds etc

BanananananaDaiquiri · 03/10/2018 12:57

Where do men think we get these lists? That we download them from some mental wifi source only known to us? Why can't he make his own list?

This is what annoys me too. At some point, what the kids needed for school was unfamiliar to mum too. No one is born knowing it.

Conseulabananahammock · 03/10/2018 13:00

Off topic but I loves me a good list. Anyone else write a list and include things on it you've already done, just so you can tick them off so you feel like you've done something.
Or is that just me
Blush

Original poster
firstworldproblems2018 · 03/10/2018 13:02

Thanks all. Lots of different perspectives which I totally appreciate, and for those asking, I did write the list for him, mainly because yes, I want the DC to have everything they need.

I myself write lists especially if there’s stuff out of the ordinary they need (sports stuff, instrument, money for a trip etc) BUT I had told him this was just a normal day, and he knows FULL well what they need on such a day. So why didn’t he make a list for himself (which is what some pp suggested).

I think I just feel taken a little for granted- I do all school and child related admin, all bank admin/bills, car related stuff, food shopping/meal planning etc etc which I do generally feel is fair as I do work PT. But I just think it’s not beyond his abilities to manage to get his own DC to school on a perfectly normal day without my assistance. The list took me two minutes to write, so it’s noy a huge deal, but I was just interested in opinions.

OP posts:
LoniceraJaponica · 03/10/2018 13:03

“AIBU to think he really doesn’t need a list and should just get on with it?!”

Yes, you are. When DD started school OH and I shared the school drop off and collect 50/50. OH’s brain just isn’t wired like mine, and he is very absent minded. He would have forgotten everything if we didn’t have a Post-it note by the front door with a list of things DD needed. I also agree that if it is something you don’t do regularly it is easier to forget something.

Why would you deliberately set him up to fail? Hmm

KindergartenKop · 03/10/2018 13:08

My DH and I have argued about my micromanagement of the world. Yesterday I dropped DS at school and DH was due to pick up. I texted him and told him that DS had taken his green coat. DH texted back later saying he was en route and on time to pick up the green coated baby ie he specifically referred to child and his coat. Then when he returns home Dh and DS have both forgotten the fecking coat! So lists are pointless anyway!

Magair · 03/10/2018 13:09

Today DS1 needed for school his swimming kit, football kit, snack, water, book bag and reading record, science club homework and something for harvest festival. As it happens DH did drop off, which he rarely does and of course I gave him a list and reminded him! It would be really unfair to expect him to remember that all when he is never involved in drop off and has left for work usually long before we leave for school. I am vaguely aware that he has renewed two types of insurance this month and organised MOTs for both cars.... if he delegated those jobs to me damn right I would want a list!

LoniceraJaponica · 03/10/2018 13:30

"I am vaguely aware that he has renewed two types of insurance this month and organised MOTs for both cars"

I do all of that kind of admin as well. OH now has other memory problems so I have to do them.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/10/2018 13:32

I expect he can remember much more complex tasks that he does much more rarely at work.

He sees this as your job, your responsibility and he can't be bothered to think or remember for himself.

Come on, I could get OP's kids out to school on time with all the right stuff and I don't even know them. It's not hard.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/10/2018 13:33

I am vaguely aware that he has renewed two types of insurance this month and organised MOTs for both cars.... if he delegated those jobs to me damn right I would want a list!

What? What would be on the list?

Surely, "can you renew the contents insurance and book the cars in for their MOTs" would be enough. Just like "Can you take the kids to school this morning?" should be enough for the OP's DH

OutPinked · 03/10/2018 13:35

Depends on the age of the DC but mine are aged between six and eight and are old enough to know what needs to be done themselves. Uniform tends to be on the end of their beds ready for morning and I pack their lunches the night before so mornings run fairly smoothly.

Lilyhatesjaz · 03/10/2018 13:40

I would write the list and stick it to the fridge so that your children can check they have everything themselves then you or DH just need to ask if they have everything

Ohyesiam · 03/10/2018 13:43

He wants you to shoulder the responsibility and for him to do it in body only.
The twat.

RoseGoldEagle · 03/10/2018 14:16

My husband (in addition to splitting general household chores) puts the bins out every week. The odd time he’s away I have to ask- which bins is it this week? Because I never do it, so I have no reason to know. If he said patronisingly ‘well, why don’t you make a bit of effort to find out first, and then I’ll tell you if you’re right’ I would be really annoyed- but he never would, because he knows I do loads as well and wouldn’t be a dick about it. I do the majority of nursery drop offs and picks ups and sort out DDs nursery bag because I’m part time- the odd time DH does it when I’m away, he asks me what needs to go in her bag, and I write him a list- if I didn’t do that he’d obviously get most of it right, but he wouldn’t know that the nursery has now started asking for extra spare clothes, or that Wednesday they need to bring a teddy in or whatever. So YABU in my opinion, but I can’t help thinking this may be a sign that your partner doesn’t generally pull his weight- if he did I don’t think you’d have a problem with him asking for help with this one thing he very rarely does.

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