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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think husband does not need ‘a list’

91 replies

firstworldproblems2018 · 03/10/2018 08:55

DH works full time, I work part time. Two school age DC. My work is such that 95% of the time I can do school drop off. Sometimes, like today, I have a work thing that means I need him to do it. Last night, he asked me to send him a text message or leave a note with what the DC needed for school and what time they had to be there etc. Hmm He has done drop off numerous times over the years, and they really don’t need to take much (water bottles, school bags, older one needs a snack for break). AIBU to think he really doesn’t need a list and should just get on with it?!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 03/10/2018 09:57

I work PT and have the time to do it, but I suppose on the rare occasion I ask him to do something like drop off, he needs a hand hold.

He doesn't need a 'hand hold', he needs a list because as you've said yourself, he only does drop offs on rare occasions.

I'd need one too in his shoes.

Beamur · 03/10/2018 09:58

Give him a list, do it for your kids!

ravenmum · 03/10/2018 10:00

Put a list on the kids' door and make them check it every day.

OnceUponATimeInAmerica · 03/10/2018 10:01

I leave lists. We both work full time but I don’t have a commute, so do almost all drop offs and children’s activities. Occasionally I have to travel for a few days. Although my children are getting to an age where they can sort their own kit, they sometimes need reminders. And if I don’t let him know what activities are each day, they won’t happen. It is not unreasonable to need reminders for tasks you don’t routinely do. And I see it as being for the children’s benefit not DH’s.

AjasLipstick · 03/10/2018 10:03

Mine does this. Winds me up and I have TOLD him that him asking me for a list is him shirking ANY responsibility for the boring household shite.

He's starting to learn.

I keep refusing and telling him to use his brain.

Satsumaeater · 03/10/2018 10:04

He probably doesn’t need a lost and would manage fine but also knows that should he forget something you would go ballistic so it’s safer to ask for a list

This. If you tell him what to do, you can't them complain if you didn't tell him everything ;)

fruitshot · 03/10/2018 10:04

You're right though OP about the mental load.

It does appear to fall more with the women than the men. Maybe that's a historical thing inherited from generations.

The fact he is able to do the school run is great though, so take that as a win in equality and just give him an eye roll and a finger behind his back when you pass him the list 😊

recklessgran · 03/10/2018 10:07

Don't forget to tell him which school to take them to OP!

FunSponges · 03/10/2018 10:12

YANBU. I totally agree with the mental load. This is how it is in my house too and sometimes it gets on my nerves. I wouldn't be providing a list, I may remind my DCs about certain things, like PE kit etc, but a fully grown adult should be able to take their children to school without explicit instructions from someone else.

toomuchtooold · 03/10/2018 10:12

If it's just give them a snack and get them dressed then I agree it's a bit crap of him, but like our kids' school seems to want to give us jobs to do so they have different start and end times on different days of the week, we need to give in different workbooks on different days, they have sport three times a week but the school's said the kids can leave their sport gear in the class (but they don't have to) and there's tons of admin and 2 euro for this and 5 euro for that so I have to think quite hard to get it right in the mornings. I would probably write it all down for DH, I find it hard enough to remember myself.

DayKay · 03/10/2018 10:18

I don’t think it’s a big deal.
I went away for a few days and dh asked for a list for the daily things to do with the kids.
It’s not that he didn’t know, he just wanted to make sure he’d covered it all.
I gave him a list and it all worked fine.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 03/10/2018 10:19

I think you probably are still resentful from before.

Wanting a list of things the kids need for school that particular day, when you only occasionally do drop offs, is pretty normal. Plus they’ve only just gone back so PE kits/swimming stuff/instruments etc have all changed for many kids.

But I wouldn’t tolerate it for housework or other stuff like that.

Saracen · 03/10/2018 10:21

Why not get him to draft a list of everything he thinks they need, consult both dc, then consult you to see if there's anything he's forgotten or got wrong. Then he can keep hold of the list and use it next time after waving it under everybody's nose to ask whether anything has changed since last month.

The point is that he should be making an effort to figure it out before checking he has got it right. The effort of doing that thinking will also help him remember.

It would be useful for him to have such a list in case he ever has to do it at the last minute.

SlightlyTired · 03/10/2018 10:21

I feel your pain, OP. I work full time. I do a lot of the pick ups and drops offs and all of the mental load. Yesterday my DH dropped my youngest off at school. When I picked her up, her hair was a complete sight. He had not even brushed it, let alone put it up. The teacher had given her a hair band and she’d pulled it into a very rough ponytail, but it looked terrible. It was the one thing he had to help her with. How he could not notice it is completely beyond me.

I am going to steal ravenmum’s list. Brilliant.

jay55 · 03/10/2018 10:23

He’s supposed to be doing drop off because you don’t have time on this occasion. And instead of understanding that and pitching in to lighten your load he’s making it heavier by being a total cock.

SkinnywannabeKBH · 03/10/2018 10:30

I think you are being completely unreasonable making a thing of this. You have stated that 95% of the time you do the school drop off, so this is a regular routine. I am the same as you, I do the drop off 95% of the time and know exactly what our children take and where it goes in their bag for them to find it etc... My Husband would worry he hasn't the right thing sent in or that he would forget something. So a wee note to say this is what they need that day would be easy to do.

shearwater · 03/10/2018 10:36

The only time I gave DH a list, or rather a schedule, was when I was leaving DD2 and DD1 with him for the weekend when DD2 was about 8 months old, DD1 was 4, because he hadn't been on his own for a weekend with both of them before and I was still on mat leave and doing most feeds, so he wouldn't have known DD2's feeding schedule.

Puffinhead · 03/10/2018 10:40

I emphasise and I do think it’s about the mental load. We used to have arguments about why I couldn’t just tell him what he needed to know but my argument was why couldn’t he remember and/or write it down instead of expecting me to remind him. He would do it if he was at work so why not at home. So now I text my DH ‘instructions’ so he has a written record of them. We also have a joint email account so all school/club correspondence gets sent there. No excuses for him not to know what’s going on.

mrsm43s · 03/10/2018 10:40

@saracen has it right! If your DH just wants to make sure he has everything for the kids, then he can draft a list and ask you to check it over. If he just wants you to take on all the responsibility as always, then he'll want you to write a list .

Tell him you are happy to check his list, and leave it at that.

Puffinhead · 03/10/2018 10:41

Sorry, I think you may have hit a nerve with me!!

ButAIBUtho · 03/10/2018 10:43

Lists are life.

I love lists. Lists stop me falling apart. They keep me in order, keep me organised and stop me forgetting things.

If DH needed this (sometimes he does, we both love a list!) then I would do it without a second thought.

As he would to help me.

It's just a list. And if it makes everyone's life easier, then why wouldn't you?

Branleuse · 03/10/2018 10:43

i think it would be easier to do a list once than remind him all the fucking time.

Some people are shit at planning stuff like this. I am. I need to do myself a list tbh

steppemum · 03/10/2018 10:44

tell him to make his own list, and get the dcs to check it.

lifechangesforever · 03/10/2018 10:44

Asked DH to get 11 week old DD for bed the other night.. "well what does she wear? I don't know what to dress her in"

She's 11 weeks old.. she wears a sleep suit 90% of her life, it's called a SLEEPsuit.

Are they all so useless?

Greyhound22 · 03/10/2018 10:45

Before my son wore a uniform I had to take a photo of him on the way out and send it to my husband if he was picking him up saying that he needed to come back with all of the attached.

It's ridiculous isn't it?

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